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Original poster

Emotional affair

163 replies

Helena22 · 08/11/2022 13:53

I found out about my DH's affair back in the summer. My children had been doing GCSEs and A'levels and apparently the affair was going on for 2 years, with a rep at work who had already been in a physical relationship with one of DH's colleagues. Anyway, he has sent many gifts to her with messages of love and these intensified up to when I found out. I confronted him and he's been tearful, remorseful and defensive in equal measure. They were having a lot of contact via Whatsapp, phone and tracked each other's location but I was so trusting I never really guessed or suspected. He even said I would get on well with her when I confronted him! Anyway, some months on and I am medicated for anxiety and depression, he is still at home behaving like nothing has happened and I just don't know what to do. I feel I need evidence to disprove his claims that it was just an emotional relationship, didn't mean anything, was a fantasy etc etc. It took him 2 weeks to end it although I don't know if he actually did and I remain paranoid. I can't go on like this - any advice?

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MatildaTheCat · 08/11/2022 13:57

You don’t need any more evidence. Your H is, very sadly, a lying cheat and has made you ill. You should look at speaking to a solicitor with a view to divorce but if that’s too much to take on then take some control back and insist on counselling and lay down your terms.

Is divorce possible? Use all the support you can muster.

Im sorry you are in this position.

Sparklesocks · 08/11/2022 14:04

I’m very sorry OP, it’s a huge betrayal and really rips through you. I don’t really know what else you can do but end things as you’ve lost your trust in him and don’t know if you believe it’s really ended or what happened. Relationships can come back from infidelity in some cases, but it’s a long road and the cheating party needs to show they’re doing everything they can to repair what they’ve broken - not just sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened.

Newmum0322 · 08/11/2022 14:10

I sadly think this is a case of leave him now or wait for him to leave you later.

He waited to end it… he probably wanted to run off with her and waited to see what her thoughts were! When she said no, he stayed!

if he’s ignoring it then at the very best he’s not dealt with the issues and will in all probability do it again. Time will only add to your mental health woes!

sorry you’re going through this, but show him you’re worth more and kick him out!!

neverbeenskiing · 08/11/2022 14:18

Two years is a long time, this cannot be chalked up to a moment of madness. In your shoes I would also find it very difficult to believe that in that time the relationship never became physical. But even if he's telling the truth and this was an entirely sexless two year relationship, I'm not sure it matters. The declarations of love are more hurtful than sex would be, surely? If he was genuinely remorseful and desperate to regain your trust then I imagine he would be doing everything possible to secure another job where he no longer has to have contact with this woman. Is he doing this? If not, why not? How is he trying to earn your trust? Because if he's just carrying on as normal then I think that says a lot.

DesignerRecliner · 08/11/2022 14:21

I think you need to have the self respect to call an end to things now & accept that a change in finances is worth not being with a twat Flowers

Cosmos123 · 08/11/2022 14:23

Leave and your life will begin.
Weight will lift from your shoulders and your health will improve.

Noone is worth damage to your health.

ICanHideButICantRun · 08/11/2022 14:26

I sadly think this is a case of leave him now or wait for him to leave you later.

I think this is very true - sadly, with a couple of my friends, their marriages were happier towards the end as it seemed the guy felt better once a decision was made, which made it incredibly hard for my friends when they got the news their marriages were over.

Original poster
Helena22 · 08/11/2022 14:28

He is looking at another job although I found a message from her the other day which suggests that she knows about this and the new location is within her territory. I was really upset - he claims she doesn't know but I think she reached out to his new employer knowing he is going there.

OP posts:
neverbeenskiing · 08/11/2022 14:31

Helena22 · 08/11/2022 14:28

He is looking at another job although I found a message from her the other day which suggests that she knows about this and the new location is within her territory. I was really upset - he claims she doesn't know but I think she reached out to his new employer knowing he is going there.

He should have told her when he ended things not to message him anymore, or better still blocked her so she didn't have the option.

Original poster
Helena22 · 08/11/2022 14:34

She was copied into an email from his potential new employer to DH. DH claims this was a mistake but its too coincidental for me. He's spent £1000s on her over the past two years. I have never had flowers bought for me every few weeks in our 20 year marriage. Its so sad and so upsetting but the worst of it is reading the notes sent with the gifts (I hacked his online accounts) where he says he loves her always and that they can never leave each other.

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Newmum0322 · 08/11/2022 14:42

Wow, just read your updates. I’m so sorry, that is heart breaking.

you need to regain some of the control back in your life. He’s clearly a man that doesn’t deserve you and you don’t deserve to be second best to a man who (I’m so sorry to say it) but is clearly in love with someone else.

