To think making friends with people who earn less than you is a waste of time

[MrsShelby]

Hear me out. We moved to a lovely village a few years ago and I put a lot of effort in trying to make new friends. People who grew up in the area weren't interested as they had their established friendship circles. I met 2 different women through an activity who I hoped I could become good friends with.
Both lived in smaller houses than ours and earned less which didn't matter to me because I enjoyed their company. After a few meet ups, I was dumped. No idea what I did wrong. And it hurt.

Post baby, I have met 3 different amazing mummy friends (they don't know each other) and they think I am wonderful. We meet up regularly with our children and have a brilliant time. They also have part time professional jobs, live in big houses and have similar values.

This got me thinking because I am the same person who was dumped by the two other women. Plus, I have been dumped several times by friends in the past. The move to our current house cost me 3 friends who went cold when they saw the pictures of the house. I was so desperate to hold on to one of those friendships that I spent a year texting her to organise a meet up but she was never free or wouldn't respond.

AIBU to think that trying to make friends with someone who is several levels below you on the economic ladder is generally a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment/heart break?

This thread is like a comedy

Some of my new friends have bigger houses than I do. I feel at ease when I visit them and am very happy for them. They find it easy to confide in me knowing that I wouldn't judge or roll my eyes.

What does this even mean??

I think it tells us everything we need to know.

A landlord 😂

One of my very closest friends is very high on that ladder and has just moved into an absolutely beautiful house with land, an expensive hobby, private school for their dd who is best friends with ours.
She has never ever made me feel any less than she is, she is genuinely interested in my life and I am so happy for her, we met when the dcs were little and I hope she stays in my life for a very long time.
A true friendship will survive a difference in income /lifestyle.

I’m gonna say yanbu 🤷‍♀️ when DH got promoted we upsized house and moved the kids to private school, and it was amazing how quickly my old friends ditched me. With a couple of them I saw what was happening and managed to sort of salvage the relationship by saying nothing at all about new schools / new kitchen / holiday destinations / posh gym, etc, but it’s weird and inauthentic tip-toeing around topics that might make them jealous.

So yes I do look back to the baby years and wish I’d invested less time in people who were never going to want a long term friendship.

It is not super fancy I promise. It puts me in a sub set of people a lot of mumsnetters despise.

Unless you're going fox hunting or something similar (unlikely in London) or a road cyclist who doesn't move over, doing so to avoid bath and bed time (again unlikely for a London trip) I can't imagine what it might be 😆

Look on the bright side. You met some people who share your values. Sorry you don't feel adequate for the ones who ditched you. Maybe reflect on why. I mean you sound a peach.

I couldn’t read to many comments as they were so rude to OP
In answer to your question my husband and I started from very humble beginnings worked and are still working very hard and we have clawed our way up. The sad reality of this is we have lost friends along the way. We just weren’t in the same zone anymore and they reacted to it. We have struggled to make friends as everything starts fine then they realise we are a lot more comfortable than they are.
We have come to the conclusion that the issue is theirs and not ours. We talked about this very recently and decided it was better to have wealthy friends than us to avoid this happening in the future. It’s ridiculous as we don’t care about a persons wealth or status we just want genuine friendships.
OP please do not let some of these comments upset you there are some very short sighted answers going on. Pretty much like you have experienced in RL with peoples reaction to you and then withdrawing friendships Some people just have issues which they project x

AIBU to think that trying to make friends with someone who is several levels below you on the economic ladder is generally a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment/heart break?

Surely if you’re only looking to befriend people economically further up the ladder than you…..based on your own theory they shouldn’t try to make friends with you as it will only lead to disappointment.

I barely know what most of my friends earn and don’t care. You inhabit a different world
to me.

I'm sorry you have been through this too. It does hurt and knock your confidence. I do hope you and your husband find some lovely genuine couple friends you can socialise with.

Iexcellent red flag list!

Probably the Conservative club annual do

I feel like OP is getting a hard time.

In my 20s, I went from a relatively frugal existence to earning a lot of money. I remember how the "friends" I'd had changed their opinion of me quite quickly. I promised myself that if anyone asked a question I would answer it honestly but I wouldn't start a conversation about it - massive mistake. Everything I told them was hurled back at me because apparently I was now "posh". A couple also expected me to get them out of financial difficulty. It hurt when they dumped me but I realise it was their issue.

I've earnt a lot of money over the years and now I don't talk about it at all. I changed career and my new colleagues have far less than I do. I would never bring it up - inverse snobbery and jealousy is a real thing. I've heard the vitriol in the staff room railed against people with too much money.

I'd love to be friends with you - but you only mention one house so I'm afraid it wouldn't work 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP I think you are getting a very hard time, although i think your title is a bit clumsy. I do think the vast majority of us hang out with people of similar earning capacity, simply because planning activities is easier when the base spending is similar.I have one particular friend who works to a tight budget. I'm totally fine with that except that neither her nor her DH work FT and all the big ticket items in their family expenditure are funded by her parents. So they claim child benefit, but have DC at independent schools, drive expensive cars and have their holidays paid for. So we'll go for coffee because she "can't afford" dinner. I have another friend who genuinely can't afford dinner, so we go for coffee, and I'm totally fine with that and value the time I spend with her so much.

@user1471447924 I agree. It isn't normal for millionaires to hang out with 'friends' who live in social housing or vice versa...that simply isn't how the real world ticks along (outside MN anyway).
@oopsfellover I simply don't believe you have no idea how much any of your friends earn - although appreciate that you may genuinely not care. I'm not suggesting for a second that you have evenings where you compare payslips, but you must have some clue, within at least a 10k ballpark figure. Anyone working in the public sector is on a pay scale and its easy to look up what they earn - or read it in the news. If you have friends who are nurses unless you've had your head in a paper bag for 2 years you couldn't possibly not know what they earn. Ditto train drivers, MPs, teachers, drs, lorry drivers etc. DD has a friend who's DF is a senior civil servant. They live in a £4m house. Their household income is probably just scrapping 6 figures. The only way they can possibly have afforded that house is by a 7 figure inheritance. I have no idea who they hang out with ...not us!!!

I agree - my title could have been better phrased.
In the real world, most people have a vague idea of what their friends earn..

Moving to different locations, changing jobs, living in a city, various interests, on benefits to millions though, no homeless or billionaire friends.
OP you possibly tune out some people unknowingly, going on how you've dealt with comments on the thread, so could lead them to disconnect.

We have come to the conclusion that the issue is theirs and not ours. We talked about this very recently and decided it was better to have wealthy friends than us to avoid this happening in the future
Does this problem not just repeat itself in reverse?
I don't understand this whole concept. We have friends of varying degrees of wealth or other differences and it doesn't affect friendships at all. It hasn't even come up.

We still have friends at all levels some friendships transcend status/wealth but I guess we’ve been burnt a bit to much in recent years. We also have issues with family members, some have frozen us out and more worryingly some who wanted nothing to do with us are now falling over themselves, both situations sting.

This is a weird thread!! I totally don't get what money has to do with friendships? And all this talk of moving 'up' or 'down' in relation to being wealthy or not, is just plain odd. Wealthy is not better or further up some imaginary spectrum, than being poor. 🤷

Some of my new friends have bigger houses than I do. I feel at ease when I visit them and am very happy for them. They find it easy to confide in me knowing that I wouldn't judge or roll my eyes

this Is the thread that keeps on giving. 😂

There is one common denominator in this situation.

" oh I've got soooooo much money nobody wants to be my friend "