To stop seeing this friend and not tell her why?

[Lolabear38]

I’ve been friends with the mum of a friend of my kids for around 2 years. She is awful for making plans and cancelling at the last minute, plans she has organised herself and also plans I, or others have made too. I’ve been avoiding making plans with just her/ her kids for a while now because she cancels so often. I only really see her if others are coming too so I know we won’t be let down at the last minute. Full disclosure, she doesn’t always cancel but she does a lot. My son is pretty much best friends with her son and our daughters also get on really well.

Last weekend we had agreed to go to a theatre show. Against my better judgement, just us and them. I was worried all week about her cancelling so I actually messaged her and said that my sister and her kids really wanted to go to the show but didn’t get tickets so if for any reason she thought she wouldn’t make it, let me know and I would offer the tickets to my sister instead.

The day came with no word from her so I figured we were good to go only for her to message 25 minutes before the show started, when me and my kids were already at the theatre, to say she wasn’t coming as she was feeling sick.

Now, I don’t actually know if she was sick or not, she may have been in which case of course she shouldn’t have come. The problem is she has flaked out SO MANY times before that I just don’t believe her and I don’t really have time for flaky people in mine or my kids lives (my kids enjoyed the show but we’re disappointed not to be spending the day with their friends as they thought they would be).

I’ve decided not to see this friend any more because she’s let me down so many times in the past, but we are part of a wider group of friends who I still want to see etc so I don’t want to fall out with this woman. I’ve not messaged her but I’ve replied to any of her messages politely, but briefly. Now she’s messaged me asking what’s wrong - I don’t want to ignore it but I don’t want to cause awkwardness in the group by just coming out and telling her that I don’t want to be close friends with her any more because of her behaviour. AIBU to just not tell her and just let things cool off on their own?

(our kids would still see each other at school and I would do kids only play dates, just not see the mum/ do things together on weekends etc).

You've overthinking it. You can be polite and just not commit to any other suggestions she makes. She'll soon stop asking.

So your answer to someone you perceive as being rude (by cancelling) is to be rude back? Get a grip, just speak to her openly, like an adult. Explain your issue and go from there. Not really that hard to understand.

I meant that they are right that it is a possibility which should be kept in mind. But there are other flakey and rude people who are absolutely neurotypical, they are just flakey and rude.

We don't know the OP's friend like she does, she will have a better idea what category of flakiness she falls into.

Personally I don't see not lack of contact as being rude.

But yes, on the whole, I think that people reap what they sow and don't deserve consideration from people they treat poorly.

i would say something like "I'm fine. I hope you are feeling better and that Ben and Anna were not too disappointed to miss out (Joe and Ella were really disappointed not to see them, but I guess at least they got to see the show!)"

I dont think i could bring myself to be more confrontational just in case she was genuinely properly ill this time, but equally would want to make the point that my DC were disappointed. I might also add "And DSis was disappointed that, if illness had to strike, it did not strike in time for her to get the tickets!!" Maybe a bit PA though.

Going forward, i would not arrange anything just with her, but would be happy to see her in a group context, including group get-togethers organised by me. If she invited me to something just with her/her and her DCs, i would assume she might well cancel at the last minute, and either say yes or no depending how it would impact me and my DC if she did not show (and if I said yes to anything I would not tell the DC about the plan until the last minute). if i ended up saying no on several occasions and she questioned me on it i would tell her why.

I have a flaky friend and now only see her in a group or a last minute arrangement. So if I happened to be free on a Sunday afternoon, i might contact her on the Saturday evening or the Sunday morning to see if she was free. I have found that if she says yes to a last minute invite she does turn up. We still see each other as much as we ever did, but the arrangements are different. She had not spotted the change until i told her one time when she was complaining about another friend who said she was flaky. I said " Well you are, that is why i now only arrange to see you with others or for last minute plan!" Once I pointed it out to her, she thought it was quite a neat solution on her side too as it took the pressure off her.

I have to say I agree with this. There is honestly no need to waste any more energy on people like this. She's not the ops responsibility. I'd be very surprised if the flakey friend doesn't know what she has done wrong already, so in reality it is she who sounds like the passive aggressive one. Boring and exhausting.

No, they are not right and are spreading misinformation about a medically diagnosed condition.

Beyond some incapacitating event, or death, there is not a single excuse good enough to cancel with 25 minutes notice. So bloody rude. I would be civil for the sake of the children but that would be any semblance of ‘friendship’ over for me. Life is too short for selfish dickheads like that.

Personally I think you should tell her the issue. Maybe she doesn't realise how her actions have affected you. You should at least give her the chance to apologise and understand why you're distancing yourself. It's hard to do, but imagine a friend of yours started distancing and you didn't know why.

Sounds like she may have anxiety. She may be thinking about your plans for weeks and thinking she can handle it and then last moment realises she can’t. Doesn’t make it easier on you though.

If you say something then she could tell the group how unsupportive you are and you end up with no friends.

ghosting is not ok though as it’s mean.

it’s tricky but ask her why she keeps cancelling and is there something she needs help with. Maybe all the kids had a a meltdown and she couldn’t get them in car. Maybe she suffers from anxiety and thought of being in theatre was too much.
some people have bladder or bowel issues and avoid stuff where they are worried about finding a toilet quick enough.

