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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

stuck into giving lift to close friend

295 replies

gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 09:03

Live in small town and have 2 mates. We meet every friday and saturday night at Jane's flat and chill out. Problem is that Susan now,who doesn't drive, has moved about 2 miles away and needs a lift home every time. It's 2 miles out of my way-adding about 10 minutes on to my journey home.

Starting to feel resentful over this but don't have it in me to say no. I'm thinking of just not joining them anymore.

OP posts:
CustardySergeant · 07/11/2022 17:33

2bazookas · 07/11/2022 17:29

Why not suggest they all meet at your place to give Jane a break from hosting?

Course, it might take you longer than 10 minutes to tidy up before and after their visit. And there is the downside that you'll be the one paying the heating bill, providing free soap and TP in the bathroom etc.

The OP answered that in her second post.

goodmourning · 07/11/2022 17:37

pewtypie · 07/11/2022 16:51

@goodmourning it seems you’re blind to the smarminess and smugness in your own post.

Again! I’m glad you’re enjoying using your new word 🙂

Upwiththelark76 · 07/11/2022 17:55

Awww OP ten mins is nothing . I’d be happy to offer a lift to a friend even if it was a longer drive. Friends are special. Unless she’s not a friend and not that special to you ?

treesandweeds · 07/11/2022 17:58

Why don't you go once a Week for two hours? You can barely watch one tv program in a hour! Then you'd only take her once a week .

rookiemere · 07/11/2022 18:51

@pewtypie "Rookie - you should post more "
Thank you - I already feel I'm a bit over invested in this thread Grin

ivykaty44 · 07/11/2022 19:06

usually lift takers are not appreciated rated on mn - but this one for some reason is being treated with kid gloves whilst the op gets a hammering

mn is fickle

gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 21:30

ok update, had a big discussion with Jayne. She said Susan always does this and never contributes. They go hiking sometimes on big trips,about 3-4 hours driving involved, and Susan gives nothing.

OP posts:
Testina · 07/11/2022 21:42

gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 21:30

ok update, had a big discussion with Jayne. She said Susan always does this and never contributes. They go hiking sometimes on big trips,about 3-4 hours driving involved, and Susan gives nothing.

And yet she still wants to spend (a weirdly short) evening with her twice a week!
Jayne is a snake who likes slagging “friends” off behind their back, and probably tells Susan that you being crap chocolates 🤣

Biochemist · 07/11/2022 21:42

gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 21:30

ok update, had a big discussion with Jayne. She said Susan always does this and never contributes. They go hiking sometimes on big trips,about 3-4 hours driving involved, and Susan gives nothing.

Why does the spelling of Jane's name keep changing? Sometimes in the same post?!

Nevertheless, it sounds like if the two of you value Susan's friendship, you need to talk to her about this. If she doesn't change her behaviour, that tells you want you need to know.

strupel · 07/11/2022 21:55

gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 21:30

ok update, had a big discussion with Jayne. She said Susan always does this and never contributes. They go hiking sometimes on big trips,about 3-4 hours driving involved, and Susan gives nothing.

So previous advice still stand?

If you value the friendship, talk to her directly. If not, just stop giving her lifts.

I think you need to be careful now to make sure it doesn't come across as ganging up on her.

Mywingshurt · 07/11/2022 22:19

Can you not just say "it's 2 miles out of my way, it's costly and I want to go straight to bed. Sorry but I can't keep giving lifts every time."

If the friendship is going to end because you're not going to attend anymore, why not say how you're feeling and be upfront. Nothing to lose.

gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 22:40

Can you not just say "it's 2 miles out of my way, it's costly and I want to go straight to bed. Sorry but I can't keep giving lifts every time

no I don't have the bottle. I'm just going to pretend I'm walking anymore and hide the car.

OP posts:
strupel · 07/11/2022 22:54

gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 22:40

Can you not just say "it's 2 miles out of my way, it's costly and I want to go straight to bed. Sorry but I can't keep giving lifts every time

no I don't have the bottle. I'm just going to pretend I'm walking anymore and hide the car.

@gloriamoi This seems like the worst of both worlds though?

