Emotional affair

[Helena22]

I found out about my DH's affair back in the summer. My children had been doing GCSEs and A'levels and apparently the affair was going on for 2 years, with a rep at work who had already been in a physical relationship with one of DH's colleagues. Anyway, he has sent many gifts to her with messages of love and these intensified up to when I found out. I confronted him and he's been tearful, remorseful and defensive in equal measure. They were having a lot of contact via Whatsapp, phone and tracked each other's location but I was so trusting I never really guessed or suspected. He even said I would get on well with her when I confronted him! Anyway, some months on and I am medicated for anxiety and depression, he is still at home behaving like nothing has happened and I just don't know what to do. I feel I need evidence to disprove his claims that it was just an emotional relationship, didn't mean anything, was a fantasy etc etc. It took him 2 weeks to end it although I don't know if he actually did and I remain paranoid. I can't go on like this - any advice?

OP if a colleague was telling you this exact situation about it happening to them, what would your opinion and your advice be?

I could be wrong but I suspect:

Your opinion would be they have clearly had sex, multiple times.

Your advice would be to run, he is dishonest and doesn't deserve you.

If that's not your advice then I apologise! If it would be your advice then you need to listen to yourself!

He is lying. He definitely fucked her.

He is definitely still obsessed with her.

He is probably in still in contact with her.

He definitely doesn’t care about you and is prepared to lie to you, hide stiff from you, humiliate you and make a mockery of you and your family.

Leave.

Whether he slept with her or not, he was in love with another woman. That means that he was thinking about her when he was with you. He spent time and money sending her gifts whilst he did nothing for you.

I'd rather my DP just had sex with someone else, than having feelings for them. His affair, whether sexual or not, is worse than had he been with a prostitute, in my mind.

Leave him. Your mental health is only going to get worse if you stay. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life second-guessing everything you and he do and say? Every time his phone pings, for the rest of your life, you'll wonder if it's another woman. Every time he leaves the house, you'll wonder if he's meeting another woman. When he's at work, you'll be wondering if he's sleeping with someone on his lunch etc. If he's late home, you'll never be sure if his explanation is true or a cover up for an affair.

Why would you choose to live like that? I'd rather be on my own than spend the rest of my life feeling like I wasn't good enough, never being able to trust my DH, and generally being a shell of my old self.

Please do yourself a favour and start divorce proceedings. For your own sanity!!

Call the other woman and find out for sure one way or other. You can’t carry on like this

If he admitted to shagging her then the OP will have another set of questions.

Bad stuff happened. Dwelling on it helps nobody.

This man does not respect nor love you. It’s one thing to have an emotional affair and cross the line but to send gifts with such detailed messages is crazy to me. I don’t understand why you’re still with him

I am still reeling from the shock of what someone who I thought was my soulmate and best friend has done to me and our children - hence why I’ve not made any decisions yet. And I’m struggling with the lack of honesty and transparency since I found out. I thought I deserved that at the very least.

Declaring his love for another person (repeatedly over two years!) is serious cheating even without sexual intimacy. He's trying to minimise this by claiming it wasn't physical, but it's a false distinction.

How is he still at home behaving like nothing has happened? He's been tearful (useless to you), remorseful (a good sign if it's genuine) and defensive (a very bad sign). He claims that it was just an emotional relationship, didn't mean anything, was a fantasy etc etc ... how does this square with his declarations of love? Was he lying to her? If it was meaningless why did he do it, knowing he was risking his marriage, hurting you, tearing his family apart? What's he doing to make sure it never happens again, to repair your relationship, to regain your trust?

Only he can tell you what happened (she has no obligation or loyalty to you and you have no basis on which to trust her). He refuses. You know he's lied repeatedly (TWO YEARS!) and you don't believe what he's telling you now. Some relationships can recover (mostly) from cheating, but the cheater has to be willing to do EVERYTHING it takes to fix things, however long it takes, with no timeline and no guarantees. Your husband - still lying, still defensive, still evasive, still acting like nothing has changed - is nowhere near that point. Ask him when he will be, or if you two should be discussing (1) splitting up or (2) an open / nonmonogamous "business arrangement" kind of marriage going forward.

The only one benefiting from the status quo is him. It's destroying you and he's letting that happen. Ask him to leave (go stay somewhere else, friends or family or a hotel) if you need time and space to think. As you're medicated for anxiety and depression, do you have a therapist you can discuss the marriage situation with? And (sorry) if you've been intimate with your husband in the last two years, get checked for STDs if you haven't already.

(Oh, and her being cc'd on correspondence to him from a potential employer makes no sense unless she also works for the company or referred him. How would his potential employer even have their job applicant's former mistress's email address to add accidentally?)

OP, so sorry this is happening to you. Understandably, it sounds like you are frozen and in shock. Look, you've found all the details you could possibly find, he's refusing to help you fill the blanks, or to give you the honesty that yes, you deserve. He won't help you because it's a far better proposition for him to keep you in a bind until he knows what he wants to do next. I am so sorry OP but nothing has changed between him and the OW, she's helped him get his new job, they still talk and see each other. He's not saying that he's done a terrible thing to you and your DCs because to him, the past two years have been the opposite of terrible. He is not your soulmate anymore, he's not even your friend. YOU need to be your own friend here, you need to stop him eating you alive. Exactly what he has done with the OW is irrelevant. He's done enough to you already! Finding out more details won't change a thing. He's become someone who doesn't care if his actions hurt you and only cares about his own pleasure. You can't reach the man you loved and trusted because he's not here. OP, I am sorry, it's a horrible, but you have more than enough information to act in your own best interest. Shake yourself out of this limbo. Don't let him take all the power. Don't accept his choices if they don't suit you, start making your own choices and living your life.
In any case, lawyer up and protect yourself financially (and don't let him know that you're doing this) because he will not be looking out for you.

