To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

You spat your tea out because you don't know that a human who just birthed a baby from their uterus via their vagina, and who is feeding that human with their breasts....is a woman?

What do you think they are, biologically? Which bit confuses you so much you are spraying hot beverages about?

I just asked my husband if he would come to one of those meetings with me if needed. He said he would prefer not to but if I really needed him he would but he would be extremely uncomfortable.

Which is what I expected him to say.

So he was focused on his own comfort level? He didn't mention that it would be inappropriate and uncomfortable for the women there?

oh dear.

Depends a lot on the type of group and setting. If it's in a closed setting with a professional I understand what you are saying but if the building was open to others anyway it isn't private, and she did accommodate your request.

Personally I don't understand why a man would want to come but there are reasons why a woman may need support, and they may not want to disclose to strangers why.

My local breastfeeding support group meets in the pub twice a week, it's certainly not private as the pub is open (but generally quiet as weekday morning, open from 8am as also has rooms).

I asked mine and he pulled a face and asked if I was on MN again 😂😂 he knows my feeling on single sex spaces and o wouldn’t need to ask a question like that - thank god because he isn’t an inconsiderate arse who’d come along.

when I had my DC we could have partners in the postnatal ward from 9am-9pm. I was there for 5 days and the woman next to me’s husband was there every day for the whole 12 hours to the point where I could have reached out and touched him if I wanted to, he was right up against my curtain.

My DH came twice a day for an hour each time because he said (loudly) it’s hugely unfair to other women who probably want peace and don’t want to talk about their medical issues with a random bloke next to them. The other guy didn’t get the message but I was pleased my DH could read the room properly

Some women need their DH there to help care for baby, especially if had a C section. Midwives did not have time and were rude if asked for help. How do you suppose these women look after their baby if their DH gets kicked out?

And theyd be doing this dressed as a dude would they’d ? With or without a cock ?

Family members should not be used in lieu of professional nursing care. And I advise they’d do whatever the single mums had to do in that situation.

The worst of it is that people who don’t have their Nigel to advocate them suffer more when there are Nigel’s around taking up HCPs’ time.

Some women need their DH there to help care for baby, especially if had a C section. Midwives did not have time and were rude if asked for help. How do you suppose these women look after their baby if their DH gets kicked out?

I've had two c-sections and I'd still prefer struggling by myself than being stuck on a postnatal ward in a 4 bed bay with random men there, even with help from my own DH. I paid to have a private room anyway but when DH wasn't there I managed, despite the practically non-existent help from staff.

It must be horrific to be stuck on a ward when you are vulnerable and in pain, with men around listening to your medical issues and generally being in the way.

I said why, a few whys in fact. I didn't say it was always ok, just that there might be a reason this woman needed her partner's support. It wasn't handled at all well by the group from what's been posted here but no one knows the reasons behind it so should stop judging

Let's imagine the post from the woman really struggling, needing help with bf but unable to get out without support and ultimately not being able to access the help she needed, becoming more isolated, mental health declining then switching to formula and really beating herself up over it. Things are not so black and white here. No splinters in my arse but thanks for your concern

As with most group things you have to go with what the majority want. Otherwise the group fails for everyone. As demonstrated here.

It is. Those and the Bounty reps. Neither have any business perambulating around postnatal wards outside standard visiting time (and in the case of the reps, not even then).

Yes, I did have an EMCS, plus a traumatic labour in which we nearly lost DS, was cathertized, and bleeding rapidly through industrial-sized sanpro. I'm in that state, and the Bounty rep swung my curtain right back, exposing me to the entire ward as I was being examined. Needless to say, I tersely told her to get the hell out.

In no other areas of medicine would patients whose bodies have just undergone a major trauma be fodder for this kind of shit.

By day 3, when the baby blues kicked in and I still hadn't had a shower, was caked in blood with sweaty, greasy hair and feeling utterly disgusting, I broke. I was weeping copiously when Ms. Bounty returned and was told, in less than temperate language, to stop pulling back my curtain without leave and treat patients with a bit of dignity and respect.

