AIBU to tell parents they can’t visit until after lunch?

[Doicompromise]

I have primary school aged children (and for context one sibling who has no children). My parents try and turn up every year first thing on Christmas morning to be there when the kids open their presents “to be part of the magic”. When they were really little they would turn up for half an hour to give presents and then we would all have dinner together.
The last few years they just want to turn up with presents to be part of the magic and go and have dinner elsewhere and enjoy the rest of their day which is up to them.
I voice each year that I would rather they did not visit in the morning so that we can enjoy our own time together as a family on Christmas morning and it’s not chaotic. I am usually told “no we have dinner to get to and we want to see the kids”.
Part of it is that they now don’t spend Christmas dinner with us so I feel a bit miffed they don’t want to spend that time with us. But primarily I just want to enjoy those precious moments while my children are little, I don’t want visitors there for “the most magical moments”. I just want to enjoy my children with my husband and then I’m happy to have visitors after lunch or visit other people.
I don’t feel I’m being super precious about this but if I am then I’ll have to compromise. I don’t want to upset my parents, but equally I do want to enjoy Christmas with my little family without feeling like each year someone rocks up to see the special bit and then leaves with no thought for how we wish to spend our day. Any suggestions?

Yeah definitely yanbu on this one. Christmas morning takes up the whole living room and we like to sit and chill in our pj's and not have to worry about clearing space for someone to sit down or go and brew up while they fuss over the children. It makes me feel uncomfortable and out of place so I tell my mother in law to stay home and we will go to her when we are ready. My parents don't ever come to my house anyway so they aren't the issue. Just tell them straight. Being diplomatic never works in my experience

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all on the whole but you might upset them and that’s something you and them will just have to deal with. If you want it just your little family in the morning then tell them that’s how it is going to be.

What’s the back story behind why they don’t want to have lunch at yours? Sounds like you want them there for that part.

Nothing makes my parents happier than spending time with their DGC and it breaks my heart that they’ve not seen the kids the last two years (we had covid last Christmas so had to cancel plans). They’re in ok health but getting on a bit and I’m very aware that they won’t be around for ever. I plan to make the most of having Christmas with them whilst I have the chance.

MN is full of people who think the best course of action is always to please yourself. I, personally, get a lot of joy from seeing my parents happy.

This extends to my in laws too by the way. I find the annual trek to theirs for 3-4 days on Boxing a right pain in the arse but I wouldn’t dream of not going when they love hosting us all so much.

Totally understand this - Christmas morning is a special time and kids grow up so fast!

Yes! I was going to suggest this. Offer late morning, then you get your stuff done.
I get the impression that only Xmas day will do, do just squish the time they're with you into a shorter time period.

I'm with OP, I like to spend Christmas morning with my kids and husband. It's special time I love with them. Later is for everyone else. Nothing wrong with that. Not thing wrong with having everyone round. Do what suits you best 🙌

Crack open some Buck’s Fizz with your partner op

you might not get “special magical little family time”

youll get over it!

With your parents I meant rather than partner

My in laws do the same and it is annoying. Insist on rushing over in the morning, spend 10 minutes watching my children open some presents then go and spend the day with theyre daughter and other GC. I feel like telling them to not bother this year.

Your children are everything, your first priority and they always come first above all family and friends

Mine didn’t. Which might be why he didn’t grow up to think he was the centre of the universe. People who raise their children like this are setting them up for a very rude awakening when they grow up.

As the children in our family got older we did stocking presents in the morning and saved tree presents until after lunch. Older kids able to wait a bit longer!! Or after brunch if lunch was later .

could they come after brunch or lunch ? Or just before bedtime after their lunch ?

Then they could join for a Supper/ late pudding with you all and talk to the children about what presents they’ve got and give them theirs?

That way you all get most of the day free.

Downside is everyone is a bit knackered/ sleepy/ full up/drunk by then to move anywhere else.

Personally I would love my parents to always have Christmas with us as I know they won’t be around forever and these are the most precious years - the teens are around for once and we are all one big family gathering. I miss and feel I need my parents more now than I’ve ever done.

@KEvLA

see! I’m not the only one

News flash. You can raise totally independent, confident and aware adults by having this approach too 👍🏻

No, but you are in a relatively small minority @LuckySantangelo35 !

