To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

The op is not spending it alone.

@Toomuchtrouble4me do you think daughters should be with their mums but sons don’t/shouldn’t be with their mums? If you have DC how would you feel if your DH took them to his parents for Christmas

I will be spending Christmas alone, my mum will be visiting her friends. She would prefer to be with me. I'll see her for a week from the 15th to the 22nd December.

Even booked a cottage one year that DIL said she would go to and then went to her parents instead. But according to many posters on here that behaviour is fine
In the context of the OPs post it's perfectly fine 🤷‍♀️
"A couple of years ago we rented out a house by the sea for Xmas, plenty of warning, months in advance the idea being this would be the first full family Xmas. She dithered before announcing that, no, she would not be coming"
Clearly the cottage being booked had zero to do with DIL.
For whatever reason, she doesn't want to spend Christmas with the OP. Perhaps it's personal. Maybe it's not. Either way she'll do what suits her and her husband. Op will continue to moan about it rather than doing anything else. Mountain. Molehill 🙄

I don't think it's fine to tell someone you will do something, let them make the arrangements and pay for them, then back out for no reason other than 'changed my mind'. At the very least I'd have offered to compensate for the extra expense the person I'd made the promise to had incurred. Even if I had the best reason for cancelling. I think OP is allowed to be disappointed and let down by this.

I don't know why people get so crazy about Christmas and where it is. We opted out of the expectations but just staying home and telling everyone they were welcome to come over on the day, if they wanted.

MIL decided to stay home and have the rest of the family at her house because there was no other way. Her choice. My parents decided to come visit another day near Christmas. We were the only ones with kids, the only ones that had to travel, so we just enjoyed a nice quiet Christmas at home by ourselves, which our children preferred to running around on the day.

YABU but only because I'm an only child........Xmas day is for me to spend with my parents ..... they won't be there forever.....(they also live 2 hours away so not local)

I suppose that's just life, being a grown up and doing a kind thing to make someone else happy. An important someone else as well, as she's the mother of her husband.

Why doesn’t your son go with her to see her family? It should work both ways surely? Especially if she doesn’t see them as often

@Chuck2015 he does, OP has said so many times. Interesting though you don’t say why doesn’t the DIL go with her DH and spend Christmas with OP

I don't think it's fine to tell someone you will do something, let them make the arrangements and pay for them, then back out for no reason other than 'changed my mind'. At the very least I'd have offered to compensate for the extra expense the person I'd made the promise to had incurred

Sure. Luckily that didn't happen to the OP 🤷‍♀️
(are you answering on the right thread?)

I feel bad for you that you aren't happy with the way things are however sadly I think the expectation of considering others feelings in this situation has to be limited - she should consider her husband's feelings and her parents'/siblings' feelings and your son should consider her feelings and your family's. Assuming that they have reached a compromise between themselves that they are OK with (and despite your son missing his wife some years, it sounds like they have), then I think that how things have been for 16 years is reasonable.

I think you should stop thinking of your actions as being compromising for her as this is making you resentful and hoping that your DIL will put your wants over her own family on this particular day of the year is unreasonable. It's great that you rotated Christmas between your 2 families in your youth, however that was your choice, between you and your husband. She and your son have reached their own choice in how to manage this day.

I always say to my 3 DS that we assume they'll be with in laws but if it changes then let us know. They are very happy we have never raised an issue. Best keep quiet for keeping the peace.

@Fudgemonkeys why do you assume your DS will be with in-laws? Why do we bring up boys to think that their family isn’t as important

Because the girl leaves everything she knows to be where he is. Surely this is the least he can do? *Rhetoric

16 years and she has never once bothered to come to her husband's family at Xmas let alone New 'Year one assumes - that is total disrespect and more fool your Son for allowing it but he must be complicit in it by some degree. YANBU AT ALL. Time to tackle your Son in the first instance if you aren't confident enough to tackle your DIL - however, maybe she doesn't know and thinks you don't want her - did you ever think about that. Something odd going on here.

