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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH I hate his new look?

256 replies

topazyouth · 07/11/2022 06:25

Name changed for this because I feel like a bitch (and also in case anyone recognised the description!)

DH has recently decided to sort of grow his hair out and grow a long straggly beard. He's fair so his beard is red. I've attached a Google image to illustrate the sort of look he's going for although he does not look like this... he's the 'nailed it' versionHmm

I hate it. I don't find him attractive at the moment and now go out of my way to avoid sex because it actually turns me off. I am embarrassed to be seen out with him- as is DD1 who is 15. For the first time in 17 years I have started looking at other men and fancying them (I wouldn't cheat).

WIBU to tell him how much I hate it? I love him to pieces and if it were a disfigurement he had no control over I would feel differently but he's choosing to look like this. I have told him I think it looks silly before- as have his mates - but he doesn't seem to care...

To tell DH I hate his new look?
OP posts:
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WhereisCam · 07/11/2022 06:29

Have you asked him why he is trying to achieve this look? Whenever I go through different looks I usually have a clear idea of what I am trying to achieve and why. Ultimately I think it's his body and life and you should be respectful of his choices. However, if it is that bad you can tell him you prefer when he looks like x, y, z. I think it could be really damaging to say you don't find him attractive. I always remember negative comments over positive.

BurntOutBusyBee · 07/11/2022 06:38

What @WhereisCam said?
What's going through his mind. Is he trying to look more 'masculine' or something. Has he been watching anything on YouTube about men looking like men. There's a lot on there that's designed to make men feel inferior and weak and that beards and gruffness should be owned by all men.
Is he having a mid life/quarter life panic about aging and wanting to look younger?

There's usually a reason that someone makes a big change?

You'll have to tread carefully OP.
X

Remmy123 · 07/11/2022 06:39

Yes tell him - my husband changed his hairstyle and I hated it so much! He changed it back!

Original poster
topazyouth · 07/11/2022 06:39

WhereisCam · 07/11/2022 06:29

Have you asked him why he is trying to achieve this look? Whenever I go through different looks I usually have a clear idea of what I am trying to achieve and why. Ultimately I think it's his body and life and you should be respectful of his choices. However, if it is that bad you can tell him you prefer when he looks like x, y, z. I think it could be really damaging to say you don't find him attractive. I always remember negative comments over positive.

He thinks it looks good? It reality he looks like Ian Beale in his homeless phase.

Ultimately if the look stays I might leave. I have a professional job- I can't take him to black tie dos anymore because it looks as though he's having a breakdown (he's not)- people know what he used to look like! I know it sounds shallow but every time I look at him it irritates me and I don't find it attractive at all. It's not a deliberate reaction- I'm being super honest under the guise of anonymity!

OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 07/11/2022 06:40

It won't look right until he gets to the right length, it doesn't happen overnight when you're changing your look.
Please don't tell him he's unattractive - that will stick with him for a very long time. It's his choice ultimately, you don't have the right to make him a certain way so you fancy him.
If a man wrote this, every reply would be beyond vicious.

pastabakeonaplate · 07/11/2022 06:41

Can you ask if this is a permanent change?

ahunf · 07/11/2022 06:42

I think we need an actual photo to be able to comment but obviously you cannot do that. Does he not carry it off well? Is he tall / skinny?

romdowa · 07/11/2022 06:43

Maybe buy him a beard care kit for Christmas? I think it would be terribly cruel to tell him you find him unattractive.

Ladybug14 · 07/11/2022 06:43

I'd hate this look too, OP. I don't have any advice, I'm sorry 😐

ladydimitrescu · 07/11/2022 06:44

After your last reply that you'll leave him if the look stays, then yes, you should leave him.
You're more worried about what your colleagues think than what your husband would feel if he knew you were willing to end your marriage over something so shallow.
Frankly, he deserves better. Don't continue to waste the rest of his life when he could find someone who cares about him much more than you do.
Imagine if he wrote this about you - I imagine you would be beyond broken.

Sparklfairy · 07/11/2022 06:45

Does he look like Catweazle? Because that's what I'm picturing Grin

at the end of the day, it's his face, his choice. But choices have consequences and I'm afraid I wouldn't be attracted to Catweazle, ever.

To tell DH I hate his new look?
WhereisCam · 07/11/2022 06:45

What's his job role? I know it shouldn't matter but is it in keeping with his line of work considering you have black tie events to go to? I couldn't imagine the man in the picture you posted being a solicitor or similar. However, there is no reason why he couldn't be.

