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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

1000 replies

Was1anddone · 07/11/2022 14:15

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

OP posts:
ebri91 · 08/11/2022 05:10

Thelongnights · 08/11/2022 04:40

Met loads of women with mental health issues/anxiety and disabilities at group. Being disabled does not mean they're automatically confortable breastfeeding in front of lots of strangers, disable mothers can also be self conscious too & not want other people's husbands/partners present, I'm not sure why think it's just an able-bodied issue...
Alot of women struggling to feed their babies have poor mental health and anxiety as a result of that struggle or for many other reasons. The main objective of these group sessions is help as many women as possible. Alot of these women are extremely self conscious and its not uncommon to have women break down in tears in frustration. Our group is a safe place for these women to speak openly to other women with similar experience. We offer hands on help with latching and positioning when needed. Alot of women become uncomfortable when they feel exposed. I can think of at least four mums from group that I know without any doubt would not return if husbands/partners/family members/friends were present so why then should one woman be allowed to bring along her husband if it means four others in need of help will no longer feel comfortable attending and either struggle alone or give up breastfeeding altogether. All women are entitled to the same level of care and in an enviroment that the majority feel comfortable in. In group sessions the needs of the entire group have to be considered and majority rules. If someone wants or needs a different set up with additional support from their partners or family member or friend they can arrange for a private session. Group isn't for everyone, but it works well for the majority when everyones boundaries are respected.

As for your "other note" I agree support at home is great, but why do you need to take that support to the group sessions with you? What exactly do these partners do at group that makes their presence vital? Surely your partner works or at least doesn't assist with every feed at home, wouldnt it be better to do group alone to gain more confidence with feeding solo?

BTW I don't know why you told me to grow up, it's a little strange to suggest it's childish to have boundaries. Women are allowed to set boundaries and have those boundaries respected, there's a woman in my group with history of SA and another that is a young teen mum who is very self conscious, neither want to feed in front of men why should I or you force them into a situatiation where they might have to? . because you think their boundaries are childish?
To be clear I've no personal issues feeding in public or in front of anyone really, but I'm not so self centered that I can't understand that others do struggle with this aspect of breast feeding.

Show quote history

I am not gonna bother replying to your actual post because I can't be bothered but I will say that you are twisting my words and other posters words to get your point across. You are manipulating my viewpoint and just fabricating at times! You seem obsessed with being right which is......childish!!!!

Clymene · 08/11/2022 05:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

That's not a breastfeeding support group then.

ChocolatRaisinz · 08/11/2022 05:21

Thelongnights · 08/11/2022 00:02

Honestly if you bring your husband to a support group for struggling breast feeding mums you are without doubt a selfish, entitled, self serving tit - there is no debate. If you can't respect other people's boundaries you do not belong in a group setting. If you can't extend yourself even marginally to consider how other women feel having a male stranger in group session while they are exposed then you do not belong there - other women have the right to feel comfortable & safe - group sessions are not a fucking exhibition show - it's just that simple.

You can post your horror stories and insist you needed your partner all you want, but you cannot demand syphathy/empathy or understanding for your struggles while ignoring the fact that every other woman in the group is also struggling but they all had the common decency to afford their fellow struggling mothers the dignity of privacy from men in a time when they are most vulnerable. The shocking level of entitlement from some women here is unbelievable. And BTW just because people didn't object to your partner does not mean he was welcomed, it just means the poor vulnerable women whose group you just joined with your weird husband were too embaressed to tell your husband to fuck right off.

100%.
We live in a society. Behave like it.
Men have no place at a breastfeeding group. I'd like to think I would have politely asked how he found giving birth. Then be horrified and said I thought he was a transman, so female and then asked him what the heck he was doing there.Though realistically the type of man who would even go I'd fear for mine and my babies safety.

ChocolatRaisinz · 08/11/2022 05:25

I think you should contact them OP.
Tell them for all the reasons on this thread why it is not appropriate. Then ask them if they will make it for women only as it should be. If they don't make it clear you won't be returning, and any women who go just the once or a few times won't have returned for the same reason. I wouldn't.

lifeturnsonadime · 08/11/2022 07:58

@ebri91

I agree with Thelongnights

The fact that a mother having support at home is useful doesn't mean it's necessary, or right, for that mother to take a man with her to a breastfeeding group.

A breastfeeding peer support group is for breastfeeders. What useful purpose could a man serve attending one?

