stuck into giving lift to close friend

[gloriamoi]

Live in small town and have 2 mates. We meet every friday and saturday night at Jane's flat and chill out. Problem is that Susan now,who doesn't drive, has moved about 2 miles away and needs a lift home every time. It's 2 miles out of my way-adding about 10 minutes on to my journey home.

Starting to feel resentful over this but don't have it in me to say no. I'm thinking of just not joining them anymore.

For those saying it’s only 2 miles/10 minutes out of your way. I have this with an ex work friend. Every time we make plans to meet up in a group she texts to ask for a lift as her husband has the car. It’s 10 minutes out of my way but there are loads of diversions where she lives and I don’t know the area or the huge estate she lives on that well so very frequently end up getting lost and arriving home late. I get resentful because she has the expectation that I will pick her up and drop her off. So OP I understand.

Like I said you have choices, if you aren't that bothered about seeing them then don't. If you want to see them then either give her the lift, ask her for petrol money or tell her you aren't giving lifts. It is your decision.

Why did you ask if YABU if you're going to get sulky and then make up your own answers?

That's a massive stretch.

If the man was part of the friendship group and all other details were the same, I'm sure most would say what they've already said.

Geez, you're recovering from a brain tumour - you don't need the extra stress of driving out of your way on unfamiliar little roads at night when you just want to go home and chill afterwards. If you weren't there, how would Susan get home? How does she even get there? It's all very odd, and a bit unfair.

So, to summarise:

1. You’re all close friends but your only contact is this twice a week 90 mins watching tv together.
2. You’re close friends but Susan hasn’t ever said in passing ‘BIL brought me’ or anything else
3. You’ve not asked, casually when you get there ‘oh, you’re here already, how did you get here?’
4. Jane never picks up on it
5. You’re close friends but don’t know what to buy for each other food wise.
6. You’ve assumed Susan won’t pay if you just say casually, I’m going to have to cut back on these, really struggling to afford the fuel - prices are eye-watering’ in front of them both.

You’re not friends. How old are you all out of interest?

Resentment like this will eat away at you. Most people would be happy to do this for a close friend.

OP has asked Susan for petrol money before on previous occasions.
Susan therefore doesn't need to be a genius to figure out that offering petrol money would be appropriate.

This Friday, turn up at Jane's house without your car, and get a taxi home, or the bus, if there is one. Break the pattern. Susan will either have to walk or use public transport to get home. You could be canny with the truth and say you've got car problems, or you can't afford to run a car any longer.

Does Susan have her own money? Does her partner drive? I couldn’t imagine just expecting a lift twice a week even for a short journey without offering anything.

OP if you’re not prepared to say Susan, money is really tight for me right now so I’m afraid I can’t give lifts anymore unless you’re contributing then you need to decide whether the company and friendship twice a week is worth the cost and inconvenience.

Realistically you’re living in the back end of nowhere with very money and coping with illness so your options regarding making new friends right now don’t sound great. You’re free to just stop going or to refuse lifts of course but what you decide will obviously have consequences for you in terms of your already very limited social life. Whether any of us think giving regular lifts is fine or a pain in the arse doesn’t really matter but you need to consider whether you’d be cutting off your nose to spite your face if you stop going.

This is it.

@gloriamoi you've got a couple of options, what do you think you want to do?

I'm confused OP, and I know this isn't what you are asking, however the whole scenario seems messed up.

You are going to Jane's house twice a week to watch TV for an hour.
Why only an hour, thats not a lot of time to watch anything! Do you chatter about anything or just tv?

Are you bringing Jane snacks but none of you eat them? You are just handing it over because?

How does the other one get there?

I think you are being taken for a mug by both actually. I do understand why you go but everything about it seems joyless. Would it be better to go once a week but for longer? Have plans to watch a specific film and everyone bring their own drink and popcorn? Perhaps even order a pizza in to share? I think you need to look at all of it and decide if anything can be changed so you can look forward to it.

