To think making friends with people who earn less than you is a waste of time

[MrsShelby]

Hear me out. We moved to a lovely village a few years ago and I put a lot of effort in trying to make new friends. People who grew up in the area weren't interested as they had their established friendship circles. I met 2 different women through an activity who I hoped I could become good friends with.
Both lived in smaller houses than ours and earned less which didn't matter to me because I enjoyed their company. After a few meet ups, I was dumped. No idea what I did wrong. And it hurt.

Post baby, I have met 3 different amazing mummy friends (they don't know each other) and they think I am wonderful. We meet up regularly with our children and have a brilliant time. They also have part time professional jobs, live in big houses and have similar values.

This got me thinking because I am the same person who was dumped by the two other women. Plus, I have been dumped several times by friends in the past. The move to our current house cost me 3 friends who went cold when they saw the pictures of the house. I was so desperate to hold on to one of those friendships that I spent a year texting her to organise a meet up but she was never free or wouldn't respond.

AIBU to think that trying to make friends with someone who is several levels below you on the economic ladder is generally a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment/heart break?

Unless you are their accountant or financial advisor - how does anyone really know the economic 'weath' of another person? No one walks around with their bank balance or net worth tattooed to their forehead. I haven't got a clue how much money my friends have or haven't got becuase the people I surround myself with value me for me and I for them.

Thankfully I'm extremely weathly - stinking rich intact becuase I have a beautiful family and a handful of wonderful friends who have been with me through thick and thin.

@MrsShelby Aww thank you for the compliment. My writing style is also blunt which can sometimes be misconstrued on forums. You seem like a caring person, I'm sure in time, you will make new friends 🙂.

Too funny!

It is not super fancy I promise. It puts me in a sub set of people a lot of mumsnetters despise.

I'm guessing something to do with the Tory Party!

Oh, this is on the Daily Mail website. No surprise there then.

This has everything the Daily Mail would love 😂

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-11398531/Woman-blasted-revealing-thinks-making-friends-money-waste-time.html

I think that's the only time I've ever agreed with the comments on a Daily Mail "article".

I hate to say it but there is something in what you say. I find the same since I moved into my dream home. There is always an underlying resentment and I genuinely don’t think I have changed as a person. It’s just too much for some people to handle. Someone once told me when you do well in life, you will genuinely have a lot fewer friends. Some just fade away, some make a hasty exit. For this reason I don’t invite people round my house. I never let people into my home unless I truly think they are not bothered by wealth or that they are just not materialistic. I completely understand where you are coming from.

There is a kernel of truth in what OP said.

Money is a good way of finding out who your true friends are. But not necessarily in the way people think.

DH and I moved to our 'forever home' 10 years ago. We do not discuss salaries, money, how much we paid etc. because it's crass.

Some people assume automatically that you're going to look down on them, so they try to get in first before they think you will.

With others, there is definitely an underlying resentment of what you have, and they definitely try to stick pins in you whenever you can. Their loss. My true friends are my true friends, and I do not judge on bank accounts.

I am with 11plusmadness. I do not invite people to my house if I think they are going to start giving me snide comments.

Speak for yourself.

I've got mates who I train with at gym and their salary is irrelevant. What matters is shared interest. Also have mates with their own businesses who make six figure salaries.

And how do you vet people for their non- materialistic/not bothered by wealth credentials? Wave a handful of crisp £50s under their noses and see whether they twitch? Check the labels on their clothes? Look up their house value on Zoopla? Ask them where they ski?

Why so rude ? I’m sorry if you are offended but I don’t make apologies for being secure financially. I do not flaunt it either. I have worked hard to get where I am without any financial support. I didn’t say I don’t have friends who aren’t well off. I just don’t let people know what I have.

People in general tend to group by education/socio economic status.. Quite obviously this is not always true but does happen.

We do not.have the class system that existed in previous centuries but we do have proxies. Class is not an utterly dead concept unfortunately.

Middle classes will always have some that condescend the lower classes and conversely lower classes will always have some that view the middle classes as aloof.

Some people I know who earn low incomes are bitter. There is to get mistaken view that those with greater incomes have gained their money unfairly and education is viewed with suspicion.

A few with greater incomes do look down on the poor and consider their condition due to lack of work ethic and poor life choices.

Both views are wrong but they stubbornly remain in society and I think it's a bit naïve ito believe they don't.

I think for a 'cross financial' relationship to work there has to be tact, diplomacy and joint interests It is also important to put away any bias and the rich have to empathise with those that aren't as wealthy and the problems it brings.

I’m not at all ‘offended’. I simply wonder how you vet people before you let them into your house.

Oh dear. I didn’t realise that people could be so pathetic! What I was trying to say is that I don’t let money come into the equation with a relationship. I don’t want to know what others have and I make a point not to let others know what I have. I try to make my relationships about joint interests etc. why are you trying to make anything I say negative?

I didn't think it was pathetic. I thought it was a fair question. How do you vet what people think about money if you never talk about it?

Most of my friends have public sector jobs so we would be on similar salary scales BUT I spent years as a single parent on one salary whereas I had friends who were, maybe, a Head teacher and a member of senior management whose joint income would be 3 or 4 times mine. The money wasn't important but we would have had mutual interests in our work.

What the OP fails to realise is that if she only socialises with people better off than her she will be the 'poor' one.

I also don't really understand the idea of 'investing' in a friendship. You either like their company or you don't.

I think an interesting conversation is what would you do if you won the lottery. We have a bit of banter at work about this with the obvious fantasies of luxury of we won it.

The lottery banter seems to be crass amongst the wealthy I know as often getting the big house, nice car, fantastic holiday has already been done. What would you feel if Bill Gates of Rishi Sunak played the lottery?

I think there is something different about trying to make friends in a rural village and doing it in the city.

Journalists have written articles about how impossible it is in the countryside. I'm guessing those settled down there, maybe, think they know there is not so much to do there, so this friendship could provide a very close bonding and interaction. Maybe some people don't want to reject the friendship per se, but want to back off and give it a bit of space to breathe.

Sometimes, friendships and alliances aren't born so much of friendship but of wanting to achieve a common aim. Rich people might see palling up with someone as protecting their interests, fighting new housing developments in the proverbial back yard and maybe even like the traditional idea of ' society' in the traditional countryside. Maybe making or not making friendships is class based in countryside and not money based.

Yes, how do you ‘make a point of not letting others know what you have’?

I have no idea what my friends earn. I could hazard a guess at the one or two who work in the same industry as me, the couple of teachers and the consultant but he does private work too so o have no idea how much that adds to an NHS salary. Other than that, I haven’t a clue as I don’t know anyone else who works in the public sector. I suspect pretty much all are on 6 figures but some may be on less and some will certainly be on multiples of that. I don’t know who has had family help or who hasn’t. No idea at all.

There's something to this and it's a very British thing IMO. People in this country don't like "success" - rather than be genuinely happy for the individual, they are really green with envy.

It's quite sad really.

That is so kind of you - thank you! Please keep giving forthright advice. It is needed.

The other day I texting one of my mum friends and it felt so good to have someone local to chat with about the weekend or trials of motherhood. We are meeting up tomorrow 😊.

OMG

I don't even know what say 😂.