To tell DH I hate his new look?

[topazyouth]

Name changed for this because I feel like a bitch (and also in case anyone recognised the description!)

DH has recently decided to sort of grow his hair out and grow a long straggly beard. He's fair so his beard is red. I've attached a Google image to illustrate the sort of look he's going for although he does not look like this... he's the 'nailed it' version

I hate it. I don't find him attractive at the moment and now go out of my way to avoid sex because it actually turns me off. I am embarrassed to be seen out with him- as is DD1 who is 15. For the first time in 17 years I have started looking at other men and fancying them (I wouldn't cheat).

WIBU to tell him how much I hate it? I love him to pieces and if it were a disfigurement he had no control over I would feel differently but he's choosing to look like this. I have told him I think it looks silly before- as have his mates - but he doesn't seem to care...

Totally agree with this.

But I also think honesty is the best policy here. A loving and supportive relationship shouldn't be damaged by an honest conversation about looks (should also be half while demonstrating love and support).

I am struggling with the male/female double standard and I'm shocked you'd stop taking him to work events and this would be your reason for ending things. That's awful and op you need to look really long and hard at yourself about this.

Where your issues about his appearance and attractiveness do warrant a discussion, though, is regarding your sex life. I think the best thing is to be loving but frank- it his choice to grow his beard like that but you don't have to continue physical intimacy if you're uncomfortable.

Once an open conversation has been had - and pick the right time to do it - don't keep going on about it. This should be about communication, not control.

I would tell my husband every year I hated his Movember moustache (for charity), he would tell me he didn't like my lack of matching underwear (weird, huh, who cares?) He grew a moustache every year, I wore black pants and a white bra. Just be really honest. It doesn't mean you don't love the person. That said, he was not from England where people beat about the bush, he was from somewhere people are often extremely blunt. Radical honesty worked for us. I didn't have any worries though that my overgrown leg hair or change in hairstyle or insistence on wearing clothes he hated would really change his feelings for me, and vice versa. I would tell him his old too tight t-shirts looked too tight and he wore them anyway.

Just say 'wow, that beard's getting long, I'm not sure about it' and open the conversation up. He can then choose or not choose to take your preference into account.

I think you have to just tell him that different people are attracted to different things and there is a problem because his new look turns you off sexually. So awkward, but what’s the alternative? Celibate marriage? Divorce?

Agree it’s a ridiculous look. When British men have the physique of Viking warriors, maybe then they’ll be able to carry off the wild Viking hair look. But it does not go with the body of an office worker any more than Donald Trump would look good in a tankini.

Why?! Why must we turn every bloody thread into a poor menz support group FFS? And you’re wrong anyway, there’s been many threads here over the years where a woman has wanted to stop shaving her legs for example, and many posters will tell her that for the sake of her husband, she should shave.

If that was my husband, I'd be a 100% honest with him, but that's our relationship. I don't believe in putting up and shutting up when a simple chat with the person you (should) love most in the world could solve it. I don't like beards, my husband knows this, if he were to grow a beard I'd ask him why he was doing something he knows I actively dislike and was he trying to annoy me. He did Movember one year, I complained about it for the whole month, and that was for charity! 😂I'd start with a simple, "Sweetheart, I love you, but we really need to talk about what's going on with your face...!".

Subtle I like it. I wouldn't say I don't find YOU attractive. I may say you know I'm not so keen on beards but whatever makes you happy. He might get that.

Wow, you haven't looked at another man in 17 years. Respect.

What things has your husband told you he doesn't like about your appearance?

How do you respond when he says to you - what is going on with this body or what is going on with this face or what is going on with this look?

Honest chat that you find him very sexy with short (or whatever) hair as it really suits his face shape. Support him that you know trying out new looks is always worth a go etc. Maybe ask him how he finds your hair sexiest and be prepared to change it too?? (Joking but you totally know that if this was the other way round and about your new haircut that most people on mumsnet would be saying he’s controlling your look, probably abusive and to leave him, La La La).

I like a well groomed beard if it suits in fact I went off ExDH when he went clean shaven
I didn’t say much though - we just had sex less often and I dropped occasional hints about how good he looked in photos where he had a beard - I also pointed out hot men with beards on tv and films
we split up for other reasons (OW) he is now on wife number 3 and mostly still has a beard
DS rocks a beard too but he is fastidious about grooming and has more products than I put on my face

My husbands the same, fair haired but his beard grows gingery/blonde. A couple of years ago, he tried growing it for 3 months, he looked different. He's good looking, but the beard was thin, sparse and oddly coloured. Honestly it made him look dirty, older and ugly. I did tell him that I didn't like it, but he seemed quite adamant to grow the fucker. When he eventually shaved it off, we had a lot of sex. He hasn't tried again since.

