Page 10 | stuck into giving lift to close friend

gloriamoi · 2022-11-07T09:03:34+00:00

Live in small town and have 2 mates. We meet every friday and saturday night at Jane's flat and chill out. Problem is that Susan now,who doesn't drive, has moved about 2 miles away and needs a lift home every time. It's 2 miles out of my way-adding about 10 minutes on to my journey home. Starting to feel resentful over this but don't have it in me to say no. I'm thinking of just not joining them anymore.

Haysmiths · 07/11/2022 13:49

gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 13:36

At the next meeting park your car a short distance away out of sight from Janes. When you leave and Susan automatically leaves with you just start walking in the opposite direction to the direction Susan needs to go. When she questions where the car is just say you had no money left for petrol so you've walked

I might do this.

Crazy - why avoid just telling her what you feel or what you would like?

All this is doing is just avoiding the situation. Imagine if you walked off, she gets a cab and see you by your car? You'll just be getting yourself into an awkward situation and opening up yourself to more lies.

pewtypie · 07/11/2022 13:55

gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 13:36

At the next meeting park your car a short distance away out of sight from Janes. When you leave and Susan automatically leaves with you just start walking in the opposite direction to the direction Susan needs to go. When she questions where the car is just say you had no money left for petrol so you've walked

I might do this.

I like it !

Choconut · 07/11/2022 13:55

What about speaking to Jane about it? You could say you're not sure how to handle it as it's difficult situation but you're finding it a bit much to have to take Susan home every time you meet up and does she have any ideas on how you could handle it.

She probably knows how Susan gets there which could be helpful and might know that Susan could get home easily another way if it weren't for you being so convenient. Alternatively if she's horrified that you wouldn't desperately want to drop Susan off every time then you know it's probably not going to go over well with Susan either and take a step back if that's what you want.

Do you enjoy going OP? Or is it just better than doing nothing? Or do you not really like it but it's just a habit? I can't tell if these meet ups are important to you or just a bit of a hassle all round.

Original poster

gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 13:56

Do you enjoy going OP? Or is it just better than doing nothing? Or do you not really like it but it's just a habit? I can't tell if these meet ups are important to you or just a bit of a hassle all round

i do enjoy it, it's my main social interaction but this is niggling at me and somewhat taking the gloss of it.

OP posts:

rookiemere · 07/11/2022 14:00

I really wouldn't do the parking round the corner and pretending you didn't bring the car with you - what if one of them see you driving past or the parked car - you'll look totally crazed.

Instead I think walking or getting a lift from
Your DPs a couple of times is the way to go. Walking is particularly effective because it impacts Susan a lot more than you as you've only got one mile to her three. You can say it's because you're worried about driving and petrol costs.

strupel · 07/11/2022 14:07

gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 13:56

Do you enjoy going OP? Or is it just better than doing nothing? Or do you not really like it but it's just a habit? I can't tell if these meet ups are important to you or just a bit of a hassle all round

i do enjoy it, it's my main social interaction but this is niggling at me and somewhat taking the gloss of it.

In that case OP I would have a heart to heart with Susan and explain how you feel.

If she comes across as indifferent or rude, then you can take it from there. But sometimes people are just oblivious, which is hopefully the case here.

Peashoots · 07/11/2022 14:16

What similar problems has Jane had?

MaggieFS · 07/11/2022 14:18

gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 10:25

A sensible arrangement would be Jane hosts, you drive and other person brings some food/drink - each makes a contribution

I can't eat most foods due to health problems. Jayne has bad nut allergy too so is very careful with foods.

Given you are good friends and there's only three of you, it wouldn't be that hard for Susan to learn what's suitable?

a1poshpaws · 07/11/2022 14:30

Cheeseandlobster · 07/11/2022 09:18

Maybe Jane feels resentful that she has to host all the time. Could you meet somewhere else sometimes? A bar for a meal or a dessert parlour type place. If it's on a public transport route then Susan can get home under her own steam

Now, that sounds exactly right to me. (Haven't read the whole thread though.)

Having said that, back to main question from OP. 20 minutes total isn't very much or much petrol, for a close friend. If you're really broke tell her you don't have enough cash left for the petrol you'd need - it's quite possible that as a non-car driver, she's not even aware of the financial aspect.

