To think making friends with people who earn less than you is a waste of time

[MrsShelby]

Hear me out. We moved to a lovely village a few years ago and I put a lot of effort in trying to make new friends. People who grew up in the area weren't interested as they had their established friendship circles. I met 2 different women through an activity who I hoped I could become good friends with.
Both lived in smaller houses than ours and earned less which didn't matter to me because I enjoyed their company. After a few meet ups, I was dumped. No idea what I did wrong. And it hurt.

Post baby, I have met 3 different amazing mummy friends (they don't know each other) and they think I am wonderful. We meet up regularly with our children and have a brilliant time. They also have part time professional jobs, live in big houses and have similar values.

This got me thinking because I am the same person who was dumped by the two other women. Plus, I have been dumped several times by friends in the past. The move to our current house cost me 3 friends who went cold when they saw the pictures of the house. I was so desperate to hold on to one of those friendships that I spent a year texting her to organise a meet up but she was never free or wouldn't respond.

AIBU to think that trying to make friends with someone who is several levels below you on the economic ladder is generally a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment/heart break?

It's probably just as they don't like spending time with you. The only reason beyond that would be if all of the meet ups were somewhere they couldn't afford, which you say isn't the case.

It's nothing to do with you earning more 🤣

Two of my new friends have bigger houses than I do. I am not claiming to be some multi millionaire. I find it baffling that some people are keen to be friends and some decide they want little to do with me.

Ridiculous. Someone would go cold, just because of the size of your house?!
You need to start thinking deeply. The likelihood is that there are other reasons

Well sometimes friendships die a death and I think it's more to do with stage of life.

Not denying that there are some very resentful people out there though. It's not always the obvious attainments that trigger resentment though, it could be anything.

I don't earn much but I don't have a car and I don't pay rent or mortgage so I end up being 'ok'. I know people who earn more are eking the last cents out before payday and I have savings I move back and forth.

I think people people have pities me in the past, I just let them.

I try to connect with people though. Finding people whose circumstances 100% match your own will lead to sitautionship friendships if that's the right word.

You sound a bit painful but actually your point has some merit. I think a friendship between someone on minimum wage and another who was a particularly high earner could be fraught with difficulties, some of which have already been outlined.

No! Our richest friend is a multi millionaire who owns a beautiful farm. Our poorest friend probably earns around minimum wage.
I'll also add that some of the millionaires we know - my uncle included, who made his money through owning a string of car repair garages - are rough as old boots. So I still don't think they'd be good enough for you OP, despite being rich.

Both lived in smaller houses than ours and earned less

How soon into the friendship did you discover this? Were you asking within the first ten minutes?

I've never met a woman who cares what other women earn. Perhaps as the pattern round here seems to be that the husbands are the main earners and the women are the part timers or housewives:sahms.
You seem overly conscious about your perceived status and some may find that off putting. People can sense that kind of thing even if you don't explicitly state it.

This is nuts.

I find it baffling that some people are keen to be friends and some decide they want little to do with me.

Again...really? You're in your 30s and haven't learnt the simple life lesson that not everyone in the world gets on?

If the money issue doesn't bother you, why do you keep bringing it up and thinking of it as the reason your friendships broke down?

If a friendship doesn't work with someone, it would never occur to me to think it had anything to do with money.

There's a couple of options.

They might really have an issue with your finances and house (unlikely).

They might have decided that you rub them up the wrong way so have stopped making an effort (possible).

They might have drifted naturally as some friendships are friendships for a season. Not all adult friendships are destined to last 5/10/15+ years. (Also possible)

Wow. So you want people to select you as a friend bc you're likely to have the same amount of money as them? That makes for a very superficial friendship, I'd say. Unless all you want to talk about is how much things cost you and how you're spending your riches.

True friends will come from all sides of life, and many don't value house size/income to feel rich in their lives.

Our family is middle class I guess, with lots of friends who I imagine earn less or more bc of their jobs, but their houses and lifestyles aren't the exact match, and you never know if people have come from money. Is really none of my business how much money they have, if we like each other we become friends.

I don't talk about finances - nothing to be gained from doing from doing that. Although some friends are open about theirs.

I know people say it shouldn't matter, but I find it does.
I made friends with a group of Mum friends when my child moved to a different school, they were lovely people, all a lot better off than me (and we weren't poor). But money was always a worry, we'd go out and they'd just want to split the bill, including bottles of wine etc and I would end having to spend more than I'd budgeted for, or ask to split the bill. The book club we went to always insisted on the latest pricey hardbacks to read. Their kids would ask mine to activities that we couldn't afford. Birthday presents were expensive. The list went on... They never bragged about money, and if I mentioned a cheaper activity or something, they were always accommodating and friendly. But it felt uneasy.
When we moved away I was really glad to let the friendships drop.

OP you’re getting a bit of a hard time. I actually empathise with you.
I think there is a lot of inverted snobbery in the UK.

I think the fact hat you were not suggesting doing things that were expensive means that something else was at play, especially as you say its happened several times. Could it be that you are over invested in your and other peoples financial circumstances? Apologies if I am way off mark.

I just have never come across this and have friends from very different financial circumstances, it is also pretty common now for people to have very changing financial circumstances in their lifetime.

I don't talk about finances

And yet you know how much very new friends earn. 🤔

You lost me at " Mummy friends" who "think I'm wonderful"

It's you I'm afraid, my love.

I don’t know why you are getting so much heat. I get you, to a degree.

If you have expensive hobbies, choose to do pricier outings, then YANBU. Surely it stands to reason? Your friends simply won’t have the money to do those things. Of course, you can occasionally treat them (though they may not want to accept).

Some friendships will be lost- envy is ok, it’s the jealousy which is damaging.

I’ve a single friend, she lives with her mum, (doesn’t need to she could buy an amazing house cash) she is very generous and absolutely loaded. When she wants to go out, it normally involves two nights abroad at least, she won’t travel economy, Paris, Spain, there will be shopping, expensive restaurants etc.

Anyone else want to see pics of the house?

This turn of phrase is now my top tip to all those twunts I come across in the world.

Thank you 🤣🤣🤣

That has to be hard. But must share so many wonderful memories from growing up together thus worth holding onto the friendships.

Maybe the friends you had were just not nice op and felt jealous of your new home,some people judge other people by what they have and a sign of very weak characters. I think some replies you got here are from very unfair. I am sure you didn't steal the house🤣and most likely worked very hard to have a good career also but some people hate to see others advancing well in life ,iwish you well op but do try to find a friend that doesn't have a big chip on their shoulders