I think you still need to find out why he wants to look that way. It is a strong look. I, for example, am fair skinned and dark hair and features. If I suddenly went bleach blond pixie cut it would be a drastic change and it would be more than "because it looks good". I just think there must be more to it. But you know your husband.

Putonyourshoes · 07/11/2022 06:46

I think while you can’t help what you find attractive/unattractive, it seems to be an extreme reaction to feel that way about someone you love changing their hair/beard. It’s not as if he’s gained 8 stone.
I also can’t help but think that if you’d posting saying you’d recently changed your hairstyle and your husband told you that he now found you unattractive, you’d have lots of people telling you how completely out of order he was and that he shouldn’t be trying to control the way you look.

Original poster
topazyouth · 07/11/2022 06:46

Sparklfairy · 07/11/2022 06:45

Does he look like Catweazle? Because that's what I'm picturing Grin

at the end of the day, it's his face, his choice. But choices have consequences and I'm afraid I wouldn't be attracted to Catweazle, ever.

Yes, he looks like Catweazle with a dad bod. Spot on.

OP posts:
Isittrueornot · 07/11/2022 06:47

She’s not worried about what others think, she is saying she finds it a turn off and completely unattractive-big difference.

My oh went through a phase like this-sex stopped, I’m not going to sleep with someone I don’t find attractive. It sorted the problem basically

sandgrown · 07/11/2022 06:47

Is it a midlife crisis? My ex decided to grow a big beard and looked like a Old Father Time. He was never a snappy dresser but he started to wear “comfort” clothes. He had some loose teeth which could have been saved if he had been prepared to pay but he opted for a denture which he took out all the time at home! He aged 10 years and I no longer found him attractive. Our sex life dwindled and we eventually split up. I feel your pain OP.

girlmom21 · 07/11/2022 06:48

Can you encourage him to get it properly shaped?

sandgrown · 07/11/2022 06:48

Just to add . That wasn’t the only reason we split up but it contributed.

Joshanddonna · 07/11/2022 06:49

You'll be sorry when he retrains as a Viking and you don't get to share all his plunders.

Original poster
topazyouth · 07/11/2022 06:50

Putonyourshoes · 07/11/2022 06:46

I think while you can’t help what you find attractive/unattractive, it seems to be an extreme reaction to feel that way about someone you love changing their hair/beard. It’s not as if he’s gained 8 stone.
I also can’t help but think that if you’d posting saying you’d recently changed your hairstyle and your husband told you that he now found you unattractive, you’d have lots of people telling you how completely out of order he was and that he shouldn’t be trying to control the way you look.

It's not just the hair cut though- the strangely horrible beard has changed his face. If he wasn't attracted to me because of a certain thing I did I'd rather he told me so I could change it if I wanted to.

OP posts:
Original poster
topazyouth · 07/11/2022 06:50

Joshanddonna · 07/11/2022 06:49

You'll be sorry when he retrains as a Viking and you don't get to share all his plunders.

Thank you, that made me smile Grin

OP posts:
decafsoyaflatwhite · 07/11/2022 06:54

Putonyourshoes · 07/11/2022 06:46

I think while you can’t help what you find attractive/unattractive, it seems to be an extreme reaction to feel that way about someone you love changing their hair/beard. It’s not as if he’s gained 8 stone.
I also can’t help but think that if you’d posting saying you’d recently changed your hairstyle and your husband told you that he now found you unattractive, you’d have lots of people telling you how completely out of order he was and that he shouldn’t be trying to control the way you look.

I do see what you mean, but it sounds like he’s done something a lot more extreme than change his hairstyle. If I radically changed my facial appearance, for example cut all of my hair off and had both eyebrows pierced, then I couldn’t guarantee that my partner would still find me physically attractive. There’s nothing at all wrong with that, but I would look very different to before and it would be very different to my current ‘style’.

Would you normally like men with beards, OP?

Doingmybest12 · 07/11/2022 06:56

Facial hair is a tricky one. Yes he should be able to grow it if he wants but it can be uncomfortable and I don't like kissing if it hurts or feels weird. As for his hair on his head, that is up to him , it is just a look . grown adults who care about their appearance too much are a bit of a negative for me but this applies to you in this post too. There must be something else going on if you would end your marriage over this though.

CrystalCoco · 07/11/2022 06:56

Give him 6 months - if he doesn't look like the photo you posted by then and still looks like Catweazle then it's time for a 'serious chat' 😅

Fingers crossed: he'll either 'grow into it' / 'grow out of it' or it'll 'grow on you' 😬

Redkettle · 07/11/2022 06:56

Just say no sex till beard has gone. That will do it.

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