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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Emotional affair

163 replies

Helena22 · 08/11/2022 13:53

I found out about my DH's affair back in the summer. My children had been doing GCSEs and A'levels and apparently the affair was going on for 2 years, with a rep at work who had already been in a physical relationship with one of DH's colleagues. Anyway, he has sent many gifts to her with messages of love and these intensified up to when I found out. I confronted him and he's been tearful, remorseful and defensive in equal measure. They were having a lot of contact via Whatsapp, phone and tracked each other's location but I was so trusting I never really guessed or suspected. He even said I would get on well with her when I confronted him! Anyway, some months on and I am medicated for anxiety and depression, he is still at home behaving like nothing has happened and I just don't know what to do. I feel I need evidence to disprove his claims that it was just an emotional relationship, didn't mean anything, was a fantasy etc etc. It took him 2 weeks to end it although I don't know if he actually did and I remain paranoid. I can't go on like this - any advice?

OP posts:
Helena22 · 14/11/2022 13:24

Painterpallette · 13/11/2022 12:33

Tracking each others location is just weird.
Was it some sort of power game? Does she get off on having power over the innocent partner of the man she's having an affair with?

I think they were doing it to be intimate and so that they could message/meet up (though he denies meeting up) when their respective partners were out of the way.....that said, he used to speak with her when he was at home and just walk down the garden...

OP posts:
boddidoil · 14/11/2022 13:29

How does tracking the location of an affair partner work though because it won't tell you if the affair partner is alone or not (confused)?

Helena22 · 14/11/2022 13:30

Making sure they are not at home I assume......?

OP posts:
Helena22 · 14/11/2022 14:38

boddidoil · 14/11/2022 13:29

How does tracking the location of an affair partner work though because it won't tell you if the affair partner is alone or not (confused)?

To be fair it seemed a bit weird to me when I found out.....

OP posts:
DarceyG · 14/11/2022 14:42

Helena22 · 08/11/2022 15:03

I think couples counselling would be a good idea. I am angry that he won't admit how awful it is to cheat like this on someone you have been with for 30 years (married 20). The OW is far more attractive than me and I wish he would just admit that he is far more attracted to her than me and move on.....

Hey, stop with her being far more attractive nonsense. She is an absolute cretin. Ita the worst thing to go through I was tormented by it and I was only with my ex 4 years. You don't need him let him go!!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/11/2022 14:57

Hi OP

He was in love with someone else and he has lied to you as well as spending a shitload of money on her. I dont know what else he needs to do for you to accept it's over. The parking charged him twice....has this ever happened in your whole life? Of course they met and something physical has happened. Whether that progressed to full sex or not...its like he has already betrayed you in 99 ways but you're waiting for confirmation on one more so you can say 'its 100, now I can leave'.

I don't think there is any point in counselling with someone who wont even demonstrate they want to work through this through complete honesty

AgathaX · 14/11/2022 15:04

You're torturing yourself trying to get further information from him. You know he replaced the time, love, affection and commitment that should have been yours, giving it to her for the duration of their affair.
What more do you really need to know. You no longer trust him, you are unhappy, you suspect he'll leave you in the future once your children are older.
Do you really want to hang around waiting for that to happen? It would be understandable if he'd shown real commitment to you since your discovery, but he hasn't.
You're worth more than this.

Whatisthegoss · 14/11/2022 15:24

Op your trust has been broken your heart too.
What is the need to stay within this twisted relationship anymore?
His emotional or be it sexual affair has ruined the grounds for a safe stable loving relationship together.
After 20 yrs perhaps walk away.
The receipts- Ask for a print out if you must.
To contact the woman- you will be to emotionally charged let that idea go, save your dignity & possible trouble.
How horrible to live in this relationship Op.
Get yourself a support system.

Helena22 · 15/11/2022 12:04

The problem is that I have told noone - the support isn't there at the moment and I do not feel I can tell anyone until I have made a decision about what I am going to do. And to make that decision I need to be stronger and consider everything.

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 15/11/2022 12:33

Stop for a minute. Back up. Let's flip this for a minute. Bearing in mind you know little of the extent of what's been going on, if you had been carrying on with a male colleague in car parks, spending money and energy and declaring undying love, what would it mean for your marriage? Well that is what's going on here.

What further information do you need in order to believe that what has been going on is inappropriate and you have sufficient reason to divorce him?

There is not a man alive that will spend thousands on flowers and jewellery for a woman for two years unless he is a) fucking her or b) waging a desperate long standing campaign because he wants to.

What are you expecting from her, or him now, other than more lies and deceit? Neither of them have any further information that will help you and he is taking you for a fool and you are letting him. She doesn't have your back. He certainly does not. Save your energy, you are going to need it.

Call a solicitor. Gather all your financial information ready for the appointment, you don't need to tell him what you're up to. Take care of any joint bank accounts.

