To not want to give lifts with baby in the car

[alwaysfrazzled]

My baby is four months old and is a nightmare in the car. She screams the place down and always drops her dummy which upsets her even more. If I need to go anywhere in the car I make it short journeys and if I have to go anywhere longer than ten mins I always go with someone else in the back.
Sister in law is in hospital and needs a lift home. She stays a half hour drive away so that's an hour round trip.
She would have to sit in the back with the baby but it won't stop the screaming, on the way home would be a nightmare. I hate driving with constant screaming.
I don't want to do it. Would I be unreasonable to suggest she gets the bus home?
My partner is working away so not home to help. Her mum is on holiday. Nobody else can drive her home. Nightmare.

@CarefreeMe I get an online delivery and shops are a five min drive away which I can cope with. Baby is fine in pram and carrier so I walk also.
I organise longer trips when dh is home so we can tag team it or one of us goes alone whilst other has baby.
We attempted an hour trip last time and we had to turn back it was so bad and that was with me in the back with her.

In my exoerience, hospital transport is not usually available for physically and mentally able people leaving hospital. It's generally reserved for people with specific needs. Hospitals can and do expect people who are able to organise their own transport be that a taxi, lift with family/friend or public transport. There isn't enough capacity to return everyone home. Transport to hospital appointments is also dependent on certain criteria.

Yes - the reality for lots of people is doing nothing for months because otherwise their child is so distressed they vomit and make themselves choke.

In an emergency, they obviously have no choice - but this isn't an emergency.

All of this!

The baby is a human being. If you posted saying, I am really struggling to be in the car right now, driving gives me migraines, should I give a lift under these circumstances... people would say no, because you're an adult and your suffering matters. So does your baby's.

My eldest hated the car too. When she was 8 months old I switched her out of her infant seat into a bigger / more upright one. Still rearfacing (Axkid Minikid) but it made an enormous difference.

I think it depends how much of an emergency this is. Sometimes a hospital or surgery center will not release the patient if the patient is taking a taxi or bus home, because they want the patient with someone who can observe them and get help if they do poorly after the medical procedure. If that's the case, then you might consider how you would feel if you had surgery and no one in your family was willing to undergo some inconvenience for the sake of your health.

I think you should also consider whether this is going to be a reciprocal thing. Sometimes life just works better if families will accept some inconvenience on each other's behalf. If your SIL would help you, then maybe it would be a good idea to help her. If you opt out of helping, your SIL and other family members may do the same when it comes to times when you need help. On the other hand, maybe your SIL and her family are never going to be there for you when you need them, no matter how many favors you do for them. In that case, you need to save your own mental/emotional/financial resources for your own needs.

I think you also need to consider whether a journey with the baby will be merely unpleasant, or whether it will be unsafe. Are you driving to the hospital on difficult roads where other drivers are aggressive, and where you need to make lots of focused judgement calls? Or is it a straight route where you might be able to just grit your teeth and get through it.

It's really up to you. I would not pay for an Uber for her if you decide not to pick her up. Paying for an Uber for her would imply you are obligated to pick her up, which isn't the case. Don't muddy the moral waters to your disadvantage, that never ends well.

As someone whose fourth baby screamed non stop in the car from the day she was driven home from the hospital, I hear you. DC4 also screamed non stop in supermarkets. Was it the lights? The muzak? The motion? She would stop the instant the car stopped or the moment we left the supermarket. Nothing else would comfort her.

I'd ask SIL if she could get an Uber or a taxi and even offer to pay for it. She could only comfort the baby during the half hour she was in the car. The rest of the time the baby would be screaming.

YABU. It's not nice when babies scream but sometimes you just have to get on with things! This is such a PFB problem - if you had older children who needed to be taken to appointments, school etc I'm sure you'd find a way to do it.

No
transport is for adults with no support network , physical conditions eg frail ,no other options. It’s not a universal service for all patients
if you’re eligible you’ll be told it’s a 9-6 service and you wait that time until someone can collect you

Very good point, you absolutely never know the day when it's you who needs a bit of help, esp with a DH who works away.
Every time my kids have needed hospital help DH has been away, and he's only away occasionally, Every flipping time.🤦‍♀️

Op I really do think you should do this for SIL even if it means breaking the journey up and giving yourself time for coffee / walk in the hospital or going around the nearest park or something.

There is no neighbour who could watch the child for an hour?

This in spades

How poorly is SIL - IV antibiotics for a poorly tie or sepsis? There's a world of difference here and you are being quite cagey about her issues....

My DC2 had awful reflux. She couldn't lay flat, and her position in her car seat made her scream the place down (I had to keep her in an upright position as much as possible). She didn't cry herself to sleep. She screamed non-stop, often would make herself sick in the process, and keep screaming. It was hell, as at the time we lived a long way from DC1's school. I had no choice but to make the journey (as it was a school run) but it would be a nightmare each time we got in the car. So I completely understand why OP is reluctant to help out.

If SIL is just going in for IV antibiotics, then she should be ok to get herself back home (how will she get to the hospital for this appointment?).

That's different as those journeys aren't optional.

This IS optional. Why would you put a baby (and driver) through that when you didn't have to? It's dangerous!

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune I don't know my neighbours well enough to impose myself like that.

I suspect the SIL is having the anti biotic because she is unwell, I can't think of any other reason OP would deliberately withhold this information.

Also for all the posters defending OP choice not to do this because her baby might be in pain, how do you feel about the fact that OP isn't seeking medical advice, because that for me is really odd.

@CarefreeMe
My work around was to only go shopping at night when exH was home and to make sure I got everything I had on my meticulously constructed list.

For doctor checkups I took her on the train. It was a trip of an hour and a half from my door to the doctor that way, and obv the same back, plus the time spent waiting in the waiting room and the exam itself, versus probably one hour total in the car and finding somewhere to park plus the time at the doctor's office. It was really tiring, and I had her 3yo sister with me too.

Your baby might cry and kick up a fuss at first but will soon cry itself to sleep

Lol.

@SquishyGloopyBum she has a uti.

She lives with mil but she's going on holiday. Sil will also be home alone. If she lived closer I would help out but shes too far away.
There isn't a spare bed here. I have other children to look after also.

@CarefreeMe luckily I live somewhere with good public transport, so I get the bus or the train. In an emergency or for an important medical appointment, of course I would drive. I'm also looking into getting a new car seat in case that's part of the issue.

Picking up an unwell family member from hospital is at the limit of what I would do I think. It's a one-off and quite important, but I would also really try to find an alternative too.

I'd put up with it to help someone come home from hospital as a one off. I'd hope someone would do it for me if the situation was reversed.

God I think our world has become a very cold and selfish place where people don't want to put themselves out in the slightest even for family members.

It's an urgent situation. I would help in that regard even if we weren't close.

What would happen if your husband was away and you needed hospital, or some other crisis? Really need to step up and sort some babysitting options.

You still haven’t answered whether she and mil help you out. Do you expect babysitting/childcare help at any time? Would you want someone to pick you up from hospital if you had nobody else and were unwell? Or would you get the bus?