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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Emotional affair

163 replies

Helena22 · 08/11/2022 13:53

I found out about my DH's affair back in the summer. My children had been doing GCSEs and A'levels and apparently the affair was going on for 2 years, with a rep at work who had already been in a physical relationship with one of DH's colleagues. Anyway, he has sent many gifts to her with messages of love and these intensified up to when I found out. I confronted him and he's been tearful, remorseful and defensive in equal measure. They were having a lot of contact via Whatsapp, phone and tracked each other's location but I was so trusting I never really guessed or suspected. He even said I would get on well with her when I confronted him! Anyway, some months on and I am medicated for anxiety and depression, he is still at home behaving like nothing has happened and I just don't know what to do. I feel I need evidence to disprove his claims that it was just an emotional relationship, didn't mean anything, was a fantasy etc etc. It took him 2 weeks to end it although I don't know if he actually did and I remain paranoid. I can't go on like this - any advice?

OP posts:

Jenny3412 · 19/11/2022 14:43

@Thepeopleversuswork One strike and you're out for me. Truly disagree. That is not a balanced, considered position. Would you not want to know why? How it lead to this? Anyhow, I don’t happen to confuse brief and doomed sexual attraction for something it’s not. It’s not love.

I don’t tell myself anything. I know that I am more attractive than my spouse and the OW, I have always known that. So on that front I had my fair share of opportunities and still do. I just happen to know what I want out of life more than either of them. Hence I have turned down my opportunities to do the same, because they were not opportunities in the slightest. Not part of my plan. Growing close together can happen to any of us. Some people get caught in it a little more than they should have done. It’s what happens next that matters. We can’t change the past.

LolaCrapola · 29/01/2023 00:14

Just wondering how you’re doing Helena since time has passed and I’m also finding myself in a similar position?

Original poster

Helena22 · 30/01/2023 13:54

I am no further forward really, struggling with getting myself into a place where I can have frank conversations and make informed decisions. Sorry to hear that you have experienced a similar set of circumstances - what happened (if you feel you can share)?

OP posts:

LolaCrapola · 30/01/2023 22:50

my other half made a ‘friend’ a while back during Covid, in the spirit of ‘openness’ invited her to the house, went drinking with her and they became ‘drinking buddies’ to the point he fell in the door one day - drunk - and spent all night on the floor. I left him there. Spoke with him about the behaviour- he stopped drinking with her but carried on texting. This went on for months - I have ended up with anxiety and depression also. He has finally see the light of day but it has taken a counsellor to help him see that. My words fell on deaf ears. He now thinks he can fix things but I’m not so sure. I have unspent anger.

LolaCrapola · 30/01/2023 22:51

It is a whole thread of its own really 🙄

JeepersCreepersWheredYaGetThosePeepers · 31/01/2023 00:46

Helena22 · 08/11/2022 15:19

She is already in another relationship and has two kids so I am not really sure what she is looking for. I feel shell shocked right now but know I need to make a decision soon for my own sanity. Have been tempted to call her or write to her but I haven't.....

How do you know she's already in another relationship?

If your husband has told you this, can you believe him?

Phatgurlslym · 08/02/2023 14:30

You sound incredible, actually. Level headed and mature. You seem to think about things in a measured way and don't act impulsively, which is a real strength. All I want to say is that I am very sorry that someone as great as you has had to endure this man's dishonesty and abusiveness. There is no excuse for him spending all that money on gifts for her and not on you. If they are in love, well, good luck to them. He can't have it all his own way and you should take actions that suit you. Put yourself first. It is my guess that you will be so much happier without him. You will start to feel attractive again and be able to take pleasure in your intelligence and other gifts.

Original poster

Helena22 · 10/02/2023 09:33

Thanks - sometimes I feel strong and measured, other times I feel like a doormat. I honestly don't know what to do. He won't engage in any conversations about what happened and I am left not trusting him and worrying about what might be going on behind my back. As a family we have been through so much over the past two years that I want to avoid any further upset or upheaval whilst dd is still at home. But that might be the wrong thing to do and the heartache is still there - daily.

OP posts:

Original poster

Helena22 · 10/02/2023 09:35

He told me. She is separated/divorced from her dh and has two dcs. But yes, I have no idea if she really is in another relationship. Apparently has been for 2 years though they don't live together.....

When I first found out he said I would really like her and that he had been thinking of the four of us going out for dinner which is sick really.

OP posts:

HopelesslyOptimistic · 10/02/2023 09:39

I don't think you can come back from this OP. It's very clear he has deep feelings for this woman. We all know our emotions change over the years, ups, downs & sideways. It's his denial and carefree behaviour that would really piss me right off. Good luck you clearly deserve to be healthy again. Be strong.

Original poster

Helena22 · 15/02/2023 10:45

I just wish he would admit it. He says he has no contact with her (although I am sure there is contact at work) and that he wants to be with me. The trust has gone and I am constantly anxious and paranoid. BUT I don't want to make any snap decisions that end up hurting my DCs and put me in a difficult place....its so tough.

OP posts:

Freeme31 · 15/02/2023 12:06

It is understandable you want the best for your children OP it shows what a wonderful mum/person you are. It's not a race so if you want to bide your time with this - do so, but maybe set your own internal timer (say August) & know you will have to take some action by then, it may also give you time to get ducks in a row or gather evidence it is over between him and OW Good luck what ever you decide

queenMab99 · 15/02/2023 12:31

I was in a similar situation, 30 years ago.He was having an affair for 4 years, I knew there was something going on, but was gas lighted for ages, he said I was paranoid. Eventually he did admit to an affair but wouldn't tell me who it was. We had been married, happily, I thought for 20 years. I divorced him, and even now memories come up, from our married life, and I can see that although I was happy at the time, he was horribly selfish, things like me cycling or getting the bus to work, when I was pregnant, and him having the car to drive a 10 minute walk to work, as he was a teacher and didn't want the children he taught, to see him having to walk!
Get out as soon as you can, my children knew more than I did about the affair, and it messed them up, the guilt of keeping it from me.
I also met someone else and had a wonderful 20 years with him, but I would have been happy anyway, as leaving the painful situation was such a relief!

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