Sit down with the phone and call your trusted friends and family. Tell them you have discovered that he has been having an affair with a colleague and you are not at all convinced that it is over as he is still in contact with her, and you're ending the marriage. Ask for their support.

Tell the kids, dad has been having an affair, and because of this I don't want to be married to him any more. I am sorting everything out, there might be some difficult moments but we will all be ok. Model to your DC the strength you hope for them to be able to show if this every happens to them.

There is no way to make this disappear. You need to make a decision and go through the steps and get it behind you, because bobbing along waiting for him to leave you will make you ill.

Jenny3412 · 15/11/2022 14:11

Guys why is everything so simplistic? Why does everybody seem to be saying to split up? I’m afraid by doing just that you solve one problem but open up 50 more.

think - if you split, first of all your kids are going to be spending time with the wretched woman. How yuck. Second of all why give precedence to the love over your stability and relationship. So he found some sexual attraction. So what. Big deal. In different cultures this is dealt with very differently. Examples in Somalian culture, men are actually expected to be a bit disgusting and seek sexual stimulation, so the women just look at each other and yawn. They kind of expected. The problem with our society is that we actually put a lot of importance of being disrespected.

Perhaps it’s not as simplistic as people seem to think. Perhaps this was an infatuation, that has run its course. Or that will run its course very soon. I don’t wanna confuse you, but life is not as simple as kick somebody out and they get on to have the most wonderful life with a new partner. I mean the guy’s been fancying a psychopath, only a psychopath could possibly be doing that to her own husband and her own children. The lady totally lacks empathy. Would you want your kids spending time with that low life?

at least when your kids are really fully grown, I’m not coming back on holidays from university et cetera done that might be a better time to kick him out if you were ever going to.

I suppose in your situation I would tell the man to man up. To come out clean with the truth, no matter how disgusting. Then I will inform him that it is really sad that he is seeking this sort of escapism and that his actions are utterly immature. I would talk about the importance of having a family for the sake of the children. And I suppose if ultimately at that point he does not man up and become honest and actually commit to honesty on a bigger scale, then you have a decision to make. Being separated means that you are still entitled to half of his pension. I wonder if he ever thought that one out. It’s actually in your interest to be separated till the end of his working career. So that he can spend his fashionable years on half a pension with his by then aged and used young sorry aged thing.

Anyhow don’t agonise too much, it can absolutely wreck your brains. And remember his lady is utterly gross as a person to be able to do that. No amount of love or lust would make me take my pants off if somebody was married and committed. Yuck, yuck, gross. And you on the other hand, are in every sense the winner, you just don’t see it yet.

The fabulous thing is even if they were to get together because they deceived other people they would start to suspect each other of cheating and lying. They will never be happy. 😊 most importantly don’t give the brief sexual attraction any more thought. It was short, it was sweet and it was utterly disgusting. Are you on the other hand got to build up a family. You are the champion. You have had the significant part of this man, and she’s only going to have used up yucky bits. An immature imbecile that needs an ego boost. You’ve got the best years of him.

Jenny3412 · 15/11/2022 14:17

Tell him they’re having a midlife crisis is nothing really original, he hasn’t invented the wheel. He’s just reinforced the stereotype. That when an aged man’s confidence and testosterone take a dip, most men seek that extra little boost that tells them they’re not past it. Treat him like the little man he is. You do need a voice. Trust me on this. And he really didn’t go for her because she’s more attractive than you. He went to her because she was an easy floozy that’s done the rounds in the office before. Don’t give this lowlife any more power. That’s honestly what she is.

GreenManalishi · 15/11/2022 14:29

@Jenny3412

His lady is utterly gross for taking her pants off for a married man... yuck, yuck, gross.

I mean the guy’s been fancying a psychopath, only a psychopath could possibly be doing that to her own husband and her own children.

Then surely by the same argument, the OP's husband has taken his pants off AS a married man... yuck, yuck, gross?

If only a psychopath woman could possibly have a relationship behind her husband and children's back, then surely any man who does the same would be a ....psychopath?

And as such, why would the OP be expected to minimise his behaviour as boys will be boys and turn a blind eye, and ignore the hurt he has caused and stay in the relationship which for her was broken by his continued disrespect?

The fact is that the OP does not live in Somalia as far as we are aware, nor is she in a marriage which is open, and in which affairs are supported. Yes, those set ups do exist, no, this isn't one of them so overlaying those values here isn't relevent.

I'm pleased that you feel that you have the power to make another person "come out with the truth no matter how disgusting" and your OH would "man up" because you demanded him to. Not always the case in real life, unfortuately.

Choconut · 15/11/2022 15:03

He's a liar and a cheat, you say he's spent loads on her - that's probably what she likes him for. He likes her looks, she likes his money. I expect it's all totally superficial, pathetic ego boosting all round. They both need to get some self esteem.

