Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Emotional affair

163 replies

Helena22 · 08/11/2022 13:53

I found out about my DH's affair back in the summer. My children had been doing GCSEs and A'levels and apparently the affair was going on for 2 years, with a rep at work who had already been in a physical relationship with one of DH's colleagues. Anyway, he has sent many gifts to her with messages of love and these intensified up to when I found out. I confronted him and he's been tearful, remorseful and defensive in equal measure. They were having a lot of contact via Whatsapp, phone and tracked each other's location but I was so trusting I never really guessed or suspected. He even said I would get on well with her when I confronted him! Anyway, some months on and I am medicated for anxiety and depression, he is still at home behaving like nothing has happened and I just don't know what to do. I feel I need evidence to disprove his claims that it was just an emotional relationship, didn't mean anything, was a fantasy etc etc. It took him 2 weeks to end it although I don't know if he actually did and I remain paranoid. I can't go on like this - any advice?

OP posts:
Anotherprobleminmymind · 08/11/2022 15:15

He’s stolen your trust , your marriage and now your health . Don’t let him steal your self respect , let him go to her and start lining again as this is not living and staying together is destroying you . You will find the big romance will probably diminish when you give him the freedom he is after . Hopefully you will find a deserving partner, she’s sounds like she’s using her looks to attract men but this too won’t last forever ! Good luck to you ❤️

BabyGrooverBug · 08/11/2022 15:19

Helena22 · 08/11/2022 15:09

He is adamant they weren't sleeping together but I just don't believe him. He says they never met up but I found receipts for parking at local stately homes and other country parks x 2 and for at least one lunch and evening drinks. He said the parking machines charged him double by mistake (!) and that he went out with colleagues rather than her. He's deleted all their messages and I have no access to his bank account statements or phone bills so will never know. And its the never knowing that is killing me.

You do know.

They definately met, those gifts were not all posted. They almost certainly shagged. Dwelling on that won't help you.

The only question is what you want to do about it and only you know the answer to that. The fact that you're still there makes me think you want to stick with it. Which is a valid choice if that's what you want.

Original poster
Helena22 · 08/11/2022 15:19

She is already in another relationship and has two kids so I am not really sure what she is looking for. I feel shell shocked right now but know I need to make a decision soon for my own sanity. Have been tempted to call her or write to her but I haven't.....

OP posts:
LibrariesGiveUsPower · 08/11/2022 15:20

Helena22 · 08/11/2022 14:45

It just feels to me that there was /is far more to their relationship that he's letting on. He said he was able to talk to her at a time when he was feeling really down but it clearly went beyond that with the flowers, perfume, jewellery and other gifts he was buying her including on their "anniversary". I asked what the anniversary was and he just said the date when they realised how close they had become.....it just doesn't add up - or am I being unreasonable?

That doesn’t add up. If they didn’t sleep together the intention was 1000% there.

if he was willing to admit just how wrong he’d been you could possibly move forward, but he’s still clearly gaslighting you.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 08/11/2022 15:21

Helena22 · 08/11/2022 15:19

She is already in another relationship and has two kids so I am not really sure what she is looking for. I feel shell shocked right now but know I need to make a decision soon for my own sanity. Have been tempted to call her or write to her but I haven't.....

Writing to her won’t help you. You need to make a decision and get on with your life now.

Original poster
Helena22 · 08/11/2022 15:21

Am I being unreasonable wanting to know in detail what happened? I just think I need to understand why, how, when so that I can move on.

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 08/11/2022 15:21

But you do know, don’t you? It’s just that you don’t want to admit it to yourself.

Think of this as if it was a court case. What is the overwhelming evidence? You have messages, receipts, dates . The accused just has some protestations. Even the other party seems to be giving evidence in your favour, given that she is still in pursuit.

Guilty as charged, m’lud; sentence: exiled.

emptythelitterbox · 08/11/2022 15:22

You know he's still lying to you.
And still talking to her.

Is there a reason you have no access to his accounts after 30 years together?

At least see a solicitor and find out your rights.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 08/11/2022 15:22

Seriously stop and think, how many men spend £1000’s on gifts when sex isn’t on the cards?

Facecream · 08/11/2022 15:23

OP

i remember your previous post.
You are a lawyer and he bought her a Tiffany necklace amongst other things ..?

why oh why are you still with him?

