to not move to care for elderly parent

[JusteanBiscuits]

My Mum is aging, and the last few months have shown that, while she doesn't need actual care, her needs are increasing and she needs a lot more support in her life. She is in her late eighties, and the issues are both physical and her mind. My Dad died 20 years ago so she is alone.

I live 2 hours away. I have a sister that also lives 2 hours away in opposite direction to me, and a brother who lives locally. My brother helps out, but isn't able to be particularly supportive, and constantly complains about the support he does offer.

I am closest of them all to Mum, and Mum is very strongly hinting that she wants me to move locally so I can help her out more.

My husband works from home, but rule is he has to live within 2 hours of his office in central London as he has to provide in person fixes a couple of times a month. He wouldn't be able to get to central London within 2 hours so his only option would be to leave a job he really loves and bee in for ten years. His skills are quite specialised, so he wouldn't be able to really find a job that pays similar or offers the same work/life balance as he currently has. He is in his late 50's, he really doesn't want to move jobs and really really doesn't want to retrain.
I also work from home, but can work from anywhere. I have to be in London once every 2 months is all. I do have a small voluntary role that I love but would have to leave as it's not a remote sort of thing. I would also be leaving some lovely, close friends behind.

We have teenagers at high school. They're currently at an excellent school they love. Moving would mean attending a frankly shockingly awful school which is currently in special measures (and has been for 3 years). There is only one high school in the area. Only other option is to somehow find the money to send them to private school.

So, the only option that is worth considering is me moving alone and leaving husband and boys behind. I would have to rent somewhere to live, and while property is much cheaper than where we are now, it would still be very difficult to run two households.

It seems an easy "no, I can't do that". But I am getting increasing pressure from family to step up and do my thing. And it is my fault I moved 2 hours away.

Has anyone done something similar and have it work out?

@TippermostToppermostHigh She already answered that a long time ago in her replies on this thread. No because of stairs and toilet access.

Sorry I clicked the unreasonable button - It doesn’t sound like moving up to her is an option quite honestly.

Stable employment must come first unfortunately (particularly in this unstable economic climate) so your whole family can’t move up due to your DH’s job, and you can’t leave your family and move by yourself, that doesn’t make any sense.

If your mum needs help the onus is on her to change her lifestyle to get it - whether that’s moving down to where you are (could she rent if she can’t afford to buy? Could she fit in your house? Could you build an outdoor granny annex-come-office?).

If it’s not a good idea to uproot her from her friends then sheltered accommodation or other paid-for care is the only option.

Could you stay at your mom's a couple of nights a week (on a sofa bed)

@Northby You can undo a wrong vote by clicking on the one you meant, it cancels out the wrong one.

What the fuck have I just read op. If course you cannot do this.bloody he'll iv e read some uncaring and unreasonable posts about helping out parents.this isn't one.
I'm all for desperately wanting to do anything for mine.i suspect I will be the putter onner,partly my own doing though. But there are levels. And what you'd have to sacrifice is NOT on.youd be giving up your life luv! Please don't do that to yourself.
So can she get carers in.
Is there local charities.hospital drivers.befriended service?
Talk to bro.negotatiate what he can do and how he can help set up what s next so he's not doing it all.being local you might have to ask him to stick with it so he can help sort the brunt of the help.he will be better equipt for this simply being in her area.but then he WILL getti step back.
Meal delivery.you can get fresh bug also parsley box doesn't need refrigeration.
Food shop delivery
Prescription delivery.
Ring doorbell.it can be set up to your device so you can see it.and u could get an add on which could go indoors.this means she can be kept extra safe as you can dial into the flat via camera if u needed to. We had this with dementia gran.saved us alot of pain.and hassle when she was phoning saying there was a man with daffodils sat at the end of her bed!
Could you organise visits.so in her calendar will be dd coming this day.and make it a time when you can sort certain things.
Could she stay with you for a night every now and then? If not no worries!
If she is vulnerable and in need of care yet little adaption can be possible.
But you CANNOT move.you need to tell her this very very nicely but very very firmly.no softly words, she needs to get it,no soace for her to interpret. Just no.
Oh set up FaceTime.its been a marvel for us and g-pa.and he's brill at it for a man that can NOT do digital.
It's lovely you were eve thinking it though.

Of course you shouldn’t uproot your life.

Your mother has an option to move into sheltered accommodation. She’s being selfish by refusing

No, you don't in effect leave your family to care for your dm.

What you do is the 3 of you share the workload, take turns to time off as needed for appointments etc. Get a home care assessment done so she can at least have someone popping in once a day if needed for help with meals etc. This can then be increased if she becomes more frail which sadly is inevitable.

Don't leave it until she falls, has a hospital admission and then there's nothing set up at home.

If mum refuses carers or a cleaner they can't do anything. People always say it like it doesn't need the consent of the person being cared for and sometimes they won't give that until there has been a crisis.

