To think a man has no place at a breastfeeding support group

[Was1anddone]

Went to a local breastfeeding group today ran by the local council and was surprised to see a boyfriend/husband in tow.

I had visited because I had a latching problem that needed the consultant’s hands on support, like many women do. I happily feed in front of male strangers and family members when baby is hungry, but this is not as ‘intimate’ as coming to a clinic where the lactation consultant may need women to expose their breasts, manoeuvre babies and do compressions.

I expressed my suspense to the consultant who wasn’t very happy to see him there and asked if I needed to go somewhere more private. So I spent my breastfeeding support session in between two bookshelves in a children’s centre, which wasn’t what I had in mind.

i’m going to check with the council for clarification but but AIBU to think this should be women only? Nothing about it was appropriate at all, and he was very much ‘watching’ all of us.

there are plenty of things men can do to be equal parents and be involved in the process. If he wanted consultant level advice on how to support his partner with feeding- he could have arranged a £20 zoom session. Why can’t we just have a bloody breastfeeding session?

yes the woman may be ND or have anxiety (didn’t get those vibes from her at all though- presented as NT and very chatty and personable but I understand needs can be hidden or masked) but surely a female chaperone or friend would be more appropriate? And if she didn’t have this the council should offer something more suitable? Our dignity shouldn’t be second to her requirements, if this was the case.

my breastfeeding problem needs lots of compressions and swapping sides so my support was greatly hindered by him being there having a laugh and a cuppa. I’m so pissed off :(

When you breastfeed in public, you wear a scarf or special top. You don't need to show a practitioner your boobs.

When you go to a breastfeeding support group, you often have to expose your breasts in order to demonstrate how baby is latching or how to hand express etc. Not many people want to do that in front of someone else's husband who doesn't need to be there.

Don't forget the 'as long as it's discreet' crew, but they'll be all tucked up by now.

I can feed DD2 anywhere now. She latches instantly and I don't even skip a beat of conversation. Two weeks PP she would take up to 40 mins to latch on properly sometimes and it was a shitshow with us both in tears.

Oh, yes, and the “why can’t you go to the loo and do it?” crowd.

I was so bloody engorged in the early days and DD’s tongue- and lip-tied mouth was so tiny I had to use a manual pump to make my boob less brick-like before doing that weird “squeeze it so it’s like a burger” trick and flipping it upwards at her. Obviously I wasn’t going to take that performance to a park bench or cafe.

Utterly idiotic
Also it's MY choice if I want to breastfeed in public with a man present. I may not do that
If a man rocks up at a group that is aimed at supporting and helping ME breastfeed then where is MY choice?

Agree with all this.

Yes. The consultant running it should have asked him to wait outside. How bizarre.

Well said

Nope, but I have gone with him to prostate checking appointments and gasp been in the room to translate for him because thats what made him most comfortable.

If it was the other way around and I was deaf I wouldn't be able to attend without him to translate for me. Would I expect him to be in the room with the other women? No I wouldn't! I'd expect there to be a second room (hell a disabled toilet would do) for me to get the support I needed.

As I said in my reply, the issue is that they didn't have adequate provision for people who need to bring a supporting person. They should have a room for where the 'lactating individuals' are attending alone, and a second room for people who need to bring another along for whatever reason.

Keep men out of women's spaces. All women's spaces. Good grief, why do we still have to fight for this?

Even if the woman in question had needed her man's support to get to the venue, he could have waited outside/gone somewhere else for the duration. That lack of understanding, lack of sensitivity towards women. It always amazes me, and yet it doesn't.

Also, the people managing this facility - why aren't they managing it properly? Man turns up with breastfeeding woman: they should be saying to all men, "Hello, man. This facility is for women only, so you can't come in. Because it's women only." Direct the men to nearby cafe if available. If not, ask him to wait in another room or outside.

I'm remembering back to starting breastfeeding - some random man staring, when I needed help, would have been extremely offputting.

Breastfeeding gets easier, of course. But the first few times, and early on, and requesting help which means baring your breasts - no, no men at all.

Out of genuine curiosity, do you feel the same about women who aren't feeding (like a mother or sister there to support) so you think it should be nursers only?

It's quite simple, peer group support for breastfeeders is only for those who breastfeed.

If that was indeed the case, then the facilitators should have asked the women present if they minded X's husband being there because X was deaf (I can't actually think of another condition that would really require the presence of a partner. Mental health condition - perhaps a SW or HV in attendance would be better?) I still don't think it's good enough grounds to let a bloke into a roomful of half naked female strangers, though. Not by a very long chalk.

OP makes it very clear that there was zero explanation. He just rocked up and they were too scared to tell him to go because it wouldn't have been inclusive and nice. And women must always be nice, don't you know.

Honestly if you bring your husband to a support group for struggling breast feeding mums you are without doubt a selfish, entitled, self serving tit - there is no debate. If you can't respect other people's boundaries you do not belong in a group setting. If you can't extend yourself even marginally to consider how other women feel having a male stranger in group session while they are exposed then you do not belong there - other women have the right to feel comfortable & safe - group sessions are not a fucking exhibition show - it's just that simple.

