To not want to give lifts with baby in the car

[alwaysfrazzled]

My baby is four months old and is a nightmare in the car. She screams the place down and always drops her dummy which upsets her even more. If I need to go anywhere in the car I make it short journeys and if I have to go anywhere longer than ten mins I always go with someone else in the back.
Sister in law is in hospital and needs a lift home. She stays a half hour drive away so that's an hour round trip.
She would have to sit in the back with the baby but it won't stop the screaming, on the way home would be a nightmare. I hate driving with constant screaming.
I don't want to do it. Would I be unreasonable to suggest she gets the bus home?
My partner is working away so not home to help. Her mum is on holiday. Nobody else can drive her home. Nightmare.

Otherwise healthy alert child no underlying illness who cries in a car a doctor cannot intervene about that
But I would give the sil a lift, prewarned that the baby cries. Perhaps sil will be a distraction

I would suggest an Uber if it meant my child screamed for an hour and resulted in them being sick. Concern? It seems all your concern is for the adult relative, but little for the OPs baby.

Lashings of hyperbole on this thread.

you’ve clearly never experienced how stressful it is trying to focus on driving with a screaming baby

she needs to get a taxi. i’ve refused countless lifts for the same reason. it’s so difficult trying to focus on safe driving when your baby is upset and you can’t do anything about it

I think if you can’t put yourself out to collect a relative from hospital when they’re not well then that’s your call - but I’d make sure it’s reciprocal. I’m not of the mindset that you have to be a doormat, but if you can’t put yourself out for family you shouldn’t expect them to put themselves out for you.

When you’ve been unwell in hospital it isn’t just the lift you need. It’s a bit of comfort and help when you’re vulnerable, which you don’t get on the bus.

You're definitely not being unreasonable, my little one was exactly the same.

My first one a car seat screamer. We bought 3 different seats. Made zero difference. If they have silent reflux the crunched up position hurts them and it's just unbearable to listen to. I tried "getting on with it" and ended up with raging PND because listening to your old child scream for hours isn't so great for you. I'd explain to SIL and decline.

I think you should, the baby will get used to it eventually. My niece was the same and just stopped after a while

But the op didn't suggest an uber. She suggested a bus.

I totally understand why you don’t want to do this but actually, I really think you should. If SIL is having iv antibiotics chances are she feels very unwell and to make the effort in this situation for family is expected (or should be).

Good points.

There is always Hospital transport if family really can’t pick up. If you say you can’t

To be honest if I were SIL and knew what stress this whole thing is causing you - I would have gotten a taxi myself. Absolutely hate putting people out

Of course I have, doesn’t make a difference to my view on this

I’m just not a massively selfish twat. Family pitch in, she needs a lift from hospital, not the airport or town

YABU

If you were in the hospital you would want someone to pick you up too and there may be a time when you do need that favour.

Babies cry.

You can’t never drive your car anywhere incase the baby cries.

Your baby might kick up a fuss at first but it will soon cry itself to sleep and then when SIL is there if the baby wakes up then she can keep it entertained.

Why is it selfish for a mum not to want her baby to be a screaming mess for hours?

You asked me if I would suggest a bus and I answered what I would do. If OP says no, it’s for SIL to decide what she does, not OP anyway.

None of my relatives would have expected my baby to cry for an hour and be sick to pick them up. They would have found an alternative.

Don't you think OP knows her baby better than you do?

Some children will scream until they're sick, then scream some more.

Do you get on with this woman? Does she do things for you? Or are the family just making you feel obligated to do it?

If it’s the former, call her and chat about your concerns. She may well volunteer to get a cab. But she won’t if she has no clue about the problem.

Because sometimes, you put yourself out for others and get that effort back.

it’s called being part of a normal, functioning family, heck I’d go so far as to say it’s part of being part of a normal, functioning society.

The baby may well be in pain. I wonder how many people would put themselves through an hour of pain and sickness to pick up someone who could make other arrangements. Just because the baby can’t says they’re uncomfortable and can only cream, apparently that’s ok to just ignore them or dangle a toy in front of.

Don't you think OP knows her baby better than you do?

Some children will scream until they're sick, then scream some more.

So what happens if OP needs shopping? Or needs to take the baby to the hospital because it’s poorly?

Is she going to just never do anything that isn’t in walking distance in case the baby starts crying? That would be ridiculous.

I’ve had four car screamers and I just wanted to express some solidarity with all those people reading this thread who may be feeling really upset by all the patronising comments like ‘make sure the baby has a toy attached to the car seat’
or ‘you have to just make the baby get used to it’.

My babies all screamed for hours and hours in the car. They never just fell asleep. They just made themselves sick and overheated. I’ve tried everything including sitting in the back, breastfeeding the baby in a moving car etc. The only thing that made a difference was turning them around at the lowest legal age possible.

It made all four of my maternity leaves absolute hell. I couldn’t see any of my family who live three hours away. Even going to the local shop was distressing. I spent many hours sobbing my way through car journeys along with my babies.

Honestly, it won’t be like this forever

Mine are grown up a bit now and the biggest problem I have is getting them to look up from the iPad in the car..

Even when the baby is being sick and is likely in pain? Really?

That's not "putting yourself out for others" - that's being a mug. OP's SIL is a grown adult who can find her own way from the hospital. I'm sure she has other friends, neighbours etc. who don't have newborns to worry about and that can give her a lift.