And you should really stop calling Thelongnights childish. You may not like it but on every level she is right.

creepie · 08/11/2022 08:09

Faciadipasta · 07/11/2022 14:36

That's an awful lot of whataboutery. Was that the woman's position?

Not really whataboutery at all. It was my own experience, along with severe PND and anxiety. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if I actually was diagnosed with PTSD due to the bloody awful breastfeeding experience we had. (My children were undoubtedly malnourished because of the gaslighting at every stage of healthcare that BF is the only acceptable way)
But he's a man, so fuck us right? Should have brought a woman. Except my DM died when I was a teenager and all my friends work

Yep, sorry. Pay for a private session.

TheaBrandt · 08/11/2022 08:31

Whatever the special pleading there is absolutely no excuse for bringing a man into a woman’s support space.

TwiggletLover · 08/11/2022 08:46

@Thelongnights
Again well done you. Just because you were physically and emotionally able to get yourself to a breastfeeding group without support doesn't mean that everyone is in the same position.
I'm not sure how it can be seen as selfish and entitled to require your husband's support when you have only just given birth and your baby needs to be fed. In my own particular circumstances that were at least 4 other men there so why on earth would I have asked my husband to leave when I needed him.
People don't seem to be grasping that breastfeeding groups are often not woman only. So taking your husband along is allowed. I presume the experts organising these groups have made it like that for a reason. Most likely because they know that many women will require a partner with them in those first days after birth

stuntbubbles · 08/11/2022 09:03

TwiggletLover · 08/11/2022 01:34

@MumOnAMountain
I'm sorry you had that to experience but that doesn't mean that all men are creepy and wanting to stare at woman breastfeeding

True, but there’s no way of knowing when entering a group space whether the men there are safe and to be trusted; or starers. Unless someone’s in my circle and vetted by me, I have to assume a strange man in a breastfeeding group is the latter, and leave. That’s why female-only spaces are important.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 08/11/2022 09:09

Peoniesandcream · 08/11/2022 01:16

I imagine he was needed to support the woman he was there with. This is like the thread about men shouldn't be allowed on post birth wards because they "stare".

No, men shouldn’t be allowed on postnatal wards because they aren’t patients.

But thanks for minimising women’s experiences of men creeping them out when they are in an extremely vulnerable place - literally and figuratively

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 08/11/2022 09:10

TwiggletLover · 08/11/2022 01:18

@MumOnAMountain
I find your perspective very strange. A man wanting to support his wife is not creepy. And no it isn't bollocks. I went to these groups 2/3 times a week in a variety of locations with 2 DC and there were often men present. And yes it did "depend on the age of the baby" because a man supporting his still haemorrhaging wife and 2 day old baby is a very different scenario from a man attending with an older baby.

What is a man doing that’s so supportive to the haemorrhaging? She can see him at home, he isn’t needed there.

And he may not be creepy to his partner but I think any man who actually wants to be around lactating women getting their problems solved is creepy AF

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 08/11/2022 09:11

TwiggletLover · 08/11/2022 01:23

@MumOnAMountain
My husband or any of the men I know certainly wouldn't stare at another woman breast feeding her baby.

Neither would mine.

But the other women in the group wouldn’t know that. I wouldn’t expect them to put up with him on the off chance he’s not a creep

Clymene · 08/11/2022 09:15

As I said down thread, the man sitting with what I presume was his partner after I gave birth was absolutely gawping at me when I was breastfeeding. It was horrible.

Original poster
Was1anddone · 08/11/2022 09:23

Ok small update then I’m off.

i just got off the phone to the staff at the children’s centre. The man was completely in the wrong and it seemed the consultant was too nervous to intervene probably because whatabouttery (we have had some good examples on this thread)

I explained what happened yesterday, and apparently I was in the was the ‘private room’ and the man should absolutely have not have been in there.

the children’s centre is an ex infant school and there is a small sports hall which is the ‘public space’ where men sit with smaller toddlers or wait for c section partners. Some women do sit there feeding if they feel comfortable- there are chairs out and snacks.

the ‘private space’ is an adjoining library where you go if you want more intimate help and don’t feel comfortable.

this tosser unfortunately just walked straight into the library like he owned the place, which explains why the other women covered up/stopped feeding when he arrived. I think the consultant was so surprised to see him in there, that she froze up herself, or might have been worried that the couple would kick off? No idea. Not happy though as the rules were clearly broken.

as you can clearly see from this set up- the children’s centre has made allowances for all of the situations where a bloke would need to be there and made an women’s only space accordingly.

