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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think making friends with people who earn less than you is a waste of time

592 replies

MrsShelby · 06/11/2022 08:00

Hear me out. We moved to a lovely village a few years ago and I put a lot of effort in trying to make new friends. People who grew up in the area weren't interested as they had their established friendship circles. I met 2 different women through an activity who I hoped I could become good friends with.
Both lived in smaller houses than ours and earned less which didn't matter to me because I enjoyed their company. After a few meet ups, I was dumped. No idea what I did wrong. And it hurt.

Post baby, I have met 3 different amazing mummy friends (they don't know each other) and they think I am wonderful. We meet up regularly with our children and have a brilliant time. They also have part time professional jobs, live in big houses and have similar values.

This got me thinking because I am the same person who was dumped by the two other women. Plus, I have been dumped several times by friends in the past. The move to our current house cost me 3 friends who went cold when they saw the pictures of the house. I was so desperate to hold on to one of those friendships that I spent a year texting her to organise a meet up but she was never free or wouldn't respond.

AIBU to think that trying to make friends with someone who is several levels below you on the economic ladder is generally a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment/heart break?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsShelby · 06/11/2022 13:33

CaptainMyCaptain · 06/11/2022 13:20

Can't you see the difference in tone between 'open up my home' and 'invite people round for a barbecue or whatever'?

Show quote history

Someone else used that phrase and I copied it. I can see how that it reads badly and I shouldn't have used it.

OP posts:
Traisonthewine78 · 06/11/2022 13:35

You just keep making it worse 😅🤦🏻‍♀️

DerangedDonut · 06/11/2022 13:35

Can't you see the difference in tone between 'open up my home' and 'invite people round for a barbecue or whatever'?
This.

Unfortunately, OP, whether or not you yourself think you re good at picking up on social cues, almost every post you make demonstrates that you don’t recognise your own tone, and that it’s tone deaf.

I don’t think you’re necessarily being bitchy or not very nice but to misquote a previous poster, the impression you are giving of yourself here is very self-satisfied. I think you need to think long and hard about whether there might be the teensiest chance you come across like this in person too.

Original poster
MrsShelby · 06/11/2022 13:36

OwwwMuuuum · 06/11/2022 13:26

You don’t need to win, OP.

A charity event last year though, that’s months ago. Just invite a few people round next Saturday with the aim of sinking a few wines, feeding the kids some hot dogs and having a giggle. Let people stay over if they need. Make brunch the next morning. Repeat monthly. Enjoy your big house!

Noted. I love having people over and cooking for them.

OP posts:
DerangedDonut · 06/11/2022 13:36

Sorry, I meant to quote that, not bold it.

Original poster
MrsShelby · 06/11/2022 13:38

BlueWalnut · 06/11/2022 13:29

Several points to make, and sorry if some of these have already been made as I haven’t read the whole thread.

Do not assume ANYTHING about peoples finances or priorities. None of us know how expensive things are going to become or how long this recession will go on for. Families with the largest homes are likely also to have the larger mortgages and be impacted by rate increases.

Many can afford things still, some will be on high incomes, but are anxious about the future and don’t want to be banking on future earnings or frittering away their life savings on maintaining a lifestyle. Some will be taking on extra work at home to cope with inflation so have less time for meeting up.

Some I know won’t go to activities that involve paying for parking, petrol for unnecessary journeys, or tea out, or anything that doesn’t really interest them. No tea at their house unless we are already friends because they won’t put the heating on - it’s easiest to just drop people who are new and stick with people you already know and trust rather than risk being judged for being poor / miserly.

If you move to a village, the pool of people to be friends with will be smaller which makes it harder to find your tribe. This can be even harder if the majority of people hold different political values to you.

You have raised some valid points. Thank you and noted.

OP posts:
Fladdermus · 06/11/2022 13:41

Sparklingbrook · 06/11/2022 08:03

I don’t know where to start with this. More coffee required I think.

I've had a ton of coffee and still don't know where to start.

Original poster
MrsShelby · 06/11/2022 13:42

LolaSmiles · 06/11/2022 13:31

We have small children and so do our friends thus meeting up at parks with playgrounds or English Heritage sites is more interesting for the children
Bit different from the walks in the park and a cafe for a brew that you mentioned earlier.

There's no way I'd be able to afford day trips or mornings out to English Heritage places to meet up with a friend. Whilst it might be your idea of frugal, but it's not many people's.

English Heritage and National Trust are places we go for a family day out, not a casual meet with a friend.

The park has a cafe where we have a drink. Walk around the park then finish off at the playground.

I go to EH sites with friends who are members.

OP posts:
BruceIsACake · 06/11/2022 13:42

So can you clarify a bit for me OP please - if one is relatively well off but also sensible and lives in a modest house rather than flashing their income band through the medium of poncy home ownership, should one socialise with people from their ACTUAL income band or PERCEIVED income band?