You'll still have underlying resentment towards Susan, because the problem isn't solved.

Susan will eventually find out, and be justifiably annoyed/embarassed her friend has been lying to her.

Jayne will probably also think it's a strange way to behave.

These women are supposed to be your close friends who you spent two nights a week together - why can't you talk to Susan? It doesn't need to be aggressive. Just say you've been struggling with your health & money so need to cut back and save energy/funds where you can.

goodmourning · 07/11/2022 22:58

gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 22:40

Can you not just say "it's 2 miles out of my way, it's costly and I want to go straight to bed. Sorry but I can't keep giving lifts every time

no I don't have the bottle. I'm just going to pretend I'm walking anymore and hide the car.

🙄 what a reasonable adult choice

VivX · 07/11/2022 23:02

gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 22:40

Can you not just say "it's 2 miles out of my way, it's costly and I want to go straight to bed. Sorry but I can't keep giving lifts every time

no I don't have the bottle. I'm just going to pretend I'm walking anymore and hide the car.

I get the sense that you're extremely non-confrontational but this is bonkers.

As well as the hassle of having to hide the car each time, inevitably Susan is going to find out and then you'll have made an even bigger issue to deal with than the one you began with.

userc · 07/11/2022 23:04

goodmourning · 07/11/2022 22:58

🙄 what a reasonable adult choice

It just seems like you'd be choosing to spend two nights a week of your life in a uncomfortable and negative situation @gloriamoi if you go with that option

Surely just either decide you want to sort things out with Susan in which case hopefully she'll offer to pull her weight in other ways/get there under her own steam

Or you decide she's a CF and you don't want to invest any more time in her. In which case you don't do these socials at Jayne's, and do more ad hoc meeting up when it suits you.

Why go with this passive type stance which is just going to make you unhappy?

Nsky62 · 07/11/2022 23:07

I think you need to mention cost to Susan, surely she has some money, and hopefully you get some disability money

Testina · 07/11/2022 23:22

gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 22:40

Can you not just say "it's 2 miles out of my way, it's costly and I want to go straight to bed. Sorry but I can't keep giving lifts every time

no I don't have the bottle. I'm just going to pretend I'm walking anymore and hide the car.

Love it! It’s like a comedy sketch.
You’ve only been doing it a few weeks - so what, 10x?
You really don’t like Susan, but have been going over for these weirdly short socials with Snake Ja(y)ne anyway cos you haven’t got anywhere else to go.
I’d address the latter point before hiding my car 🤣

SandAndSea · 08/11/2022 00:31

What about sending the msg I suggested? It's perfectly reasonable.

UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 08/11/2022 01:58

Give the OP a break. She's clearly having a difficult time both with the situation she finds herself in and making herself understood. I fear t threads heading in the worst possible outcome route, and by that I mean if the OP thought that since nobody is willing to listen or understand, many, me included, are making unreasonable suggestions, and so many are laughing at her and her predicament that asking for help in the future is pointless, and she continues to be taken advantage of by those willing to exploit others.

Not everyone has the confidence to be able to start a pointedly difficult conversation where the other party is almost certainly going to get a little upset, probably quite defensive of their actions, and/or aggressive/passive-aggressive towards the conversation starter, and which has a significant chance of turning into a very uncomfortable confrontation. Not just that, but given that she's living with her parents, the OP is possibly still quite young, especially compared to those advising her to be more assertive and challenge the friend's behaviour. Sometimes people forget how little confidence they had when they were younger, or have very heavily rose tinted glasses on when they think about themselves.

I will freely admit that my previous comments were wrong as I simply hadn't quite appreciated the full circumstances, and there's a chance I might be wrong again. If I am, OP, please do correct me. The options I provided were totally unviable in the OP's situation, so I'd like to start again.

I think this boils down to one person who's happy to take advantage of, if not outright abuse, the good nature of those around them for their own benefit, and another who's being taken advantage of, who doesn't know how to stop being exploited without all hell breaking loose, and who's more terrified of all hell breaking loose than being exploited. This is someone who needs understanding, serious advice, and a reasonable strategy which doesn't expect her to turn into a tigress overnight - because that's just not realistic and it's not going to happen.