Here’s the kicker- to paraphrase the person on the phone ‘that’s odd, he knows that space is for more intimate support…!!!’

the person on the phone recognised the man from yesterday!!! He had been before! He must have been aware of the two rooms and the purpose of them!!!! He chose to go into the private room!!!

children’s centre aren’t happy and are looking into the matter.

I have found a group that is single sex from the outset and will be attending there from next week.

OP posts:
RandomMusings7 · 08/11/2022 09:26

Guy acting creepy turns out to be a proper creep. Color me surprised!

Lentilweaver · 08/11/2022 09:27

Was1anddone · 08/11/2022 09:23

Ok small update then I’m off.

i just got off the phone to the staff at the children’s centre. The man was completely in the wrong and it seemed the consultant was too nervous to intervene probably because whatabouttery (we have had some good examples on this thread)

I explained what happened yesterday, and apparently I was in the was the ‘private room’ and the man should absolutely have not have been in there.

the children’s centre is an ex infant school and there is a small sports hall which is the ‘public space’ where men sit with smaller toddlers or wait for c section partners. Some women do sit there feeding if they feel comfortable- there are chairs out and snacks.

the ‘private space’ is an adjoining library where you go if you want more intimate help and don’t feel comfortable.

this tosser unfortunately just walked straight into the library like he owned the place, which explains why the other women covered up/stopped feeding when he arrived. I think the consultant was so surprised to see him in there, that she froze up herself, or might have been worried that the couple would kick off? No idea. Not happy though as the rules were clearly broken.

as you can clearly see from this set up- the children’s centre has made allowances for all of the situations where a bloke would need to be there and made an women’s only space accordingly.

Here’s the kicker- to paraphrase the person on the phone ‘that’s odd, he knows that space is for more intimate support…!!!’

the person on the phone recognised the man from yesterday!!! He had been before! He must have been aware of the two rooms and the purpose of them!!!! He chose to go into the private room!!!

children’s centre aren’t happy and are looking into the matter.

I have found a group that is single sex from the outset and will be attending there from next week.

Useful update. So Nigel was a creep.
Women are so socialised to just give way to men, aren't they? Even when they have been shunted to a private room while the men get the larger space.

Your consultant sounds useless.

CatJumperTwat · 08/11/2022 09:30

So Nigel was a creep.

It's a safe bet that any man at a breastfeeding support group is a creep.

ArabellaScott · 08/11/2022 09:30

Useful, thanks OP. So there is a space where women can go with their male partners if they need support, and also a private single sex space for women who prefer that. It sounds like a good set up, but they have to uphold the single sex rule.

ArabellaScott · 08/11/2022 09:32

the job of HVs, HCPs, midwives and peer supporters is to help support women - that will include women who have extra support needs and may need their partner or a friend there with them, and ALSO include women who need single sex spaces. I can completely understand both points of view, and there's no need to shame or attack women in either position.

ArabellaScott · 08/11/2022 09:32

So long as both groups are provided for and single sex spaces are respected, all is fine.

GrandOleOpryNights · 08/11/2022 09:33

Ew, what a creepy bastard. They need to take action so this can never happen again. Any woman that runs these groups needs to be capable of being assertive to protect the women in her care.

picklemewalnuts · 08/11/2022 09:39

I'm shocked at the doubling down from people who read that men in a women's group prevents women accessing it, but think it's ok anyway.

Breastfeeding support groups are for breastfeeders. If partners are welcome then that should be specified.

Sometimes that will be fine, like the ones some women here have experienced- probably most suitable where it's held in a public place so men will be there anyway.

If it's not specified, then men aren't welcome. They stop women going.

Lentilweaver · 08/11/2022 09:41

Breasts aren't sexual, don't you know? 🙄

RandomMusings7 · 08/11/2022 09:43

Lentilweaver · 08/11/2022 09:41

Breasts aren't sexual, don't you know? 🙄

They're not even intimate. As some posters would have you believe they might actually be communal property....

stuntbubbles · 08/11/2022 09:43

RandomMusings7 · 08/11/2022 09:26

Guy acting creepy turns out to be a proper creep. Color me surprised!

The vindication of this update after this shitshow thread! But what a shame he wasn’t simply kicked out straight away.

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