SandAndSea · 07/11/2022 15:05

OP, I get you. This sort of thing would (and has) bugged me too. I think, if you want to keep the friendship, you're going to have to face it. Could you msg her something like:

"Hi! Sorry to bring this up but money's so tight atm, I'm going to have to ask you for petrol money for our weekends. Would £* a trip be OK? X"

I don't know what's reasonable - £2??

I think you'll feel much better once you've dealt with this and her reply will tell you all you need to know.

inamarina · 07/11/2022 16:06

Harrysnippleno3 · 07/11/2022 09:59

Friendships always confuse me. I am autistic though so see it through different eyes. However I can't imagine giving any thought at all to giving a lift to a friend. Even with the expectation. If it was a true friend. I suspect you can't like her that much, or is this kind of thing common in usual friend groups? I choose to have very few friends but I would do anything to help those few.

This is how I feel too. There doesn’t seem to be much warmth or affection within this friendship group.

Fancylike · 07/11/2022 16:23

This is such an odd, transactional way to view a friendship, saying you don’t benefit from dropping her home. Sometimes people do something nice for others, because they can.

If it truly bothers you, that you don’t think you benefit from her company, tally up the exact cost of the petrol used and the percentage of your previous job’s hourly wage spent in the car. Present the itemized invoice to her once you’ve pulled up at her door. Then she can decide if it’s of benefit to her to continue being your friend.

inamarina · 07/11/2022 16:27

gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 10:59

It's a culmination of not being asked if it's ok, not offering petrol money, assuming it's happening, and being selfish

but even offering/asking isn't enough because she knows I'll feel pressure to say no. If she'd insist on getting her own transport or leaving cash on the dash I'd be cooler with it

But what would her transport be if she doesn’t drive and you live (by the sound of it) in the middle of nowhere? Probably only taxi and how rare/ expensive are they where you live?
I also find it a bit odd that her offering payment wouldn’t be enough - why would you feel pressured to decline it?

pewtypie · 07/11/2022 16:28

Fancylike · 07/11/2022 16:23

This is such an odd, transactional way to view a friendship, saying you don’t benefit from dropping her home. Sometimes people do something nice for others, because they can.

If it truly bothers you, that you don’t think you benefit from her company, tally up the exact cost of the petrol used and the percentage of your previous job’s hourly wage spent in the car. Present the itemized invoice to her once you’ve pulled up at her door. Then she can decide if it’s of benefit to her to continue being your friend.

What a smarmy response.

I bet you would feel differently if someone told you you're dropping them home twice a week.

SandAndSea · 07/11/2022 16:30

inamarina · 07/11/2022 16:06

This is how I feel too. There doesn’t seem to be much warmth or affection within this friendship group.

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Isn't it a matter of degree and reciprocity? To me, there needs to be reciprocity for a healthy relationship to be sustained over time. It sounds like there's one person in this group not contributing very much, which she may or may not realise. In my experience, that sort of thing can build up until people become resentful. The trick is to catch it before someone blows or the relationships are otherwise ruined.

rookiemere · 07/11/2022 16:31

Fancylike · 07/11/2022 16:23

This is such an odd, transactional way to view a friendship, saying you don’t benefit from dropping her home. Sometimes people do something nice for others, because they can.

If it truly bothers you, that you don’t think you benefit from her company, tally up the exact cost of the petrol used and the percentage of your previous job’s hourly wage spent in the car. Present the itemized invoice to her once you’ve pulled up at her door. Then she can decide if it’s of benefit to her to continue being your friend.

But friendships are transactional. It's just that money is not the only currency.

If Susan had asked for the lifts and indeed been super grateful to OP for them "Thanks for dropping me off, totally saves me having to get a taxi so I really appreciate it. Shall we split petrol costs?" then I doubt OP will have posted. It's the assumption that OP will do it without explicitly asking that would stick in my craw. Oh and the lack of offer of petrol money, or if that's too crass for some, buying OP her favourite allergy tolerant snacks.

pewtypie · 07/11/2022 16:32

SandAndSea · 07/11/2022 16:30

Isn't it a matter of degree and reciprocity? To me, there needs to be reciprocity for a healthy relationship to be sustained over time. It sounds like there's one person in this group not contributing very much, which she may or may not realise. In my experience, that sort of thing can build up until people become resentful. The trick is to catch it before someone blows or the relationships are otherwise ruined.

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Well said.

pewtypie · 07/11/2022 16:32

rookiemere · 07/11/2022 16:31

But friendships are transactional. It's just that money is not the only currency.