YANBU to end the friendship but YABU and as bad as her, if you don’t tell her what’s bothering you. Or you were to lie and say “Oh nothing’s wrong, just tired” that is honestly even worse than her behaviour and is incredibly immature

YANBU. I wouldn’t want to spend time with someone so flaky. Just because the kids are best friends doesn’t mean that you and she have to be. If you haven’t raised your disappointment with her she may be having a moment of self reflection and feeling guilty about her poor behaviour. Find the middle way. Don’t ignore her or leave her out of plans but don’t make special plans for just for her/ with her if she’s unreliable.

I don’t know if she has a clinical diagnosis for anything, or if there is anything going on in her life that I’m not party to that is contributing to her behaviour. There is certainly nothing about her or her lifestyle that would suggest there is but obviously that doesn’t mean there isn’t something going on.

Just basing it on what I do know about her, what I’ve seen of her behaviour towards me and others (her flakiness) I think it is just that - being flakey. It’s happened enough times now that I have no desire to make any effort to maintain the friendship beyond seeing her as part of the wider group.

I was interested to see if IABU in thinking that but the general consensus seems to be no so I’ll carry on as I have been and see how it pans out I think. Thanks everyone.

I don't see why you can't carry on being friends with this woman, but just avoid making any plans with her.

You can still message and text and organise things for the kids.

But if she suggests going somewhere, just always decline.

You can be friends with someone you don't meet up with.

@Lolabear38 Good update, hope it all goes well and no drama.

I think this is a perfect response. I don’t agree with the other posters by pretending to her that something isn’t wrong.

if she’d have taken your hint/message about quietly withdrawing then I agree there was no need to announce it. But she’s asked you a direct question so rather than lie I’d just be honest.

Some people don’t even realise they’re doing it.

I agree that this doesn’t need to be a drama. Be pleasant etc but don’t make any more social arrangements with her. If you can, tell
her that you’ve become a bit frustrated with cancellations. She probably does need to realise this.

I see where you’re coming from, but part of me thinks that I don’t actually want to be friends with someone who has such little regard for others that she frequently cancels plans at the last minute and doesn’t seem to think that much of it. I think it’s rude and disrespectful which aren’t attributes that make a good friendship. I’m happy to be friendly in a bigger group and see her in that context but I’m taking a step back from anything more than that.

Same reason why I voted YABU.

I don’t understand why you just can’t be honest. It doesn’t need to have to be a blazing row. But she has asked you a question and you are now just avoiding the issue 🙄

Yes, there could be a reason she repeatedly cancels at the last minute but really, is it your mission to risk the discomfort / drama in trying to find out in order to help her. It’s not always necessary to question in a directly honest way for the sake of it. She isn’t an old friend who has suddenly changed and who you are deeply concerned about. It is a developing friendship and maybe seeing her in the mum group is enough for you anyway as long as the DC can remain friends.
So I would reply cheerily, - something along the lines of ….
Sorry, I’ve been really busy lately but how about a play date for the boys at mine on Thursday. Let me know if that works for you and I’ll make their favourite for tea.
If she wants to explain her flakiness she can when she picks up. . Otherwise take it that she isn’t that bothered about arrangements other than play dates and quietly let it go. To me, it’s normal to adjust mum group friendships according to need without the need for uncomfortable talks. No need to question her motives now you know what she’s like, as long as the children are happy.

Just because we’ll still see each other as part of the group and I want to avoid her potentially taking it badly (I don’t know if she will or won’t) and it affecting the dynamic of the group. If it was just us I would say something but the ripple effect could potentially cause a lot of awkwardness in an otherwise nice group that I enjoy being a part of.

Demote

She was a friend (although not much of one given how she acts) now she is "X's mum" so an aquaintance you see during group events. Once you have that nailed down, it will bother you less.

I suspect that you will not be the first person who she has pissed off like this but no one has actually told her why, so she is probably quite confused about why she keeps getting dropped/ghosted. Personally I would tell her why, she cant consider change if she doesnt know her behaviour is a problem to others. If you dont want to do it now then the day to do it is the day they break up from Primary school as they will all have new best friends within the first half term so it wont matter as your "mum friends" group will natually fall by the wayside then too.

I feel sorry for her kids, you follow through on your plans and your kids just have the disappointment of not seeing their friends, her kids didnt get anything.

So ignoring her isn’t going to be awkward? Because as much as you’re going to ‘play nice’ in group situations you are still ignoring her. It does come across as a little childish. If she hadn’t asked you then fair enough, but she asked you directly if something is wrong and now you’re being avoidant.

My opinion is that it’s the lesser of two awkward situations. I’ll back off the friendship a bit, reply politely to any messages she sends (but yes, perhaps avoid the direct question of what’s wrong or brush it off). Alternatively talk to her about it explicitly and potentially risk upsetting the balance of the wider group friendship.

Is it ideal? Absolutely not, no. But I don’t think it’s childish either. She’s been disrespectful towards me, my kids and others and I don’t want to give any more energy to it. It’s not the nicest behaviour but it’s absolutely no worse than she’s shown me and I can live with it.