To stop seeing this friend and not tell her why?

[Lolabear38]

I’ve been friends with the mum of a friend of my kids for around 2 years. She is awful for making plans and cancelling at the last minute, plans she has organised herself and also plans I, or others have made too. I’ve been avoiding making plans with just her/ her kids for a while now because she cancels so often. I only really see her if others are coming too so I know we won’t be let down at the last minute. Full disclosure, she doesn’t always cancel but she does a lot. My son is pretty much best friends with her son and our daughters also get on really well.

Last weekend we had agreed to go to a theatre show. Against my better judgement, just us and them. I was worried all week about her cancelling so I actually messaged her and said that my sister and her kids really wanted to go to the show but didn’t get tickets so if for any reason she thought she wouldn’t make it, let me know and I would offer the tickets to my sister instead.

The day came with no word from her so I figured we were good to go only for her to message 25 minutes before the show started, when me and my kids were already at the theatre, to say she wasn’t coming as she was feeling sick.

Now, I don’t actually know if she was sick or not, she may have been in which case of course she shouldn’t have come. The problem is she has flaked out SO MANY times before that I just don’t believe her and I don’t really have time for flaky people in mine or my kids lives (my kids enjoyed the show but we’re disappointed not to be spending the day with their friends as they thought they would be).

I’ve decided not to see this friend any more because she’s let me down so many times in the past, but we are part of a wider group of friends who I still want to see etc so I don’t want to fall out with this woman. I’ve not messaged her but I’ve replied to any of her messages politely, but briefly. Now she’s messaged me asking what’s wrong - I don’t want to ignore it but I don’t want to cause awkwardness in the group by just coming out and telling her that I don’t want to be close friends with her any more because of her behaviour. AIBU to just not tell her and just let things cool off on their own?

(our kids would still see each other at school and I would do kids only play dates, just not see the mum/ do things together on weekends etc).

I get the frustraition.

Im the type of person that shows up an hour early to make sure Im not late, my friends are all the kind that text half an hour late that they are 'just leaving the house' even though they are sat in their PJs in zero rush (height of bad manners in my opinion).

Also I ALWAYS travel to them, they never travel to me and moan if they have to go anywhere, this works out as they dont have to be ready though so I go to their house when Im ready instead of sitting in a cafe for 2 hours like a prize lemon waiting.

All my friends (3 different groups who dont know each other) are like this which is the opposit of how I am, either my views of being on time and leaving your house is super wierd and everyones like that or opposits just attract in friendships.

Oh and I have known loads of flaky people, they never ever unflake. If you point it out, she will just think you're being mean, and it won't make any difference to how she behaves.

Yeah I agree. She'll probably just say she couldn't help being ill. You'll get drawn into a discussion of it all whether you like it or not. A certain % of MN always say be upfront and honest but sometimes it isn't the wisest decision if you don't want all the crap that may come back to you. I'd reply nothing was wrong, I'm just busy and quietly distance myself.

I would be my usual nice, polite and friendly self with her but avoid making any plans with her to meet up. There’s no need to cut her off or fall out, just ever make plans with her again: if she tries to make plans with you in the future just laugh and say not a chance, you’re a nightmare! Love you to bits, but when it comes to making plans it’s not happening! She can’t really say any thing, she’s the one who has caused the problem.

Difficult as she is asking you directly if there is a problem. I think I'd pretend there was no issue and then ask 6 times ahead of the next planned meet up if she could foresee any reason she might have to cancel. If you suddenly seem obsessed with her potentially cancelling then surely that will give her a prod.

Can you point out which part of@RockAndRollerskate 's suggested message was cruel?

I think the fact that she is asking you what's wrong when she bloody knows very well what's wrong mean she is going to behave very badly.

I'd play her at her own game and just be too busy to make any solo plans with her.

She knows what is wrong. I would not spell it out as it will be more stress for you and it was stressful enough her cancelling on you. Just don't make future plans with her alone.

Last weekend we had agreed to go to a theatre show. Against my better judgement, just us and them. I was worried all week about her cancelling so I actually messaged her and said that my sister and her kids really wanted to go to the show but didn’t get tickets so if for any reason she thought she wouldn’t make it, let me know and I would offer the tickets to my sister instead.

Did she pay for those tickets, or did you? If you bought tickets on behalf of someone who is so seriously flaky you've already dialled back on inviting her out without everyone else, then that was quite foolish of you. She has form! I would have asked her for the money for the tickets asap or not got any on her behalf, plus I would have had sister on standby to come along in anticipation of her pulling a stunt like this. I would still ask her to repay me for the tickets that she didn't bother to use, why should you be out of pocket?

In future, only see her with everyone else, don't invite her and her family to anything. Since she wants to know why, tell her you're annoyed with her continually cancelling last minute and you're tired of being treated so badly.

Maybe she hasn't thought how her behaviour is experienced by other people, maybe she doesn't care. Maybe she does know but feels she can't help it. In which case, she should stop accepting invitations! It's not rocket science.

Fgs don't confront her at all.

This is mainly your child's friendship not yours. Your son I am assuming wants to remain on good terms with his friend and if you confront the mother, for sure you will damage your child's friendship. There is more to this than just your wounded pride op.

You know she has form for flaking, so why on earth did you tell your dc they were coming? Surely much better to have been a surprise at the show?
So you didn't manage the situation well for your child.
Secondly you have no real idea why she can't come. She could have anxiety or health problems that she can't talk about, she might genuinely be regularly ill. It does not mean her intention to see you is not there.

You did the right thing by changing the meet ups to groups only. Go back to that, know that she can't be relied on (for whatever reason) and put your child first. She may not be a great to you, but I wouldn't want to ruin things for the children. Just put boundaries around meeting her.

