to not move to care for elderly parent

[JusteanBiscuits]

My Mum is aging, and the last few months have shown that, while she doesn't need actual care, her needs are increasing and she needs a lot more support in her life. She is in her late eighties, and the issues are both physical and her mind. My Dad died 20 years ago so she is alone.

I live 2 hours away. I have a sister that also lives 2 hours away in opposite direction to me, and a brother who lives locally. My brother helps out, but isn't able to be particularly supportive, and constantly complains about the support he does offer.

I am closest of them all to Mum, and Mum is very strongly hinting that she wants me to move locally so I can help her out more.

My husband works from home, but rule is he has to live within 2 hours of his office in central London as he has to provide in person fixes a couple of times a month. He wouldn't be able to get to central London within 2 hours so his only option would be to leave a job he really loves and bee in for ten years. His skills are quite specialised, so he wouldn't be able to really find a job that pays similar or offers the same work/life balance as he currently has. He is in his late 50's, he really doesn't want to move jobs and really really doesn't want to retrain.
I also work from home, but can work from anywhere. I have to be in London once every 2 months is all. I do have a small voluntary role that I love but would have to leave as it's not a remote sort of thing. I would also be leaving some lovely, close friends behind.

We have teenagers at high school. They're currently at an excellent school they love. Moving would mean attending a frankly shockingly awful school which is currently in special measures (and has been for 3 years). There is only one high school in the area. Only other option is to somehow find the money to send them to private school.

So, the only option that is worth considering is me moving alone and leaving husband and boys behind. I would have to rent somewhere to live, and while property is much cheaper than where we are now, it would still be very difficult to run two households.

It seems an easy "no, I can't do that". But I am getting increasing pressure from family to step up and do my thing. And it is my fault I moved 2 hours away.

Has anyone done something similar and have it work out?

I don't know if it's been mentioned but ensure you and your brother get power of attorney gor property and finance at least. Not your sister for obvious reasons.

There's a company near us that offers a sort of personal assistant service. It offers lots of services including doing paperwork, taking to appointments, shopping etc. No personal care as such, more practical stuff. Maybe that could be an option?

I understand the sense of obligation but please don't sacrifice your family life 🙏

I agree we need affordable sheltered housing. The private sector has moved in, but it is very expensive.

My mother is in a similar position. Even with my sister and I living close by and popping in n every day we are still buying in care. We started with a cleaner/carer twice a week. Mum was happy to agree on the grounds that they're doing the heavy stuff (hoovering the stairs, changing the sheets etc) but actually they do whatever is needed - remind her to take her tablets, heat something up for lunch, help her with her support stockings etc. We can also book them to take her out for a walk or to the library or whatever else would be useful. It's been a game changer for us - so much better, and mum is really happy because we can spend time with her rather than running around cleaning the whole time . We're now on the waiting list for a lunch slot every week day so that they can come in, make mum's lunch and keep her company while she eats.

And we have been lucky in that the care agency try to give mum the same two or three carers, and they pay slightly above average, so don't seem to have the same high turnover, although they still can't get as many carers as they need .

@antelopevalley

yes it is true that if they have some savings/income they pay a portion of it and the elderly person pays a portion. Dependant on each individual circumstance.

@JusteanBiscuits another thought does your mum have attendance allowance as this would help fund help in her home.

@Feysriana "There is no great solution for end of life care, only a series of bad options. Don’t exhaust yourself looking for a good solution that doesn’t exist."

Thank you for saying this - I'm starting to think about what needs to happen for my DPs - no siblings which might in fact be a blessing based in this thread - there is no great answer, so I need to accept that.

OP, you might look to see if there is anything offered by Retirement Security Ltd in your area. My own view, albeit in sharp contrast to other posters, is that given what you got, service charges were reasonable. The Courts are resident run, so decisions are in line with what residents want.

Check out Home Instead Senior Care

They do fund home care. Up to 4 visits a day depending on savings and for home care yhe bue of the flat isn't counted.

Thinking about it, if your mum has given away a lot of her money to your sister, and lives in a one bed by herself, the best thing to do is to get her assessed by adult social services for her care needs. She may well not have to pay for care upfront if she does not have a certain amount in savings (I want to say £16k but unsure, you need to check). This would be an excellent starting point, also they can pull in other services such as OT for adapted living, handrails etc.

OP try the local Age UK where she lives - depending on their size, they can run an amazing array of services & will know what’s available locally

I know. But normally it is subsidised, not free.

Her giving away money may be seen as deprivation of assets.

What are the service charges currently?

It could be deprivation of assets, but it sounds like the mum has been giving her money away to this sister for a long while, and not necessarily recently. I know people worry about this a lot, but I have filled in the forms and obtained care via this method about three years ago and I don't even remember them asking me anything about this. Could vary, and I'm not saying it never happens, but it may be there's no real deprivation going on anyway.

Just googled. Service charges are £600 to £700 a month for 1.5 hours cleaning a week, reception, access to restaurant, gardening, and a handyman service you can pay for.

A LA would have to show you knew you needed care (e.g. going into a care home) and gave your money away deliberately to avoid paying, it does not sound similar to what the OP's mum has done, older parents are allowed to gift money and assets, as long as it's not to avoid care costs (and they have to prove that's exactly why you did it which it doesn't sound likely here given the OP's mum isn't anticipating going into care or having carers!)

This is useful:

www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/factsheets/fs40_deprivation_of_assets_in_social_care_fcs.pdf

I bet your siblings would stop pushing this on you once they realized that the only realistic way you would be able to take over atm would involve your mum selling her flat to go towards building an extension. That would kill off any inheritance.

Are you insane?
You should not even be thinking about moving. Teenagers need their parents around just as much as toddlers, just in different ways.
You would put huge strain on your marriage and your family would feel rejected.
Tell all these people putting pressure on you to fuck off, why aren't they putting equal pressure on your siblings?

Also do move her in with you - she will in all likelihood struggle with you and your partner working from home and interrupt & distract you. It's also unfair on your kids.

Yes, but as well as that and the normal building maintenance there was a warden 24 hours a day. Very valuable for someone who really could not be left alone. The reception handled all sorts of stuff like sorting out prescriptions or ambulances or flu jabs or food ordering and deliveries. Add in well maintained grounds, various communal/social activities like film nights and Burns nights, and a tea and coffee lounge, and it was money well spent.

It meant that I was able to live two hours away knowing there was someone there to handle things. The alternative for my mother was a home or a carer 24 hours a day, both of which she would have hated. It would also have cost a lot more.

The Court she was in was popular. We had no problems selling, and it more than kept its value.

I can see you disagree but moving my mother there, and she was happy there for her last eight years, was one of the best decisions I ever made.

I was replying to antelope valley.

It depends entirely on assets excluding yhe home. Less than approx £13500 its fully funded.

No you have to pay towards it.

Only continuing healthcare is fully paid and that is very difficult to get.

I am talking about England. It may be different in other countries in the UK.