AIBU to tell parents they can’t visit until after lunch?

[Doicompromise]

I have primary school aged children (and for context one sibling who has no children). My parents try and turn up every year first thing on Christmas morning to be there when the kids open their presents “to be part of the magic”. When they were really little they would turn up for half an hour to give presents and then we would all have dinner together.
The last few years they just want to turn up with presents to be part of the magic and go and have dinner elsewhere and enjoy the rest of their day which is up to them.
I voice each year that I would rather they did not visit in the morning so that we can enjoy our own time together as a family on Christmas morning and it’s not chaotic. I am usually told “no we have dinner to get to and we want to see the kids”.
Part of it is that they now don’t spend Christmas dinner with us so I feel a bit miffed they don’t want to spend that time with us. But primarily I just want to enjoy those precious moments while my children are little, I don’t want visitors there for “the most magical moments”. I just want to enjoy my children with my husband and then I’m happy to have visitors after lunch or visit other people.
I don’t feel I’m being super precious about this but if I am then I’ll have to compromise. I don’t want to upset my parents, but equally I do want to enjoy Christmas with my little family without feeling like each year someone rocks up to see the special bit and then leaves with no thought for how we wish to spend our day. Any suggestions?

Oh and are your ILs the same?

Thinking you can't exactly have one set or parents but not the other.

Your home your kids your rules Christmas will be much pleasanter for you after you pay down the Christmas boundaries

I dont u derstand the rationale of saying "remember! Your kids will grow up one day and might just decide to do the same to you!"

That is exactly the point - when my kids are adults they are free to spend Christmas however and with whomever they choose. Me bending over and pleasing everyone else but myself/DH while they are small doesn't make that any more or less likely.

It's the typical attitude of so many from the older generation here in the UK "well I put my needs last so so should you" then endingup disappointed when in fact your expectations of it being "your turn" aren't met. My ex MIL was like this. She let people hog her babies and never let her hold them when they were small and she thought it was her turn to do that to me. Got a shock when I refused to play that and thank God. You don't get those moments back.

Tell them politely but bluntly that you and your DH want to spend this Christmas morning alone with your children.

Your parents have had their shot at "the magic" when you and your sibling were children. Why on earth would you continue to allow them to spoil your own family Christmas?

Clearly, many posters would welcome their parents in this situation. But the fact is, you don't. And why should you? It's perfectly natural and understandable to want the morning to be private, leisurely and intimate.

Don't be guilted into missing out on YOUR dream Christmas for the sake of a couple who want to cherry pick being with you!

Where is the OP?
Me thinks this is fake - for an article??

Lock the doors and put a note on the door lol

Apparently she’s tried to tell them but they ain’t listening!

id be more than happy for my parents to come for the special bit and then not have to cook dinner for them. You seem a bit of a grinch OP unless there’s more to it

It's very difficult to know what to do. You don't want to upset the grandparents but it seems they don't mind upsetting you. What does darling H say? Good luck.

I get this entirely. My parents are family where my inlaws were visitors and my father in law is still that way.
When we go to my parents or they come to ours everyone mucks in with making dinner/clearing dishes etc, helps themselves to drinks, would feel comfortable pottering around in pjs. While I told inlaws to help themselves to a coffee/tea/biscuits any time from
early on they never did. They’d sit and chat and wait to be offered one/drop hints. If we went to their house we were never invited to help ourselves and they got into a flap when I went to help with dishes. It’s weird that it’s such small things but it makes you feel a bit uncomfortable to be sat in PJs when people don’t seem able to make themselves at home.
All that said we like to do Christmas morning with just the 4 of us. We usually video call all grandparents and say hi and then my parents come for late lunch or we go to them and OHs family we do something on Boxing Day. It’s nice for the us to just potter about with the small people and have a lazy start and then it’s also nice to see everyone later. We spread presents out too so do Santa/us on Christmas morning, my families gifts after dinner and OHs families gifts on Boxing Day.

This ^^

I love family xmases and my parents stay over. However I can see why other people would find Xmas just mum dad and DCs pottering, getting up when you want, opening presents relaxed when you want, quick breakfast and not waiting for (or waiting on) other people to arrive that dictates your Xmas morning (even if you have a closer relationship there's still everyone has to wait then come down and sit together with cups or tea whilst opening presents ..)

