To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

If some of her family live in France, it’s more difficult for them to arrange a family get together. You could arrange your family get together (with all your family) for New Year’s Eve. You also have the rest of the year to see them and arrange a whole family get together as often as you want. Not saying this is the case in your family, but the problem is many people seem to think a whole family get together can only happen on Christmas Day and put a huge pressure to play happy families when they aren’t really a close family & hardly see each other the rest of the year.

DIL sees her siblings twice a year, one of those times being Christmas. MIL wants DIL to skip one of the visits with the siblings or to make ALL of DIL family change their Christmas plans. I don't understand how people don't understand that family you rarely get to see or have special needs (know it is not on this, just throwing it out there) have priority on these days due to how much more difficult it is for them to get together on the holidays. No one thinks MIL needs to throw another Christmas shindig. We are all just wondering why spending the day with her family on New years isn't good enough for her, or on the days leading up to Christmas, or right after. When I was young, we spent Christmas Eve with one side and then Christmas with another. Since the travel to my maternal grandmother's house was longer for everyone, she got Christmas and paternal side got Christmas eve. Right now, everyone on one side comes to my house. The rest live in a different state.

Hmmm. You answered me and invented a scenario. But OK. As long as you're in the right place.🤷‍♀️

Weird, unless I accidentally hit quote and pasted in what I meant to quote in a fresh post. My apologies for any confusion.

After 16 years its their tradition and too late to say anything.

When they ask for a second Christmas- get them to host it!

Ummmmmmmmm

MIL is that you?

This is why Christmas is a pain in the arse and causes conflict. Until I had kids I always went back to my own family and my OH to his. My family is more fun!

And this is why I hate Christmas, too much pressure, too many expectations. It's one day out of 365 .

I like that - they have Christmas their way with none of the planning, preparation, thought and responsibility it entails. They just rock up to the in laws with a few gifts and think that's all there is to it. When they have to do it for themselves and realise the effort and cost they might think differently about it.

Or DIL is just happy to not do that and isn't that bothered at all about Christmas with her inlaws.

This. There are some battles you should just never wage and this is one of them. It’s down to them and just proceed with Christmas according to your own plans. Good and harmonious relations are far more important, in these circumstances, than getting your knickers in a knot over what is essentially one day out of 365. And I guess you could say, you have them all year round.. whereas her family do not. And on that note, at least the whole family doesn’t go

I have to say OP some of your replies are quite prickly and a bit sarcastic. I understand people maybe are criticising. But my take is this. Families are different and you already have a lot of people coming at Christmas. It sounds like it's very important to your DIL to go to her family at Christmas. Maybe it's very important to her to be with her siblings then and it doesn't sound like she sees them that often. Maybe she really really enjoys it and it's hugely important for her. If you like her and care about her why expect her not to do that? It's so clear from her behaviour that it's important to her and that isn't going to change. Or else she might be being especially guilted over it, but then you don't want to get into competing over that! I think you are being unreasonable to expect her to have to do Christmas day with you, frankly. It sounds like you get on and she's nice to you and you have an ok relationship and you get to see them normally so why get resentful over this one thing? I think it's unreasonable to expect her to do an hour here or an hour there or whatever too. If you were on your own it might be different. If you didn't get to see them that's different. But you seem to have a particular idea of christmas in your head and you seem to be moving it around or doing two and resenting her for it. If your son really wants to come to yours, he will do. If you don't want to move things around, just don't. Why not just leave them at Christmas and see them other times?

If two christmases are hard work just say you find it too much and you'd rather not do that anymore and just see them in a more low-key way.

It's important to bear in mind that no matter how well individuals get on that extended family dos can be a strain and not as enjoyable for everyone. Some people love that sort of thing, others dread it and that can have less to do with how much people like each other and more to with personality types. The set-up you describe for example would be my idea of hell. Not because I don't like and care for people. But I like seeing people in smaller numbers.

It seems like you are justifying resentment by saying they are making you move things about. But why do you have to? You talk a lot about consideration. But these are your ideas and rules. It seems to me that they are a married couple long established and can spend christmas how they like. They could just chose to spend it on their own entirely. It sounds like you see them at other times of the year and around the christmas period too if you want to, so I don't think in comparison to many people you have a lot to complain about in fact.

