stuck into giving lift to close friend

[gloriamoi]

Live in small town and have 2 mates. We meet every friday and saturday night at Jane's flat and chill out. Problem is that Susan now,who doesn't drive, has moved about 2 miles away and needs a lift home every time. It's 2 miles out of my way-adding about 10 minutes on to my journey home.

Starting to feel resentful over this but don't have it in me to say no. I'm thinking of just not joining them anymore.

Based on your update, it’s not safe for her to walk or cycle, sounds like you live in the arse end of nowhere so taxis will be rare or very very expensive if you can even get one. If there actually a bus she can get?
honestly you sound even worse now imo. So miserly. Very minor inconvenience for socialising with your so called friends. Sounds like you don’t even like these people get you call her a close friend!

So it comes down to you not actually valuing this person's company.

I love my close friends. I would do anything for them and vice versa.

Money or lifts don't come into anything with the ones who have the love for each other that close friends have.

Do you not enjoy their company then?
friendship is not transactional as far as i am concerned. I drive and will always offer lifts to friends.

So she's not a close friend?

It sounds so unbelievably boring I would stop going for that reason. Then I'd move towns and thank god I don't spend my weekends doing dick all ever again.

Do you like Susan? Would you feel like you were missing something if she didn’t come to these gatherings? If she’s an actual friend, whose company you enjoy and value, I wouldn’t begrudge 10 mins. Sometimes in life we are in a position to do more for a friend than they can offer in return. It might rebalance one day, it might not. But if you care about the friendship then I’d take the mild inconvenience for the positives of the relationship. If you don’t actually like her all that much, then it’s different and you should just tell her it’s not working for you. If she is annoyed/decides not to come anymore you’re not losing anything?

So she's not a close friend

i don't know what tiy are expecting me to say to this, close friend or not I think we should all fund our own way in life and be responsible for ourselves. It's called boundaries.

It sounds so unbelievably boring I would stop going for that reason. Then I'd move towns and thank god I don't spend my weekends doing dick all ever again

life is crap yes but I'm here because of a disease I have, it's not ideal but I can't work.

I'm with you OP. It's a culmination of not being asked if it's ok, not offering petrol money, assuming it's happening, and being selfish.
The odd lift here and there - fine, it's not too far. But she has a cheek to expect it twice a week when it's in totally the opposite direction!
I would say to her that you can't do it every time and see what she says. If she's a good friend, and asks you why - explain that it's taking a toll both mentally and financially. A good friend will appreciate the lifts, and not assume it's always ok. She moved house - so she needs to figure out an alternative solution.

Could you message her to say, " hey, sorry I can't offer lifts anymore, because it's eating up my fuel." Just leave it at that.

I think a lot of posters have expressed in lots of different ways - if you like Susan and value her company, an extra 10 minutes in your day is no big deal.

If you carry on like this or act in a petty way, you are risking losing the friendship completely. Only you know how much you value her in your life.

If you do want to keep her in your life - you need to be direct (no being grumpy, no hinting, no pass agg-ness). Explain you feel taken for granted, money is getting tight, and you would appreciate the petrol money.

Which the OP is well within her rights to do, but she needs to accept this might irreversibly damage the friendship.

If she likes Susan she needs to actually talk to her.

It's a culmination of not being asked if it's ok, not offering petrol money, assuming it's happening, and being selfish

but even offering/asking isn't enough because she knows I'll feel pressure to say no. If she'd insist on getting her own transport or leaving cash on the dash I'd be cooler with it

It sounds as though it's the perceived lack of appreciation or being taken for granted that's getting to you rather than the cost or inconvenience. Would you feel differently if she did something nice for you at Christmas to say "thanks so much Gloria, I really appreciate it"?

If so I'd suck it up for now and see what happens. If not, or she continues to say/do nothing, I'd just be straight and say you can't afford the petrol as you're on such a tight budget.

life isn’t a record of ‘I did this for her now she needs to do something for me in return’. how miserable

Ok - so you need to talk to her.

I do think the onus is on you if someone offers you petrol money but you don't want to say yes. She does not automatically think like you, and understand that you wouldn't feel comfortable saying yes please.

If you value her as a friend, want to still be friends with her in 10 years, talk to her!!

I don't know why you all meet so late in the evening. Jane is lonely but you all just watch the tv, Susan wants a lift after watching tv , you don't eat anything so just watch tv , and none of you have a drink . It sounds miserable .

Why on earth don't you all meet up in the day at a cafe and actually chat to each other ?

You crazy kids need to calm this partying down on a weekend.

You'll burn yourselves out.

If you don't work and live with parents how are you funding YOUR own life then?!

You seem to be taking a strange kind of moral high ground over your friend when you're not exactly self-sufficient yourself.

Just tell Susan you don’t mind at all giving her a lift but the extra petrol cost is putting a strain on your very limited finances so if she wants to continue getting a lift then she will have to contribute.

How does Susan get to Jayne's and what alternative is there for her to get back if you don't give her a lift. Are there buses or taxi's available or is the only alternative walking 2 miles?

Losing two friends over this is insane. Particularly when you say there is nothing to do where you are, so presumably you will be lonelier without these meet ups.

Your friend probably doesn't realise 10 mins is a big deal to you.

Just ask for a monthly contribution to petrol if it bothers you. Its a reasonable request, especially if you have a low income.

Surely that's better than losing your friends and your friends also losing their chance to see each other?

It's a pain if it is not reciprocated. I have a meet-up with some friends about once a month. A few months ago, they all arranged a taxi and by the time I got to the messages, there was no room left for me. Now I just drive as taxis are a nightmare where we live. The same people ask for lifts there and back, even if it is massively out of my way. It is a pain because it means you have to make extra efforts to get to them on time to pick them up, then you can't leave till they are ready. It is like being an Uber.

I would skip it for a week or two here and there, that might break the cycle. Or have to leave early to go somewhere directly so you can't drop her off. That way she can make alternative arrangements.

Okay, after teasing it out via this thread and me thinking you were being a bit dickish I finally get it and agree with you.

I think you feel as though she's taking you for granted and this is something that can ruin love between friends.

Sorry about that. It must be hard for you. And now you're in a position where you would have to come across as the asshole for mentioning it, and while one could say 'just say something' it's not a position you should be in. She is being out of order.

Only consolation is she probably simply does not realise how onerous it is for you and as a non-driver simply doesn't comprehend the build up in costs and resentment of expectation.