When I finally got to the shower - and by that point WAS I desperate for one - I could get nowhere near the facilities, thanks to ... you guessed it. Fucking Nigel.

"My DH is deaf and I've needed to go to several appointments etc that have got some odd looks to translate for him."

If your DH needed to go to a men's group to discuss men's bodily issues with other men (prostate cancer, one example), it would be appropriate for the group to supply an interpreter rather than having a woman enter the group and alter the atmosphere. Would a group of men really talk freely about such personal issues with a woman present? I doubt it.

If your DH needed to go to a men's group to discuss men's bodily issues with other men (prostate cancer, one example), it would be appropriate for the group to supply an interpreter rather than having a woman enter the group and alter the atmosphere. Would a group of men really talk freely about such personal issues with a woman present? I doubt it.

Exactly, it works both ways. Men should (and do) get opportunities to have their own space to discuss things that affect them. It's interesting that women have no interest in encroaching on their spaces, isn't it... hmmm

Yes I haven't disputed that but as stated we don't know the circumstances. Obviously it should have been handled better by asking them to come back later or getting them to sit off to the side but there are so many strawman sidenotes on here it's getting ridiculous and people are spoiling for a fight over nothing

Assuming this is about men looking at your boobs women can and do do this too. If it's because you think they're looking at you in a sexual way then you should probably be reminded that women (including breastfeeding mothers) may be bisexual or lesbian. Would that be an issue too?
Bisexual women and lesbians are not people known for being threats against women and children. They are women so belong in the group so that they can feed their baby. Transmen and non-binary people who are breastfeeding also belong in the room. It's a support group for people who breastfeed.

Even if the men in the room were all gay so not getting any sexual kicks from uncovered breasts, they do not belong in a breastfeeding group.

I definitely agree with this! Across my many years of breastfeeding my DH was always very nice about it and supportive..bringing me drinks, making me food, helping me when they wouldn’t latch (by helping I mean calming me down and calming baby down!), bringing the baby to me in the night and watching over us and making sure no one got rolled on when I breastfed lying down snoozing.
But there was absolutely no need for him to go to a breastfeeding group in order to do any of these things. It is not for men. They are not mothers and they do
not have breasts. Some parts of parenting, however much people want to be equal, just aren’t. Your husband can support you without going.

The problem is that the people who run these groups have to adhere to the woke principles as laid down so it is up to the women attending to say "No sorry" blah blah as several have done. Next you will have these daft men who pretend they are feeding their surrogate babies with a tube at their chest attending. 🙄

Fml now us wimmin who had a c section need Nigel at our beck and call as we simply can't do it without them
I had an emergency c section and could hardly walk yet would have ran across the ward if someone's Nigel was sat gawping as I tried to go to the loo/feed the baby/burst into postnatal tears

Oh, good - the “get their baps out” brigade is here. I just need “flop one out” and “her whole breast” for bingo then I can go to bed.

Piss off. I breastfed my kids all over the place but it is very different to a place where you’re struggling and need help and want to talk to people who are going through the same or who can help.

If you have ever BFed you will know that there is a considerable difference between BFing in public once you have got the hang of it, and immediately after birth when baby doesnt know how to latch and there is a lot of squeezing and pulling by the consultant.

In answer to your question, I have fed in public, on a 14 hr flight and in restaurants with men present. ONCE I learnt how to do it and DD learnt how to latch.

Oh come on, feeding in a cafe or a party or on a park bench, with just a quick expert lift of the top before baby quickly latches on and covers everything up is totally different to sitting there all post natal and engorged and dripping with milk, possibly very anxious and feeling all guilty about feeding going badly. Admitting to a room full of people that you are finding breastfeeding a struggle. Exposing your whole boob whilst someone examines it closely for latch, mastitis, positioning, and then massages and squeezes it. Very very different!