To think making friends with people who earn less than you is a waste of time

[MrsShelby]

Hear me out. We moved to a lovely village a few years ago and I put a lot of effort in trying to make new friends. People who grew up in the area weren't interested as they had their established friendship circles. I met 2 different women through an activity who I hoped I could become good friends with.
Both lived in smaller houses than ours and earned less which didn't matter to me because I enjoyed their company. After a few meet ups, I was dumped. No idea what I did wrong. And it hurt.

Post baby, I have met 3 different amazing mummy friends (they don't know each other) and they think I am wonderful. We meet up regularly with our children and have a brilliant time. They also have part time professional jobs, live in big houses and have similar values.

This got me thinking because I am the same person who was dumped by the two other women. Plus, I have been dumped several times by friends in the past. The move to our current house cost me 3 friends who went cold when they saw the pictures of the house. I was so desperate to hold on to one of those friendships that I spent a year texting her to organise a meet up but she was never free or wouldn't respond.

AIBU to think that trying to make friends with someone who is several levels below you on the economic ladder is generally a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment/heart break?

And never make assumptions, OP. I had always assumed (loosely- didn’t spend much time pondering it) I was well off compared to most of my friends but then one went and bought a £14m house… for cash.

When you make friends as an adult, you really have no clue of someone’s background and means.

🤣 I think most of us have been wondering that since it was first posted this morning .

@shinynewapple22 mine are mainly uni friends who friends from work. I work in the public sector and have friends from a hugely diverse range of backgrounds. My husband works in the commercial sector and earns a good salary so there’s the diversity 🤷‍♀️.

You live a few decades in different areas and do a range of different jobs.
You make friends based on shared interests, humour and values, rather than just gravitating towards those who reflect yourself back at you.
When you make friends you keep them through ups and downs and changes of circumstances.

I was thinking the same! So many posters with millionaire/ billionaire friends who socialise and are friends with people who are completely the other end of the economic scale such as people living in a van! I would think this is very unusual to have a real friendship group with such an extreme financial disparity.

I think the OP is more accurate than many people would probably like to admit.

I do too. And I'm another one who's surprised at how many people have an immediate social circle that ranges from billionaires to the homeless.

But if OP is as indelicate in real life as she is on here, I couldn't be too certain about what really went down with the first group of people.

@MyLovelyPen @5128gap

Thank you - of course those things make sense . Maybe I'm a bit unusual on MN in that I didn't go to university and have always lived fairly close to where I grew up. I've also worked in various but similar public service admin roles . I probably sound very boring

Oh dear, this deteriorated very badly. You opened your house for charity? Your desire to prove how wealthy you are to strangers is really back firing. Even my 15 million pound house near neighbours wouldn’t stay anything so utterly pompous.

I honestly think you should back away from the thread now and name change. This isn’t going anywhere good. You sound deluded.

My writing style is very blunt and has caused me problems at work twice to date. I have learnt to ask my husband to edit some of my emails because he is so much more diplomatic than I am. Most importantly, I have learnt to speak to people face to face or over the phone when it is a sensitive/tough topic. I am a lot warmer in person.

I didn’t say billionaires to homeless! But I have wealthy friends with family money and high-paying, serious jobs and I have friends who live off-grid in communes and don’t have a bean. Everyone else is in between.

Oh I don’t know any billionaires! A couple of millionaires - although one I got on with fabulously, her dh hated me. Don’t know whether that was a money thing or not but he loved putting me down 🤷‍♀️.

Yes probably this🙄

My economic situation has changed a lot throughout my life although I’m ok. It doesn’t bother me if someone makes a lot more money than me and have friends in all walks of lofe. it does put me off if someone is really tone deaf, talks about having a cleaner or going on expensive holidays as if they are not expensive and not recognising this is not everyone’s reality. This annoyed me even when I was better off. You have to read the room and adjust depending on your audience. Going on about material things, expecting people to join in on expensive outings or indulging your kids in front of poorer kids, saying bless you when a friend talks about difficulties…
Also saying people should be able to choose to work part time when in reality doing it only because husband earns a lot and they have an arrangement where the woman does all the housework on her days off when kids are at school, not realising how unfeministic it actually is 😂
telling everyone how cheap something was and what a bargain when her friends would never been able to afford this
talking about extensions, renovations, new cars and holidays and again going bless you you poor soul to their friends
just people generally not being authentic and kind but trying to improve their self worth through meeting less well off friends and feel better about themselves

I have been in a few people's houses which are so much bigger than mine I genuinely found it a bit tricky to feel completely comfortable. Not because of jealousy because I really like our house and wouldn't actually want anything bigger but just had never been in any houses like that before. It's because I grew up in the middle of a city where it was just unheard of even for very wealthy people to have eg a field attached to the garden or similar. Was not at all uncommon for a family of four to live in a 2 bed flat. Now I live in quite a rural area where some people have very spacious houses without necessarily being super wealthy. I've lived here for ages but still haven't fully adjusted I think!

I still want to know the super fancy thing OP is off to London to do.

It is not super fancy I promise. It puts me in a sub set of people a lot of mumsnetters despise.

"I have been in a few people's houses which are so much bigger than mine I genuinely found it a bit tricky to feel completely comfortable."

One of my old bosses was only 2 years older than me, but bought in the 90s with her husband outside the city so lived in a massive house whereas I rented 50m2. When we went there with a colleague, the colleague enquired when the next bus from the kitchen to the living room would be arriving.

OTOH I do come from a semi-rural area so a house surrounded by land doesn't in itself surprise me.

Some of my new friends have bigger houses than I do. I feel at ease when I visit them and am very happy for them. They find it easy to confide in me knowing that I wouldn't judge or roll my eyes.

OP, you really are a gift to us all.

The OP was replying to someone who said they open up their home

hence the turn of phrase, they were merely saying they do the same

Jesus do some of you not bother reading the quote history?

Be fair. It might not ONLY be because you’re richer and have a nicer house.

It’s highly likely that you’re also so devastatingly beautiful that they’re obsessively jealous, and scared of their husbands/partners being around you.

I’m sure your children are more “gifted” too, which won’t help.

I've read the whole thread from the beginning. I personally wouldn't use that phrase even if someone else had said it first.

It was another poster not you who has a billionaire friend and also a friend who lives in a van who apparently socialised together.

It’s not just that someone else said it first

They accused the OP of not opening up their home

You’re being petty over wording and it’s quite odd