OP, hiding the car and claiming to walk is more of a temporising measure until you can deal with the problem permanently. Assuming it works, it will hide the problem, but for a relatively short period. You need to find a way of reducing the dependency of Susan on your lifts, and walking once or twice might certainly start that process.

What you need to do is arrive and/or depart by car but separately. Finding a reason isn't difficult but make sure you've got it in your head. In essence, you need to be arriving from or departing towards somewhere other than your home. You could've been visiting another friend, a relative, a shop/supermarket/store/similar, you could've been taking something to or collecting something from someone - either for yourself or for your parents (use your parents for excuses, parents are great for any type of excuse) - for example if you've bought something off eBay from someone working odd shifts and that's the only time you can collect, the possibilities are endless. You can also get creative, e.g., you're taking a large item(s) to somewhere for your parents tomorrow and the car is full, then fill the car with empty boxes. You can actually make it quite entertaining for yourself. You don't have to do this for every journey or both ways either. Start with a single leg; the arrival will be the easier one so you can start with that. It will be scary so don't underestimate how you'll feel, but do give yourself once you've pulled it off. Then the second, third and subsequent times will be easier. Once you've established that you giving a lift isn't a given, you'll find it much easier to say "no, I'm busy" without feeling the need to find an excuse or give a reason. Unfortunately, the first few do need little white lies, but those are no greater than saying that you're walking and hiding your car. In fact, you're far less likely to be found out than if you've hidden your car so they're safer and they establish the fact that you plus your car don't automatically mean a lift.

This is what I can come up with at 2 am after having had a general anaesthetic today so it may sound somewhat silly, but I think that this could be a possible strategy which doesn't involve direct confrontation yet stops you being taken for granted. I genuinely hope you read this, find it useful, and if nothing else, see that others can understand.

blisstwins · 08/11/2022 02:57

gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 09:15

Can I add it's 2 miles each way so altogether about 4 miles out of my way.

In a car? That really is nothing for a friend. What would you like her to do? Uber? Petrol money? This is good practice for learning how to verbalize your needs. Don’t let resentment build over this small thing. Try to work it out.

echt · 08/11/2022 03:03

gloriamoi · 07/11/2022 21:30

ok update, had a big discussion with Jayne. She said Susan always does this and never contributes. They go hiking sometimes on big trips,about 3-4 hours driving involved, and Susan gives nothing.

There was a thread a bit like this several months ago where it ended up with the OP being castigated for not considering that "Susan" might be socially awkward/neurodiverse/dying of embarrassment and not the CF she appears to be.

maddening · 08/11/2022 03:38

AngelinaFibres · 07/11/2022 09:56

Soory Op but the lives all 3 of you are leading sound desperately depressing to be honest. I think you have far bigger problems than giving a friend a lift

What a horrible post, and unnecessarily so.

Friends getting together for company and support is lovely.

rookiemere · 08/11/2022 07:01

I wish people would read the whole thread, or at the least OPs post.
OP is living with her DPs in a remote Scottish village because she had a brain tumour. Nasty remarks about how she spends her time, are just that - nasty - anyone with an ounce of common sense would realise that OP didn't choose to be in this situation and hasn't got a lot of other options for her social life.

Also she didn't ask for criticism of how she spends her time, just advice on the lift aspect.

OP my main worry about the idea of pretending you don't have the car is that Susan clearly has no shame, I suspect she'll find out - what do you plan to do at going home time for example if she suggests sharing a taxi- and it will make you look a bit odd to Jane.

MamGetUsOneOfThemToKeep · 08/11/2022 07:49

OP
It is windy rural country roads
You live a mile away in opposite direction
I bet you just want to get home

Why is Susan expecting a lift from you, she moved to her sisters away from Jane..

You could always say Susan I'm not doing lifts anymore, it's too much. You sort out your transport.

Just get yourself there and remind Susan "I'm not going that way, I'm tired and just want to go home not drive four miles in the opposite direction", when Susan gets up to go with you.