He hasn't actually needed to because we discuss things. I know he likes my hair how it is as I've had it pretty much the same all the time we have been together (over 20 years). Apart from once when I decided I might like to go quite a lot shorter, we discussed it, he agreed it might look nice. I cut it, it was far too much of a faff, we both decided we preferred it longer, I grew it back. I know he likes smooth legs. So do I, so I keep shaved. Why would I deliberately do something I KNOW my husband wouldn't like? And if some some reason I did something (don't know what!) that he didn't like, I would absolutely expect him to talk to me about it and if he really didn't like it, I'd change or come to some sort of compromise. Not because either of us are doormats to the other, but I want my husband to be attracted to me and vice versa. Is that really so strange? Maybe it's just me, but I would never have married a man I couldn't be 100% honest with, life is too short.

I think you can be honest about how you feel without hurting his feelings, as long as the delivery is kind.

I love DH with longer on top hair, slightly disheveled, as opposed to sensible short back and sides, he just really suits a rakish look. I tell him when he has gone too short and he grows it back (although I would still fancy him if his hair was pink, he’s v attractive).

Equally, I know v well that he wouldn’t like it if I went short, he loves me with long hair. However if I lost my hair for one reason or another, he would still love me. However, if I went really short and boyish as a choice, I would have to accept that he may not find me attractive anymore 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nothing wrong with honesty in a marriage. As long as it’s said with kindness and compassion.

Catweazle, ‘looks like he’s having a breakdown’ and homeless Ian Beale. You’ve made me laugh on this shitty wet Monday.

That is what I thought. This was just you pretending honesty is best. There isn't honesty. In twenty years there have been things he doesn't like or hasn't found attractive but he hasn't been brutally honest and pointed them out to you. He has kept quiet and has never told you.

You didn't advocate for a discussion - you said to start with what is going on with your face - to honestly say what you don't like about them. But now you are saying, your husband doesn't actually point out what is going with your look.

I find this baffling to be honest. Surely if your sexual attraction to someone can disappear based on a hair cut you don’t actually find them that attractive? My husband could wear clown wig to bed and I’d still want to bang him 🤷‍♀️

He doesn’t owe you aesthetically pleasing.

The problem is yours alone. Let the man express himself how he wants. If your main thing a relationship with him are based on him looking acceptable to you then you probably have bigger things to worry about than his beard.

Is it a styling issue? Beard and long hair maintenance can be a lot of work and men who've always had short hair/no beard may not realise that. Maybe some suggestions on how to improve the shape of his beard and condition of his hair (beard and head) or suggestion of going to a barber for advice might help his appearance? It might still not be to your taste but it could help him achieve the look he clearly wants.

If it was me, I would just tell him!

If you want to be more subtle about it, take some photos and choose a really bad one to print and stick on the fridge so he has to confront himself (could put Catweazle next to it!). Your DD can tell him she does not want him at any school events until the look has settled or reverted to how he used to be - I don't mean you should egg her on, just that if that is how she feels, she may be able to tell him more easily than you can.

DH once grew enormous mutton chop sideys- I just couldn’t take him seriously and got the giggles every time he talked. They didn’t last long. He’s commented positively and negatively about my clothing and hairstyle choices over the years. We’ve come to know each other’s taste and check in from time to time about a change. I’m really not keen on full beards etc but he looks sexy with a bit of stubble.

this!

I'm not sure how you can say I'm "pretending" honesty is best? And how do you know that there have been things my husband doesn't like or hasn't found attractive but hasn't spoken up about? Do you know him better than I do? That's such an odd thing to say! He did actually once say "That new pink pair of trousers you wore make you look like you aren't actually wearing anything...!" I didn't wear them again! 😂And we do have a jokey / teasing way of speaking to each other, so yes, I would say "What's going on with your face" and he would likewise say something like that to me. I'm a rubbish cook and he'll say something like "That was, erm, interesting, let's not have that again!", whilst pulling a face. So he is absolutely honest about loads of stuff, but I was meaning he hasn't had to be honest about big things, like image changing things, because we discuss things first before we consider doing them. I'm sorry you don't believe me when I say we discuss things and are both honest with each other but that maybe says something about you rather than me.

Just tell him you hate it. You can't help not being attracted to him anymore with the Ian Beal homeless look he has going on.

"If the sexes were reversed" people are always tedious. I have PCOS and can grow a pretty impressive amount of hair under my chin. If I stopped getting rid of it and my husband mentioned he didn't like it, I'd say fair enough, can't blame you for that. He's totally lovely so I know he wouldn't want to hurt my feelings and I would appreciate the honesty

My friend's DH has what I consider to be a disturbingly pubic beard. She loves it though, and has told him that he is forbidden to shave it off as she doesn't find him attractive clean shaven.

I struggle with this, as it should be his choice. I do have sympathy with you though if you really find his look a turn off.

Obviously it's his own choice how he wears his hair/beard etc however I know if it was my husband he'd rather I told him I didn't like the look (although if it were my husband he'd probably have asked for my opinion on it)

I'm always baffled on threads like these - male or female - where the husband or wife is just told that they are selfish, shallow bastards if they don't suck it up. (whether it's a beard, weight gain, tattoos or whatever).

Unfortunately attraction IS a big part of a relationship and a lot of this is physical. So while it is his body, and the OP in this case has to respect his choices, she does't have to find it attractive and she doesn't have to stay in the marriage.