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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH I hate his new look?

256 replies

topazyouth · 07/11/2022 06:25

Name changed for this because I feel like a bitch (and also in case anyone recognised the description!)

DH has recently decided to sort of grow his hair out and grow a long straggly beard. He's fair so his beard is red. I've attached a Google image to illustrate the sort of look he's going for although he does not look like this... he's the 'nailed it' versionHmm

I hate it. I don't find him attractive at the moment and now go out of my way to avoid sex because it actually turns me off. I am embarrassed to be seen out with him- as is DD1 who is 15. For the first time in 17 years I have started looking at other men and fancying them (I wouldn't cheat).

WIBU to tell him how much I hate it? I love him to pieces and if it were a disfigurement he had no control over I would feel differently but he's choosing to look like this. I have told him I think it looks silly before- as have his mates - but he doesn't seem to care...

To tell DH I hate his new look?
OP posts:
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5
beachcitygirl · 07/11/2022 08:33

There's an episode in modern family, where jay stops making an effort, doesn't shave, joggers etc & Gloria stopped shaving, no make up, greasy hair etc
The message got through pretty quickly.

I'd tell hi. OP and bluntly.

"I don't want to sleep with you like that because you're giving me the ick" - your choice.

Overandunderit · 07/11/2022 08:35

If this was reversed with you saying "my DH doesn't like my new look and hair cut and says he doesn't find me attractive" the replies would be so different.

YANBU to tell him you don't like the look but all these suggestions of "no sex until you conform and look how I like" are controlling and gross

Midlifemusings · 07/11/2022 08:35

There are some threads about how my husband hates how I look or my husband hates my new hair cut or my husband only finds me attractive with long hair or my husband doesn't like x about my appearance.

I will see if I can find a few for you. The general consensus is a lot of name calling of these men and that they are misogynistic assholes.

Strangerthings4NW · 07/11/2022 08:35

This “look” was in for a while but it’s passed now. It’s a fairy dramatic look to go for, surely there’s more to his reason to do this?

beachcitygirl · 07/11/2022 08:35

My other half has a very cool hipster beard & the tattoos & I love it.

He threatened to shave the other week & I was horrified (he has a weak chin)
I mean I'd still love & fancy him but I do find his look sexy.
I started talking about a breast reduction.
That did the trick.

Rainbowbaby13 · 07/11/2022 08:37

NotLovingWFH · 07/11/2022 07:14

Why wouldn’t you tell him. If I was doing something that made DH think it might actually be better to leave me rather than just tell me, I’d be furious. Either you’re looking for an excuse to leave or just being plain silly, it’s a beard ffs. When DH decided to grow a beard I just told him there’s a point where it’s too long and gives me the ick. He gets it, he prefers me to not have underarm hair and straggly pubes too so I oblige because it’s a compromise I’m willing to make.

I agree with this 100% it does sound like you aren't that bothered whether you're with him or not. I don't think it's just about the look.

AJ2009 · 07/11/2022 08:39

Tbh when my husband grew a beard and kept it trim I found him 100% more attractive.
He then got drunk one birthday and shaved the lot off and I felt I had a teenage husband.
It turned me off something rotten.

He didn't like it either so he grew it back and has kept it since.

I don't know how I would feel if he wanted to suddenly become clean shaven again as he looks like a child like that and I found it very unatttactive. But what I don't understand is why I spent so many years with him being clean shaven and it didn't bother me until he let it grow.

So I do understand your feelings OP. J think it may be time to have another chat and see if there's a compromise

Mentalpiece · 07/11/2022 08:40

Many years ago, I came home to find my husband had not only shaved all his beautiful thick hair off, but he had taken a razor to it too.
Heck, he looked like a blooming billiard ball !!!
He was most offended that I laughed till I cried.
Fortunately it grew back quite quickly and he never shaved it again.

Lalliella · 07/11/2022 08:41

thelobsterquadrille · 07/11/2022 08:03

These threads fascinate me.

If a woman came on here and said "my husband won't have sex with me because I've decided to stop shaving my legs/waxing my eyebrows" there would be uproar. Even more so if she went on to say how he was embarrassed to be with her and wouldn't take her to work events until she shaved or went to get her eyebrows done.

Imagine a man telling a woman she had to "put a paper bag over her head" before he'd have sex with her (as per PP). He'd be called an abusive, controlling wanker.

Yet the other way round, and it's totally okay to say those things about your husband, it's okay to refer to him as a "homeless Ian Beale" and say you'd rather leave him than get used to the beard 🤔

But if he looks like homeless Ian Beale he looks like homeless Ian Beale. It’s a fact not an insult. You can’t help what you do and don’t find attractive in a man. If she doesn’t find him attractive through something he’s done by choice, then he has another choice - does he want to continue being unattractive to his wife or not?

OP why don’t you show him the IB photo and say “Look DH, I’ve been trying to think who you remind me of with that beard…”

Basecamp · 07/11/2022 08:42

Maybe you should grow out your leg and/or armpit hair and see if he reacts badly. If he does, then you can demand that his beard also has to go.

LaGioconda · 07/11/2022 08:42

ladydimitrescu · 07/11/2022 06:40

It won't look right until he gets to the right length, it doesn't happen overnight when you're changing your look.
Please don't tell him he's unattractive - that will stick with him for a very long time. It's his choice ultimately, you don't have the right to make him a certain way so you fancy him.
If a man wrote this, every reply would be beyond vicious.

