To tell DH I hate his new look?

[topazyouth]

Name changed for this because I feel like a bitch (and also in case anyone recognised the description!)

DH has recently decided to sort of grow his hair out and grow a long straggly beard. He's fair so his beard is red. I've attached a Google image to illustrate the sort of look he's going for although he does not look like this... he's the 'nailed it' version

I hate it. I don't find him attractive at the moment and now go out of my way to avoid sex because it actually turns me off. I am embarrassed to be seen out with him- as is DD1 who is 15. For the first time in 17 years I have started looking at other men and fancying them (I wouldn't cheat).

WIBU to tell him how much I hate it? I love him to pieces and if it were a disfigurement he had no control over I would feel differently but he's choosing to look like this. I have told him I think it looks silly before- as have his mates - but he doesn't seem to care...

These threads fascinate me.

If a woman came on here and said "my husband won't have sex with me because I've decided to stop shaving my legs/waxing my eyebrows" there would be uproar. Even more so if she went on to say how he was embarrassed to be with her and wouldn't take her to work events until she shaved or went to get her eyebrows done.

Imagine a man telling a woman she had to "put a paper bag over her head" before he'd have sex with her (as per PP). He'd be called an abusive, controlling wanker.

Yet the other way round, and it's totally okay to say those things about your husband, it's okay to refer to him as a "homeless Ian Beale" and say you'd rather leave him than get used to the beard 🤔

Yeah Yeah

I think facial hair for some women is a hard No and they can't find beards attractive.

I'm not sure what might be the equivalent for men,something that they might find a turn off..hairy underarm hair??

Yep. There is a lot of truth to this.

Im baffled by people saying you should just suck it up and not say anything.
If dp suddenly started dressing like a hobo I'd be alarmed and I would fancy him less. Because he wouldn't look as nice would he? I'd still love him, but I wouldn't fancy him as much, at which point I'd wonder why he was making that choice-and why his ridiculous beard or whatever was more important to him than me fancying him and thus having a decent sex life.

Ditto if I chose to do something to myself that I knew fine well DP wouldn't like (ie he hates eyebrow piercings) that would be me telling him I didn't give a monkeys if he found me attractive. I love him so I want him to fancy me, and I want to fancy him. It's not controlling to want to look nice for your partner and want them to look nice for you is it?

It's actually probably quite healthy to still want to make the effort for one another-I'd be worried if that wasn't the case. That's not to say you have to look perfect all the time or a day in your joggers on the couch is out of the question-of course it's important to feel comfortable but if it was all the time (or you do something permanent to yourself that you know your partner hates) then to me that a bit of a statement about how much you care about them and your relationship really.

Clearly if you are ill or whatever none of that applies but this is a deliberate choice on the part of OP's Dp.

I think you are just being honest. I would feel exactly the same if my husband did this because it's just not him.

I love him because he's a laid back type, straightforward bloke. He likes working with his hands and as long as his hair is cut neat and tidy pays it no real attention.

He chose me (I assume!) Because he likes a low maintenance woman happy in a tent or climbing hills. If I got a spray tan, big lips and started wearing high heels I couldn't walk in then I think he would have something say because it would be the complete opposite of the 'me' he knows.

My best pal has different coloured hair every week and loves to change up her look but that's part and parcel of who she is and if she died her hair blue her husband wouldn't bat an eyelid. In fact he'd probably ask why she's gone so dull. Again that's what he fell for.

If it's reflective of a big shift in personality then something else is going on and I don't think ignoring it is healthy.

Maybe he wants to grow the beard but doesn’t know how to?
He needs to trim it everyday ie: level 1 this week, lever 2 next week etc.

But are you sure there isn’t anything going on between his ears?

I think your reaction is pretty extreme. My husband has gone through many style changes, a few of which I’ve seriously hated, but I just waited it out. At one point he had such long hair he put it in a pony tail (I despise long hair on men) and I just waited. One day he cut it all off. If you must say something, I’d tone it down. ‘I’m not crazy about your beard but you know, your choice’ etc

Beards are a total turn off.
As is long hair.
I'm with you OP.
Has your DD mentioned anything to him? She could get away with being more direct less than tactful more than you will.

The ‘if a man’ posts popping up every other post get really tiring after a while.

Most women, when changing their look, don’t tend to deliberately go for an unkempt look that drastically changes their face shape. If OP isn’t attracted to this new look then she isn’t attracted to it, and if he wants to stick with it then OP has to make a choice.

Have you said anything at all? I think it's fine for you to say you don't like his beard. Better than divorcing him rather than asking him to shave it off. At least he can decide whether he thinks you're too shallow or not. I'm torn because it really shouldn't matter but I wouldn't want to shag catweazle either (or even the man in the photo as that dandy-as-welder look gets on my nerves. But I'm pretty sure that guy would not shag me either).

Lots of women do drastically change their hairstyles though. Long hair to pixie cuts, for example, or that style to have half your head shaved (I forget what it's called).

