To stop seeing this friend and not tell her why?

[Lolabear38]

I’ve been friends with the mum of a friend of my kids for around 2 years. She is awful for making plans and cancelling at the last minute, plans she has organised herself and also plans I, or others have made too. I’ve been avoiding making plans with just her/ her kids for a while now because she cancels so often. I only really see her if others are coming too so I know we won’t be let down at the last minute. Full disclosure, she doesn’t always cancel but she does a lot. My son is pretty much best friends with her son and our daughters also get on really well.

Last weekend we had agreed to go to a theatre show. Against my better judgement, just us and them. I was worried all week about her cancelling so I actually messaged her and said that my sister and her kids really wanted to go to the show but didn’t get tickets so if for any reason she thought she wouldn’t make it, let me know and I would offer the tickets to my sister instead.

The day came with no word from her so I figured we were good to go only for her to message 25 minutes before the show started, when me and my kids were already at the theatre, to say she wasn’t coming as she was feeling sick.

Now, I don’t actually know if she was sick or not, she may have been in which case of course she shouldn’t have come. The problem is she has flaked out SO MANY times before that I just don’t believe her and I don’t really have time for flaky people in mine or my kids lives (my kids enjoyed the show but we’re disappointed not to be spending the day with their friends as they thought they would be).

I’ve decided not to see this friend any more because she’s let me down so many times in the past, but we are part of a wider group of friends who I still want to see etc so I don’t want to fall out with this woman. I’ve not messaged her but I’ve replied to any of her messages politely, but briefly. Now she’s messaged me asking what’s wrong - I don’t want to ignore it but I don’t want to cause awkwardness in the group by just coming out and telling her that I don’t want to be close friends with her any more because of her behaviour. AIBU to just not tell her and just let things cool off on their own?

(our kids would still see each other at school and I would do kids only play dates, just not see the mum/ do things together on weekends etc).

I had a friend like this. I stopped bothering in the end, and agree with pp, no point in pointing out the flakiness, she is no doubt old enough to have been called out for it on a previous occasion. .. and hasn't changed.
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Now she’s messaged me asking what’s wrong - I don’t want to ignore it but I don’t want to cause awkwardness in the group by just coming out and telling her that I don’t want to be close friends with her any more because of her behaviour.
I'm not sure that you 'owe' her an answer, actually. Give her some vague "oh, you know how busy / difficult life is at the moment" stuff.
I think I'd be more concerned about letting it be known within the group (without being a bitchy gossip) about her most recent behaviour. I presume that you care more about their estimation than Ms Flaky's. Get your version in first.

Have you tried asking her "Is everything OK?"? This used to be me. I would regularly flake out, and it was because I was in an abusive, controlling relationship that I thought was "normal". I would make plans, only for my ex to find something incredibly important he needed to do that meant he couldn't parent, or he needed the car, or he didn't have the money he had promised me... A million and one reasons, & it was all designed by him in the hope that friends would do exactly what you have done & stop making plans with me. Which they did.
You are not unreasonable for being annoyed, but you are being unreasonable for ghosting her and not checking whether there is something deeper at play. Even if it isn't abuse, there could be a perfectly legitimate reason & one which isn't necessarily in her control.
The other thing to bear in mind is that your children will be watching what you do, and may start replicating the exclusion and shunning behaviour.

The other thing to bear in mind is that your children will be watching what you do, and may start replicating the exclusion and shunning behaviour.
Or.... her children will see that continually letting people down and mucking people about it not ok to do and there's consequences and that it's also actually OK not to allow to be mucked around?
Where's the exclusion and shunning in what OP plans to do? She's still going to see this woman and her kids at group activities just not keep agreeing to do stuff on 1:1 basis that's never actually honoured!

I’d be vague too “oh nothings wrong, see you at the next meet up/ at the school gate/ whatever “ but defo don’t make any plans with her again.

Feign indifference. I wouldn’t even bother replying and just be polite when you see her when out with the wider group.

You don’t owe her anything and she’s clearly not a close friend, bc she’d either not do it or you’d be able to say “WTAF” to her face.

This! Much better than saying nothing or lying. She does cancel a lot and it’s reasonable to let her know that it affects you and your kids.

Maybe she's not neurodiverse or has anxiety, maybe she's just massively flaky. The quiet quitting thing is fab-slow fade and only meet with a group, not just her.

This 100%.

Now she’s messaged me asking what’s wrong - I don’t want to ignore it but I don’t want to cause awkwardness in the group by just coming out and telling her that I don’t want to be close friends with her any more because of her behaviour.
I've thought about this some more. Because you are a nice person you are playing by social rules and standard etiquette. Big mistake!
I think you should do the politician thing: don't answer the question asked; answer the question she should have asked. So the answer to "what's wrong?" is "all good here, it's a shame we didn't have a chance to catch up last Saturday night".

