For asking my Ukrainian guest to get a job so they can move out?

[Erith1985]

Wondering if anyone else is going through the same thing.

I’ve been hosting a Ukrainian guest at my house for six months. I’m appalled by the war and I have a big spare room with its own bathroom and so although I normally live alone by choice, I offered up my room. The first few months were ok, they are clean and tidy and were out and about a fair amount so we didn’t get in each other’s way. We didn’t discuss length of stay when they first arrived because I didn’t want them to feel unwelcome. I figured I would bring it up when they got a job.

That hasn’t happened. They say they have been sending off their CV and getting some interviews, but they haven’t secured anything. It seems they have only been looking at jobs in their previous sector, and that they have pretty high salary expectations since they’re complaining about the 45% tax rate. In the meantime, they’ve now settled into a routine that means they are at home nearly all the time - coming down to cook three times a day and only seeming to leave the house to go to the gym or the job centre, and spend most of the time in between instagramming. It feels like the heating and / or the oven is constantly on and they aren’t very communicative so when we’re in the shared space at the same time it feels awkward.

We finally had the conversation a month or so ago to say that I would like my hosting to end at the end of November, which they accepted on the basis that they were sure they would have secured one of the jobs they were going for by then, but there’s no sign of that being the case. When I ventured that they might need to look at work that wasn’t their first choice sector, they looked at me like I was mad and said that they’d rather start her own business (!) They’ve also mentioned several times how expensive flats in our area are and how they needs the big salary they want to be able to afford it.

I’m really just at a loss for how to handle this situation - I obviously won’t be turfing them out on the streets but how do I make them see that they might have to accept work that is not their ideal and work towards it? And / or rent a room that is outside of London to be able to afford it? They have great language skills, and there’s no reason they couldn’t find work other than they aren’t willing to consider something which isn’t their “dream job” and furthering their career; I totally get wanting that, but not at the expense of being able to support yourself. I’m worried that I am now just stuck hosting as long as they want me to, and the Council have been no help (basically got a letter saying “no other hosts available and we hope you’ll help them as long as they need you”.)

Am I being unreasonable for wanting them to work harder at getting a job (any job) so that I can have my house back?

I think you have been patient -more patient that l would be. But they can’t spend yet more time not working. They need to start setting their sights a bit lower. Plus not having the heating and oven on all the time!

Beggars can’t be choosers !
They should be willing to rent outside London and accept a job that isn’t a ‘dream job’

It is not reasonable to want everything for nothing. Stick to your guns . Give a firm ‘to leave by’ date. That will focus her mind a bit.

YANBU to not want your house back. I'm afraid you're going to have to be very firm with her, otherwise she could still be with you next year.

They need to moderate their ambitions. And while that’s going on you can and should be firm about stuff like using the heating and oven. They’re your bills and they’ll be rising fast anyway even without blatant piss taking.

Necessity is the mother of all invention, at present they are not incentivised to look for lower paid work so they won’t. Stop pussy footing around and be very about your expectations.

Dump them at your local council.

YANBU

I'd probably just change the locks and turf them out!

Honestly though. Talk about taking the piss. Give them a later stating they need to be out by such and such date. If they can't, they can go home surely.

I fail to see why anyone would host? Do you get paid?

Give them a departure date - 30th November - and point them at available bedsits and studios at the lower end of the market. Time for a reality check.

I suppose if they're used to commanding that kind of salary, I can see why it would be another slap in the face to consider a job that would reduce the lifestyle I was accustomed to so dramatically.

However, I understand where your coming from. To be honest op I would never have been able to invite someone in like that even if I was able because I just know how these things usually go.

The only way the council will house them is if they become homeless. If you don't want to do that then I suggest setting some strong boundaries around the use of your home and utilities and having another conversation.

But I don't envy your position at all.

