stuck into giving lift to close friend

[gloriamoi]

Live in small town and have 2 mates. We meet every friday and saturday night at Jane's flat and chill out. Problem is that Susan now,who doesn't drive, has moved about 2 miles away and needs a lift home every time. It's 2 miles out of my way-adding about 10 minutes on to my journey home.

Starting to feel resentful over this but don't have it in me to say no. I'm thinking of just not joining them anymore.

I hate people like this. I don’t understand why neither of you just ask her for a contribution. She has a brass neck, so no need for either of you to be subtle.

@UnicornsHaveDadsToo
”e.g., you're taking a large item(s) to somewhere for your parents tomorrow and the car is full, then fill the car with empty boxes”

This is crackers.
If OP can’t cope with, “I need petrol money please” or “I’m really too tired to drive for an extra 10 mins”, then how will she cope with, “no bother, I’ll do the drop off with you first, here left me shift this box across” - and then discovers an empty box?!!

I think it’s quite important to note that OP doesn’t pick Susan up. So Susan is hardly an entitled madam clicking her fingers for a taxi every time.

At 30p a gallon where a litre is £2 (so conservative) this trip back only, twice a week, is costing £2.40. And I’m well aware that not everyone has that to spend on someone else.

So I’d go with my earlier suggestion - if you don’t want to ask Susan for petrol money, then (with Jane present) explain that times are hard and can Susan bring the chocolates for Jane instead of you, and instead of giving you petrol money.

Tbh I think it’s ridiculous of Jane to take chocolate off you twice a week for “hosting”, given your low income and the low key nature of this meet. I’d have long since told you not to bother!

I still think you just don’t like Susan and tolerate her being there to see Jane. A 10 minute extra car journey, 5 mins of which is spent with a friend is not hardship - for a friend.

It’s a absolutely legitimate to need to petrol contribution. But if Susan posted “AIBU to think my so called friend could drop me 10 mins out of her way, when it’s dark and cold and rural and she herself says not safe to walk” I bet everyone would say - how is she even a friend? (though they’d also say - you’re giving her petrol money though, right?)

All the stuff you posted about how people shouldn’t just offer, they should give money, because they should know the driver will say no… that all sounds like she did offer, and you did say no.

I don’t understand why neither of you just ask her for a contribution

i did already earlier this year, got 1 small donation once

Tbh I think it’s ridiculous of Jane to take chocolate off you twice a week for “hosting”, given your low income and the low key nature of this meet. I’d have long since told you not to bother

I don't but her Milk Tray, I give her something like a packet of biscuits or a Dairy Milk bar, nothing over 1-2 quid.

All the stuff you posted about how people shouldn’t just offer, they should give money, because they should know the driver will say no… that all sounds like she did offer, and you did say no

If you read my posts I said I did say it to her months ago but she only contributed once. Also no I disagree with this stance on offering. Most people will be too polite or embarrassed to accept offers and cfers know this especially when it's a few quid but it still adds up.

Jayne always tries to refuse the petrol money I'd throw her on her dash if I went on the long trips to hike but I know its courtesy to do that. My mum tries to reject my offer of rent to her but I still give it and just leave it in her bedroom cabinet.

Offering is bullshit and people know this because ultimately many people will feel too awkward to say yes so I just simply give it.

Well said. I've been shocked at some of the messages.

Good luck OP.

Yep. When I’ve had people refuse my offer, I tell them that I won’t ask for any more favours then because I feel bad.

Last year I gave my friend’s daughter a few lifts. They interrupted my work day. I didn’t need or expect compensation but it was a nice touch to get a bottle of wine.

Another friend spent half a day taking and bringing me back to the hospital. I knew she would refuse petrol money and she is well off but I got her a present worth £50 as a token of my appreciation.

Susan is a shameless user tbh. She needs to pay for her lift each week via a taxi fare or pay you a small contribution/pay for the treats as others have said.

OP, I get why it’s hard to ask but CFs are relying on your meekness and kindness. “I hate to ask- and I shouldn’t really have to ask- but a small petrol contribution would help Jane”, or always fill up when you’re taking her back saying: “Your turn to pay, Jane!”…

*Yep. When I’ve had people refuse my offer, I tell them that I won’t ask for any more favours then because I feel bad.

Last year I gave my friend’s daughter a few lifts. They interrupted my work day. I didn’t need or expect compensation but it was a nice touch to get a bottle of wine.

