stuck into giving lift to close friend

[gloriamoi]

Live in small town and have 2 mates. We meet every friday and saturday night at Jane's flat and chill out. Problem is that Susan now,who doesn't drive, has moved about 2 miles away and needs a lift home every time. It's 2 miles out of my way-adding about 10 minutes on to my journey home.

Starting to feel resentful over this but don't have it in me to say no. I'm thinking of just not joining them anymore.

A sensible arrangement would be Jane hosts, you drive and other person brings some food/drink - each makes a contribution.

OP you haven't said how long your journey home would be without the detour. If you live in the same place as Jane, couldn't you start cycling/ walking to these soirees? Then Susan would need to make her own arrangements

I live over a mile away in the other direction. It's rural and dark roads so not safe to be out walking/cycling at night really and we are up far north of Scotland so it's freezing.

A sensible arrangement would be Jane hosts, you drive and other person brings some food/drink - each makes a contribution

I can't eat most foods due to health problems. Jayne has bad nut allergy too so is very careful with foods.

So is it the cost that you have an issue with or is it the presumptiveness of your friend?

You haven't said what your actual problem is. Either are valid but what is the actual issue?

Then she shouldn’t expect lists. She is very entitled.

Your friend who always hosts might feel resentment for that. She’s got to tidy up etc. 10 mins is nothing if you are close friends. I’d suggest mixing up venue eg go out one week then it removes the pattern of you giving a lift.

So is it the cost that you have an issue with or is it the presumptiveness of your friend

all of it

Every week I go to a friends house for a movie/dinner with her and her partner - started during the pandemic because I lived alone.

Every week one of them picks me up and drops me home because public transport is a nightmare and it would be a lot for a taxi. I assume they do this because they like my company.

I do always offer to get the bus/give them petrol money though.

I suppose my question is, if they're a close friend why do you resent the extra ten minutes to the point you'd rather not socialise at all?

I think the suggestions about hinting about taxis/walking etc come across as a bit passive aggressive, and it would be better to be direct.

It would not occur to me not to give a good friend, even a not so good friend, a lift.
And I don't really see how you can stop - I'd be well put out if a friend refused to drive ten minutes so I needed to pay for a taxi. A friend who stayed over my house refused to drop me at the train station five minutes out of her way 30 years ago and I still resent it!

Oh my word! Every Friday and Saturday night with these two friends and no drink? Don't you ever feel that life is a bit samey?

I do always offer to get the bus/give them petrol money though

offering isn't enough though as people are too polite to say yes and I think you know this deep down. Just giving the money/taking the bus is the right thing.

A friend who stayed over my house refused to drop me at the train station five minutes out of her way 30 years ago and I still resent it

yea once offs are different to this regular thing

It would annoy me too. I have a friend that doesn't drive and although she only lives 2 miles away it's not a good two miles. It's always chock a block with traffic and takes ages. I sometimes feel resentful and feel like she takes getting lifts for granted.

OP, before Susan moved did you always give her a lift? So, has this always been the dynamic? I think you’d have to just miss a couple, say you’re not feeling that great, then see whether she goes or not, if she contributed to your petrol would that make it feel fairer?

If my close friends insist on giving me a lift so I don't spend a 2 hour round journey getting to the suburbs, I'm not going to say no!

They are the ones pushing a movie night and they're are the ones who say definitely not when I say it's no problem getting the bus.

I take pricey snacks & wine round which I leave at theirs - when they say no to money what do you suggest I do? Just do a bank transfer even though they've said no?

I think there's some kind of underlying resentment here @gloriamoi

Funny old way to treat your friends.

OP, before Susan moved did you always give her a lift? So, has this always been the dynamic? I think you’d have to just miss a couple, say you’re not feeling that great, then see whether she goes or not, if she contributed to your petrol would that make it feel fairer

susan lived across the street to Jayne before this. I suppose it would yes but it's still the time and effort. I just want to go home, not drape 2 miles up back roads to her house and back down at the end of the night.

I do give petrol money anyway and I don't just offer I actually say 'see you later I'm going home' and they stop me and tell me to stop being silly and practically force me into their car.

Again, what is your problem here? What exactly are you upset over?

I take pricey snacks & wine round which I leave at theirs - when they say no to money what do you suggest I do? Just do a bank transfer even though they've said no

well if you contribute in that way it's fine but Susan contributes nothing to me.

I see.

So you don't enjoy your friend's company during the ride?

I don't believe she's a close friend then. Do you love this person?

Again, what is your problem here? What exactly are you upset over

i've answered this about 10 times now

So Jane doesn't have to move her arse off the sofa except to stick a couple of glasses and plates in the sink? And Susan gets picked up door to door and free food? Meanwhile, OP does all the chauffeuring AND provides snacks that she doesn't actually eat? The more I read the more I feel sorry for the Op. And also grateful to live in a city where there's always something to do, because honestly, I'm in my 40s and these nights sound boring as hell.

Then I think you need to be direct with her.

I think you need to accept that behaving this way could lead to you losing a friendship, and you need to work out if she's a close friend or not.

You don't want to be sad in five years time, because you lost out on a good mate for being petty and not acting like an adult. Explain you feel a little taken for granted.

Can I add it's 2 miles each way so altogether about 4 miles out of my way
blimey, is that all? She is your friend.

im in a similar situation with one of my friends. She lives the furthest from our other friend. I go and pick her up, back track and go past my house and on to visit friend.
The friend I pick up is my closest friend and I don’t begrudge her a mile! She is very good to me in different ways.

Give and take!

*The friend I pick up is my closest friend and I don’t begrudge her a mile! She is very good to me in different ways.

Give and take*

there is no give and take though. I'm not getting anything back.