I think the lift problem is a symbol of you wanting to break from the monotony of it all. If not, then I do apologise.

I think that most people would be happy to do this for a friend-if the friend didn't seem to expect it & they could easily afford it!

Do they think that you are rolling in money because of the job you used to do?

Yeah, and we wouldn’t say the same if your local zookeeper was asking you to take giraffes for a ride cos you have a sunroof. It’s a totally different situation!

Susan is supposedly a good enough friend for you to spend 1.5 hours watching TV with every Fri and Sat.

Yet, not a good enough friend that you want to spend any extra time with her in the car:

“I just want to go home, not drape 2 miles up back roads to her house and back down at the end of the night.”

When I drop friends home, we carry on the chat, often end up parked up outside their house still chatting!

This is hardly any extra time at all, so I think that if you originally offered / agreed to collect her, she just fairly assumed that was a permanent offer. For such a small amount of time, half of which is spent with a supposed friend, I think it’s fine if she didn’t realise it was going to become a big deal for you. If my friend was constantly re-thanking me, I’d get annoyed and tell her to hush!

If your illness means it’s too tiring to extend the evening to include her, reduce the time at Jane’s.

If you can’t afford the extra petrol money - tell her. Or speak to Jane as well and say you need to do the fuel cost instead of bringing Jane chocolate 2x a week! Jane isn’t really hosting anything, is she? In fact, Jane has it easiest so definitely doesn’t need to be brought chocolate twice a week if you can’t afford it!

Or just stop going and meet another way with Jane, because it doesn’t seem as if you actually like Susan 🤷🏻‍♀️

Could one of your parents give you a lift occasionally, so you could say that you can’t ask them to go further out of the way, meaning that she can’t rely on you for a lift.

Or, living rurally in the North in Scotland, will give you the perfect opportunity to stop these lifts pretty soon. When the roads start to get icy, say that you don’t feel happy to drive her home! She may say that you are already out, but say if you get stuck on the way home, you could manage to walk the rest of the way, but couldn’t if you got stuck further away!

I'll have a go...

"Hi Susan, I've been struggling a bit with my health and finances recently! Would you be able to get to mine under your own steam for our socials, to save me the extra driving on the way there? And would you be able to give me £X a week for the added petrol? Thanks"

If she doesn't reply with sympathy and questions about what you've said, then I'll be inclined to agree she's a CF @gloriamoi

At the next meeting park your car a short distance away out of sight from Janes. When you leave and Susan automatically leaves with you just start walking in the opposite direction to the direction Susan needs to go. When she questions where the car is just say you had no money left for petrol so you've walked.

Only if you don't care about potentially losing the frienship of both of them though?!

At the next meeting park your car a short distance away out of sight from Janes. When you leave and Susan automatically leaves with you just start walking in the opposite direction to the direction Susan needs to go. When she questions where the car is just say you had no money left for petrol so you've walked

I might do this.

All those saying she risks annoying Susan and Jane and losing the friendship if she isn't going to be Susan's free taxi... so what type of friends are they to OP if they drop her for this then?
@gloriamoi How did the lift providing start? Is it likely Susan is already there before you arrive for dinner etc and the hour you're there us literally to be her taxi home?

This is pathetic. Just speak to her for fucks sake!!

All those saying she risks annoying Susan and Jane and losing the friendship if she isn't going to be Susan's free taxi... so what type of friends are they to OP if they drop her for this then?

That isn't what posters are saying though.

Of course OP doesn't need to just be a free taxi, but there are different ways of dealing this rather than just refusing to go.

Only OP knows if the frienships are worth it or not, it's her choice.

You're a grown woman, you don't need to do this.

But if lies and deception are better to you in a friendship than honesty, I guess you might as well.

How did the lift providing start? Is it likely Susan is already there before you arrive for dinner etc and the hour you're there us literally to be her taxi home

since she moved to new house a few weeks ago. Not to drip feed but I addressed this to Jane today and she agreed and said she had the same problems with Susan.