Another friend spent half a day taking and bringing me back to the hospital. I knew she would refuse petrol money and she is well off but I got her a present worth £50 as a token of my appreciation*

I'm like this too, I'll always give back and would never 'offer' as it's bollocks really. I recall in London my colleagues car broke down. I lived in same area as her but it was still about 8 miles out of my way daily. It was Christmas week and I picked her up 3 or 4 days and then we broke up for holidays.

I expected as it was Xmas she'd have given me something, even a box of choccies, she didn't and I felt it was bad form.

OP you seem to go through life eagle eyed for what you can get from people in exchange for what you do for them. It’s such a miserly mindset to have.

But if you feel it’s reasonable to have this mental spreadsheet of what your friends owe you, this could easily be solved by talking to your friend like an adult but you’d rather pretend you don’t have your car with you, hide it round a corner and lie to your friend

OP you seem to go through life eagle eyed for what you can get from people in exchange for what you do for them. It’s such a miserly mindset to have.

Oh, don't be silly. She just wants to be appreciated, and also not used.

Well I guessed that.
Which is why I said that your £1-2 to Jane is similar to the £1.20 per trip that Susan costs you in petrol.
If Susan gives the £1-2 chocolate to Jane, you save your money to cover Susan’s petrol.
But, you have to say it in front of both of them, so you don’t going into a spin thinking Jane will think you’re rude for not bringing chocolate.

If it’s not the petrol money but your time… well, the chocolate petrol triangle won’t help. But if you’re not prepared to take 10 mins (5 of which is actually still social time with your friend) saving Susan a relatively expensive taxi (in a rural area: can she even get one) or a walk that isn’t safe and is cold and dark (you said it) then… stop seeing Susan at all! If you actually like her, if she’s actually your friend, then you’re a shit friend if you wouldn’t give that lift based on the time alone.

“Offering is bullshit and people know this because ultimately many people will feel too awkward to say yes so I just simply give it.”

No, this is bullshit for many people. Lots of people have no problem accepting an offer. And even more people have no problem turning down and offer - and meaning it!

I do kids’ sports club lifts all the time. I’ve had offers of petrol money - I don’t want it, I’m going anyway, I can afford the extra mile collection. So when I say, “thanks but no thanks” I’m not then seething about it inwardly and taking to MN to gripe about a friend. I actually mean it. It’s not awkward to say yes please, and if I say no thanks, I genuinely mean it. You might be surprised at just many people are like me.

OP, I also live in a tiny village in the arse end of Scotland. It does complicate things a little, especially if you live in the kind of place where a disagreement over a sheep can last for three generations! (I do). It's also not easy to make new friends if there just aren't that many people around to be friends with.

Assuming that the friend you have discussed this with hasn't already blabbed to life friend, I think you really need to just rip the plaster off and tell your friend that you are happy to take her home (if you are) but she needs to ask you not tell you, and you need her to pay for the petrol. It will be awkward but it needs to be done. If possible, do it in advance of your next meetup, that way nobody is put on the spot.

I do kids’ sports club lifts all the time. I’ve had offers of petrol money - I don’t want it, I’m going anyway, I can afford the extra mile collection

yes but the op said she can't afford it.And you are going anyway, op is going home.

MN is a funny place, if a man wants anything from a women in a relationship he's a cockodger etc but when it's friends taking advantage the op should consider herself lucky to have friends and should accommodate for them always...

Feel the thread is going round in circles a tad, but most people have suggested @gloriamoi talk to her friend directly, and see what comes of it.

No-one is suggesting remaining in a friendship if they're not positive for you, but continuing a passive agressive stand off benefits none of the group, and will just lead to more conflict and awkwardness which is what she's trying to avoid.

This is also in the context of her being pretty isolated, and these are the people she spends every friday/saturday with, so it makes sense to try and work through it rather that escalate it.

OP should either distance herself, or talk to them.

There’s little point in selectively quoting 🤷🏻‍♀️
I made the point that I could afford, so as not to distract from my point with comments of, “well maybe you can afford to”. I have said, quite clearly, that not everyone can afford to cover £2.40 a week to drive someone else.

My point if you don’t selectively quote, is that OP is wrong to think you can’t offer (you have to push the money onto the dashboard and force it) because people will be too awkward to accept. Or they’ll say, through awkwardness, and then passively seethe and bitch on MN about it.

Nope. Plenty of people can say, “oh great thanks” to the offered money. And plenty (like me in my example) will say, “really don’t need to, thanks anyway” and mean it !

Have you worked out what you're going to do tomorow? @gloriamoi

I hope you have a nice & non-stressful time, whatever option you've decided to go with