To think making friends with people who earn less than you is a waste of time

[MrsShelby]

Hear me out. We moved to a lovely village a few years ago and I put a lot of effort in trying to make new friends. People who grew up in the area weren't interested as they had their established friendship circles. I met 2 different women through an activity who I hoped I could become good friends with.
Both lived in smaller houses than ours and earned less which didn't matter to me because I enjoyed their company. After a few meet ups, I was dumped. No idea what I did wrong. And it hurt.

Post baby, I have met 3 different amazing mummy friends (they don't know each other) and they think I am wonderful. We meet up regularly with our children and have a brilliant time. They also have part time professional jobs, live in big houses and have similar values.

This got me thinking because I am the same person who was dumped by the two other women. Plus, I have been dumped several times by friends in the past. The move to our current house cost me 3 friends who went cold when they saw the pictures of the house. I was so desperate to hold on to one of those friendships that I spent a year texting her to organise a meet up but she was never free or wouldn't respond.

AIBU to think that trying to make friends with someone who is several levels below you on the economic ladder is generally a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment/heart break?

I once dropped a mum friend (and I didn't have many to lose at that stage so every friend was precious) who was, as the OP would put it "several levels above me on the economic ladder". We met through a baby group as often happens, but as we got to know one another better we would visit each others homes. While she never directly disparaged my much, much, smaller home she would spend all her time comparing how much bigger her house was and the space they had and she "didn't know how we managed without a garden" and when we would visit her she would always show me her plans for the house and how she couldn't wait to get rid of her "awful kitchen" which which was newer and nicer than mine or that they were building an extension because they needed more room (in their house that was already 4x the size of mine.
In the end I couldn't bear the constant comparison and talks of needing to upgrade the car (huge and less than 2 year old) or the holidays they were taking when we were struggling to make ends meet. She was totally ignorant of how different our lifestyles and finances were and how unachievable the things she talked about were for us. Lookokg back now I can't see why we ever made friends!

Could it be that you simply have more in common with the ‘mummy friends’. If you have children the same age there is a lot of shared experiences to talk about. Less so with people you are friends with just because you all do yoga/knitting/axe throwing whatever.

I feel like you are getting a hard time OP. Let's assume these people are not worried about your big house for a sec.

Because I have been on the friend dating scene since we moved here from overseas a few years ago, I have distanced myself from a couple of people too to the point where things fizzled out. Usually it is a combination of a few of the below - rarely one thing on its own:

• if they WhatsApped too much or were too high maintenance
• if their kids were mean to mine or trashed my house and them parent did not seem worried
• if they were covid anti-vaxxers (very personal with my son's medical history) or held other extremist views I don't agree with
• if their husbands / partners were boorish or letchy (distanced at first and fizzled out then)
• if they were whingers / complainers / glass half empty types
• yes - if they were obsessed talking about $$$$ or obviously comparing themselves to us

Thank you. I am keen to have a wide circle of friends so being dumped has been both baffling and hurtful.

Yeah, that’s not why they are dumping you.

trying to pin it on jealousy is a way of not accepting that they didn’t like you as a person, because you find it hard to accept that. So you’re trying to find a reason that makes you feel good about yourself.

I live in a big house. I have a very close friend who lives in a park home. I have another friend who lives in a bigger house than ours, think several million. Genuinely, it doesn’t impact our friendships, we hang out, go to gigs, get pissed, chat in text nearly every day

if you are being dumped it’s nothing about how big your house is and everything to do with who you are.

Appreciate you've tried to backpeddle a lot in your latest posts, but your "several levels below" comment in your op told me the exact reason why you are getting dumped. And its absolutely not the money, its because you seem pretty unpleasant tbh.

I think maybe your problem with keeping friends is that you probably come across as smug and that you look down on people to be honest.

People 'several levels below you on the economic ladder' is just awful. It's not how much money you have or how big your house is that makes you a nice, decent person. You either just are, or you're not.

Maybe have a think how you come across to people.

Look inwards OP

Thought you were going to say because you can never go out or do the same things together. And l was going to say with my true friends, we are as happy having a cuppa at home as we are going out for a posh meal. But you are sounding quite arrogant op.

Plus a biscuit ....

I think you’re right… stick to your own superficial, smug, considerably richer than yow cliques because I can’t see anyone else would want you!

Oh and I missed the "i met more money mummy friends and they think I am wonderful" comment.

Yea.....it ain't the money. Sorry.

I opened this thread thinking it might be about a mismatch of budgets and ability to do things but I’m finding myself agreeing with the majority tbh.

To come to the conclusions you have displays a way of thinking that is likely very evident to those around you even if you don’t verbalise it. No one likes being looked down on.

I think this may be a you issue rather than anything else.

I really don't think I am patronising. Unless I was a celebrity who on earth would put up with that BS. I have no reason to be.

@thelobsterquadrille

'A' pony??? So you're prepared to be friends who only have room for 'A' pony??? That's slumming it a bit isn't it??

@MrsShelby I don't think the house is your problem.

its FAR too early for tripe.

I'm on a tight budget. Your frugal activity is expensive! English Heritage parking and refreshments is going to cost money. And I have less energy and enthusiasm than a well off person (because I work 7 days a week in 3 jobs and can't afford cleaner/shopping deliveries/short cuts in life) so I'd have to really like you to 'allocate' you any of my time and budget.

Lol OP. If you're being dumped by friends but say your get togethers were based on you being frugal than its absolutely not a case of "my friends dumped me because I've a bigger house".

It's because you're a smug twat who uses "several levels below" to describe someone. I'd ghost too.

I do think the OP might have a point. My best friend married a multi millionaire and she has remained down to earth and as far as I can see totally unchanged by it. She has been on the receiving end of a fair bit of envy though and some of our other friends have said things like she is not too big for her boots (she isn't) and so forth. There has been envy and she said once that she had made some friends through toddler groups and when invited them to her DD's 3rd birthday party there was some awe about their house and she was after that completely dropped. In fact one of the husband's commented as he left with sarcasm; 'Thanks for inviting us to your posh house' which she was really embarrrassed and hurt by. So I feel quite sure things like this do happen. She's not a rub it in peoples faces type either. We were out once with a couple of people and someone introduced her to a third person as 'jayne, you know the one in the Big House' and she was mortified and muttered 'Oh it's falling down around our ears and we can't keep up with it' as a kind of apology for living her own life.

So I can see how an obvious disparity might create uncomfortable feelings for someone for whatever reason.

Thank goodness I don’t feel the need to compare myself financially, materially or anything else with others.

We have a friendship group where someone lives in a 2 bed terrace upto a 6 bed / 4 bath large house. It’s never really come up in conversation, we are all happy for each other when they get promoted or good things happen. Yes I make jokes the high earner lives in a mansion but that’s about it.

I really don't think I am patronising

no one ever does. You have to remember that people don’t see you as you see you.

Exactly. I live in a small village.

@Sparklingbrook Are your coffee beans hand picked by fairies? If not I think I'm going to have to let this friendship go. Sorry & all that.

I don't generally give people a survey to fill in before we become friends asking them how much they earn. I earn half what my friend earns. She's a corporate lawyer. Hopefully she not going to dump me!

I struggle to make friends with some people who are 'several levels below' me but its because we have absolutely nothing in common.

There are others 'several levels below' me that I do get on with because we have things in common and have similar values.

Money/financial status/ the size of my house doesnt come into the equation.