The posts may get tiring but they're true - a man who posted the equivalent would get absolutely slaughtered for being shallow and not letting his wife have her hair however she chooses.

I think you are being really mean. It’s a look he clearly admires and he is proactively trying to do something with his appearance - all changes like this take time. There are lots of women on here moaning that their husband doesn’t care about his appearance at all, which is definitely worse!

Imagine if he posted on a forum saying that you were trying to grow your hair long, or grow out your highlights and he was repulsed by you now because it wasn’t instantly working - and you FOUND the post and shared it on here? Everyone would be saying LTB.

Beards take time. They look straggly at first (especially if he is fair) and then they thicken out. He does need to keep it trimmed though to avoid the catweazle look in the meantime. Similarly short hair always looks disastrous for a while when you try to grow it out. So long as he is keeping it clean and not fully deluding himself about thinning (in which case he might look more Viking if he just shaved it off) you just have to be patient.

While he’s at it, you should get onto his TikTok when he’s out of the room and like a bunch of videos of vikingy men doing CrossFit and weights to trick his algorithm - you might as well get the full package if he’s going for the manly man vibe!

I agree @CountZacular it does get dull. As if a man would be asking online whether and how to tell his partner he didn't like her hairstyle anyway or as if the whole world isn't set up around exactly what might make a man's cock hard. We are conditioned in completely different ways anyway.

Can you imagine the comments if the shoe was on the other foot?

What a ridiculous comment . Just shows how many on here regard leaving a spouse and separating a family is as simple and painless as changing a bloody coat !

Of course you are not shallow OP. Sexual attraction is the glue that keeps a couple together. (Even when sex is no longer possible ) .. it's the difference between being flat mates and partners. !

If you now longer feel sexually attracted then that IS going to affect your relationship. It's not shallow it's a biological reaction. All animals need this feeling to procreate. Of course we have evolved to the point of 'love' which is why you didn't up and leave at the first sight of this change - but sexual attraction is hugely important.

Rather than the usual fatuous and cavalier rally cry of LTB you could perhaps be honest with him OP. Give HIM the choice between his new haircut /weird beard or a Divorce. ?

You have probably been too 'nice' (not wanting to hurt his feelings but that does him no favours if it results in the destruction of his marriage and family.

Beards make me feel physically ill yanbu.
Every so often my husband decides it’s time for the “Bepe Di Marco” to make a comeback and I hate it. I don’t say anything because it’s his face but he knows I hate it as I won’t kiss him.

Why are you so afraid to tell him what you think?

Whilst DH and I have changed different aspects of our looks over the years, if one of us did something the other didn't like, I think we'd tell each other. It's not unreasonable.

If your DH looked like that when you met you don't sound like you would have dated him. So tell him you like the clean shaven look. You aren't making him change but as partners, shouldn't there be a balance between us not caring what others think and wanting to look good for our partners and ourselves?

I think you need to be clear and upfront with him. The look doesn't do it for you. If you try and hint passively, he may just get pissed off or even not take the hint.

@topazyouth

i would tel him you do t like beards versus his look.

what and how would you react if he said the same to you!

🤣

Really? When I stopped dyeing my hair my husband should have cheated.

I obviously can't say what I want to on here, so I'll keep quiet now and leave you to it

My dh attempted something similar in lock down. I quite like him stubbly so I quite liked it. However he is fair and also not heavy of beard growth and it jus looked awful. He grew his hair at the same time and it just didn't suit him as a look.

I didn't say anything directly but if he asked I said I preferred him without it. After about 9 months he got rid of how own accord and then I told him how much I hated it.

He did exactly the same thing to me when I had my hair cut short. He doesn't grow a beard for me, I do t cut my hair too short for him. We both have had other physical changes around weight and other stuff that doesn't bother us but this was a pretty superficial one.

As much as it sounds awful, I'm not sure you can. I know how I would feel if a man made comments about my appearance 😅

Tell him you hate beards. There's nothing wrong with hating beards and you make it less about him and more about beards. Personally I find some beards look like untamed pubes and it makes me feel icky.

I think you should be honest with him. Tactful, respectful, and loving, yes, but honest. Don't start out saying he looks horrible or you're repulsed, but certainly you miss seeing his face, loved the sexy sleek haircut he had before, etc. But you may have to go further than that. I'd feel horrible if I found out my partner had been turned off by my new look for months and thought I was too fragile to have an honest conversation about it. And of course you can't tell him he has to change his look, but you've clearly acknowledged that in the original post. (For the "oh, the poor men" brigade: I'd say the same if it were two men, two women, or a man who didn't fancy his wife's new beard.)

As for the idea that it's shallow to be concerned about how others perceive his "look", it's always a matter of degree. I bet many people on here would hesitate to be seen in public/at a professional event with a partner who'd, for example, suddenly got white supremacist facial tattoos.

If a woman came on here and said "my husband won't have sex with me because I've decided to stop shaving my legs/waxing my eyebrows" there would be uproar.
I've never seen posters advocating for compulsory nonconsensual sex on here, except the occasional obvious troll that gets deleted.