In my experience, people don't respond to this kind of criticism well. You'll just end up as the bad guy. So I agree with gently ghosting for the sake of your kids and the group.

I have a friend like this. It got to the point that I assumed she would cancel everything and so it was fully expected. And then I just stopped. I’ve not seen her for three years now and we live ten minutes walk away.

I think she has some kind of anxiety issues perhaps, so I wondered if inviting her was stressing her out. I wouldn’t want to do that, but equally there’s just little to no chance of her turning up.

Sounds like anxiety/panic attacks to me. I would have felt the same as you until exactly a year ago when extreme anxiety/panic disorder hit me like a ton of bricks and I’m still learning to manage it. Often I really want and fully intend to do something I’ve planned or agreed to (even really important things like hosting a work event or reading at a wedding or funeral) and just before it starts feel like I’m going to faint or throw up. I’ve become the flaky one, and it’s not always easy or appropriate to tell people so I would sometimes say I feel suddenly sick rather than admit to it being a mental health thing. Came out of nowhere for me after years of being a very sociable extrovert and planner 😔

I think you need to tread carefully. People that cancel plans last minute often suffer with anxiety and it's easier to let someone down than it is to put yourself through the anxiety of a going out. She will know that she is letting others down as well as her own children.

Speak to her honestly, ask her if she's ok. Give her a safe space to talk. Ask her about her home life and gently bring up the regular cancelled plans and ask if there is a reason.

In a world where you can be anything, be kind

In a world where you can be anything, be kind
shame this isn't reciprocal for some people who want all the kindness their way only!

Exactly. This is based on the assumption that her friend is struggling. Her friend could also not care at all about dropping plans last minute, she might just decide that she can't be bothered. Not everything is about mental illness and I say this as someone who has had periods of depression and anxiety. Sometimes it's ok just to call the behaviour as it is.

This is so naive and unhelpful a post
OPs children are being let down; OP gave her friend an "out" before saying her Dsis and nieces nephews would live the tickets if friend decided nearer the time not to go. Instead "Friend" again drops out very last minute - repeatedly- waiting until op was seated at the show with DCs . So that no one could use those tickets and OP& DCs were alone at the show instead of a day out in company. I'm patient and understanding but this would be a draw the line moment- never again.

If you have anxiety and keep dropping out, always letting down your friends you KNOW that you do this and you make efforts to be honest, to mitigate risks and to not make everyone else and their children miserable.

This is a self centred "friend" so it's not a 'be kind to friend' situation , not when children are getting upset by this adult's actions. She doesn't care about anyone other than what suits her. This is where the "Friend" should 'be kind'

Sometimes it's ok just to call the behaviour as it is.

Yes this ^ absolutely 100%

Some posters / people use "be kind" as a way to say collude with selfish behaviour that causes harm and upset to others.

At one extreme It's a typical Minimisation strategy used by abusers to get away with continuing and at the milder extreme it's deployed as an excuse , deflecting on to the people that were let down/ negatively impacted so the person doesn't have to take responsibility or any sense of guilt that their behaviour is problematic to others. It's quite right to Call out the behaviour.

In this case however I would draw the line and LC this woman

Ie polite and pleasant when she happens to be there during group meet ups, no need to talk to her about it as she isn't honest (or she would be saying "it differently that "are you alright you're quiet" as she knows how she behaves and she knows impact on others.. she's just choosing to pretend differently). She's a friend of 2 years who has let OP and OPs DCs down constantly. She's not a lifelong friend. She's not really a friend to OP at all.

So many random assumptions in your post. Op didn't have to agree to the theatre without the rest of the group. She knew is was a risk as it has happened so many times before! Op is responsible for herself, her children and her decisions. She knew this plan carried a risk of a flake, and she was not disappointed.

You seem to know fuck all about mental health, if you think it is so easy to announce to people you are struggling (badly) It can be very embarrassing and shaming people. It is NOT just a case of 'letting people' know.

Now wind your neck in, develop some emotional intelligence and empathy and consider for a minute that you do not know all of the facts. The best way to deal with this is to do nothing, and stop seeing this friend on a one to one basis.

Ah the lovely '#BeKind and wind your neck in' ...

OP, don’t talk to your friend about it, you won’t get an answer that makes you feel good about yourself. You will either get “anxiety” (you’ll feel guilty) or “you’re not a priority” (you’ll feel hurt). Either way, her behaviour is unlikely to change, as it’s who she is.
IMHO the “kindest” thing to do (to yourself and your friend) is to step back from one to one meet ups, which just set you up for hurt or disappointment, and see the friend in the group. That way you can maintain the friendship, without further damage to your self esteem.

😂

This! #bekind - as long as you agree with what I’m saying and if you don’t, wind your neck in?! Wow… 😯

Being kind or being nice doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat.

YANBU to pull away in the friendship but YABVU to not tell her why