to not move to care for elderly parent

[JusteanBiscuits]

My Mum is aging, and the last few months have shown that, while she doesn't need actual care, her needs are increasing and she needs a lot more support in her life. She is in her late eighties, and the issues are both physical and her mind. My Dad died 20 years ago so she is alone.

I live 2 hours away. I have a sister that also lives 2 hours away in opposite direction to me, and a brother who lives locally. My brother helps out, but isn't able to be particularly supportive, and constantly complains about the support he does offer.

I am closest of them all to Mum, and Mum is very strongly hinting that she wants me to move locally so I can help her out more.

My husband works from home, but rule is he has to live within 2 hours of his office in central London as he has to provide in person fixes a couple of times a month. He wouldn't be able to get to central London within 2 hours so his only option would be to leave a job he really loves and bee in for ten years. His skills are quite specialised, so he wouldn't be able to really find a job that pays similar or offers the same work/life balance as he currently has. He is in his late 50's, he really doesn't want to move jobs and really really doesn't want to retrain.
I also work from home, but can work from anywhere. I have to be in London once every 2 months is all. I do have a small voluntary role that I love but would have to leave as it's not a remote sort of thing. I would also be leaving some lovely, close friends behind.

We have teenagers at high school. They're currently at an excellent school they love. Moving would mean attending a frankly shockingly awful school which is currently in special measures (and has been for 3 years). There is only one high school in the area. Only other option is to somehow find the money to send them to private school.

So, the only option that is worth considering is me moving alone and leaving husband and boys behind. I would have to rent somewhere to live, and while property is much cheaper than where we are now, it would still be very difficult to run two households.

It seems an easy "no, I can't do that". But I am getting increasing pressure from family to step up and do my thing. And it is my fault I moved 2 hours away.

Has anyone done something similar and have it work out?

There rarely are these days. Most have closed or have had to prioritise the most needy.

I wouldn't move, no. It would be far too disruptive for everyone and your mother might not even live much longer. I would consider moving her to live somewhere closer to you, preferably somewhere like sheltered housing where she would get some support. In the meantime, or instead, I would try to spend more time there. Given you can work from home and have teenaged children and a DH that largely works from home, there is no reason why you couldn't spend a few days with your mum once a month (I'm not sure how much you are seeing her at the moment).

Your mum will have to move into sheltered accommodation. It may not be what she'd choose, but few of us get exactly what we'd choose in life. Do not move to be nearer her. You can't disrupt the lives of four people for the sake of one person who HAS got other options.

Or she moves into a nice little bungalow or ground floor flat near you so that you and the kids can pop round regularly, if she isn't ready to move into sheltered accommodation just yet.

Then there is not much hands on hemp you can provide - that's your mums choice about her life. Her choices do not back you into a corner to disrupt and sacrifice your and your childrens lives!!!

Ignore the "sibling" pressure. It won't affect you if you keep saying "No that's not possible we cannot move... "

Many families move away to start lives in different areas, where jobs are. Don't apologise for that! At least you're in the same country!

Btw my parents are moving areas (now in their 80s) to be near me! They wouldn't even consider asking me to uproot my DCs lives nor my job and they respect my decisions I made for my life and my family .

Whilst you're wavering, she has no incentive to accept sheltered accommodation. Be firm. When faced with the reality of coping on her own, she may think differently.

But what Mum 'wants' and what she can have are not the same here, are they? She will need to compromise - not you.

Sheltered accommodation really does not offer anything extra for most people. It is useful for isolated elderly people as there are often social activities.

In her shoes, I too would reject sheltered accommodation because I know the realities. I think many people here are operating from myths.

If she needs more help a carer 1 hour a day as already suggested would be of more use to her.

I moved up country with my husband in my early forties to be right next to my parents. My Dad was terminally ill and paralysed. He eventually died and then my mother started to have problems with sight and is now confused and can't drive anymore, so we will be here for the rest of her life. I have no kids and I'm not sorry I did it because I adore my parents, but I have to tell you that my career is dead. I came here young and am now post-menopausal and look and feel old and worn out. I am self -employed because no-one would employ me. I have lost a huge chunk of my life and so has my husband.

Please don't move yourself to be nearer to her and leave your family behind!

