To not want to give lifts with baby in the car

[alwaysfrazzled]

My baby is four months old and is a nightmare in the car. She screams the place down and always drops her dummy which upsets her even more. If I need to go anywhere in the car I make it short journeys and if I have to go anywhere longer than ten mins I always go with someone else in the back.
Sister in law is in hospital and needs a lift home. She stays a half hour drive away so that's an hour round trip.
She would have to sit in the back with the baby but it won't stop the screaming, on the way home would be a nightmare. I hate driving with constant screaming.
I don't want to do it. Would I be unreasonable to suggest she gets the bus home?
My partner is working away so not home to help. Her mum is on holiday. Nobody else can drive her home. Nightmare.

that’s a vital piece of info

It's not because it doesn't change the OP's part of the situation. What is vital is whether the person who is being 'required' by SIL or probably the whole family to do this errand is comfortable and confident driving to the hospital and then to SIL house and then home with all the parking and probably hanging around that ensues with her baby in the car and with her childcare responsibilities in general. It is very hard to drive safely in a car with a crying baby if it affects your concentration and OP sounds like either a new or nervous driver. Some people can tune out crying some can't. Just because some people find it fine doesn't mean everyone does and there is no law that they should. If there is no-one else who can drive SIL I'm sure there is someone else who can accompany her in a taxi or on public transport if that is required for the discharge.

YANBU refusing the lift - having had a baby that screamed inconsolably like yours I can attest it's impossible and cruel. I think if people don't know what it's like they can't relate.

YABU to not get your baby checked out though because it's "just in the car". My baby screamed and screamed in the car because she had silent reflux due to CMPA. The position of being in a car seat made her reflux worse and she was in agony through every drive. This is very common and you can do things to help it. Please get seen by the GP.

It's not her responsibility, no. But it's sort of courteous to show some concern. Would you suggest to your relative to catch a bus on their release from hospital?

unless you crack this your going to be so restricted

I'm sure she can crack it in her own time as her baby gets older. No-one's business including SIL's and trying to force it will probably make it worse.

Some babies don’t like motion or being strapped in. I’m sure it’s fine - to the people saying it’s not normal!! In this situation you need to put yourself first. Ask her to get a taxi. Explain how stressful it is and you can’t do it.

OP you have my sympathy - my DS was great in the car up to about 3.5 months. Now he typically turns into a hysterical, shaky ball of rage and distress as soon as the car starts moving (but is fine in the car seat when I carry it about). It's awful and it's just about the only time he cries like that now. Takes him ages to calm down once you get him out too.

He won't use his dummy in that state and won't play with toys, even with me in the back seat next to himtrying my hardest to distract and soothe. Absolutely nothing works except for taking him out of the car.

If there is a bus, can you offer to meet your sister at the hospital and go home on the bus together? Or to get a taxi together (although your baby might hate that as much as the car)? That way she's not alone but you don't have to go through an hour of hysterical baby.

Your poor sister in law. I hope when you need emergency baby sitting she says no. You don't deserve it

I’d arrange and pay for the Uber to take her home

but i think you need to work on the screaming. Could it be the seat that she hates rather than the fact she is in the car?

i used to put mine in the front sometimes when they were grumpy so that they could see me. Not ideal but safer than them screaming the whole journey.

I've done all that. Please don't patronise me. If I could stop the screaming I would have done

Nobody is patronising you. And trust me, I know how it feels, so I have every sympathy. One of mine hated the car and screamed the place down; while the others were just a bit grumpy - so I do know the difference. I also have very unpleasant memories of being stuck on the A66 in the Lakes, in a road closure, while DD screamed at me for what seemed like hours and there was literally nothing I could do about it. Horrible for both of us. So I've been there.

But what you learn is that you can't just avoid doing a thing forever when you have kids. Both because life doesn't stop when you have a baby, but also because the baby will never adapt and adjust if you just stop doing everything they're not initially keen on.

I wish I'd learned this with my first, as I was more than a bit PFB. By the time I got to my second I'd adapted the "just crack on" approach because I didn't have much of a choice. And quelle surprise, the subsequent DC got used to it and turned out much more resilient and adaptable as kids.

Does SIL gave any friends who could pick her up? I find it hard to believe you're the only person who might be able to

Just offered to pay for an Uber that solves that you can even buy gift cards online and send like a code to put into the app it’s very easy and straightforward.

Can't you get a neighbour to sit with baby for an hour?

I mean, she needs a lift from the hospital, not a nightclub. It's hardly a frivolous request.

YABU get her a lift . She can shush the baby and give the dummy .

she might be able to calm your lo down?

She will have to take a taxi. Just explain and apologise and say if DH was home and could look after his child, it wouldn't be an issue

You don't have anyone in the vicinity who could watch the baby for 60 minutes?

What would you do in an emergency? Better start cultivating a few baby sitters.

One my my babies screamed like this in the car, later we realised it was travel sickness. Car journeys were awful- I definitely could not have concentrated to drive safely. I would definitely not have done a 1 hour journey voluntarily.

As long as she doesn't need an escort home, she can take a taxi.

Yes but the opportunity to have someone in the car to help would be useful

How on earth are you both so isolated that there is nobody to get SIL or take the baby? Don't either of you have friends or colleagues or neighbours? I'd happily collect a colleague or neighbour from the hospital, or take a stroll with a baby.

I feel for you! Those people who say just play with the baby/ give dummy on string clearly never had a baby that hates car seats.
both of my children do, it’s super stressful. You can try to distract them all you want - they will just scream louder, to the point when they start choking or puking. Last time we drove to my DD’s appointment I resorted to blowing in her face for 10 minutes to stop her screaming - she went hysterical when we got there but at least I could take her out of the car seat. Plus, when babies scream like that can you really concentrate on the road? We’re due to drive for 4h for my nephews christening in a couple of weeks and I’m already dreading it soooo much.

I now make sure my DD is suuuuperrr duuupeerrr sleepy before we go anywhere (sh’s also 4 months) and then I can get about 30-20 min nap out of her in the car seat. Maybe your DD can doze off if she’s super tired? Then you can just tell your SIL that the drive will have to coincide with your daughter’s nap times.

Well, your dd needs to get used to the car. You need to make her portable and be able to go wherever you need to. Your sil can sit with her. Imagine her getting to the age of 8 still screaming in the car. The car seat might be uncomfortable for her, maybe look for a newer one?

And on the way there?

It’s seriously mean to not pick up a close family member from hospital because your baby cries in the car. It’s only an hour, many people drive that to get to the shop and back. Seriously, this is the level of nastiness that causes huge family fallouts.

I have generally got a taxi home after operations. However they insist you have Someone with you as well and a random taxi driver doesn't count.

I'd get sister in law to pay for a qualified babysitter in the house whilst you collect.

So what's the magic solution to it, then?

Just force the baby to sit and scream until she makes herself sick?
Or until mum gets so distracted she crashes the car?

The SIL will only be available to sit with the baby for one of the three journeys.