stuck into giving lift to close friend

[gloriamoi]

Live in small town and have 2 mates. We meet every friday and saturday night at Jane's flat and chill out. Problem is that Susan now,who doesn't drive, has moved about 2 miles away and needs a lift home every time. It's 2 miles out of my way-adding about 10 minutes on to my journey home.

Starting to feel resentful over this but don't have it in me to say no. I'm thinking of just not joining them anymore.

It wouldn’t enter my head not to do this.

So every week you're driving for an extra eight miles that you wouldn't have otherwise had to drive? And Susan has never offered petrol money?

This would annoy me too, Susan is an adult and can get herself to and from places under her own steam, so I'm not sure how it fell into being your job to drive her home every time? Surely you must have offered at some point?

talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face!

why would you stop seeing close friends because one of those close friends needs a short lift???

Why can't you ask? Can't you just say "Petrol costs are going up so much I'm really struggling financially, would you mind chipping in a couple of quid towards the cost of the journey to yours"?

If you can't, then start walking, cycling or taking public transport to get to Jane's.

I can’t imagine being so petty that I would stop having a catch up with my friends just so I didn’t have to drive ten mins out the way. Are they actually your friends and do you enjoy their company? If so, it blows my mind that you could be so petty and resentful.
of you don’t really enjoy these evenings anyway then that puts another spin on it.

I don't think it's pettiness, I think it's lack of confidence/backbone. OP is so conflict-avoidant they'd rather just not go than have to have a difficult conversation with Susan and explain that she can't give lifts all the time without any petrol contribution. Most people would just say something to Susan about needing her to chip in for petrol costs or explain that they can do it tonight but not going forwards or something. OP is ostriching basically.

Same! It’s 10 minutes!

Susan should have offered to pay for petrol. She'd be very unreasonable not to see how paying her share is fair If you struggle to be assertive this might be a good time to practise. Is there someone that could help you formulate and send a text about this to Susan? I know how hard this stuff is, but it doesn't get easier by not doing it.

You wouldn't go 10 minutes and 4 miles out of your way for a close friend? Not much of a friend in my book, never mind a close friend.

Maybe Jane feels resentful that she has to host all the time. Could you meet somewhere else sometimes

It's Jane that always initiates the meetings. I 'd always bring her in chocolates or something too and we only ever stay an hour or so. It's just watching tv and chilling,Jane doesn't feed us or anything so no expense for her.

Could she cycle, or learn to drive

So you go to her house, watch tv for an hour then all go home?
very strange set up.
wre they actually your friends, op? Like do you speak regularly outside these meetings?
could you not meet for a coffee somewhere more central instead if it’s really eating away at you that much that you’re considering not going?

I get it OP - particularly as money is tight for you.

I have a friend and as a family they run one car only. That's fine - we have two because I have elderly DPs and need the ability to go and see them at short notice. But it is a bit galling to never be offered petrol money, for me it's not about the money really its a mind set. Very Occasionally when she does give lifts , I have to drive to hers as we are about 3 miles further out, so it just doesn't feel very reciprocal.

So you go to her house, watch tv for an hour then all go home? very strange set up.

My thoughts exactly! Every Friday and Saturday, Jane initiates this?!

10 minutes is fine for me, and I do that for my friend. It is reciprocated though, so we'd take turns. Whereas it's always you, and it seems to be expected which is annoying you. You could message her beforehand to say "Sorry, can't give a lift tonight." If she asks why, just explain you don't have much fuel, it has to last until you next top up. If she were my friend and I liked her, I really wouldn't mind dropping her home, 10 minutes out my way.

I think a lot of people are missing that it's 10m/4 miles twice per week every week. Not just once in a while.

Done similar for kids' friends for years and never even thought to be resentful.

Also, think of it as your contribution to the overall get-together. One of you is constantly providing the venue because the other 2 can't, surely they have a right to get pissed off with you for being unable to ever host your little gatherings? But you're making up for it by collecting the 3rd person and helping to complete the trio, so that's your contribution.

Does the friend who gets a lift do anything like bring some food or drinks? If not, maybe you could suggest that as their input to the three of you spending your evenings together with each of you doing your bit; one provides venue, one provides transport and one provides an extra cake. Then everyone is doing their bit.

But even without that arrangement, since you yourself are at the receiving end of a similar "favour" by virtue of never having to be the host, I'd say that you're being a little harsh and unreasonable.

My thoughts exactly! Every Friday and Saturday, Jane initiates this

yea she's pretty lonely,lives alone so likes the company. She's told me this.

I couldn't think of anything more boring than having to spend an hour every Friday and Saturday night sat in a friends living room. Surely OP is spending more time travelling than actually at her friends? OP, why don't you all do it less often, and for the whole evening?

yea she's pretty lonely,lives alone so likes the company. She's told me this.

But for one hour? On two consecutive days of the week? Every single week?

Twice a week every week sounds tiresome. If you don't want to directly confront then you could try skipping some and see what happens.
It also sounds boring to be honest, so another approach could be to suggest a once a week different activity. Could still be free eg a walk in the daytime, or a free event that's happening nearby (check event brite)

Same

"Does the friend who gets a lift do anything like bring some food or drinks? If not, maybe you could suggest that as their input to the three of you spending your evenings together with each of you doing your bit; one provides venue, one provides transport and one provides an extra cake. Then everyone is doing their bit. "

This is a good idea - suggest Susan gets the snacks in as you're doing the driving.

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I think the only minor grumble would be that, say you do it for 40 weeks of the year, then the mileage and fuel does start to add up. But it's over a very long time. If you do it for four months, then ask for money towards fuel.

It’s 10 mins to make sure your close friend gets home safe. I can’t imagine being annoyed at this.