Please also note that as mothers get very old they can often talk to, and treat you like you are still a teenager and not take you seriously. This is very wearing indeed, and it is often far better to employ a non-family member to pop in on your Mum every day and help her out where needed. My advice would be to tackle each problem as it arises. You really can't plan ahead as you don't know how she will age and it looks like she has no money to prepare in any case.

OP, it is possible to offer great support from a distance. My dad is older and has a disability. He lives alone and we are 50 miles away. He has great local support (good friends etc), carers twice a day and then I do a round-trip once a week to do shopping, meds, any little jobs etc. He doesn't want to leave the family home and moving is impractical for me (for many of the reasons you mention).

Alas, there can be an expectation on the daughters in the family but the reality is, her son is there to help too. You can beef up that support with carers (if needed), more frequent visits (could you commit to twice a month or something like that) and install some good technology like an Alexa or video chat.

My dad's whole world changed with a bit of tech. He sends me voice memos and texts on Alexa and we video call on FaceTime most days. He's also now figured out how to order himself treats via Amazon and Alexa. 😂 He has good friends and although he doesn't get out much, he's got great combined care and is very content. It's possible!

Have you done some research about sheltered housing like availability, cost, services provided near your DM & where you live ?

If your DM retired 20+ years ago she may have forgotten
what it's like to run a marriage household, children, job etc

I would start by getting POA sorted out. Because if you struggle to sort this out, it doesn't bode well for sorting out all the other things that need sorting !

As I said earlier, the key is to ask your DM exactly what she wants ?

She may not get exactly what she wants, because there may need to be some compromise

It is also OK, for you to say NO to some requests

This is a really difficult one for most families. I find that MN have a very strong view that care for elderly parents should only happen if a person wants to provide the care and therefore no gratitude to that person is required. Otherwise, the elderly person should move into a care home. This isn't realistic. Families support each other and give even when it's hard. I do feel that care for elderly relative is a part of life that we need to accept and provide where possible, even when it's inconvenient. Having said that, you clearly can't move your entire family right now. The consequences would be huge. I think that you need to sit down with your family, break down the tasks and decide who can support with what and how. Consider how local council and government services fit into the picture and use every service possibly available. You can do a lot remotely and could make the 2 hour trip pretty regularly - probably every week or two weeks. You could book doctors appointments for her, do her phone calls (potentially with a power or attorney in place) to sort out pension issues, bill issues and bank issues, organise her scripts and delivery of medication, put meals on wheels in place (if needed), arrange for work on the house to be done and do Facetime calls with her every few days to offer social support. If she's willing then she could also put part of her pension and in a new bank account and give you access. You could use that to pay for and arrange things that she might need such as a weekly cleaner. There is a LOT that you can do remotely. You REALLY need to sit down as a family and work out how you can all provide real, meaningful help without anyone moving. As an aside, caring for an elderly relative is very, very hard. Your brother is currently bearing the brunt of this. You've spoken about your feelings and your families feelings but not shown much sign of considering your brother's feelings or how much this must weight on him. Please reconsider how you speak of him and the burden on him. He is doing it all and if you and your sister don't want to and don't think you should have to, then why are you happy for it to fall on him by default? Sit down and work out how you can help so he doesn't fell resentful and stuck with everything. If you can't fully support your mother then you can support the primary carer and you need to take that responsibility serious and appreciate his efforts.

You can’t leave your teenagers for this. Your brother is local and so helps out. Any other day to day help will have to be out sourced. Can she afford to pay for a cleaner? Could you do an online shop for her and get it sent to her house weekly? I would get things like this in place if they aren’t already.

Does anyone have power of attorney? If not I’d be thinking about that. you can probably help with paying bills and taking over managing from direct debits from a distance. Hopefully that will be enough help for her to manage for now. If she needs more in the future it would be worth getting a good micro provider in who will get to know her and will be a real support as both you and your sister are a distance away and your brothers a bit useless.

certainly don’t massively uproot your lives and move your kids at the age they are now.

As well as arranging for someone to visit, there are loads of things you can do remotely.

My sister lived five mins away from DM, I'm a couple of hours away. We set up joint & several POA with an informal agreement for DSis to do welfare while I did property & wealth matters.

I set up online accounts for anything that needed paying, with a new email address this is easy enough. You usually need to collect the initial confirmation from their home but otherwise can do it all remotely, including online banking, esp selecting 'no printed statements'.