Be strong, get your ducks in a row, then move onwards and upwards. It will do wonders for your confidence and self worth x

christmas2022 · 08/11/2022 14:44

ave you posted about this before Op and advised by most of the people within that thread that is it very very likely that this was a sexual affair?

Is the rep a woman that was with other men in the industry also?

Original poster
Helena22 · 08/11/2022 14:45

It just feels to me that there was /is far more to their relationship that he's letting on. He said he was able to talk to her at a time when he was feeling really down but it clearly went beyond that with the flowers, perfume, jewellery and other gifts he was buying her including on their "anniversary". I asked what the anniversary was and he just said the date when they realised how close they had become.....it just doesn't add up - or am I being unreasonable?

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BananaFluff · 08/11/2022 14:47

You don't need any more evidence. Do you want to leave him?

christmas2022 · 08/11/2022 14:47

The only way that you're being unreasonable is not being angry about what your husband has done and letting him minimise this and carry on as normal.

Kick him out, tell him you need space to process this. That it will take him
Being honest about what actually went on to be able to even attempt to work through it.

Don't let him get away with this. Sounds like it's still going on.

Theskyisfallingdown · 08/11/2022 14:51

Is this all you want from life? Some sad sack who’s openly in a relationship with another woman, thinking you’re mug enough to believe his halfhearted lies? You could have a peaceful, enjoyable life.

Theskyisfallingdown · 08/11/2022 14:55

He’s not worth all this pondering and anguish, he’s not even worth a conversation, imagine him crapping himself when presented with divorce papers, while you happily plan your life rid unburdened of this low quality male. He’s already robbed you of £100s, and years of your life, don’t let him steal anything else. Get STD tested and book a solicitor. Life is for living.

KalaniM · 08/11/2022 14:57

Urgh. he idealises her, and normalises you till you’re invisible to him, isn’t it. Classic male psychological splitting. If he had an actual relationship with her he’d start to romanticise his time with you. It’s a trap door technique : how to avoid relationship whilst imagining one.
have you tried couples counselling where he tries to honour you, instead of her?! Or is that not of interest.

Original poster
Helena22 · 08/11/2022 15:03

I think couples counselling would be a good idea. I am angry that he won't admit how awful it is to cheat like this on someone you have been with for 30 years (married 20). The OW is far more attractive than me and I wish he would just admit that he is far more attracted to her than me and move on.....

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BabyGrooverBug · 08/11/2022 15:03

If the children are grown up there's no urgent need to stay together. So if you want out you can quit the marriage without much drama.

If you don't want out I guess you have to live with it and ignore it.

Only you know which option you prefer.

neverbeenskiing · 08/11/2022 15:03

Helena22 · 08/11/2022 14:45

It just feels to me that there was /is far more to their relationship that he's letting on. He said he was able to talk to her at a time when he was feeling really down but it clearly went beyond that with the flowers, perfume, jewellery and other gifts he was buying her including on their "anniversary". I asked what the anniversary was and he just said the date when they realised how close they had become.....it just doesn't add up - or am I being unreasonable?

I think it is vanishingly unlikely they haven't been having sex. I mean really, really unlikely. But even if it were true, he cannot possibly claim it "meant nothing" when they were carrying on for two years, celebrated an "anniversary", he told her he loved her. Either way he is not being truthful.

XAQ · 08/11/2022 15:05

I'd prefer a cheating partner to fuck someone else rather then to have a long standing emotional affair where 'I love you' and gifts were given.

They were fucking OP. However much you try to ignore that, you know its the truth. Plus they are still in contact.

Kick him out.

0o0o0 · 08/11/2022 15:09

It's unlikely for that long that it was just an emotional affair. They don't usually spend that much money on a whim. He loves her, they've probably been having sex.

"* The OW is far more attractive than me and I wish he would just admit that he is far more attracted to her than me and move on....."*

Why don't you use your above words to give yourself strength to make the decision for you, and leave him?

Dinkyboo · 08/11/2022 15:09

Hes a walking red flag. You need to run.

Original poster
Helena22 · 08/11/2022 15:09

He is adamant they weren't sleeping together but I just don't believe him. He says they never met up but I found receipts for parking at local stately homes and other country parks x 2 and for at least one lunch and evening drinks. He said the parking machines charged him double by mistake (!) and that he went out with colleagues rather than her. He's deleted all their messages and I have no access to his bank account statements or phone bills so will never know. And its the never knowing that is killing me.

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