Original poster
MrsShelby · 06/11/2022 13:43

Tulipomania · 06/11/2022 13:32

I am going to London at the end of the month but I dare not say the real reason why.

Ooh go on, please? Or shall we guess ...

😂
I don't even want to deal with the abuse I would get for that revelation. I am not a masochist.

OP posts:
Tulipomania · 06/11/2022 13:45

Why bother to mention it then?

Zone2NorthLondon · 06/11/2022 13:47

You’re having sparkly Tiffany diamond teeth made to measure with a boob job as a chaser @MrsShelby

Tulipomania · 06/11/2022 13:47

I would hazard a guess that it is your lack of self-awareness that makes it hard for you to make friends.

SaintVal · 06/11/2022 13:48

I'm starting to wonder if this thread is a wind up!

BankseyVest · 06/11/2022 13:50

Do you think you've been dumped because of the money? Nothing in your posts even slightly suggests you've lost friends because of money, either too much or too little of it.

Original poster
MrsShelby · 06/11/2022 13:50

DerangedDonut · 06/11/2022 13:35

Can't you see the difference in tone between 'open up my home' and 'invite people round for a barbecue or whatever'?
This.

Unfortunately, OP, whether or not you yourself think you re good at picking up on social cues, almost every post you make demonstrates that you don’t recognise your own tone, and that it’s tone deaf.

I don’t think you’re necessarily being bitchy or not very nice but to misquote a previous poster, the impression you are giving of yourself here is very self-satisfied. I think you need to think long and hard about whether there might be the teensiest chance you come across like this in person too.

It is possible that I may sometimes sound self-satisfied/smug to some people even though I am not aware of it. I do try hard to be guarded about what I say. Maybe I am making a hash of it.

OP posts:
5128gap · 06/11/2022 13:55

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 06/11/2022 13:03

You're right. I tried to make friends with some poor people but to no avail. I offered them expensive biscuits and lindt chocolate bears, but no, they seemed quite content painting animals on their cave walls.
I even offered one elocution lessons to help her fit it. I can't repeat what she said on here!😳

If you're pushed mate, I'd be up for it.
I can't find friends who earn less than me either. My salary is so meagre I might as well be paying them and I love a luxury biscuit.😁

LolaSmiles · 06/11/2022 13:55

The park has a cafe where we have a drink. Walk around the park then finish off at the playground.
I go to EH sites with friends who are members.
Fair enough
Then if it isn't difference of activity budgets I would guess you're either not compatible as friends or you're rubbing them up the one way

Original poster
MrsShelby · 06/11/2022 13:58

BankseyVest · 06/11/2022 13:50

Do you think you've been dumped because of the money? Nothing in your posts even slightly suggests you've lost friends because of money, either too much or too little of it.

I don't think it is because of money. People have a lot going on and are time crunched. Sometimes people just don't gel.

But I can't help but notice that the new friends who enjoy spending time with me are on a similar economic level which is why I proposed this thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsShelby · 06/11/2022 14:00

LolaSmiles · 06/11/2022 13:55

The park has a cafe where we have a drink. Walk around the park then finish off at the playground.
I go to EH sites with friends who are members.
Fair enough
Then if it isn't difference of activity budgets I would guess you're either not compatible as friends or you're rubbing them up the one way

You are right. It is most likely that.

OP posts:
Blondewithredlips · 06/11/2022 14:12

I think these type of situations happen when people have the inability to read the room.
I am in the process of distancing from a wealthy friend that I have had for decades due to the continuing boasting about her wealth when others are worried about money.
The attitude has turned my stomach and made me not want to be in her company any more.

jays · 06/11/2022 14:24

I have a lot less money than my friends (I have four close friends none of whom know each other). Every one of them has said to me that I am their go to person for support and advice and I know that’s true. I listen and I advise and I truly care with all my heart about them. But yeah. Money.

AuntieEntity · 06/11/2022 14:24

OttilieKnackered · 06/11/2022 08:02

Do you think it could be because you’re unbearably smug?

👏 👏👏

shinynewapple22 · 06/11/2022 14:30

maddy68 · 06/11/2022 12:02

What a load of bollocks. My friendship group includes someone who lives in a van to a billionaire. We all get along fine and have sustained these friendships for decades.

I think it may be you that's the issue

There seem to be many posts similar to this on this thread .

Where do you all meet people from such diverse backgrounds ?

shinynewapple22 · 06/11/2022 14:47

Lentilweaver · 06/11/2022 13:16

Does everyone on MN want a big house? I don't. I would like one a little bigger than the one I have now- say one room bigger- but otherwise it would just be more house to clean.

Same here.

I would be quite happy to swap the view from my window though!