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Original poster

Emotional affair

163 replies

Helena22 · 08/11/2022 13:53

I found out about my DH's affair back in the summer. My children had been doing GCSEs and A'levels and apparently the affair was going on for 2 years, with a rep at work who had already been in a physical relationship with one of DH's colleagues. Anyway, he has sent many gifts to her with messages of love and these intensified up to when I found out. I confronted him and he's been tearful, remorseful and defensive in equal measure. They were having a lot of contact via Whatsapp, phone and tracked each other's location but I was so trusting I never really guessed or suspected. He even said I would get on well with her when I confronted him! Anyway, some months on and I am medicated for anxiety and depression, he is still at home behaving like nothing has happened and I just don't know what to do. I feel I need evidence to disprove his claims that it was just an emotional relationship, didn't mean anything, was a fantasy etc etc. It took him 2 weeks to end it although I don't know if he actually did and I remain paranoid. I can't go on like this - any advice?

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 17/11/2022 10:58

Grow a pair. They are both setting you and the kids up for huge financial failure. Get what you need to go to a solicitor now. There is no way he’s not cheating or preparing to jump ship. He won’t go to a counsellor. Spend the thousands he’s spent on her on the lawyer and protect you and the kids.

Vikinga · 17/11/2022 11:10

Your husband has been cheating on you for 2 years. Whilst you're at home looking after your kids, he's using his time, energy, emotions and money wooing another woman.

I wouldn't be able to forgive that and I don't think you should either. And I would very much doubt they haven't slept together.

notstoppingnow · 17/11/2022 11:19

He's having his cake and eating it.
I know you're incredibly upset @Helena22 and you don't know up from down but you must get strong with him otherwise he will continue to walk all over your relationship.
Some men are like some little boys. They get away with something, no consequence, so continue the behaviour and sometimes escalate.
Without consequences to their actions, they think they're entitled to do whatever it is they're doing. They have no inner moral code the way most people do. They need continual reminders.
Tell him that unless he stops all contact right now, that you will start divorce proceedings immediately. You can do it online, and you can do it right now. Show him you mean business.

notstoppingnow · 17/11/2022 11:21

I would also calculate how much money he's spent on this OW and immediately demand a transfer of the same amount into your personal bank account from his personal funds.

candywoo · 17/11/2022 11:23

I'm so sorry but your husband doesn't love you anymore.

notstoppingnow · 17/11/2022 11:26

Knowing what I know about silly, entitled MM and OW who think they're fifteen years old again in some Shakespearean love story, I would advise you that the 'anniversary' is highly likely to refer to the day they first kissed.

notstoppingnow · 17/11/2022 11:27

candywoo · 17/11/2022 11:23

I'm so sorry but your husband doesn't love you anymore.

A ridiculous and cruel thing to state.

Jenny3412 · 17/11/2022 11:28

It’s not. There are variations but staying longer is worth it financially. No taking back of anything I have said at all. A mother that does not take care of her core priorities is indeed not as good as the one that does. My advice and I stand by it, is not to give this cheap liaison any more space than it deserves. Know your worth. And know the pecking order of the other’s.

candywoo · 17/11/2022 11:47

@notstoppingnow It may sound cruel but you wouldn't do that to someone you loved.

Jenny3412 · 17/11/2022 11:55

@GreenManalishi No apologies, let me just state that the other woman chose to be the other woman, nobody held a gun to her head and said you must go ahead and do this. She’s done the rounds and she’s on a mission, this is no great big love here. In fact, the gifts are quite modest compared to what he would’ve had to pay if he had gone to a prozzie. There u go, I didn’t call her that. Not in the slightest. she did it for cheaper than that.

Original poster
Helena22 · 17/11/2022 12:07

notstoppingnow · 17/11/2022 11:26

Knowing what I know about silly, entitled MM and OW who think they're fifteen years old again in some Shakespearean love story, I would advise you that the 'anniversary' is highly likely to refer to the day they first kissed.

I think you are probably right - I've asked and asked but he insists that the anniversary was the date they realised they cared about each other. I don't buy it nor do I believe they never met up - why would you send flowers, perfume, chocolates, champagne, jewellery to someone you just speak to on the phone/via whatsapp......

OP posts:
Original poster
Helena22 · 17/11/2022 14:13

I am beginning to realise there is no way back now. He has destroyed all trust I had in him and our relationship, my heart is well and truly broken and I am paranoid and depressed. What is more, I am convinced that he is still hiding information from me. All his messages with her were deleted and he's hidden bank accounts and I don't have access to phone records. He shrugs the affair off as silly, unreal and a fantasy but it seems that it was far more than that, unless I am overreacting? After 30 years together it is a sad end to our marriage but I am sure he is still seeing her and will get together with her once I am out of the picture. I am lonely and really need to move on and stop feeling trapped.

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 17/11/2022 15:12

@Helena22 I'm so sorry, this really is shit, but it's not going to get any better if you wait for him to make it so.

Accept that everything that comes out of his mouth now is a lie to save his own skin, and you have been given 10% of the truth, if that.

Back yourself up, and take the steps you need in order to move on.