She is a rep and has contacts where he is applying to work.....he said that the new employer copied her and him into the same email by mistake. There is too much coincidence for me. I was thinking he genuinely wanted a new start and was hoping that we could work through things but the discovery of that email devastated me once again and put me back into limbo land.

She is trying to get him a new job?

No I think she will still be around even if he moves job as she has arranged to meet one of his potential future colleagues. The point is that she is likely still to be visiting him at work even if we move 🥲

What do you want?

You won't get honesty from him.

Dishonesty is working for him as you will stay forever unless he accidentally fucks her while you are watching, as it seems only incontrovertible evidence will make you leave.

Do you think he will stay forever or has an exit plan?

@Helena22 OP I have been where you are now. They have been having sex. U know it, I know it and everyone reading your post does. Finding ‘proof’ will not change anything. You will triumphant for five minutes ‘I knew it’ then you will feel shit again and be back to square one. He will never admit it. Even if u had a video of them in the act. Don’t waste anymore time. Start focusing all your time and energy on your happiness, getting yourself strong and planning your future. Move on

I just want honesty from him. I’m also scared of going it alone and of the family breaking up. But I want to understand why he did it in the way he did. He says he loves me but no one treats someone you love like this.

Suspect he might leave me once our youngest leaves home but I’m not sure. Wanted to believe it was over with the ow but suspect it’s not

Chin up x you’ll be ok. Don’t let him decide what’s happening with the rest of your life though, fuck that. Waiting around until your child leaves home? Then he gets to fuck you over again. No , just no

He's taking you for a mug.....the emotional affair, with all your evidence I dont think there's any doubt he's been sleeping with her, but even if he hasn't surely the declarations of love and gifts, the lying and cheating over 2 years is enough?
His potential new employer cc'd her into an email by mistake....this is really taking the piss and calling you stupid...this would obviously not happen.
It's time for you to get angry and take back control of your life, he's destroyed your marriage, and now your mental health.
You're unlikely to ever get the full truth from him, but it will be impossible to rebuild and try and regain trust if he won't.
If it were me...I'd have chucked him out already...you need to do what's best for you.
Good luck, you sound nice, he sounds like a selfish bastard.

Maybe he is waiting til your youngest leaves? It's also a lot cheaper for him then

You never know, he may stay.
Have stable home but also have fun outside the home.

He may not actually want to start all over again.
A bit of light hearted sex and fantasy love romance may be enough to get him through the day.

Good morning poor poor soul, I hope this cheers you up. 99% of affairs end up in the dumps. The fact she is younger and has two younger kids kids will put a nice nail in the coffin for them. Now lift your head from reading the paper and take a lovely slurp of coffee as you give your cheating husband a radiant smile. This means his hot hot affair will too, come to nothing. Sexual attraction lasts a max of 7 yrs my dear friend. Does he wants this woman’s kids? Hell no. His are about to fly the nest, he wants that much more believe me. We’ve all concluded he’s selfish yes.

So in terms of staying. Well knowing this other is going to come to (delightfully) shit, think about it. Is the income nice? Is the house cosy? Do you need this dweeb to hold you up emotionally? Or can you stay whilst finding enjoyment in life for yourself and kind of live a good life whilst recognising he’s most likely a narc that needed this kick.

We all know why he went for it. It’s clear as day. With dwindling looks he thought this might be the last time he gets a look in. This is so common with men, it’s textbook. Who’s to say meeting someone anew would not bring these and possibly worse set of characteristics your way.

Your happiness is your children friends and family. He’s never going to bring you happiness so work out the best financial deal for yourself and enjoy life regardless. Seriously. Give yourself time without thinking that you must act. He is the one that must act and get his shit in order.

Anyhow big hug and hope you get chirped up.

Oh and you could ask him to deposit 3000 grand into your account since this is what he wasted on his sad little affair and that you want to choose a nice piece of jewellery for yourself this Christmas. It’s a bit of money you get to keep regardless of where this ends up.

And regards your children I am not sure a simple kicking out teaches them much. Rubbish. Marriages are hurdles you battle through the good bad and the ugly. Relationships are passing. Just like the thing he had with her. Is he hurting you? Shouting? Bring an arse? Or can he still be a decent house ghost you can coshare with whilst you both get your shit together?

This.

Why does it matter if he physically cheated or not (although I can tell you now he definitely did)? He spent thousands on another woman, told her he loved her and was celebrating their anniversary. Tell me, is he putting this much effort into trying to make up to you for his betrayal?

You don’t need proof, you have everything you need. He isn’t treating you as he should and he lied to you for two years. He may not respect you but you can still respect yourself and get rid of this loser. Why would you want him to stay after this?

Oh I just thought of something. If he’s a liar and a manipulator he’s most likely a narc. So, even if he has plans with the low life that was happy to share her STIs and receive more herself as she knew her man was sleeping with you too, he’d be waiting for you to end the marriage because to him it would be important to keep the moral high ground. ‘I was willing to work things out but your mother kicked me out.’ Tee hee, I just tweaked this is a very real possibility. Tread carefully. Think of the big picture. All down to having grandkids and them spending time with this lowly creature that quite frankly could kiss your arse in terms of morality.

Tracking each others location is just weird.
Was it some sort of power game? Does she get off on having power over the innocent partner of the man she's having an affair with?

Sorry to be blunt but you need to screw your courage to the sticking place on this. I would bet my house that when you do your anxiety and depression will lift.