DM was much happier when not confronted with what seemed to her a steady stream of bills.

DSis could refer any bills to me and I could be sure I was being useful even though not able to visit as after as DSis.

This makes my blood boil. There are 3 of you, therefore any needs she has are divided equally by 3. Make a list and divvy it up. It could be that every 3 weeks someone stays with her for a bit, or goes and cleans and shops for her and take her to appointments.

There is NO WAY I would sacrifice my life with my DH and DC for my parent, and they wouldn't expect it of me because they are not selfish. What are you going to do when your mother passes away and you find you no longer have a relationship with your DC, and your DH has a new partner?

By the way, would having her live with you in your house be an option?

You can get added as a 3rd party to a bank account without POA but the account holder has to give permission. It would involve an appointment at a branch but it's worth looking into if there is no POA as the current timescale for registering a POA is 5 months. That will enable remote bill paying etc which might help.

It is far from easy as parents get older. Of course you shouldn't move your whole family take away your children's security and lose good jobs with no guarantee of getting other jobs.
It is also difficult for your brother. There is no just 'popping in' for local siblings and those who think that it's easy to manage if living locally usually having tried it. My brother thinks I can pop in and be home in half an hour when I take DM to doctor's appointments. The reality is a whole morning or afternoon by the time you get to their house, manage them slowly into the car, drive there, allowing extra time to get them out, do appointment, slowly to car, home again and get them settled with a cup of tea. Multiply this by 3 times a week, plus shopping, some washing and lunch at mine every week. That's the basics but there is more. I love DM and do my best to but do get irritated when dB thinks it is easy for it all to fall on me be ecause it would take him quarter of an hour more to get there. For locals it's not just how long getting there takes, it's the time and effort once you are there on an everyday basis.
So .. how can you give him and DM support without the drastic, unrealistic step of moving?
The shopping delivered is a good idea but find out from dB what day/time is best if he will have to go around to sort it
If DM can't afford a cleaner and if you are time poor but could afford to get one for her could you offer to pay for this?
If she is not getting Attendance allowance that could pay for cleaner or other things. Could you offer to look into it/ do the forms to apply for this? Age concern would help with this. If you are refused do appeal. My mother...aged 91 was refused but age concern said we had to appeal because of her personal needs and she got it.
Could you and sister take over while he goes on holiday? Stay at that time. Maybe a fortnight a year planned in advance or two separate weeks. This would be invaluable and also give you an idea of what he has to do while spending some time with DM.
Above all please show him that you understand how difficult it is to be the one on first call all week every week. I cope a lot better when dB acknowledges how tying it can be than when he tries, probably defensively to negate how much time it all takes
These are just a few ideas. Don't know how helpful they are. I know how difficult it is regardless of whether you are on the spot or not. 💐

Maybe contact social services for an assessment for her. They would rather she could remain in her own home than go into supported housing as long as possible. But she obviously needs support to do that. Just to do a few things in the house a couple of times a week and take her out to do a bit of shopping appointments etc. Or if she's able to do that alone. Social services arrange transport for her paid for her. Some drivers do it voluntarily.

Is your brother doing that now?

There are so many ways you can help from a distance. As well as online shopping, you could look at all the various types of assistive technology, like sensors, and alarms etc. I've put the Alzheimer's Society link here but there are many more:

www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/staying-independent/what-assistive-technology#content-start

Is you mum in touch with any local befriending or neighbourhood care organisations? I was thinking that she might enjoy going somewhere with a volunteer - especially a volunteer driver. Volunteers have to have enhanced disclosure and barring checks (DBS) which means they have been vetted for their suitability.

When you set up online shopping, you could see if they have a priority customer scheme so that, e.g. there was a spell of bad weather, she would be a priority for deliveries.

The other thing that is worth doing is thinking about long term options like lasting power of attorney for if your mum begins to find it hard to manage her money in the future. Age UK have lots of advice about that sort of thing.

There may come a time when your mum thinks about moving to sheltered accommodation or extra care housing near you or you stay there but this is something to think about for the future. You can give your mum excellent support from a distance.

Also you can get carers card if anyone is doing shopping. Even if there's an on line shop your DB is probably topping up bread and milk etc in between.

Ocado do M&S online. Your Mum has got to make some compromises. You say your brother has done the bulk of caring, but now she wants someone else to it? She sounds extremely demanding.