You can post your horror stories and insist you needed your partner all you want, but you cannot demand syphathy/empathy or understanding for your struggles while ignoring the fact that every other woman in the group is also struggling but they all had the common decency to afford their fellow struggling mothers the dignity of privacy from men in a time when they are most vulnerable. The shocking level of entitlement from some women here is unbelievable. And BTW just because people didn't object to your partner does not mean he was welcomed, it just means the poor vulnerable women whose group you just joined with your weird husband were too embaressed to tell your husband to fuck right off.

He did also say he didn’t think it was particularly appropriate for a man to be there… so I don’t think he was just thinking about his awkwardness.

New mothers learning to breastfeed should certainly not be a spectator sport for men, or for anyone else in the new mother's family.

If the new mother genuinely needs help and can't do without her man or her family, then please explain this to the breastfeeding group. Accommodations can be made.

It sounds creepy if the man or family refuse to leave the mother alone, even for breastfeeding counselling (big red flag for abuse, there)

I can see it from both sides. I was having to access breast feeding support after a traumatic birth when my DC was only a couple of days old. I could barely walk but was determined to breast feed. I needed my DH support so yes he came to a couple of groups. That being said I have also experienced feeling being uncomfortable with a male present in this setting. I think it depends on the age of the baby to a certain extent.

Just to add that I went to many of these groups and from what I can remember none of them were for woman only

So the men were breastfeeding too, were they?

Bollocks.

It doesn't "depend on the age of the baby" either.

Breastfeeding is exclusively women's stuff.

Breastfeeding is something that only women can do.

As OPs have said over and over - men can support women's breastfeeding by doing the housework, keeping the place clean, looking after the other children if there are other children, supplying the breastfeeding mother with nutritious food and drink while while she is breastfeeding. Doing the laundry. Cleaning the toilet and bathroom. Doing the big weekly shops and getting it right

And not being creepy, and not insisting on crashing women's breastfeeding groups.

And, possibly, standing up to the men who try to crash women's breastfeeding groups, and saying, "No, mate, we don't."

I've had csections with all my DC and could barely walk for weeks after each but never brought my partner to group - he would drive me and help me in but then would go sit in car and mess about on his phone or go for drive and came back when I called him and helped me back out and into car - I didn't need him in there and frankly I wouldn't just expect every woman, especially first time struggling mums, to feel comfortable with him there. Your actions could of very well prevented other mums from returning to group. I now volunteer & my youngest DC is 4 months. There is very little in terms of struggles that I haven't experience over the course of breast feeding 3 kids and have alot to offer in terms of technique and support for new struggling mums. One of the biggest concerns these women typically have is breast feeding in public, even in a room full of other breast feeding mothers they struggle to find their confidence. I wouldn't think twice about asking a tag a long dad to leave and give the women of the group privacy. I think it's wholly inappropriate and downright selfish to impose your needs over the needs of the group, you are not the only woman struggling & your struggles are not more important than every other mother in group trying to feed their babies. I've sat with women in floods of tears with a breast in one hand and a screaming child in the other - in those moments those women are utterly vulnerable, distressed and exposed in more ways than one, this is difficult enough for them being surrounded by other mums with shared feelings and experiences but adding men to the spectator list is just insulting. When you go to support groups aimed at helping struggling mums scenes such as that should be expected - alot of overtired, frustrated mothers who feel like failures deserve some dignity when they can't hold back their tears.

Totally agree. I've have twins after a C-section who I struggled to breastfeed, had another DC where my nipples were bleeding and I thought they were going to fall off, and attended these groups so I could keep bf going. DH drove me everywhere after the twin C-section for a few weeks and I had a pram to put them in so there was absolutely no need for him to come in with me!

Can't remember any men being there and I certainly wouldn't have got my boobs out if there had been anymore that I would get them out in Tesco for random blokes to see!

@Thelongnights

Well done you. Of course you have no idea of the details of my birth and why I might have needed my husbands support. Of course he didn't attend with me once I was physically and mentally able to make it alone. Probably only once or twice and he absolutely would have left had it not have been for the fact that there were other men their. As already stated I have been to many of these groups and all of them in my area have men there. I hadn't realised that this was unusual so very interesting that people are so up in arms about it. Although as I have also already stated I can absolutely empathise with why it might make some woman feel uncomfortable and have been in that position myself

YABU

As someone who has suffered from severe PND and anxiety I can say that this would have been the only way for me to attend a breastfeeding support group.

Ideally people who need support should take a mum or sister but some of us don't have that luxury.

The lady with the husband is entitled to help and support as you are.

And the lady with the husband can tell him to wait outside, once there, in respect of all the other women? If not, why not?

I imagine he was needed to support the woman he was there with. This is like the thread about men shouldn't be allowed on post birth wards because they "stare".