I know you’ve had lots of responses but just to pitch in that I have a friend like this and it was a theatre show that ironically pushed me over the edge too!

After putting up with flakiness for years and years and sucking it up she was a no-show at a theatre show I’d booked and I was absolutely livid as I had another friend who was desperate to join and would have happily taken the ticket had I known in advance. I’m not a confrontational person but I was so annoyed that I sent her a really angry text and she responded the next day with a really poor excuse. She’d clearly forgotten. Apparently she was quite shocked that I’d messaged her abs kept asking other friends if they thought I’d forgive her! Anyway, we’re still friends but I never make plans with just her 1:1. If shes part of a group arrangement I’m always happy to see her and we’re on good terms but I would never put myself out for her again. I look back and wonder if I was right to lash out via text like I did but ultimately it didn’t ruin our friendship and I do think she needed to be told! It’s nothing personal either as she regularly still flakes on other friends, including not coming to a very close friends wedding at the total
last minute!

I think you’re right to back away. And to be honest if you want to give her a piece of your mind it would be more than understandable. But ultimately with people like this I don’t think they change their ways very easily so if you want to maintain the friendship from a distance I just wouldn’t put yourself in the position of doing anything 1:1 with her anymore.

I have a few flakey friends and I know they might not make the arrangements. One has an auto immune disease and is often in pain, the other two are just disorganised and busy. I am chill with it, I know it is not intentional or coming from a bad place. People have issues and are human.
I could take it really personally and confront them of course, and tell them they are crap friends etc etc, but what would it achieve? The end of the friendship and perhaps the one with RA would feel really upset that she isn't well enough to always see me.

I don't know how anyone has the energy to care. Make arrangements in pencil, keep a plan B if you care deeply about it, keep it vague with the dc and try not to take everything so personally. People have got ALOT worse since the pandemic, and a lot of this is poor mental health and not being able to fully get back into the swing of things.

'Be really kind' and 'she doesn't deserve' why the doormat-ness??

Flaky friend isn't kind and OP doesn't deserve the crappy behaviour from the friend.

Why always the excuses and maybe this/that for what's basically shitty controlling behaviour? Some people are just not very nice.

Well, if you can try and understand or at least accept there might be more to it, by calling handling something with care - is being a doormat, then you are likely to wreck your children's friendships as well as your own.
And end up with no friends.

In my experience most people have a lot going on, if they are nice enough for you to be friends with them in the first place, I am assuming they are nice enough to have a decent conversation about the reasons, before unceremoniously dumping the friendship and maybe creating an own goal for you and your child.

I've dropped a few friends because of being flaky.
One used to bail if she got a better offer, but only let me know that ("Oh sorry, I double booked" - which was a lie) at the last minute time and time again. The crunch came for me when we'd booked to go away on a short holiday with another person and she bailed three days before. We couldn't afford to pay her share and had to cancel the whole thing. She never apologised.
Second friend suffered with anxiety and depression, but just never ever stuck to plans. I gave them plenty of space, and suggested less stressful places to meet, gave them free reign on picking where and when to meet etc. and they'd cancel again and again (but managing, from viewing their social media profile) to go to other places with other people.
I just stopped messaging either of them. Haven't heard a word since.

I've had the same issue and used the same solution.

Flaky friends can't commit and disrespect your time, leading to a loss of trust. Life is too short for these types of people. Real friends don't act like this

If I were in your shoes, I really think I'd have to reply to the message asking if anything was wrong saying that you were disappointed in learning 25 minutes before curtain up that they wouldn't be at the theatre. You've also realised that she's cancelled on you a number of times at very short notice and this is very inconvenient and makes things difficult with the kids having to explain that she and the kids aren't going to show, again, for whatever thing you're planning to do.

I have a question for you @Lolabear38 - would you have gone to the theatre if she hadn't said she would go with you? Would you do the things that you had planned with her, if she wasn't doing them too?
Who paid for the theatre tickets? This would also factor into my response to her.

@Venetiaparties my dc and I have enough friends that don't muck us about or treat us like ops friend. Maybe we're just lucky. Confused as to why will end up with no friends?

"Oh, friend, I was going to ask YOU if anything was wrong because our arrangements get cancelled so often! "

i could have written this post 9 years ago. I did ask the friend why they kept cancelling and I got a load of nonsense (that I think was supposed to be flattering) about how I was like a sibling, so it was ok to let me down.
Anyway, I stopped making plans, if a meet up was suggested I replied that I’d love to and asked them to suggest the dates (presuming they’d only pick dates they could make) - they never did.
I will go along to group meet ups where others are invited as I know they will go ahead.
We meet up rarely now just us. It’s sad, but being told they viewed arrangements with me as optional rather killed the friendship.

Well, if your kids get along and you like her company when she does rock up then why not always invite another friend from your circle? That way you aren't on your own.

In terms of managing DC's expectations, I would probably not tell them that they were attending and just make it a nice surprise when they turn up.

If this was me I would find a way to broach it gently with her, after all she is teaching her kids it's o.k. to be flaky with people and sticking up for my kids' dissapointment, showing them also it's not o.k. to treat people like that.

I'd say I was just feeling sick. Makes the point without making it. Then never make plans again.

Just be an adult and speak with her, I agree with others, withdrawing is passive aggressive and jut plain rude.

And the flaky friend isn't plain rude for constantly cancelling at the last minute???

Some people's views on things are beyond my ability to understand.

Because it is okay to withdraw from someone who isn't treating you well. The idea that ghosting someone is a bad thing is contemporary nonsense. Friendship is a voluntary arrangement and relies on mutual trust and respect. Why do some peoole think it's okay for people to put themselves first, constantly flake on other people for selfish reasons but still retain a 'right' to their friendship?