For asking my Ukrainian guest to get a job so they can move out?

[Erith1985]

Wondering if anyone else is going through the same thing.

I’ve been hosting a Ukrainian guest at my house for six months. I’m appalled by the war and I have a big spare room with its own bathroom and so although I normally live alone by choice, I offered up my room. The first few months were ok, they are clean and tidy and were out and about a fair amount so we didn’t get in each other’s way. We didn’t discuss length of stay when they first arrived because I didn’t want them to feel unwelcome. I figured I would bring it up when they got a job.

That hasn’t happened. They say they have been sending off their CV and getting some interviews, but they haven’t secured anything. It seems they have only been looking at jobs in their previous sector, and that they have pretty high salary expectations since they’re complaining about the 45% tax rate. In the meantime, they’ve now settled into a routine that means they are at home nearly all the time - coming down to cook three times a day and only seeming to leave the house to go to the gym or the job centre, and spend most of the time in between instagramming. It feels like the heating and / or the oven is constantly on and they aren’t very communicative so when we’re in the shared space at the same time it feels awkward.

We finally had the conversation a month or so ago to say that I would like my hosting to end at the end of November, which they accepted on the basis that they were sure they would have secured one of the jobs they were going for by then, but there’s no sign of that being the case. When I ventured that they might need to look at work that wasn’t their first choice sector, they looked at me like I was mad and said that they’d rather start her own business (!) They’ve also mentioned several times how expensive flats in our area are and how they needs the big salary they want to be able to afford it.

I’m really just at a loss for how to handle this situation - I obviously won’t be turfing them out on the streets but how do I make them see that they might have to accept work that is not their ideal and work towards it? And / or rent a room that is outside of London to be able to afford it? They have great language skills, and there’s no reason they couldn’t find work other than they aren’t willing to consider something which isn’t their “dream job” and furthering their career; I totally get wanting that, but not at the expense of being able to support yourself. I’m worried that I am now just stuck hosting as long as they want me to, and the Council have been no help (basically got a letter saying “no other hosts available and we hope you’ll help them as long as they need you”.)

Am I being unreasonable for wanting them to work harder at getting a job (any job) so that I can have my house back?

So what cultural differences are you seeing in this case @Endlesssummer2022 ? Only one I can see is that this person is fluent in 2 languages.

OP give her a firm leaving date and notify the council. She will be fine.

They're economic migrants who won't be going home with the war ends.

Only 20% of the county is at war.. life is normal in kyiv

You can guarantee this poster hasn't hosted a Ukrainian guest

One of our Ukranian guests has a law and psychology degree and had a very highly paid job in Ukraine. Shes now working as a cleaner in a hotel while.she improves her English and looks for a better job. She found the job herself within 3 weeks of arrival and only took that long because I virtually insisted they rested a fortnight as they were obviously beyond exhausted and I imagine a doctor would have signed them off anyway. athey were sleeping 14 to 16 hours a day at first

Advertise the room and say that they either need to pay rent or leave now

This scheme was always going to have some issues. You’ve been kind in inviting her into your home.
I read another thread on here where someone said that it is fine at first and then a few months in, they start to be fatigued at sharing their home.
Give notice, inform the council and stick to it. Also give some clear guidance over how often the heating can be on etc.

I have had several conversations like this recently. So hard.

The answer is obvious for the OP - go to the council, as OP has done their bit. Genuinely good on them.

that may not have been obvious to OP.

The need to post it on MN is a bit beyond me.

Really? a forum for people to ask for advice and others to give it is beyond you? REALLY? Don't be That Poster.
Oftentimes these threads help other people in a similar position. That is one of the reasons places like MN exist.

I don't think your guest is taking advantage or deliberately undermining you, OP. If she held a professional role in Ukraine that she worked hard to get and was proud of, it is understandable that she would feel reluctant to just take anything here in the UK and completely give up the lifestyle she had before. I'm not saying you have to keep hosting her, you did a very kind thing and you've every right to now want your home back. It just feels important to acknowledge that the position she is in, adrift in a new country, unable to find work that suits her and matches her skills and qualifications, and now being asked to leave what I assume is a very nice house in a good location, and move into a bedsit (paying considerably more for living somewhere objectively worse) must feel absolutely awful and really scary. She might be anxious that if she takes a menial job and moves into a bedsit - how will she get back out of that situation and back to her previous standard of living? I know this isn't your problem OP, but it might explain why she is resisting your suggestions.

A council might get £10k per refugee but if they are paying for additional staff such as interpreters, backfill environmental health officer roles, other support roles then realistically there isn’t necessarily a huge amount left over for the actual refugees. Local council officers cost the council about £30k-£50k (for £25-£35k type roles).

