For asking my Ukrainian guest to get a job so they can move out?

[Erith1985]

Wondering if anyone else is going through the same thing.

I’ve been hosting a Ukrainian guest at my house for six months. I’m appalled by the war and I have a big spare room with its own bathroom and so although I normally live alone by choice, I offered up my room. The first few months were ok, they are clean and tidy and were out and about a fair amount so we didn’t get in each other’s way. We didn’t discuss length of stay when they first arrived because I didn’t want them to feel unwelcome. I figured I would bring it up when they got a job.

That hasn’t happened. They say they have been sending off their CV and getting some interviews, but they haven’t secured anything. It seems they have only been looking at jobs in their previous sector, and that they have pretty high salary expectations since they’re complaining about the 45% tax rate. In the meantime, they’ve now settled into a routine that means they are at home nearly all the time - coming down to cook three times a day and only seeming to leave the house to go to the gym or the job centre, and spend most of the time in between instagramming. It feels like the heating and / or the oven is constantly on and they aren’t very communicative so when we’re in the shared space at the same time it feels awkward.

We finally had the conversation a month or so ago to say that I would like my hosting to end at the end of November, which they accepted on the basis that they were sure they would have secured one of the jobs they were going for by then, but there’s no sign of that being the case. When I ventured that they might need to look at work that wasn’t their first choice sector, they looked at me like I was mad and said that they’d rather start her own business (!) They’ve also mentioned several times how expensive flats in our area are and how they needs the big salary they want to be able to afford it.

I’m really just at a loss for how to handle this situation - I obviously won’t be turfing them out on the streets but how do I make them see that they might have to accept work that is not their ideal and work towards it? And / or rent a room that is outside of London to be able to afford it? They have great language skills, and there’s no reason they couldn’t find work other than they aren’t willing to consider something which isn’t their “dream job” and furthering their career; I totally get wanting that, but not at the expense of being able to support yourself. I’m worried that I am now just stuck hosting as long as they want me to, and the Council have been no help (basically got a letter saying “no other hosts available and we hope you’ll help them as long as they need you”.)

Am I being unreasonable for wanting them to work harder at getting a job (any job) so that I can have my house back?

@Tukmgru

ok, so what do you suggest OP does then?

The answer is obvious for the OP - go to the council, as OP has done their bit. Genuinely good on them.

The need to post it on MN is a bit beyond me.

The responses from some whingey minority on here who have genuinely no experience or understanding of the horrors of war is also beyond me. Be grateful you are from somewhere that isn’t being invaded by a much larger totalitarian state, and maybe apply a shred of empathy for those who are experiencing that.

I think you need to give them formal written notice for the end of this month. They can use this with the council to establish homelessness.

If she is looking at jobs in higher tax bracket then she is being ridiculous. I am not saying beggars can't be choosers, but she needs yo have you treat her like a grown adult, who has been through unimaginable trauma, but needs to be realistic about her future.

Spell it out to her in words of one syllable - when she says she will not accept other jobs, then tell her she has to.

I know how hard this must be as you do not want a bad atmosphere in your home; but at the moment it is you who is shouldering the discomfort and she is just bashing on merrily.

This does seem a recurring theme. Either work shy or completely unrealistic.

You've been more than kind.

Totally fair to ask them to go, the setup should never have been organised it was unfair that the government left it to civilians to open their 🚪 without any further planning.

@Unseelie has nailed it.

The scheme was a knee-jerk reaction to a terrifying situation that we all felt was atrocious.

However, the reality is that , for large numbers of Ukrainian refugees , a life in the West was a dream . Understandably so.

These refugees weren't told that they could only stay for three months, or six months. They were simply offered safe haven.

The reality is that no one knows how long this conflict is going to last and no one , in Government, has done much about what will happen to these refugees in the long term.

People who are hosting the refugees are basically, a holding pen , which is saving the government so much more money than actually providing for them themselves.
The government is paying you a token gesture but aren't dealing with any long term issue.

I think you need to give a deadline and say that they need to secure their own accommodation .

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4659632-to-dump-my-ukrainian-guests-as-homeless?page=4&reply=120896654
Some advice on this thread.

This was another poorly thought through scheme by the government trying to get people to do things for free or very little money so they don't have to pay for them or organise them properly - but can still look like they're doing something. There seems to be literally no thought to what would happen to the people that came over if the war went on for more than 6 months. It just seems like a complete shambles for everyone involved.