My in laws are always upset that we don’t go to them for Christmas. Our rationale is simply that we want our children to wake up in their own home on Christmas Day so they get to open all of their presents. We don’t want to spend 2.5 hours driving on Christmas Day to see them.
However they are invited every year to ours if they wish. As are my parents. They’re still upset we won’t go to their house but I feel that we’ve offered a sensible compromise with the children at the centre. Husband whole heartedly agrees and we asked the children this year and they’d rather be home too.

Yes, to someone else's reply on this thread.

I think it's a bit mean of her really but it isn't worth getting upset about it if otherwise things are fine between you.

That’s Christmas politics

Op, you mentioned that you have a secular Christmas. Maybe dil’s family go to church on Christmas Eve/Day or otherwise mark Christmas in a religious way (blessing at table, religious Christmas hymns etc). So it is meaningful to her to be with them specifically on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in addition to seeing distant siblings.

What times does dil family have their Christmas dinner? Could you have your dinner several hours before or after, and they could both be at your house half of the day and the other half at hers? That could be too frantic for them to go back and forth but worth considering.

Or, have a mini Christmas with them before Christmas so that the ‘shine’ of Christmas is not gone like it feels like when it is several days past Christmas. Another idea is to move your whole family Christmas to before the day itself so you can have everybody there. Hope you can work it out, I can see both your side and hers.

YANBU.

My husband and I both come from large families. He is one of 4, (siblings are all female, 37, 24, 20 and the oldest has 2 children of 10 and, 13) and I am one of 3, (my siblings are male 30, 25 and again the oldest has 1 daughter). Christmas has never been an issue even when we first started dating as my family are really big on Christmas Eve, we all peel the veg together and listen to Christmas music the adults normally have a couple of drinks and we take turns wrapping other peoples gifts because my parents never wrap ahead of time. Then the big Christmas Day is normally 15 - 20 people including kids and 5 dogs because we have 2, my youngest brother has 2 and my mum has one. However DH family like to have Christmas Day just them and the younger siblings we were never told not to go but they always preferred it the way it was done. So Boxing Day at the crack of dawn we would make our way 182 miles and visit DH family for 3/4 days. I do have to say though both houses are bedlam whichever we are at. DFIL and DMIL have about 12-15 people for dinner so always mental their also.

I have always offered to take turns each year with them but they do like this arrangement. I now live 182 miles from my parents but we still do Christmas eve and day with them and then on Boxing Day.

We now have a child but still do the same l.

So I feel you are not been unreasonable for wanting your whole family together. However could you maybe compromise that she sees her family on Christmas Eve and day and you on Boxing Day and see what she thinks? It cannot harm to ask :).

When we married DH and I went to his parents for Xmas. It was ok very kind and generous of them but his family don’t really make much of Xmas (no cranberry or bread sauce 😂 ) My Mum hadn’t told us but she had underwent tests for cancer. She hadn’t wanted to ruin anyones Xmas and planned on telling us after Boxing Day. Despite invitations to dinner at my sisters and mine she to chose.(insisted upon) Xmas and boxing day alone that year, She had cancer and was dead by the following October. How I wish that I spent that Xmas with her. Life is too short.. Tomorrow, nothing or nobody is guaranteed.

Tbh I like Christmas with just DH and DS. Don't go to the in laws and don't go to my family either.

You are being unreasonable - this is not something you’re allowed to demand of a sentient adult.

You’re allowed to FEEL sad - that’s fine. People are allowed feelings.

But in no universe are you allowed to voice your opinion that your DIL owes you her presence every other Christmas Day.

What’s the big deal about Christmas Day, anyway? Do your son and DIL visit you at other times of the year? If so, why isn’t that good enough for you?

You could try to make this demand, I guess… but you definitely won’t achieve what you want to achieve. You’ll just irritate your son and DIL. Guaranteed.