If Susan had asked for the lifts and indeed been super grateful to OP for them "Thanks for dropping me off, totally saves me having to get a taxi so I really appreciate it. Shall we split petrol costs?" then I doubt OP will have posted. It's the assumption that OP will do it without explicitly asking that would stick in my craw. Oh and the lack of offer of petrol money, or if that's too crass for some, buying OP her favourite allergy tolerant snacks.

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Also well said.

Rookie - you should post more

goodmourning · 07/11/2022 16:41

pewtypie · 07/11/2022 16:28

What a smarmy response.

I bet you would feel differently if someone told you you're dropping them home twice a week.

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i don’t think you know what smarmy means

pewtypie · 07/11/2022 16:51

@goodmourning it seems you’re blind to the smarminess and smugness in your own post.

inamarina · 07/11/2022 17:06

Testina · 07/11/2022 13:16

Yeah, and we wouldn’t say the same if your local zookeeper was asking you to take giraffes for a ride cos you have a sunroof. It’s a totally different situation!

Susan is supposedly a good enough friend for you to spend 1.5 hours watching TV with every Fri and Sat.

Yet, not a good enough friend that you want to spend any extra time with her in the car:

“I just want to go home, not drape 2 miles up back roads to her house and back down at the end of the night.”

When I drop friends home, we carry on the chat, often end up parked up outside their house still chatting!

This is hardly any extra time at all, so I think that if you originally offered / agreed to collect her, she just fairly assumed that was a permanent offer. For such a small amount of time, half of which is spent with a supposed friend, I think it’s fine if she didn’t realise it was going to become a big deal for you. If my friend was constantly re-thanking me, I’d get annoyed and tell her to hush!

If your illness means it’s too tiring to extend the evening to include her, reduce the time at Jane’s.

If you can’t afford the extra petrol money - tell her. Or speak to Jane as well and say you need to do the fuel cost instead of bringing Jane chocolate 2x a week! Jane isn’t really hosting anything, is she? In fact, Jane has it easiest so definitely doesn’t need to be brought chocolate twice a week if you can’t afford it!

Or just stop going and meet another way with Jane, because it doesn’t seem as if you actually like Susan 🤷🏻‍♀️

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“Take the giraffes for a ride…” 😂

“If my friend was constantly re-thanking me, I’d get annoyed and tell her to hush!” - a good friend of mine said something similar recently.

She’s usually happy to help people (that includes lifts), but she finds it irritating when people start fussing, double and triple checking with her if it’s really okay and so on.

Everyone is different. OPs friend might be a bit cheeky, but she’s also not a mind reader.

EverywhereIgo · 07/11/2022 17:07

Are you sure she is your "friend" and not somebody you are just putting up with? I bet Susan would be mortified to find out the lift is such a bother to you because she wrongly assumed you didn't mind giving her a lift. Do both yourselves a favour and be honest and say you would prefer if you only gave her a lift once in a while rather than every time.

bippit · 07/11/2022 17:16

Haven’t rtft but a friend is a very good thing to have. It doesn’t sound like you have a lot going on in your life at the moment and if you stop these weekend meet-ups you’ll have even less. Think carefully.

fwiw I would think nothing of doing this for a friend. If I had a car and she didn’t I would assume that would be the arrangement. She may be operating from a similar assumption of generosity rather than “entitlement”.

inamarina · 07/11/2022 17:29

SandAndSea · 07/11/2022 16:30

Isn't it a matter of degree and reciprocity? To me, there needs to be reciprocity for a healthy relationship to be sustained over time. It sounds like there's one person in this group not contributing very much, which she may or may not realise. In my experience, that sort of thing can build up until people become resentful. The trick is to catch it before someone blows or the relationships are otherwise ruined.

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I fully agree that reciprocity is important in friendships.
In this case though, the whole set up seems a bit awkward to me - Susan not being able to provide snacks, because OP can’t eat most things and Jane has a nut allegedly. Surely Susan could just buy whatever OP’s usually buying?
Then OP not knowing how Susan manages to get to Jane’s by herself - why not ask her?

2bazookas · 07/11/2022 17:29

Why not suggest they all meet at your place to give Jane a break from hosting?

Course, it might take you longer than 10 minutes to tidy up before and after their visit. And there is the downside that you'll be the one paying the heating bill, providing free soap and TP in the bathroom etc.