I think PILs are trying to steal that magic and then go on to what they want for rest of day, after you e said no, we are inviting you to eat and drink something after midday- as you have quiet plans for the morning.

Would find it better to have ... I meant

I honestly don't get this. They are keen GPS who want to come around for an hour, surely this is much easier than hosting them for lunch? Looking back on it my dgps were such an amazing part of Christmas. To think that it was important to them to want to spend time with us makes me feel so loved. I fear the "our little family" crowd will be very lonely when they get older.

Why don’t you go to them for Xmas dinner - make that suggestion and save some gifts for them too open then. This way it means your parents having to compromise so if they really want to see you they will do so. If they don’t then the same rule applies. Also saves you cost and rushing about slaving in the kitchen. Sounds like they want the best of everthing to suit them.

I think a lot of people are projecting their own experiences.

I never had GPs in my life at all. It was always 'our little family'. This makes it easy to stand up for the experiences I want with my GC. I suppose I did issue an open invitation to people to come for Christmas but due to distance, my parents didn't come on the day. My MIL didn't come because Christmas had to be at her place or no place.

I do not regret having just DH, myself and the children for Christmas morning quiet gift opening. Those are my precious memories, they're the memories I have of my own childhood too. I have no expectation that my own adult children should do anything other than what they want for their own 'little families' at Christmas and I fit in with their choices.

I sometimes do feel a loss of extended family in general but that's a different topic.

That should be 'my children'. I would never stand up for experiences I want with my GC because that wouldn't be appropriate.

DMIL used to do this. It started with her asking us to call her when kids were up and then we'd wait for her to arrive before letting them open presents. We told her that wasn't working for us. So she started coming up early and waiting outside in her car until she saw lights come on. One year we woke before kids, turned our bedroom light on (around 6 ish), and within seconds she was ringing doorbell and waking the kids. It was madness. It felt really intrusive. Now we're back to calling her, but we don't wait for her (and dint call her as soon as kids wake)

How rude and intrusive of her. She had her turn with her kids. Your turn to do things your way now.

Reallyy? they are asking for an hour in the morning to watch the kids enjoy the magic of Christmas.....they arent asking to be fed....if that is your idea of selfish...its unusual. Point is...what do the kids want? my dad was pretty difficult. Fell out with his family so never saw all my uncles, aunts and cousins. Just my mums mum spent Christmas with us. Every year....just the four of us. As soon as I married my husband...who is one of six....we had over 20 every year...all my DH family....I loved it. The kids....my kids...now in their 40s try and recreate our Christmases...they said it was the best bit...houseful of people.

@Auntieobem that's really intrusive, and as always you can't have one set of parents without the other. The thought of 4 people on my doorstep the second my kids are up would drive me daft.

But there isn’t really a case for parents to run OPs Christmas Day. Especially given the parents aren’t joining in with the whole thing. By not staying for lunch It’s almost as though they are more interested in the grandchildren than their daughter. That would upset me too.

when I was a child the adults would put the presents in a pillow case and leave at the bottom of the bed. Because Santa had come in the night. We would open on awakening then run around showing each other what we got. Yes early hours. But very relaxed and special. No formality. and just parents and children still in pyjamas.

something a bit rude about going out for Christmas lunch instead of accepting family invite. They go to a restaurant? Why? Some people prefer that when older and grown up or no family. But a family Christmas lunch invite? I’d dig deeper to find out why they don’t want to do it.

I say they had their chance when you were little. If you don’t want them there it’s entirely up to you. It’s your special time

I think PILs are trying to steal that magic

They don’t want to “steal” it - how can you even steal it, ffs? They want to share it.

@solonge I absolutely get what you’re saying however the tone of the message is that they end up accommodating her parents at a time that suits them not that time that works for everyone else so to kill two birds with one stone why not mention going over there for dinner and they can do it all in the afternoon or at from midday they have their special time in the morning and then they can have extra special time together with the family in the afternoon whilst having dinner at the parents. It’s all about give-and-take And perhaps the stress will be taken away from OP if they were offered this as an option?

But they don't want to share any other aspect of the day, which is hurtful to their dd.