GreenManalishi · 17/11/2022 16:59

My love

he insists that the anniversary was the date they realised they cared about each other

this, in itself is just plain unacceptable. Without any of the details of what actually happened. Do you have anniversaries with your friends where you shower each other with gifts to commemorate the day you met? You do not. We do not do this.

So even what he is using as a lie to justify his actions, as absolutely unacceptable. Even, if you believe that that's all there is, it's still too much.

I think that when you get away from this marriage you will realise in time that he has been playing you like a fiddle for the majority of it. Your self esteem must be through the floor. Engage with a therapist you like and trust and get some real life support while you go through this.

Original poster
Helena22 · 17/11/2022 18:45

This afternoon I had access to his phone and her number is still in his contacts. You are all right but I need to play a clever game of ensuring I end up with the best outcome I can achieve - no sudden moves, gather info and evidence and look after the kids and myself at the same time. OW will win ultimately - she will be delighted to get him to herself. She really will. Years of trying to bag a doctor well spent!

OP posts:
Jenny3412 · 17/11/2022 18:56

Before you do give up just tell him you’ve got proof it was physical so if he wants any chance of marriage he has to tell the whole truth or you are through.

Original poster
Helena22 · 17/11/2022 19:03

Even if it was physical (which I think it was), I think he'll still deny it. But no one sends that many gifts and flowers to someone he isn't infatuated by and who he doesn't want to sleep with. The sending flowers to her whilst our son was in hospital and then whilst we were on our family summer holiday really does hurt.

OP posts:
waterwitch · 17/11/2022 19:28

Helena, you really don’t need any more evidence. What you do need is the best legal advice you can get. Please go and see a solicitor and listen carefully to what they advise.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you 💐
What is in your H’s future really doesn’t matter , what matters is that you look after yourself and your kids, and find your way out of this mess. The rest of your life is waiting for you!

DMLady · 17/11/2022 19:55

Helena22 · 17/11/2022 19:03

Even if it was physical (which I think it was), I think he'll still deny it. But no one sends that many gifts and flowers to someone he isn't infatuated by and who he doesn't want to sleep with. The sending flowers to her whilst our son was in hospital and then whilst we were on our family summer holiday really does hurt.

It is incredibly hurtful and I’m so sorry he’s put you through this. You must be reeling, and I’m not surprised you’re struggling to get your head around it. I think you’ve said elsewhere that you’ve not spoken to anyone about it in person and don’t want to until you’ve decided what you’re going to do. I just wanted to say that you could perhaps consider going to a couples (or other kind of) counsellor on your own; it might be helpful. Personally, I would also get legal and/or financial advice; even if you decide to try to stay with your husband, it doesn’t hurt to explore options/know your rights.

Original poster
Helena22 · 17/11/2022 20:46

Have started sessions with a Counsellor - just me. He's not interested and doesn't ask me about how I am getting on with it. In the cold light of day I can see how he would be attracted to a slightly younger, glamorous, slimmer woman who gives him plenty of attention and only has her children half of the time.....

OP posts:
DMLady · 17/11/2022 21:02

Helena22 · 17/11/2022 20:46

Have started sessions with a Counsellor - just me. He's not interested and doesn't ask me about how I am getting on with it. In the cold light of day I can see how he would be attracted to a slightly younger, glamorous, slimmer woman who gives him plenty of attention and only has her children half of the time.....

It’s good (I think) that you’re talking to someone. Personally, I think the fact your husband doesn’t ask about it is okay in the sense that the sessions should be for and about you. On the other hand, the fact he’s not interested is, for me, another nail in the coffin. And I don’t know about the younger, more glamorous woman bit; I just think your husband is a complete dick. (Sorry…)

Jenny3412 · 17/11/2022 22:51

Oh dear he’s done your self esteem no favours. I can also see that you might be attracted to a younger man, who’s not a liar, does not have a receding hairline and a beer gut. Don’t forget he has aged as well. And don’t be fooled by someone’s supposed glamorous appearance. We all good on Instagram. These are all the things she would love you to believe. Your husband is a fool. But you don’t need to sink with him.

Cw112 · 17/11/2022 23:00

Unfortunately op I think you have all the evidence right there. For me a physical affair is one thing but an emotional and financial one lasting years is worse. He spent 1000s of money that should be your shared income for your family and your future on her and even now she's still in touch. It's up to you if you think you can rebuild trust with him/ what that would need to look like and op... its OK if you can't. I was cheated on by an ex. I spent 2 years trying to get past it and rebuild things and honestly it changed me (not for the better). He ended up leaving me for someone else in the end after lots of gaslighting. Sometimes we need to accept that there are betrayals you just can't come back from and it's ok if this is your line in the sand. You deserve to feel happy, you've tried to make it work and he was the one who was in the wrong. You need to do what's right for you and you will be OK in the long run no matter what. * *

Herejustforthisone · 17/11/2022 23:06

I think what I’m most struck by is how brazen he is. He’s not apologetic at all. He’s cruel and gaslighting you but he simply doesn’t care. He feels no shame for what he’s done. It’s astonishing. I suspect there’s something in him that’s wired wrong.

paintitallover · 17/11/2022 23:26

I think you should decide your next steps on the basis of what you believe has happened, and not on the basis of any arse covering story from him.

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