To think making friends with people who earn less than you is a waste of time

[MrsShelby]

Hear me out. We moved to a lovely village a few years ago and I put a lot of effort in trying to make new friends. People who grew up in the area weren't interested as they had their established friendship circles. I met 2 different women through an activity who I hoped I could become good friends with.
Both lived in smaller houses than ours and earned less which didn't matter to me because I enjoyed their company. After a few meet ups, I was dumped. No idea what I did wrong. And it hurt.

Post baby, I have met 3 different amazing mummy friends (they don't know each other) and they think I am wonderful. We meet up regularly with our children and have a brilliant time. They also have part time professional jobs, live in big houses and have similar values.

This got me thinking because I am the same person who was dumped by the two other women. Plus, I have been dumped several times by friends in the past. The move to our current house cost me 3 friends who went cold when they saw the pictures of the house. I was so desperate to hold on to one of those friendships that I spent a year texting her to organise a meet up but she was never free or wouldn't respond.

AIBU to think that trying to make friends with someone who is several levels below you on the economic ladder is generally a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment/heart break?

Same

I agree with every word of this.

Maybe you’re the reason they ghost you?
Probably nothing to do with the size of your house or bank balance.

@BabyClubYEEAAH

😂😂😂

I think you have an unusual way to go about friendships

you don’t decide you are friends with someone if you’ve been to their house once or twice. Friendship is something that grows over time, with bonding over shared experiences

can’t believe I have to explain that to you

if you make a new acquaintance and go over, and then you find you are not compatible it’s not “being dumped”

i “dumped” a few boring people who were rich, not because they were rich, but because they only talk about money (new kitchens, expensive schools for the kids, nannies, holidays, new car, ski trips) I don’t envy them that, and don’t even want those things (apart from maybe new kitchen 😁) but it makes for very boring conversations

I have some friends who are very well off, but they are fun and don’t just talk about how they spend it

maybe the first two women just had nothing much in common with you

Small villages can be, by nature, very cliquey. I doubt it has anything to do with the house that left your former friends "cold".

Why do you assume it's because of your money?! I couldn't tell you what all of my friends earn or how much their homes are worth. Some have had to move back in with their parents as adults because the housing market is so fucked.

It's just interesting to me that you've gone straight to "it's the money" rather than looking at your behaviour and the way you speak to people, because you're not coming off great here tbh

Unfortunately my spouse has only made me a decaffeinated coffee this morning so I’m not quite ready to respond to something quite so goady and awful.

Yeah, it’s you.

Maybe it’s your personality rather than the money? You said your new friends think you’re wonderful which sounds a bit cringey.🤷🏻‍♀️

I have friends who earn a LOT less than me, and friends who literally earn 100
of 1000s … our incomes have never come into it.

It’s probably because you are so smug and self- satisfied. Why are you sending less fortunate friends pictures of your big house?

Also I’m wondering who paid for your big house if you work part- time?

First reply nailed it.

I don’t even know what most of my friends earn, and they don’t know what I earn.. we still manage to be friends

It's probably your personality. I think you will find you are rubbing your success in people's faces.

I kniw plenty of people manage to be friends with people of different economic backgrounds.

No one has "dumped" me despite my success.

I'm still friends with people I went to school with and some others I met along the way. Not sure where you got the idea that I had no friends. My post was about my struggle to make friends in a new location.

😅 I love this answer

I'm just seconding the unbearably smug comment.

It's probably nothing to do with your house. They probably just didn't like you.

It’s not them, it’s you.

Um no. I had the reverse of this situation. I moved back in with my mum after my first DS after a relationship breakdown. It was our childhood home and lots of big houses had been built around it with families who clearly earned alot lived there with their families.

I stayed with her for a few years and tried numerous times to try and make friends with some of the other ladies who had kids the same age as my little DS. None of them reciprocated and they always did stuff with their groupsof kids every after I suggested stuff/we went to the same groups. It was clearly because I had a low paying job/no car/single parent/lived with my mum etc. I could just tell as they were fine with my mum and my sister who came to visit.

May not be intentional but you probably gave off some vibes which made them feel like they weren't the same as you or something I don't know.

I'm frugal person. Meet ups I suggest are usually coffee at a cafe, walks and visiting an English Heritage site. All local. I have never ever suggested an expensive activity.

I can sort of see where you’re coming from I think. I live in a large house, and some people do change once they see it - I have felt uncomfortable because I know it’s not a ‘normal’ size house and I try not to have people round until we’ve been friends for a while so they know ‘me’ rather than making assumptions about me based on my home. It’s a lovely house

That being said, I don’t think I’ve lost any friends over it, and couldn’t give a shiny shit about what their household incomes are vs mine. At the end of the day we’re all fighting different battles and our kids all challenge us in different/the same ways.

I couldn’t be friends with someone who thinks they’re better than me because they earn more and have a bigger house though!

I think it is difficult to maintain friendships occasionally with wealth disparity. I think the key is for the wealthier friend to minimise any mention of obvious comparators e.g. house , holidays as envy unfortunatly can read its ugly head.

it is hard for the wealthy to relate to some of the challenges a relatively low income brings e.g. debt, making ends meet and sometimes people just want to feel comfortable witomeone that can wholly empathise with their situation.

I have some people less well.people.than me (certainly not all)/can be chippy and take opportunities to say that those that are wealthier have gained their wealth unfairly.

society splits in wealth levels and this has always been the case and won't change soon.

Wow! I have friends at all ‘levels’ what a judgemental thing for you to say. I’m wondering if you’ve been ‘dumped’ because of something else.

There is some real work to be done on yourself OP if this is how you judge people.

What a lot of rubbish. One of my friends has 2 very lovely houses, even her holiday house is way bigger than our regular house. Another friend lives in an overcrowded council house in need of a lot of repairs. I spend lots of time at both of their homes and they at our very average place and no one is uncomfortable. It's the people not the money. Unless you make it that way.

Do all these old friends earn the same or more money than you?