It makes me wonder when I read posts saying to ignore sibling pressure.
What you are really saying is to walk away and leave sibling to deal with it.
How is that fair?
Sibling living locally is not popping in for a few mins each time. They are left to do the bulk of the work and are going to be peeved as much as the sibling who has been asked to move closer is peeved.

Neither want the mother to be their main responsibility. Right now the brother has no choice but in much the sane way that people are telling the OP not to move, perhaps they should encourage the brother not to visit regularly be that weekly or monthly.

The OP never had any intention of moving. Neither has she any intention of having the mother live with her.

The siblings need to be honest with each other and say as neither of them want to be the main person looking after the mother, they need to put other measures in place and sort the financial side of things.

Then inform the mother of their decisions. The mother either accepts or she doesn’t. If she does then great. If she doesn’t then they compromise.

Absolutely no way should you move house and disrupt your sons and DH's lives as well as your own. This is misogyny that women are expected to sacrifice for others. You can bet you wouldn't be under this pressure if you were male (is your sister under equal pressure?)

Whatever help your mum needs should be bought in and paid for - with the cost coming out of the eventual estate when the time comes. I wonder to what extent it is avoiding this erosion of the estate that is prompting this pressure on you, as if you can do what is needed for "free" (albeit at the cost of the wellbeing of your whole family) then there will be more to inherit.

I'm amazed that some posters think that sheltered housing is the answer and a unit is standing empty waiting for op's mum to give in and move! My mil waited years for a local one and died still waiting.

Tugboat, if the mother has a flat she can sell she can buy an age restricted apartment. They are often cheaper.

@Needmoresleep These often have high service charges. A local carer is better unless she needs more company.

This.

I don’t see why 4 people’s lives need to be totally uprooted and changed for 1 person. If she doesn’t want to move and can’t afford it, then that’s on her. It’s all consequences at the end of the day

I’m probably going to have to have this conversation with my mum in a few years and will be saying similar things

@EL8888 I do not think the OP should move. But your comment is so harsh. OPs mother can't afford to move to where her daughter lives son that is simply consequences? Hard shit? I would not have had that attitude to my mum who also could not afford to move to where I used to live.

@antelopevalley but mum said she doesn’t want to move. She’s downsized a few times spending her equity to support the OP’s sister. Both of those things are consequences?

I don't think you should be considering uprooting yourself at all, it's madness, for all the reasons previous posters have suggested!

Things like shopping and cleaning can be outsourced and she is going to have to accept help from others outside the house (I realise it's not easy to get them to do so)

But it is. She needs to accept bought in help or do without accepting that her daughter isn't going to uproot her entire family and destroy her husbands career. She has that choice and what consequences of that choice is up to her to accept or she needs to compromise.
I've been through this with ILs . FIL would have been quite happy for one of his DC to leave their job and family and sleep on an airbed (no spare bedroom, no sofa due to need for space to move wheelchair ) in the living room to look after them. Took some convincing it wasn't going to happen.

@antelopevalley, The service charges will be more than a normal flat, but my experience was that it was money well spent.

My mum got a 24 hour warden, a reception on from 6.00am to 10pm. cleaning, gardening, laundry (extra) a coffee lounge and the availability of a "restaurant" which meant she had a three course cooked lunch each day. Then company.

It was still way cheaper than a care home. My mother retained her dignity and Independence. For me the fact that there was someone who took the first phone call and dealt with the crisis was worth a tremendous amount. No dashing down the motorway. The reception did a discrete check each morning of people they had not seen, and my mother had emergency pull cords in each room. When my mother was ill they organised the doctor or ambulance. All I had to do was ask about visiting hours.

Its like everything some are good some are bad. Very sheltered housing was perfect for my mother and a life saver for me.

Uprooting 4 people to look after 1 old person is obviously ridiculous. When you say 'family' are hinting at you to 'step up' who's doing the hinting and what are they suggesting?

There's sheltered housing and "sheltered" housing. A lot of developments don't have a 24 hour warden, often it's 9-5.
And the flats are often hard to sell on a friends mum had to move into a home after a couple of years in a sheltered flat as she then needed a high level of care, self funded because she owned the flat. It took 3 years and a lot of stress to sell during which time the service charge was still payable and it sold for less than the purchase price in a reasonably strong property market. Potential buyers dropped out because they died/ had a health crisis. Much better to rent a place if you can but in my mum's area the waiting list is over 2 years.

My area, 1 bedroom normal flat £150k, over 55's flat £200k plus monthly charges. Sometimes it's not that easy! Also once the resident's needs worsen and they need a care home (or die) selling is not always simple and you have to carry on paying the monthly charges until sold. Personally I wouldn't recommend that route.

Crossed posts! Once bitten etc

There's a new development not far from us that looks to have great facilities but flats are from £300k!). My mum's 2 bed bungalow in a cheaper area wouldn't even buy a 1 bed flat here

They may be cheaper but have very high service charges and most importantly do not hold their value the way other housing options do.