For asking my Ukrainian guest to get a job so they can move out?

[Erith1985]

Wondering if anyone else is going through the same thing.

I’ve been hosting a Ukrainian guest at my house for six months. I’m appalled by the war and I have a big spare room with its own bathroom and so although I normally live alone by choice, I offered up my room. The first few months were ok, they are clean and tidy and were out and about a fair amount so we didn’t get in each other’s way. We didn’t discuss length of stay when they first arrived because I didn’t want them to feel unwelcome. I figured I would bring it up when they got a job.

That hasn’t happened. They say they have been sending off their CV and getting some interviews, but they haven’t secured anything. It seems they have only been looking at jobs in their previous sector, and that they have pretty high salary expectations since they’re complaining about the 45% tax rate. In the meantime, they’ve now settled into a routine that means they are at home nearly all the time - coming down to cook three times a day and only seeming to leave the house to go to the gym or the job centre, and spend most of the time in between instagramming. It feels like the heating and / or the oven is constantly on and they aren’t very communicative so when we’re in the shared space at the same time it feels awkward.

We finally had the conversation a month or so ago to say that I would like my hosting to end at the end of November, which they accepted on the basis that they were sure they would have secured one of the jobs they were going for by then, but there’s no sign of that being the case. When I ventured that they might need to look at work that wasn’t their first choice sector, they looked at me like I was mad and said that they’d rather start her own business (!) They’ve also mentioned several times how expensive flats in our area are and how they needs the big salary they want to be able to afford it.

I’m really just at a loss for how to handle this situation - I obviously won’t be turfing them out on the streets but how do I make them see that they might have to accept work that is not their ideal and work towards it? And / or rent a room that is outside of London to be able to afford it? They have great language skills, and there’s no reason they couldn’t find work other than they aren’t willing to consider something which isn’t their “dream job” and furthering their career; I totally get wanting that, but not at the expense of being able to support yourself. I’m worried that I am now just stuck hosting as long as they want me to, and the Council have been no help (basically got a letter saying “no other hosts available and we hope you’ll help them as long as they need you”.)

Am I being unreasonable for wanting them to work harder at getting a job (any job) so that I can have my house back?

As it should be!

It sounds like some Ukrainians are similar to some English and other nationalities re being workshy and taking advantage and some like your guest are great house guests.

In this case OP, I'd maybe give her a short time to find any job and if she doesn't do so, then issue her with a leaving notice?

I have been hosting successfully since May - a mum who started working almost immediately and her two well behaved animal-loving children, ages 7 and 12. All is going great and they're no trouble.I just wanted to mention this as I get annoyed by the "I told you so" posters who claim incredible psychic powers that things were never going to work out based on a few isolated incidences that people post about on here.

OP in your position I'd give a move-out date and stick with it, informing the council who have a duty to take it from there.

What a frustrating situation OP. There was a thread like yours a few weeks ago so it doesn't seem to be an isolated thing.
I think there's a huge difference in expectations between you and your guest, from the off.
In an ex-eastern block country like the Ukraine, people are used to and expect the state to provide. Education is very important and once you've qualified and/or experienced that's it, that's what you are. People will stay unemployed rather than take a lower-level job, they'd see it as humiliating and an admission of failure.
I'm not at all certain that Ukrainian guests always and completely understand how hugely generous their hosts are. How very much higher the basic cost of living is, how much more of a struggle it is to be able to afford things like an extra room in your house, petrol in your car, heating, food.
Or how an English woman's home is her castle.
Or how worried about their own economic and financial situation many, many Brits are.
Some Ukrainians might assume that our government 'encouraging' the hosting scheme more or less equals having to do it. And/or that the £350 a month are amply sufficient to cover the cost of their stay in your home.
Sorry if I am only stating the obvious to you OP!
Maybe there's a need for more conversation with our guests about the expectations this country places on its people, from the proportion of our income that goes into having a place to call home to the things pp do like sharing houses to afford to live in a certain area, accepting lower paid jobs to earn a living, travelling or relocating for work. Generally being screwed by everyone.
I am not saying that any of this is comparable to warfare on your doorstep.
But people need to have an understanding of our society it if they have decided to make a life in the UK.

Just to be clear I didn’t say my guest was “dirty, lazy, noisy” - quite the opposite! My guest is quiet, clean, courteous, and never leaves mess or fails to clean up after themselves.

