To expect my DiL to come to us for Xmas?

[maryanne3]

Another year, and yet again my daughter in law has announced that she will be going to her parents for Xmas. She says DS can do as he chooses, and in the past he has just come to us by himself; but I know he misses being with her at Xmas. We get along well with her otherwise, and I understand that she comes from a big family, some of whom live in France, and it is difficult to organise them all getting together over Xmas, but they have been a couple for 16 years now and she has never come to us for the day. AIBU to expect that we get a turn every other year?

My philosophy with holidays is that I get at most 18 years with each child that I get to decide what we do. After that, I can make plans and request their participation, but can’t make them attend, nor would I want to. My husband and I have chosen our traditions with this in mind. We are prepared to modify them once our children are adults and can decide for themselves how they want to spend their holidays.

We do Christmas with just us and our children. We don’t go to the homes of relatives on Christmas Eve or Day. We are making sure we get to enjoy our time with our children on our terms and are hoping we create memories that they also enjoy. If we celebrate with other relatives, it is always on another day.

We don’t care if others think we are selfish. We are making memories for ourselves and our children. We don’t expect anyone to accommodate us and move their celebrations to another day. We just expect them to accept the fact that we won’t be there on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. We accept the fact that when our children are grown, we will probably have to celebrate on a different day and will most likely miss celebrating in person with some of our children some years.

It seems to me that many people of my generation share my philosophy and are focused on pleasing themselves when it comes to holidays. My own parents and in-laws were focused on doing Christmas at the grandparents’s house and were expecting their turn once they became the grandparents.

It was sometimes difficult for them to accept that they wasted their years when their children were minors. We am not saying that they didn’t enjoy their Christmases, just that they wasted their opportunities to decide on the plans. We aren’t willing to do that and feel that we are more than able to graciously accept the loss of our traditional family Christmas when the time comes because we have taken those days for ourselves.

OP, you are not unreasonable to be disappointed and to wish things were different, but your DIL is also not unreasonable to do what makes her happy for Christmas. I’m sorry that you and others in your generation were pressured into giving up your ideal celebrations to appease cultural norms and other relatives.

I think you sound like a lovely MIL/mom and I’m sure your son and DIL treasure their relationships with you. My advice is to plan your Christmas celebration on the day that best fits your schedule. If that is Christmas Day because that is when your other children are available, then schedule it for that day. Invite son and DIL and accept the fact that they probably won’t attend. If you are willing to do a smaller celebration with them separately on an alternative day, schedule that with them. If everyone is willing to celebrate another day, then do the full Christmas on that day. As hard as it may be, in the long run, it would be best to let go of the idea of everyone being together Christmas Day and focus on having a wonderful celebration whatever day you can all get together.

It sounds to me like everyone in this situation are lovely people who genuinely enjoy spending time with each other. I don’t think anyone is entitled, just there are expectations not being met and intentions are being misunderstood.

If they have children they will hopefully be allowed to create their own Christmas.

I think 'expecting' is probably unreasonable. We have three adult kids....two of them have family, the third doesnt but lives the other side of the world. The faraway one now comes home every Christmas to see Siblings and their kids and us. One alternates between us and his in laws, we have never asked them to do this, but they chose to. The third lives nearby and we see them lots, both us and the inlaws are local so we see them over Christmas every year. We have never had the situation you have. If you see your son and wife regularly throughout the year then I can understand her desire to be with her family as she appears to only see them all twice a year. I would be inclined to suggest your son goes with his wife and arrange your own Christmas with them at an earlier/later date.

Christmas politics ruin Christmas just appreciate any company you have

But that's the point! It shouldn't be that big a deal it's just one day like you say. So it really wouldn't matter if DIL spent it with the OPs family occasionally.

I'm with you OP - when I married my DH his family became my family, when I am making plans I consider everyone. I think your DIL is selfish and while you continue to facilitate two Christmases they will never spend Christmas Day with you. 16 years - f*ck that. Next year do not ask if they are coming, don't offer an alternative day for a second 'Christmas' just for them. Leave it for them to ask you and you might find things change. It's not about expecting them to come - it's about being considerate of others feelings and your DIL thinks only of herself. TBH she doesn't think of your sons feelings either as she cares very little about what he might want as well.