I’m quite torn….. I find myself to be a very reasonable DIL and in the past we have taken turns to visit each of our families for Christmas.

fact of it is that both are families are in England so we do get to see them, if it’s the one time of year that she can be together with her whole family I think you’re going to have to accept that it won’t happen.

could you not make a big deal of other occasions instead to get the whole family together? I have young kids so we make a big deal about Easter and Halloween we decorate the whole house. You could always make one of those dates YOUR family time or maybe do a mini Christmas Day the Sunday before Christmas? My in laws are having their Christmas on the 18th with the kids whole family before the fly off on holiday for Christmas

I don't usually reply to stuff like this but am sick of people using Christmas to justify pressuring people into doing stuff. As others have pointed out being somewhere you don't feel happy or having a guest that is unhappy to be there is a waste of everyone's time. If you see your DIL and son other times of the year where her family do not then really your seeing more of her than her own family. Go do something you want to do and enjoy the day for you. Christmas is over commercialised and we are all pressured into believing if we aren't surrounded by all our family on one day of the year that somehow its ruined. Hope you have a good Christmas anyway

p1 "we get on very well otherwise" p3 'we get on very well normally "p13 "I like her very much otherwise. Which is probably why it rankles. If I did not get on with her and enjoy her company I probably would not want her over for Xmas" p57 "I love having DiL's after years in an all male household. Its great to have all three of them around. I love buying girly presents for a change and we have similar tastes in books, music, food" p74 "I like my DiL enough to consider her one of the family" p84 I value my relationships with my DiL and son too much to deliver such take it or leave it ultimatums"

p76 "and no I am not expecting my children to do exactly the same as I did"

You really did not read all the posts did you?

Easter is the other day her family all get together, for a big Easter Egg exchange and bonnet parade.

Hallowe'en, really? What are we all supposed to do? All go out trick or treating? As regards hosting some other day, I think I have made it tediously clear that that is what we have been doing for the last 16 years.

and why isn't hosting the family on NYE good enough for DiL family for once in a while?

The thing is OP, with all this sarcasm all the time on this thread, especially like above to those who have not been mean to you in any way, I'm wondering if perhaps what you think is the case is not quite how it comes across to others? You say you don't pressurise, but surely you can see trying to book a cottage and get an agreement to spend christmas with you there 18 months in advance is absolutely pressuring? You are trying to make them come, maybe you see it as a treat, but she hummed and hawed because she clearly didn't want to do this, she wants to go to her family. And you know this and knew it at the time. So to do this is a way of trying to push the issue and pressure them into coming by trying to force a decision and commitment. You say things like you know "from three different sources" about her family christmas. I mean, that sounds a bit odd to be honest.Your sarcastic tone for a lot of this thread isn't coming across as a whole heap of fun really and isn't coming across like you do have a really great relationship with her. You may like your DIL, but I wonder if your resentment comes across more than you know, because it comes across very loudly here. Saying your son "had to put his foot down" is also ridiculous and comes across as a very strange way of putting things to me and highly inappropriate about someone else's marriage and decisions. It doesn't at all sound from anything you've said here like your DIL is stopping your son coming to yours.

I agree your unpleasantness is coming across in buckets op. Thinly disguised at the beginning, but now it's there for all to see.
If you are this sarcastic and self righteous in real.life, comparing people who disagree with you with racists and daily mail readers, no wonder your dil avoids you.

"and why isn't hosting the family on NYE good enough for DiL family for once in a while?"

But I don't understand why you are so intent for her to come to yours on Christmas day? This one person? Why? Why is it anything to do with how she is with her family? Just leave her be surely. If you're honest, is it really that you're so wanting her to come or is it because you think your son is less likely to chose to come to yours? If so, that's a different issue and not really your DIL's fault.

I really do not think my tone has been in anyway as nasty and aggressive as some of the posters on here. And if they are not bothering to read my posts (see C8H10etc above) but then lecture me for some fault they have completely made up, then yes, I reserve the right to push back.

You will just have to take my word for it that any sarcasm that creeps in is in response to the utter imbecility of some of the ideas/suggestions. My relationship with DiL is far more harmonious, and she would probably be horrified to know that it bothers me this much.

ah, Hufflepuff has woken up, with his/her completely sensible points.

How does DIL get on with the rest of the family? My MIL will probably never know but my SIL liked to make not so subtle, snarky comments I could only just overhear (not sure if that was by design), and that was the last Christmas I went there.

Excellent way to prove my point.