I think this is the thing though - imagine sending a random selection of British people over to another country. You’d get some people like this, and some advantage taking arseholes. Just because you’re fleeing war doesn’t mean you can’t be selfish and taking advantage. If you were a dick before you’ll be a dick afterwards too.

And that’s where the ‘I told you so’ came from. Nobody was saying ‘Ukrainians are bad, don’t help them!’ They were saying ‘a program encouraging people to open their homes indefinitely to random people, some of whom will likely not be very nice to live with, with no real financial or practical support, isn’t a great idea and will result in problems for many.’

A guest can be quiet, clean and courteous.

They can also take the piss especially once they've stayed for a while, with using heating etc and thinking the property is more theirs than the owners.

This woman needs to get a job ASAP, you are not her gravy train OP.

You need to make clear that the November deadline is still in place. She needs to move out.

It's lovely @Catslovepies it sounds like yours is the situation that most hosts were envisaging and hoping for.

Why do you keep calling her "they"?

Qq- why doesn't the government and people won't host the other refugees arriving from other war torn countries from Africa and middle East at homes of general UK public like for Ukraine?
Anything to do with skin colour at all!

🙄

It's fascinating isn't it how people can be encouraged to turn against whole groups by using one or two extreme anecdotes. Not saying this one is untrue at all, but it is the way nearly all extremists operate - tell a story people can relate too, make them feel outraged and that their way of life may be under threat. Make it human and relatable - don't deal in statistics, deal in stories.

Or those who are having problems share it whilst we don’t know the number where the placement has gone well. It could be many more.

Indeed.

Set a firm date for leaving and stick to it. You've been more than fair and they are being completely ridiculous if they can't see things from your perspective. They're now taking the p out of your generosity and should be trying to help themselves with realistic ambitions

Give her notice again. And this time do not make it conditional on whether she has a job or not.
Unfortunately you won't be hosting her anymore after x date and she needs to move out before then.
Where she goes is not your problem.

It's a Mumsnet thing. People do it even after revealing the sex of the person/child the thread is about (e.g. 'My DD won't go to school...they stay in their bedroom all day, etc').

I find it bizarre in those circumstances.

My job now involves cleaning toilets - and I’ve done worse jobs too. So yes I bloody would. Plenty of British people work ‘menial’ jobs. Would I rather work in a much better job and have a much bigger and nicer house? Well yeah! But unfortunately I need to work to eat.

My point was, a program of ‘help’ which included asking people to open their home to basically unvetted strangers from a totally different culture (who may or may not be easy to live with) was always going to be massively problematic. It wasn’t a good idea.

Well you can't have everything for free either! When lots of British people do lots of these "MENIAL" jobs (as you think), a job is just a way to put food on table. Everyone needs to get to grips with reality of real world where you have to work to earn money to be able to put food on the table and not expect everything will come for free irrespective of if you are a refugee or a British citizen.

We have a ukrainian guest too. Working in an almost NMW job despite having a degree and post graduate qualifications. She's managed to save £500 pm and hopefully moving out tomorrow into a shared house. Saying that we live in the NW where rent is relatively reasonable. Back when the scheme first started I was always sceptical about how the hosts in expensive rural areas or London would cope post 6 months. I just think emotion got the better of people....
I'm a member of a facebook hosts support group. Some of the tales are shocking, others heart warming. Over the last few months some of the posters have sounded like UKIP supporters tbh and I have pretty much distanced myself from the group.
I suspect that some of the hosts saw the experience as an opportunity to 'save' someone, others to make 'lifelong friends', one talked about it being 'an adventure' so was sorely disappointed when reality turned out differently. I think people have had unrealistic expectations about the whole thing. We've kept things business like. She doesn't want to be best friends or one of the family. Certainly didn't want to come on days out with us. She made it pretty clear we were a means to an end (a refuge) and that was it.

I think your the one who lacks self awareness ,everyone would like a nice lifestyle of course they would but people need to live and feed their families ,how do you expect people to do that on zero income ?
My dh works in a ware house ,a lot of his collegyes are from eastern europe ,many are highly educated ,but they take minimum wage jobs as a means to supporting themselves untill they can find employment more suitable too their education levels

In our small town they've been housed in two local luxury hotels.

They aren't luxury hotels, are they?