Christmas with her parents is clearly a huge deal for her. In your situation I'd just tell DS to stay with his wife, I'd be mortified if I thought he felt obligated to come to mine.
I would just focus on your other family and accept that this I'd the way things are.
I spent many early Christmases away from DH as we both felt we needed to visit our parents (who lived 300miles apart). It was bloody awful and something that I still regret doing.

Why don't you call everyone's bluff and book yourselves on a Christmas cruise. I fully intend doing this one day.

Haven't RTFT. I think you have to acknowledge that if she doesn't want to come to you then there must be a good reason. If you really want to move forward then ask her that reason and you might learn something

I will not be bothering with Christmas at my IL's again for the forseable future. This is because they are totally welcome in my house and to see my dd the other 364 days of the year but pretty much never bother. It's also because last year they deliberately didn't tell me and my dh that they were going out for a slap up meal with precious SIL and her dh and kids. We only found out coz we popped over on Christmas day to exchange gifts and they were all there dressed up. Fuck that. No way am I exposing myself or my dd to that negativity on one of the most important and memorable days of the year. I'll be spending it with people who actually want our company thanks.

Maybe you can improve your relationship enough to spend future Christmases with her, maybe not. Either way you're just going to have to suck it up and remember that you have every other day of the year to show her and gc that you love them... if indeed you actually do...

This is the be part of Christmas that stresses me out. The expectations.

Yes, it is unfair.

it's obvious she's not happy and makes us feel really guilty. If you think that she is this unhappy, you should make an effort once every 3-4 years and spend Xmas day with her. It would be a nice thing to do.

How about you go and spend Easter with your siblings that live abroad? or New Year Eve?

I didn’t go to mils for Xmas until we had children. And it’s certainly not one year with them and one with my mother. I’m afraid you shouldn’t moan

I think your DIL is being a bit of a brat, even though I do empathise with her. I would LOVE to spend every Christmas with my own family and never really enjoy the ones with my in-laws (they're lovely, but it's just not the Christmas I grew up with!), but then DH likely feels the same about Christmases with my family. We alternate, because it's more important that he and I spend Christmas together and we're all one extended family. Since children we do tend to host though, so we're not schlepping around the country.

Could you suggest to your son that he and DIL host both sides of the family next year?

You sound lovely

It’s about time we were able to edit on here!

It’s very nasty if she doesn’t care what her husband does for Christmas as long as she goes to her family!

I've read all 98 of your posts on this subject and the most striking thing is that not once in those 98 posts have you actually said you like your DiL, you miss her company, you enjoy spending time with her.

The whole line of your argument has been that you are entitled to expect her attendance and that you endured unenjoyable Christmases for years and therefore your family should do as well.

You shift from suggesting this is a mutually agreed arrangement between them to your DS only doing this because she forces him and makes things difficult. Frankly that is for DS to decide but couples each going to their own family is not uncommon if there are no children to consider.

They suggest doing Christmas with you on another day when her overseas family are not there and that is too much trouble for you.

If you had once, in all those posts talked about feeling sad that she wasn't there because you like her I'd have some sympathy. It strikes me your DiL wants to spend time with the family she only sees a couple of times per year but also with people who actually like her.

I am. I got on very well with my husband’s family and I was very fair with visiting his family and my family.

But @Freddosforall that isn't completely accurate, it is only some family members of the DIL that live abroad and she does see those people more than just at Christmas. DIL's parents don't live that far apart from OP

Please leave the couple be and don't throw an anchor in, which would spoil the couple arrangement. Instead, maybe get your son to join his wife and make it known to him that, that isn't going to upset you.

DIL has every right to be where she wishes to be. Obliging to sharing special occasions with certain family members to avoid upsetting them, is very entitled, manipulative and imposing of said family member in my opinion.

We all know of enough in law drama and specifically MIL drama to know YABVU.

This arrangement works for them, so
you mind your own business.

Or, from her perspective, she has the chance to see her family ONLY twice a year and is called a selfish b and should be slapped for wanting to do so?

Grow up.

Huh I have no idea how I did that, sorry!

It’s up to them - my other half and I have separate Christmases with our families and have done for the last 12, since we got together. Of course we miss each other on the day but honestly, until kids get involved, we want to be there for our families.

When we do have kids, we’ll start having Christmas at home, and head to various family the week after, so no, I still won’t see my MIL on Christmas Day. But that’s fine, I see her lots at other times of the year and on the day there’s always Facetime!

FWIW I will never spend Christmas with my in laws. Don’t want to, did it once, no desire to repeat. DH not bothered either way.