Bournetilly · 08/11/2022 15:25

You need to leave him, he is awful and you will never trust him again!

sonicmum2002 · 08/11/2022 15:27

Go to the chumplady.com website - you will find lots of advice on "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life". This is no way for you to live, you deserve much better. Your husband sounds awful.

MarigoldMoonStone · 08/11/2022 15:30

Fuck him, I wouldn't care if they'd never even been in the same room.
A 2 year emotional relationship, spending 1000's on gifts. GET RID OF HIM
And now he is gaslighting you. He is vile.

ExtraOnions · 08/11/2022 15:37

Whatever he says to you, you will always think there is more .. as you don’t trust him.

You either a) forgive him and stop talking about it or b) continue down a path of questioning that doesn’t really have an end.

Are you able to accept that there is no version of this that gives you the answers you need and, and still continue in a relationship with him? If the answer to that it no, you need to end it and move on.

KalaniM · 08/11/2022 15:46

Helena22 · 08/11/2022 15:21

Am I being unreasonable wanting to know in detail what happened? I just think I need to understand why, how, when so that I can move on.

Likely he doesn’t know the “why”. Isn’t it called ‘mid life crisis’? The how and when details, I’m thinking maybe you want to stop feeling excluded, that somehow if he tells you the practicalities you’ll feel more respected, less marginalised. It sounds to me as though he has shame for the fact that he was devious, and he’s hiding his shame , and refusing to share his story. By refusing to share he’s excluding you.

Original poster
Helena22 · 08/11/2022 15:48

Yes he has said he feels embarrassed about it but I just don't think you say you love someone over and over in writing if its just a fantasy

OP posts:
BabyGrooverBug · 08/11/2022 15:51

Helena22 · 08/11/2022 15:48

Yes he has said he feels embarrassed about it but I just don't think you say you love someone over and over in writing if its just a fantasy

You really do say "I love you" if it's just a fantasy.

...but you don't meet, have sex and exchange gifts if it's just a fantasy and they clearly have.

BabyGrooverBug · 08/11/2022 15:54

ExtraOnions · 08/11/2022 15:37

Whatever he says to you, you will always think there is more .. as you don’t trust him.

You either a) forgive him and stop talking about it or b) continue down a path of questioning that doesn’t really have an end.

Are you able to accept that there is no version of this that gives you the answers you need and, and still continue in a relationship with him? If the answer to that it no, you need to end it and move on.

This.

Stay and and put it behind you, or go and put it behind you

There is no "Stay and dwell on it" option - you'll go mad (and so will he.)

Original poster
Helena22 · 08/11/2022 15:56

BabyGrooverBug · 08/11/2022 15:51

You really do say "I love you" if it's just a fantasy.

...but you don't meet, have sex and exchange gifts if it's just a fantasy and they clearly have.

Show quote history

How can you be so sure?

OP posts:
BabyGrooverBug · 08/11/2022 15:58

Helena22 · 08/11/2022 15:56

How can you be so sure?

Show quote history

...because you found the receipts.

Original poster
Helena22 · 08/11/2022 15:58

BabyGrooverBug · 08/11/2022 15:58

...because you found the receipts.

Show quote history

I meant the sleeping together....

OP posts:
QOD · 08/11/2022 16:18

op - should i leave him

everyone - yes

op but should i ...

ExtraJalapenos · 08/11/2022 16:54

I'm failing to understand why you need proof of them having sex?

He had an affair for 2 years! He told her he loved her! He spent thousands on her! It took him 2 weeks to break it off after u found out!

@WTF OP. Take a step back and look at what this man has done. You don't need evidence of him having sex with her. He's already had a relationship for 2 years behind your back. Be an example for your kids, and leave this horrid man.

BabyGrooverBug · 08/11/2022 17:23

Helena22 · 08/11/2022 15:58

I meant the sleeping together....

Show quote history

Well clearly you'll never be certain about that but honestly, what else do you think they were meeting up for?

But it's academic. If you want to walk out nobody could possibly claim you didn't have cause. So if you want to go you can.

Equally if you want to stay that's fine.

What isn't fine is torturing yourself agonizing over the detail of what may have happened. Bad stuff happened. You don't need to sweat the detail of it.

neverbeenskiing · 08/11/2022 17:44

Bad stuff happened. You don't need to sweat the detail of it.

I think sweating the detail is inevitable tbh because it's obvious she's still being lied to. If he'd come out and said they had an affair, they'd been sleeping together for two years then I'd agree with you but because his version of events don't add up, OP wouldn't be human if she didn't wonder what exactly he's been hiding and whether its still going on.