It won't look right even then. If I saw the bloke in the picture, I wouldn't be impressed. I suspect I'd be thinking mid-life crisis.

dammit88 · 07/11/2022 08:43

Joshanddonna · 07/11/2022 06:49

You'll be sorry when he retrains as a Viking and you don't get to share all his plunders.

😂😂😂

CountZacular · 07/11/2022 08:44

thelobsterquadrille · 07/11/2022 08:21

Lots of women do drastically change their hairstyles though. Long hair to pixie cuts, for example, or that style to have half your head shaved (I forget what it's called).

The posts may get tiring but they're true - a man who posted the equivalent would get absolutely slaughtered for being shallow and not letting his wife have her hair however she chooses.

Show quote history

But it’s not true.

Not all posters are a hive mind. Different posters feel differently about things and aren’t always the same posters on all the threads. It is tiring hearing posters make blanket statements

If a man no longer was attracted to his wife for something like-for-like - so something more extreme than a bit of stubble - then it would be fine for the man to raise it and then make a decision about his future based on that.

JustDanceAddict · 07/11/2022 08:45

You’re certainly entitled to not like his new look & I agree it sounds grim. I’m not a beard fan - not quite the same but my ds grows one periodically and I’m always relieved when he shaves it off. He looks so much nicer with no beard and a hair cut!!
dh and I have a decent communication around our looks etc - we know what the other likes/dislikes - we’re getting older now so we don’t go off piste anyway! If you are initially attracted to a certain look and your partner goes down a completely different path of their own volition then it’s harder to find them attractive I suppose. It would have to be pretty drastic like beards/extreme hair cut/style change.
we are all only human after all. I think same applies whether man woman or gay/straight btw.

Sittingonabench · 07/11/2022 08:45

Take him to a mens stylist - and get it neatened while still maintaining length. He doesn’t know how to take care of it and keep it neat I would imagine but if he did then I think that would resolve your issue. It is his decision and while asking him to change I think is unreasonable, asking him to look into how to maintain the style he is wanting could be helpful.

TommyShelby · 07/11/2022 08:46

My uncle is trying to do this and it looks absolutely awful. He honestly looks like the worst tramp you’ve ever seen.

Hugsgalore · 07/11/2022 08:46

topazyouth · 07/11/2022 06:50

Thank you, that made me smile Grin

Show quote history

😂😂😂

Hugsgalore · 07/11/2022 08:48

I’m in stitches at this thread!!

op- I’d be turned off too if my husband tried to do something like this. He really wouldn’t pull it off.
I think you should mention it but in a nice way. Or maybe suggest some helpful improvements?

knittingaddict · 07/11/2022 08:48

Sittingonabench · 07/11/2022 08:45

Take him to a mens stylist - and get it neatened while still maintaining length. He doesn’t know how to take care of it and keep it neat I would imagine but if he did then I think that would resolve your issue. It is his decision and while asking him to change I think is unreasonable, asking him to look into how to maintain the style he is wanting could be helpful.

You don't take a grown man to the hairdresser. Honestly some of the posts on here are astonishing.

Wheredoallthepensgo · 07/11/2022 08:49

Softplayhooray · 07/11/2022 07:20

Omg OP tell him straight. Tell him you can't bear it and while you generally find him attractive it's literally putting you off sex, and you find it an awful look that changes how he looks completely to the point that it's causing marriage problems. Honesty is the best policy here as it's causing SO many problems that could literally disappear if he shaved the damn thing off. I mean we can all have the right to express ourselves but if I went from long thick hair to buzz cut overnight (a total change of personality via hair, really, as I've never had anything but long hair), it'd be fair if my husband said I hate it and I'd probably end up growing it out or at least going for a compromise. A bloody beard isn't worth all this heartache!!

I agree. Don't tip toe round it because at some point the frustration will likely build to a point you say something in anger and it will be much more hurtful than a considered, calm conversation.

ny20005 · 07/11/2022 08:50

I feel your pain ! My dh decided he was growing a beard a few years ago & very much told me it was his face & his choice.

I hate facial hair & have skin issues that it aggravates. I didn't let him near me until it was longer & soft with beard oil. My choice too. I used to flinch involuntarily when he came near me

It was definitely some sort of mid life crisis though - luckily he decided about a year later to shave it off

Yes it's his choice but you can't help his you feel either

Midlifemusings · 07/11/2022 08:51

These kinds of threads are where it would be good to have upvote or downvote or like / dislike type buttons. Would the sexist posts rise to the top or sink to the bottom?

Wheredoallthepensgo · 07/11/2022 08:54

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 07/11/2022 07:52

Is that your DH. I think he looks okay. There again I'm not the one married to him.
I must say though if this was a man writing this about a women (and showing her picture) assuming that is his picture he'd be eaten alive.

The first picture? Reread the OP. No that's not her husband, that's a luscious Viking. Her husband is a scruff bag homeless Ian Beale crossed with Catweazle Grin

Sally090807 · 07/11/2022 08:55

Maybe he just needs it styled and trimmed properly.

To tell DH I hate his new look?
gannett · 07/11/2022 08:55

It's not that hard to share opinions on your partner's new look.

If DP grew a beard or if I shaved my hair off we'd naturally say to the other "wow, you've changed your look, why have you done that?" To which the response is usually some form of "do you think it works?" At which point one can say "not really tbh". You can be honest without being hurtful.

We both know each other's turn-offs already though. I don't like long hair or beards on men and have made that known. DP doesn't like the overly-tanned, extensions and fake lashes look, not that I'd want that either.

So if DP grew a beard I'd be able to say "why have you done that, you know I don't like it".