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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

stuck into giving lift to close friend

295 replies

gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 09:03

Live in small town and have 2 mates. We meet every friday and saturday night at Jane's flat and chill out. Problem is that Susan now,who doesn't drive, has moved about 2 miles away and needs a lift home every time. It's 2 miles out of my way-adding about 10 minutes on to my journey home.

Starting to feel resentful over this but don't have it in me to say no. I'm thinking of just not joining them anymore.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 07/11/2022 11:25

cycle over to your mates house or walk, problem solved.

spaceshiptrain · 07/11/2022 11:27

What if your car broke down and you had to get a cab? And when you did you got dropped off first and left her to pay the cab fare?

userc · 07/11/2022 11:28

Havehope21 · 07/11/2022 11:23

I would skip it for a week or two here and there, that might break the cycle. Or have to leave early to go somewhere directly so you can't drop her off. That way she can make alternative arrangements.

If me and friend found out that a mate had made up fake plans about going on somewhere and left a fun evening early purely to get out of an extra 10 minute of driving, rather than talk to us, we would think that was crazy.

Can you imagine - you'd all be chatting and you'd have to lie about where you were going, who you were going out with, and what's the occassion (doesn't sound like OP has many other plans on, so presumably it would be a topic of conversation)

Just communicate with Susan!

Original poster
gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 11:28

*If you don't work and live with parents how are you funding YOUR own life then?!

You seem to be taking a strange kind of moral high ground over your friend when you're not exactly self-sufficient yourself*

living off savings and get sickness benefit. I had to leave work due to a brain tumour and recovering from it. I pay my parents rent and provide all my own food.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/11/2022 11:28

Live in small town

Can't Susan get a bus? Or a taxi?

To be honest, if you're driving anyway, I can't see the problem.

MermaidEyes · 07/11/2022 11:28

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 07/11/2022 11:14

How does Susan get to Jayne's and what alternative is there for her to get back if you don't give her a lift. Are there buses or taxi's available or is the only alternative walking 2 miles?

I assumed from one of the updates that op also picks her up

PorkPieForStarters · 07/11/2022 11:29

It's a nice thing to do and you obviously care about your friend's safety but I can see how the presumptiveness can get annoying.

Can you mention to Susan that the petrol's starting to add up so can she bring the snacks instead going forward and you'll cover the petrol for your trips to Jane's house. And if she can't get to a shop, ask her to bank transfer whatever the fuel costs you for going out of your way. I imagine you'll feel better about it if you're not out of pocket and she's showing she's contributing.

RGinaPhalange · 07/11/2022 11:29

I have a friend like that OP. It’s not that I mind giving a lift but it’s the expectation that I’ll do it and it never getting acknowledged that I’ve done her a favour.

When I don’t offer a lift, she asks. I’m never brave enough to say no or sorry I can’t and not give a valid reason. What winds me up even more is that her reply is never thanks, it’s always something like Great or no probs 😂

Shes a bit of an entitled CF actually

Ellie56 · 07/11/2022 11:35

I get it OP. Driving down rural roads which are invariably narrow and bendy in the pitch black is a pain. I think I'd stop going for a bit and see what happens.

Or as PP suggested, meet up somewhere else in the daytime.

RoseJam · 07/11/2022 11:35

You have a choice OP

  1. Develop the confidence to say to say to Susan that you can't give her lift anymore. If she asks why just tell her you can't and don't want to discuss it. You could add that there may be the odd occasion where you can, but you'll let her know. In this option, you need to tell give Susan as much notice as possible so that she can make alternative travel arrangements

or

  1. Suck it up for the sake of having company twice a week with friends. Find a way that makes it easier for you to accept the detour and let it go.

FWIW, non-drivers often don't realise the extra time and effort to do a regular detour so Susan may be well under the assumption you don't have a problem with it.

CousinKrispy · 07/11/2022 11:36

Honestly you sound rather unkind to your friend, for only 10 minutes out of your way. I do understand it's frustrating to feel taken for granted but perhaps she considers you a good enough friend that she thinks you understand she's grateful already.

You say you "get nothing" from Susan, but don't you get the benefit of social meetups and having an established friendship? Lots of evidence out there that having friends and regular social life is of tremendous benefit to our wellbeing, even if those friends aren't giving us money!

Given the rise in petrol prices, though, why can't you just say "Since I'm giving you a lift home each time, could you contribute £x for petrol?" Use a mileage calculator so you can give her an actual amount rather than just suggesting she contribute "something" and then you'll both be clear on what's expected.

IamnotSethRogan · 07/11/2022 11:37

I personally wouldn't even think twice about taking my friend home a couple of miles out of my way and would be happy to do so, even if I wasn't "getting anything back"

Similarly, I wouldn't think a good friend would have any strong feelings about doing the same for me regularly.

Life is swings and round abouts and you should help people when you can. It sounds like a mild inconvenience at best.

I hope your recovery goes well.

rookiemere · 07/11/2022 11:37

I'm sorry about you having had a brain tumour OP, some posters are being real dicks by refusing to see that many people don't have a lot of disposable income or options on where they live.

I think the only way you can address this is to miss the odd evening. Susan will soon realise what a pain in the ass it is to get there without her chauffeur. Might make her more inclined to say please and thank you for a start.