The plain fact is, most people think OP is perfectly reasonable in wanting to have Christmas morning how she wants to have it when she's in her own home. And that GPs 'demanding' to come round are the unreasonable ones.

Newsflash - one person’s independent and aware kid is other people’s total pain in the arse.

There's a marked difference between thinking your DCs are the most important people in your life, and treating them like that or letting them know it 😄

My DCs are the centre of MY universe, but I have never given then cause to thing they are the centre of THE universe…

@KEvLA

totally agree with this

there is nothing wrong with your kids knowing that you are a person too with friends etc and a social life etc outside of your “little family “

YANBU. For the past three years my GC’s parents have decided they’d like to do Christmas dinner in their own houses, so GC can spend time with their toys instead of visiting everyone else on Christmas Day. Perfectly acceptable and I agree.

As GP’s we visit one set of GC at 11am for an hour and then on to the other set for 12pm to play with GC whilst their mother prepares dinner. We alternate every year. I have them all for dinner on New Years Day.

I wouldn’t want visitors as soon as I get out of bed either OP. Stick to your guns and come to a compromise. Good luck 🍀🎄🎅🏻

@thing47

its mumsnet so that’s probs the case 🤷‍♀️

on mumsnet people hate socialising with anyone,

friends are not seen as very important (heaven forbid if your friends actually want to go out with you….especially…. At night time or a weekend - that’s faaaaaamily time!)

other family especially mother in laws are to avoided at all costs, seen once a month at most but preferably less. To see you they have to book by appointment. They shouldn’t be involved in anything nice in your kids lives like Christmas present opening cos they’ve had their chance at that, and now it’s your turn (except when it comes to providing free child care of course!)

it’s all about battening down the hatches and snuggle up with my little family - bliss!

people in real life aren’t so much like that

Absolutely. In my little family, my children are MY world. Others may not have that approach. The dynamics of each family are unique. They understand they have GPs, Aunties, uncles etc. Just because they're my world, doesn't mean that everything else suffers but my children are MY priority, as I chose to have THEM. I just think raising independent, confident little people is so important as society knocks that out of them.
As far as Christmas goes.. if my children are so intent on having their grandparents there for Xmas - they're there (if they want to be). My in-laws aren't bothered by mine, my mother is though. I would quite happily have my mother there for all of Christmas but I understand I have siblings and my children have to take their turn 🤷

I've not noticed that dislike of socialising… I wonder why that is? My DCs are older, albeit currently living at home, so we no longer have that whole 'family time' issue and my MIL died before we had kids so I have been spared that torture too!

DH would, I think, say he gets on fine with my parents and is happy to visit them, but finds it quite hard work purely because they have nothing in common whatsoever. We do go them every Christmas, as does my sister but we both get on very well with her and her DH (their DCs are also lovely but not often around as they are in the 30s and both live/work abroad). We've never had any babysitting or childcare from them so don't have that sort of transactional relationship. Maybe I've just been lucky?

I agree with you that there are one or two strange tenets on MN which don't bear much resemblance to RL as I know it, but I do think in this particular instance the GPs sound a bit overbearing. The impression I had from the OP was that she has tried asking nicely and they ignored her so now she is feeling a little more bullish. At the end of the day, whatever you think of the whole 'my little family' language, it is OP's house and OP's children so she does get to make the rules.

Are they overbearing? Do they dictate how things should go? Do they make derogatory remarks? Do they suck the fun out of Christmas?
I voted that YABU but that's because as a child I had the best Christmases when my Grandparents visited.

I don’t understand why the presents is the ‘most magical’ part of Christmas. What is it with grandparents obsession with giving kids gifts?! There’s a million magical moments they can enjoy with their grandchildren around Christmas so I’d tell them to find a tradition either before or after Christmas and let you enjoy the day how you like.

You are not being unreasonable omg these are YOUR children and YOUR memories! You should be able to do what you like? Why should you be dictated to on Christmas? Your parents have had their turn with you when you were little now it’s your turn to enjoy these little moments! I have the same thing at the moment family always wanting to get in on everything me and my husband do for my 3 little ones always want to be there or get tickets or come on holiday with us! It’s nice and everything but called boundaries!!

Your children, your family, your Christmas. If they don't want to spend the rest of the time with you or have dinner on Christmas, then they shouldn't get priority as and when it suits them.
Tell them their welcome after X o'clock, if they would like to come but if they don't then that's fine too.