Do what you want OP. If you want to kick him out then kick him out, if you want to turn a blind eye then you wouldn't be the first and if you want to tell him you want an open marriage so you can have some fun too - then do that. I think you need to either stop sleeping with him though or use condoms if you don't already as she sounds like the local bike - also get an sti check.

Jenny3412 · 15/11/2022 15:47

Well obviously 🙄 to all you have said. My main priority was to illustrate that the ‘lady’ or shall I say OW in question is nothing to be idolised. Quite the opposite. Cheaper than the cheap. The OW would have been looking up our friend in need. The mistresses always do. Just like the girlfriend if Chris Watts she denied looking up the wife but it was all over her Google searches for hours and hours in end. But you have missed the true point. The empowerment in kicking someone out is just plain superficial and short lived. It’s also very much impossible. If you own the property in both your names you can not legally tell someone to get out. I think growing up and having frank conversations is the way forward. Just because this was a recent fling, it was concurrent which is why it was so cheap. It’s got nowhere pleasant to go. Weekends with her kids are not freedom yr man was looking for. Trust me.

GreenManalishi · 15/11/2022 16:12

@Jenny3412 that post doesn't really make any more sense than the first two, but glad you've got a system that works for you. Not sure what Chris Watts (or who he is?) has got to do with this, but good on you.

Jenny3412 · 16/11/2022 09:12

He’s the guy that murdered his wife and kids to be able to start again with the OW. The OW claimed she thought he was I no process of divorce. When the police had a look in they found she spent hours researching his wife, stalking her on social media, looking up wedding dresses, even putting in searches such as ‘how to get your affair partner to leave his wife’. Searches she deleted but were logged into Google nevertheless. All I’m saying is never underestimate the character that’s comfortable to play second fiddle. It’s a type. And it’s not in the same league as the lady posting here. She was a short lived distraction for an ageing desperado. I would not share my kids inheritance with this lowlife. Nor would I attribute qualities other than easy sex with someone who can’t commit as she’s already with kids. How much do you think your msn would like to spend his weekends getting to know little Alfie of little so and so. No way, He’s as selfish as they come and now it’s out of the bag, your man probably wants to stay.

Jenny3412 · 16/11/2022 09:22

But if you really want to find out the truth all you need to do is say the OW husband has been in touch. He’s had a private investigator involved. He has provided you with evidence of some things but you are not willing to disclose and now is time for him to tell the whole truth. Corner him,

Helena22 · 16/11/2022 14:53

She is divorced and has a boyfriend of 2 years that she doesn't live with, leaving her free to have affairs with other men - usually doctors it seems.

OP posts:
PollyAmour · 16/11/2022 14:56

Leave him.
Start afresh.
You deserve so much better than this, you know that.

Helena22 · 16/11/2022 15:03

She slept with a colleague of DH's before confiding in him about their relationship at the same time as having a relationship with someone else and two teen children. Impressive really.....

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 16/11/2022 15:46

Your husband is a doctor, then?

He’s a shameless liar. Utterly shameless. I cannot believe the bullshit he’s peddled you. You’re going to find out more and more unless you’re mentally in tatters.

Fuck, I hope you find it on you soon to kick him the fuck out.

GreenManalishi · 16/11/2022 17:27

She's not your focus here, don't waste your energy on her, she could be the Queen of Sheba, it doesn't matter. Your issue is with your husband, not her. It's him you're in a relationship with, she's just an interchangable third party. She could be anyone.

Jenny3412 · 16/11/2022 17:55

Oh dear. She sounds like a right floozy. Yr hubby just going through desperado phase. Look at the bar he’s set for himself going for such a low life already in an open relationship, and having done rounds at the office. He will snap out of it. Be open and honest with hubby. Tell him you have proof it was physical. And if he wants a chance at family then he has to stop lying. She’s a psychopath to be focusing on herself and her urges rather than her kids. And by the looks after yr house if yr hubby has a good income. You have invested far too much into this to simply hand over yr kids inheritance to a passing floozy. No way would I get out of the way. She’s trash, you are the real deal. Don’t forget separation means you have 1/2 the pension divorce means you don’t. Secure yourself into the future. And if anything it will be nice to see the two of them live it up in half the pension. And u get the other half. Think of all of this through. Don’t go for simplistic options. Wishing you strength.

GreenManalishi · 17/11/2022 10:47

@Jenny3412

It's 2022. It's really important that we do not continue to label the other woman as trash, jezebel, harlot, floozy, temptress and the husband as some poor hapless fool who got lured into something he didn't understand, that it's just a silly male mid life phase, while you'll be stoically dusting the shelves and weeding the garden at home hoping waiting for him to "snap out of it".

We know better and we can do better. It's all very tired.

I don't know where you live, but your pension advice is nonsense.

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