You could start muttering about how expensive it is to run the car so you're thinking of cutting down to going once a week, rather than twice, also say you're nervous about the extra miles when the roads get icy and snowy in the winter months.

What would be your ideal outcome? What do you actually want Susan to do ? If it's to give you a fiver once a month then it might be easier just to ask for it - even though you feel it would be embarrassing and you shouldn't have to. She seems to have no embarrassment about taking free lifts all the time.

ZealAndArdour · 07/11/2022 11:38

I think you need to dig very deep to find some insight into why you feel so resentful about this. Do you actually like your friend?

A few miles out of my way to make sure my friend got home safely wouldn’t even register on things to be annoyed about, certainly not to the point where I’d consider ditching my presumably well-established and enjoyable weekly plans.

Perhaps a better option is to take it in turns to host the gatherings, or make one of them into a sleepover. Or just ask your friend for some petrol money?

Womencanlift · 07/11/2022 11:41

You have an issue accepting the offer of her paying if she offers it. To be fair you are cutting off your nose to spit your face there

Next time she offers day that’s great thanks, you know petrol is going up so every little helps. And take it. If she bitches about it well she isn’t a friend. But the fact you keep refusing it means in her eyes you are fine with it

Original poster
gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 11:43

I'm sorry about you having had a brain tumour OP, some posters are being real dicks by refusing to see that many people don't have a lot of disposable income or options on where they live

yes I didn't want to bring up my cancer but ffs the thread has derailed into such irrelevant attacks on me and how I live that I had to in the end explain my situation. I don't want to be living with my parents at my age or in my home town but in recovery I have to. I was working in law in USA before I got ill so had to come home.

OP posts:
RoseJam · 07/11/2022 11:43

Also if you do decide you can't say no or ask for money, then you'll need to remind yourself of all the positive things you get out of this meetup so that you can feel less resentful. eg enjoying all their company, being able to get out of the house etc etc

Remember Susan is not a mind reader and probably has no idea that you feel this way unless you tell her. She may feel as this has been the norm for some time, and that as you have not accepted her offers of money and that you keep doing it, you are completely fine with it.

But the issue is that you are no longer fine with it which is why you are here. So have a think about what you would like and what you are comfortable doing, and whether that will make a change or not and how that will make you feel.

If I were Susan, I would be mortified about making a good friend feel resentful. I'd want the chance to make amends. Or alternative solutions eg maybe she can get a taxi from your house, or arrange to stay overnight somewhere, insist on paying you etc etc. In short, I would want a chance as a good friend, to work something out where we are both happy.

Original poster
gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 11:44

*You have an issue accepting the offer of her paying if she offers it. To be fair you are cutting off your nose to spit your face there

Next time she offers day that’s great thanks, you know petrol is going up so every little helps. And take it. If she bitches about it well she isn’t a friend. But the fact you keep refusing it means in her eyes you are fine with it*

she hasn't offered though, I don't get why posters keep changing the facts presented on this thread.

OP posts:
mast0650 · 07/11/2022 11:49

I'd happily spend 10 minutes giving a lift to a "close friend" when I was going to be out in my car anyway. But if money is an real issue then it would be fine to ask for a petrol contribution. I'm sure she would understand if she was a close friend. Or suggest meeting at Susan's sometime instead, since she is the one who doesn't drive. Or at yours, and then Jane drives Susan (or she takes a taxi). If you'd prefer either of these options, then take the initiative! The other might be very happy to change things around a bit. Alternate from week to week? On the other hand, if you prefer going to Jane's then you may need to do the extra driving as your contribution.

forrestgreen · 07/11/2022 11:50

Would you like us to provide messages to send to her?

To say you can't do it anymore
Or
To say she needs to provide x in petrol

ancientgran · 07/11/2022 11:54

I'm not sure what a ten minute detour would be costing you but I suppose you need to balance that cost against how much you enjoy meeting up with your friends. It doesn't sound like you have much in the way of other social outlets so it might be worth a lot to you or it might not.

Original poster
gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 12:02

To all the people saying I should not mind as it's a friend you wouldn't say the same if it was a man I was dating and felt he was taking advantage of me in some way. I'd be told to dump him.

OP posts:
userc · 07/11/2022 12:04

gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 12:02

To all the people saying I should not mind as it's a friend you wouldn't say the same if it was a man I was dating and felt he was taking advantage of me in some way. I'd be told to dump him.

People are telling you you need to talk to her directly.

There's no point in debating whether who's wrong and who's right when she just hasn't realised.

If you value their friendship and these nights together, talk to her. Otherwise it will just come out as resentment and you risk losing them both.

getoutoftown · 07/11/2022 12:07

Well, if I was Susan I'd be grateful for the lifts and offer a contribution to fuel costs. Failing that a gift of chocs or whatever shows appreciation. However, I'm not Susan and you won't be straight with her about it. Is she taking you for granted or does she not realise your extra cost/time matters to you? Can Jane tell her on your behalf?

Original poster
gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 12:07

People are telling you you need to talk to her directly

some people are, others are calling me tight etc and mean and that just because we are friends they can't see what the problem is.

OP posts:
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