stuck into giving lift to close friend

[gloriamoi]

Live in small town and have 2 mates. We meet every friday and saturday night at Jane's flat and chill out. Problem is that Susan now,who doesn't drive, has moved about 2 miles away and needs a lift home every time. It's 2 miles out of my way-adding about 10 minutes on to my journey home.

Starting to feel resentful over this but don't have it in me to say no. I'm thinking of just not joining them anymore.

There are tons of people who dont drive, dont feel they ever need to yet expect others to go out of the way to drive them around.

Of course now on this thread there will be people who dont drive saying they never expect it, always get a taxi etc but its rife. I had a friend who did this all the time. In the end we moved house so it just fizzled out but she did say to me once that it was only another 15 minutes and they didnt want us to worry about them if they walked or got into a strange taxi!!

Could you may be go elsewhere in the opposite direction from Susan's house straight after leaving Janes?
Although admittedly the scope for this might be somewhat limited at 10.30pm on a Friday and Saturday, so clutching straws a bit!
But you'd only have to do it a few times to break the habit?

Or just say you're really tired and want to go straight home?

*You could start muttering about how expensive it is to run the car so you're thinking of cutting down to going once a week, rather than twice, also say you're nervous about the extra miles when the roads get icy and snowy in the winter months.

What would be your ideal outcome? What do you actually want Susan to do ? If it's to give you a fiver once a month then it might be easier just to ask for it - even though you feel it would be embarrassing and you shouldn't have to. She seems to have no embarrassment about taking free lifts all the time*

I did already ask her for contributions before over other lifts and she paid once or twice but then stopped so she knows. Ideal outcome be that she finds her own transport.

Op, had you replaced close friend with "DH", you would have had a multitude of posters telling you to LTB.

As a non-driver, I''m 100% with the OP on this, and would add that the onus is on Susan - not the OP - to step up and communicate about this. Over the years I have declined lots of kind offers of lifts - some very much pressed upon me - and my response has always been to say something along the lines of "I appreciate this and it's a really kind offer, I can manage myself, I don't want to put you in a position where you feel you need to give me a lift - and if I am ever really desperate I will say so"). And for sure there has been the odd occasion where DS and I were battling along in torrential rain, weighed down with various school bags, and were very grateful for kind friends who pulled over and offered him a lift to school! But never thought to arrange it in advance - or to assume anything - that way the potential for resentment and people feeling that they are being taken for granted lies! Also as a SAHM I was well able to reciprocate with stuff like hanging on to children at the school gate, walking them home etc. when parents couldn't collect on time.

OP I wonder whether, given you've been working in law in the US, Susan has the impression that you are more minted than you perhaps are?

Op, had you replaced close friend with "DH", you would have had a multitude of posters telling you to LTB

agreed and I pointed this out.MN is a funny place.

in what world would most of mn tell someone to LTB because her HUSBAND expected a lift 10 minutes out of the way ffs

OP I wonder whether, given you've been working in law in the US, Susan has the impression that you are more minted than you perhaps are

no she knows the illness cost me alot and I wasn't earning massive over there.

in what world would most of mn tell someone to LTB because her HUSBAND expected a lift 10 minutes out of the way ffs

eh come on, women on mn are told to ltb if a man leaves a dirty cup out.

The mumsnet one

Could you may be go elsewhere in the opposite direction from Susan's house straight after leaving Janes?
Although admittedly the scope for this might be somewhat limited at 10.30pm on a Friday and Saturday, so clutching straws a bit!
But you'd only have to do it a few times to break the habit

she knows I'd be going nowhere else though. it's different with a colleague.

This would annoy the hell out of me OP close friend or not. The presumption and not offering to pay for petrol even if you didn’t accept at least the offer would be nice. How about next time you message before the night out and warn her you won’t be able to drop her home as you are going on somewhere else/being careful with petrol costs/ some other reason and give her chance to sort her own transport rather than bringing it up on the night. You probably aren’t even enjoying these get togethers anymore as this is niggling at you. Sorry to hear about your illness I hope you are recovering well.

Close friend. 10 minutes.

come on, OP.

How does she get there if you only have to drive her home? Could you suggest she does the same on return?

It's always unrealistic to limit calculations to petrol costs. How about wear and tear, depreciation, insurance, road tax, MOTs etc?

Starting to feel resentful over this but don't have it in me to say no

Well, we can't help you with that. Either you tell her you can't do it anymore or you put up with it... what do you want us to do?

You've ignored any practical suggestions or excuses...

How does she get there if you only have to drive her home? Could you suggest she does the same on return

I got her once but other times she's just there. I never asked.

Ask her! And say you aren’t aren’t to give her a lift every night as you are tired/early start etc etc

*aren’t able!

I think you need to text or ring her before Friday.
And just tell her you can't drop her home.
By the sounds of it she won't pay something towards the petrol.
So she can get home the same way she gets there.

I think you're getting too much of a hard time from some posters OP.

I do think, however, that you need to take matters into your own hands. It's bothering you and it's within your gift to fix it.

Say, 'hey friend, I'm not sure how you're coping but the cost of living rises are really impacting me. Petrol, in particular, is so much more expensive than it used to be. I'm going to need you to start contributing for the lifts I give you. 8 miles a week costs me £?? per month. You can give me cash on the last Friday of the month of transfer it online, it's up to you.'

If she says no, you tell her that you're having to miss out on 'something' (of an equivalent amount) every month to give her freebies and it's not working for you.

If she's your friend she'll understand

This is it - OP I feel you just want a thread of people bitching about Susan?

You know if she's a good friend or not. Clearly she hasn't realised, and so you need to talk to her if you want things to change.

If you don't address this, you risk losing the frienship of both of them, and your friday & saturday night, if it's just going to drag on with them not picking up hints.

Yep. Can't imagine being this cheeky that I'd expect a friend to ferry me around for 20m twice per week every week without offering petrol money or checking they're absolutely fine doing it. Susan sounds like a right cheeky mare.

I’d be giving the visits a miss for a few a few weeks …or tell friend you can’t do the extra driving to give her the lifts in pitch black due to it making you feel anxious .. or even that with your condition it’s not advised.

Here's the problem.

Realistically, I am guessing that Susan is unlikely to organise a taxi twice a week, as it would be expensive for anyone but certainly for someone who already has a tight budget. It also doesn't look like she has many other options to get there and back. You are entirely within your rights to refuse her the lift (and I understand your reasons for wanting to do this), but that action will have consequences.

Consequence 1: Not having a lift that may mean Susan is no longer able to attend the gatherings on the weekends or, at least, no longer able to attend so frequently. She may also be upset and/or angry. You will definitely lose her company, and you may also lose her as a friend.

Making friends is hard as an adult, particularly if you don't have much money for socialising and live in a small area. Are you ok with losing her as a friend entirely?

Consequence 2: Once Jane finds out that you've 'dumped' giving Susan lifts, she will also have her own reaction. From the replies you've received on the post so far, you can probably already tell that some people think you are right to refuse to drive Susan home but others think it is unreasonable. If Jane sides with Susan and is angry with you, you may also lose Jane as a friend too.

Would you also be ok with that? You would then be left with no friends at all, and nothing to do on a weekend.

To reiterate, you absolutely could refuse to give her the lift. You would save yourself some petrol money and some time. But would it really be worth it?