Well no one is going to feel the need to post when everything is going wonderfully. There is a saccharine article in Good Housekeeping this month about a family who are hosting a Ukrainian family and how wonderful and magical it all is and how they will host them forever, if you wanted some balance.

Back in the real world, I don’t think the Ukrainian refugees are beggars but asking UK families en masse to host people from a country at war with a very different culture in a bodged together scheme, was unlikely to have many happy endings. My only experience is my neighbour down the road who had to get the police involved after her Ukrainian guests barricaded her out of her own home… it was a completely mad scheme. Funny they don’t do it for other refugees fleeing war isn’t it?

As for the person posting as “The Kremlin” 🙄 most people are intelligent enough to simultaneously understand the Russian government was wrong to invade Ukraine, we should help Ukraine, and that the UK government’s scheme was poorly designed and not at all managed.

To get someone to leave your home if they choose not to will be impossible to achieve. For those saying change the locks or take them to the council has no idea of the law regarding this situation. As your guest doesn’t seem to have a conscience about behaving in an unfair and unrealistic manner whilst liveing at your expense without any consideration about you then I fear you are stuck in your current situation permanently. Harsh but true.

@SAMUEL1986 i promise you life is not "normal" in Kyiv. Unless you think blackouts, drone attacks and being advised to evacuate by your city mayor in the likely event of complete blackouts is normal. I have my frustrations as a host but I certainly don't think anywhere in Ukraine is safe at the moment or somewhere I would want someone to return to if I could offer them a safe place to live.

This is a problem ALOT of hosts have had.

Being nice enough to open up your home to a stranger also leaves you vulnerable to being taken advantage of too though.

This is now what's happening.

You need to get tough, set a deadline and make a point that this is what your expectations are. And stick to it.

Its a bloody hard thing to do and goes against how many hosts think. But it has to be done as its in the best interests of your guest to do.

Prize for the most staggering empathy bypass on the thread.

The Russians are bombing Ukraine. Ukrainians have lost family members, friends, jobs, their way of life but you want people to think they're just here to take advantage of our system? Fuck right off.

This is a problem of our own government's making. They set up a scheme that was used the kindness of people to help others in war, but given the councils are stretched beyond breaking point with the cuts this government has inflicted on them for years, most councils only house people when they are actually homeless, and will insist you stay in a hostel for an unspecified amount of time (often with crack heads and street drinkers) before they will house you. Has anything different been put in place - and properly funded - for Ukrainian refugees? If not then this was always going to happen, they designed a system that pushed the responsibility onto individuals.

Not a lot of help to the OP in her situation, but blaming the Ukrainians for fleeing war is a new low. Have a word with yourself.

@freefromthattoxicmess
Out of interest, are you hosting any Ukrainian guests?

I could see this was coming, signing up to this scheme with no real end in sight. They've had a free ride up to now and want it to continue, well no you can't keep funding someone who is clearly in a position to work and pay their way. Wouldn't we all love to sit around using someone else's heating all day. I'd give them a leave date and say they will need to vacate by then. The penny will drop they need to look at renting outside of London and take a job to pay the bills rather than further their career.

The two my parents are hosting are lovely.
She’s still fighting to get permission to work but she’s been going to college every day to learn English and she’s finally managed to get her child into sixth form. She’s very motivated and I suspect she’ll be straight into work once she gets the chance.
The child’s dad is fighting. I can’t imagine what that’s like for them.

@BlueRidge - why does that matter? The poster hasn’t said the OP is at fault for wanting to not host anymore? They have just pointed out another poster is an idiot and the UK government fucked up.

@TheWomanTheyCallJayne - that’s really great but I doubt your parents would feel the need the post about it to ask advice?

I call the Good Housekeeping article saccharine because it is. It’s full of photos in soft focus of the family around a Christmas tree and is all about how the children want to call the hosts grandma and grandad. I just found the whole thing a bit too much.

You have been very kind and generous. But your guest is taking the piss

take the job thing out of the equation for now. They need to move out by a certain date. End of November seems fair. If you do end up evicting them the council will step in. Don’t feel guilty.

Nobody was forced to host anyone ,six months ago posters were falling overthemselves to offer their spare rooms ,to ukranian refugees.

To be honest op I would never have been able to invite someone in like that even if I was able because I just know how these things usually go

same, I've done house shares for 17 years and seen way too many undesirable tenants/complete cf pisstakers to even consider it. You just don't know who you will be landed with.

Yes @x2boys because no one ever went into a situation poorly informed but with good intentions. If no one was allowed to moan about a decision they made not turning out swimmingly, most of Mumsnet would disappear, including most threads about parenting.