This.

When this scheme started, a few of us warned this would happen but we were shouted down and told Ukrainians were culturally identical to the UK so there would be no problems or accused of being Russian bots.

This unfortunately seems to sum things up based on other thread on the subject. As for rental prices, she isn’t looking at like for like. She should be aiming for a room in a shared house or as a lodger.

Someone on another thread pointed out that applying to come to the U.K. wasn’t an easy process so we received mostly well educated people into the country. I understand it is hard to not take what is on offer rather than the equivalent position they would have back home, however, needs must and they will eventually be forced into this position by the job centre or return home. Your giving this person a deadline will hasten this process.

YANBU to give them notice that you need them to move out by a certain date at all - they will need to adjust their expectations about the sort of job they can get and where they can live.

From personal experience I do think some people in Eastern Europe think people in the UK have it easy - until they arrive. Comparatively we earn more money - but as a couple of friends have found out you often have to work long hours in professional roles with not so much time for family/leisure as they were used to. Additionally, commute times can be much longer than they were used to and it can be hard to get roles, plus the cost of living is comparatively high.

You just need to give them notice and not get drawn into persuading them to get a job.

Central Government created this issue. As people have pointed out, this issue was predicted. Every council in this country has a waiting list for Housing, 12,000 people in Ealing, 6780 in Swindon. It is very easy to say “call your local council” but councils do not have money and resources to pick up everyone. Local councils are facing huge issues with delivering social care and education with the funding they get from central government without having extra people thrust on them. You asked this person here without a long term plan, there are lots of jobs in care and retail so I suggest you help then get to where they want to be without dumping them on the council.

@Tukmgru

I agree.

I think a lot of posters are extremely naive about flats, how much they cost and how hard they are to get. Yes, even outside London.

Not answering your question (sorry) but you were very kind taking them in to your home. I am in awe of how generous people can be to total strangers who have had their world turned upside down. I can only hope if my family was in a similar situation they would experience the kindness of strangers.

Honestly, don’t ask her to get a job so she can move.

Tell her what the deadline is to move out, confirm it in writing, inform your council team.

be clear that it’s a firm deadline and she must leave by that date.

you’ve been patient, but she now needs to get on with things.

On the flipside, surely they should be grateful to those hosting them and be willing to make a life for themaelves even if it means starting at the bottom.
The people i have the most empathy for are the ones left behind in Ukraine.

Just be honest and explain you need her to get a job so she can move out, because you want the hosting to come to an end quickly. If you want to help her, then explain that the higher paid roles will be with recruitment agents rather than the job centre and help her to find some specialist recruitment agencies for her industry.

I don't know why you had to use "they" throughout, do you think a female rather than male Ukrainian refugee is unusual in some way?

The job isn't your problem. Give her a moving date and stick to it.

Why can’t they start some job and continue looking for their dream job?

You have to give an actual date. I'm ending this on November x, you have to be out by that date. I've told the council. Technically they'd be homeless, so would recieve support from the council past that date. Here unhoused immigrants including the Ukrainians, are in hotel rooms.

It's a toughie. They have fled war and lots of us wanted to help them. However, I'm now glad I didn't.

I know 2 families who are hosting and both are having massive problems. One has an older person and she has literally wreaked havoc in my friend's house to the point her DH says he is going to leave.

This is familiar. You need to put it in an email, probably more than once, and tell the council. The failure to work is simply unacceptable and is down to a failure of government communication in my view.

I had this battle with my guest when she first arrived; it took her about three months to accept that she needed a job, not the job of her dreams, and then she found a job in a local pub. She's now got an admin role in a company that does what she did in Ukraine. The next battle is housing. My local authority has no help or advice beyond "please continue to host" and because I feel responsible as her sponsor I have said she has another six months (which will be a year) to find somewhere. I have said three times now in writing that that is likely to need to be a shared room in a non glamorous location but she is currently looking at studio flats in zone 2. I figure that she will work it out eventually and that in four months time I will give notice to her and the council. In my view a year is ample to establish oneself in a country and to save enough to put down several months rent in advance when outgoings are basically zero. She buys her own food but her gym and mobile phone bills are covered, she walks to work and has no rent. I have started asking for a nominal contribution to utilities but it isn't much.

Why would these people need the council to house them? There's a labour shortage and plenty of jobs.

The council get 10k per refugee that is hosted in their local authority. They definitely can do something to help, even if that's help with deposits and guarantor for a year.