To tell DH I hate his new look?

[topazyouth]

Name changed for this because I feel like a bitch (and also in case anyone recognised the description!)

DH has recently decided to sort of grow his hair out and grow a long straggly beard. He's fair so his beard is red. I've attached a Google image to illustrate the sort of look he's going for although he does not look like this... he's the 'nailed it' version

I hate it. I don't find him attractive at the moment and now go out of my way to avoid sex because it actually turns me off. I am embarrassed to be seen out with him- as is DD1 who is 15. For the first time in 17 years I have started looking at other men and fancying them (I wouldn't cheat).

WIBU to tell him how much I hate it? I love him to pieces and if it were a disfigurement he had no control over I would feel differently but he's choosing to look like this. I have told him I think it looks silly before- as have his mates - but he doesn't seem to care...

Can you just be completely honest and tell him you love him and of course fancies him but he doesn't have the necessary attributes (thick lustrous hair and the body of a god) to carry this look off but does in fact resemble Ian Beale during his homeless phase, cat weasel or perhaps the older of the Steptoe characters?

I feel your pain OP. My DH grew his hair a few years ago - I absolutely hated it. I was honest with him and he cut it - problem solved. If my DH hated something about my appearance that I could easily solve, I would do it.

You literally HAVE to tell him how you feel. I would (and would be brutally honest).

I believe it.

I had this for a bit. My late dh grew a short beard soon after we met - absolutely fine, nice in fact. About 12 years in, he decided to let it grow really long, straggly and uncut. I absolutely hated it. We'd have sex in the dark and I'd see the beardy silhouette above me and it was horrible.

Eventually he cut it again snd I was so so relieved. Tbh I don't know what the answer is when something your partner likes changes the way you feel about them. Is everything else OK in your relationship?

He's likely to double down if he's at all stubborn.

I'd mention in passing that it's a really hard look to pull off.
Unfortunately it makes most men look much older, and scruffy.
It's very high maintenance, requires lots of attention and product

How nice he looked before.

Drip,drip,drip.

Nuclear option, shy away when he comes for a kiss and look worriedly at his beard- have you washed it?

Hopefully he'll lose interest in it.

You can't help what you find attractive on someone and it could differ man to man, some men would suit that look. At the same time it's his body and he can look how he wants. Imagine if a woman changed something about her appearance, started hanging out in slobs and messy hair etc, people on here would say he should still find that attractive and he would be controlling for trying to change it.

There's another post above this saying she told her husband she didn't like his new look so he changed it back. Imagine the absolute uproar of a man came on here and said the same about his wife!

It’s a complex one. I wouldn’t change my look because dp didn’t like. I am growing out my grey and I think dp can like it or leave. I want to look how I feel comfortable. But then would rather be single than with someone who tries to dictate how I look. Someday I look fabulous. Some days I look like shit depending on how I feel and what I am doing.

That said, people pretend all the time that looks shouldn’t be part of long term relationships. But they are. If you no longer find someone attractive you don’t.

I don’t think there’s an easy answer. I think the whole ‘he needs to look a certain way for my job’ is a bit ridiculous.

Dps hair has been long and grade 1 all over. He has a short beard. He shaved the beard off last week and me and DS thought it look awful. But I would have got used to it. I fancied him. I absolutely wouldn’t try and influence his look for my job though.

There’s also a huge difference between a well kept beard, even when growing it and a dirty unkempt one. Personally, If he wants a beard, I would be steering him towards actually looking after it.

At the end of the day, if you really would leave him if he refuses to shave it off, even if he likes it (presuming he keeps it clean and groomed) then you should leave him. I would get rid of dp if he insisted I needed to start dying my hair again.

Of course you can not like his new appearance and of course you can tell him.
but making him change how he wants to be comes across slightly controlling to me.
sorry

Why wouldn’t you tell him. If I was doing something that made DH think it might actually be better to leave me rather than just tell me, I’d be furious. Either you’re looking for an excuse to leave or just being plain silly, it’s a beard ffs. When DH decided to grow a beard I just told him there’s a point where it’s too long and gives me the ick. He gets it, he prefers me to not have underarm hair and straggly pubes too so I oblige because it’s a compromise I’m willing to make.

If he went bald and you found baldness unattractive would you also consider leaving him then?

I can imagine if I decided to grow my nipple hair and make little plaits with it that the average guy wouldn't love it.

A beard is a choice. It's not a body shape change due to childbearing or time.

I didn't have the answer and never said anything but they really can look incredibly awful.

She said she would think about leaving him if he kept the beard because she has a professional job and attend black tie events. I think that's more or less saying she would be embarrassed taking him for these type of people to see him.

So he actually looks like this?

If he doesn't have the right kind of beard, it won't look better as it gets longer. Some men just can't grow good beards.

Omg OP tell him straight. Tell him you can't bear it and while you generally find him attractive it's literally putting you off sex, and you find it an awful look that changes how he looks completely to the point that it's causing marriage problems. Honesty is the best policy here as it's causing SO many problems that could literally disappear if he shaved the damn thing off. I mean we can all have the right to express ourselves but if I went from long thick hair to buzz cut overnight (a total change of personality via hair, really, as I've never had anything but long hair), it'd be fair if my husband said I hate it and I'd probably end up growing it out or at least going for a compromise. A bloody beard isn't worth all this heartache!!

I was thinking the exact same thing. Other posts are saying tell him no sex or "I told my husband I didn't like his new look so he changed it back" etc can you actually imagine the scenes on this site if a man said that about his wife? They would be calling him controlling, telling the op to leave him and telling her she can look however she wants. The op has threatened to leave him because she attends black tie events! How shallow, I hope her husband leaves her if he was ever to find out about how much she wants to control him over his hair and facial hair.

I would absolutely tell him you don’t like it. I like a beard on a man but this sounds horrid.

You should definitely not feel obliged to have sex with him. Don’t say it’s because of the beard but just don’t feel you have to snog him or have sex.

No, they wouldn’t. Get a grip.

Hate beards too, my husband knows. He grows it sometimes, shaves it off sometimes. It's not really something I would consider leaving him for though!!!

I'd secretly put some wax on his beard when he's sleeping, gotta go then.

YANBU. I hate that look too, it only really suits a handful of men.

My husband started going bald when he was only 23. For the past 20 years he has shaved his hair very short all over. Sometimes has some tidy stubble.
He's suffering from depression at the moment & has let his hair grow for the first time and his beard. I understand he's not very well but he looks like a homeless person. I think it can be telling of what's going on in their head

You should definitely leave, poor man. He’ll have stuck by you without word through your unattractive phases and honestly you’re coming across as deeply unattractive with your words.

How do you know he has stuck by her without a word?