I’m also a host.
Council helpfulness varies, but they are who you need to contact. Start with the team that vetted you in the first place or who pay your monthly contribution.
Tell them that you gave your tenant notice the required 2 months ago (or whatever date you did), and that you will be unable to house them from dd/mm. If you can make that the end of November, say, that will give them plenty of time to spring into action. Make it clear to the council that this is not negotiable (council are likely to ask you to reconsider, but just politely decline). They will then sort out alternative accommodation for this individual. It may well not be where they want or of the type they want, but that is absolutely not your problem. You’ve been a great host, for the agreed period- your job is done 😘

Well what's stopping them from getting their ideal job whilst they are working in a lower paid one and house sharing or renting a room???

Guilted by the media in some kind of bizarre social experiment.

I remember back when this started loads of threads on here denigrating those who wouldn’t/couldn’t offer up their homes for free and thinking ‘we’ll see how many threads there are when this all comes out.’

Realistically, you’ve done a wonderfully kind thing. Now your kindness is being taken advantage of. Any decent person would be aware of the imposition they are causing living rent free in someone else’s home and would take any job. I mean, wouldn’t we all like to live for free? I know I would! But my choice isn’t ‘amazing job for great wages’ or ‘just chill at home, someone else will sort the bills.’

You’ve been more than kind.

I would give them an end date and say you need them out by then. If they aren’t looking for work in all areas then to be blunt that is their problem.

Its easy to feel sorry for someone because they’re fleeing a war torn country but at the end of the day they have to want to help themselves too, and you’ve done enough.

Absolutely this.

Don't be guilted by anyone.

You have been very kind IMO.

This is very very common OP so don’t beat yourself up about it, and don’t let yourself be taken advantage of either.

The government wasn’t very frank with the Ukranians when this scheme was publicised. The UK leaflets boasted about our scheme and gave some the impression that it is government provided accommodation. UK citizens on thenother hand thought they were providing temporary shelter from war - yet most of the Ukranians I have spoken to see it more as a gap year / path to eventual British citizenship. Few see themselves as beggars. The working class Ukranians who arrived in our area got on with it and found jobs as cleaners/gardeners, but the majority seem to be middle class professionals who expected to slot into a similar role in UK and are not willing to take menial work. Local companies have given them free gym memberships, childcare etc but they will not consider menial work. Some of our local refugees chose to come here instead of staying with their distant family members in safe third countries.

Even if they are willing to take minimum wage jobs, and even if they can find those with poor English, and even if they can find an affordable houseshare, then they’re still going to struggle to find a landlord willing to rent to them without a guarantor (which only an idiot would agree to be for a stranger).

I don’t know what the answer is but it is not for hosts to provide free accommodation indefinitely.

You need to have the conversation you had about more realistic jobs again OP. It will take more than once for it to sink in, but this person needs to get the message that you it’s time for them to go.

This was why I did not offer to host. I felt sure that the government had no longer term plan for what should happen after the initial 6 months were up and we would be stuck.

OP, you are obviously a very kind person, much kinder than me. I agree with those saying that you need to speak to your local council and firmly set a date for when this agreement will en, when you will no longer be able to continue hosting.

The only way to get your home back in the near future will be to force the issue. It won't be pleasant I am sure, but currently you are being severely taken advantage of and it needs to stop. No good deed goes unpunished.

I absolutely would be turfing them out on the street.

That should read "for when this agreement will end."

I do wonder how the guest doesn’t feel embarrassed that they are behaving in this way, imposing on somebody’s kindness/charity. If it was me I’d be looking for literally ANY job.

You're going to have to give them and end date and unfortunately for them "by the end of the year" is probably fairest. Or before Christmas. Give them a month's notice and then stick to it don't let them say yes sure fine if I get this high salary job.

These replies have been really helpful, now we know which ways we can gently nudge the brits into hating Ukrainians without sounding like complete dicks. Everyone is so earnest and caring except that they aren’t - we enjoy the repeated use of ‘beggars can’t be choosers throughout’ by largely well off people in the Uk (I.e Mumsnet) when referring to people who are fleeing invasion - we‘ll start using that.

Love, the Kremlin

How ridiculous 😆🙄