To think making friends with people who earn less than you is a waste of time

[MrsShelby]

Hear me out. We moved to a lovely village a few years ago and I put a lot of effort in trying to make new friends. People who grew up in the area weren't interested as they had their established friendship circles. I met 2 different women through an activity who I hoped I could become good friends with.
Both lived in smaller houses than ours and earned less which didn't matter to me because I enjoyed their company. After a few meet ups, I was dumped. No idea what I did wrong. And it hurt.

Post baby, I have met 3 different amazing mummy friends (they don't know each other) and they think I am wonderful. We meet up regularly with our children and have a brilliant time. They also have part time professional jobs, live in big houses and have similar values.

This got me thinking because I am the same person who was dumped by the two other women. Plus, I have been dumped several times by friends in the past. The move to our current house cost me 3 friends who went cold when they saw the pictures of the house. I was so desperate to hold on to one of those friendships that I spent a year texting her to organise a meet up but she was never free or wouldn't respond.

AIBU to think that trying to make friends with someone who is several levels below you on the economic ladder is generally a waste of time and can only lead to disappointment/heart break?

You're right. I tried to make friends with some poor people but to no avail. I offered them expensive biscuits and lindt chocolate bears, but no, they seemed quite content painting animals on their cave walls.
I even offered one elocution lessons to help her fit it. I can't repeat what she said on here!😳

This

We do open up our home and have people over for dinner. Just last year we hosted an event for a charity.

We have small children and so do our friends thus meeting up at parks with playgrounds or English Heritage sites is more interesting for the children.

We do open up our home and have people over for dinner. Just last year we hosted an event for a charity.

Do you hear yourself?

😂😂😂

This

You make it sound like you live in a stately home, OP. I’m sure this thread is making you feel guarded because you are getting a pasting, but you do sound stuck up when you say “open our home” and “host a charity event”. We have people round to let off a few fireworks or have some Christmas drinks or celebrate a kid’s birthday. Or sometimes because it’s summer and we want to bbq and slip n slide! It’s not smart or formal, people help themselves, children go feral. It’s not perfect, but it’s lovely. Maybe you just need to relax a bit.

FWIW have you considered that a coffee shop + English heritage entry would be too expensive for many. And there’s far less for small children at a day like that than there would be in coming round to your lovely big house, the parents chatting in the kitchen making food, while the kids mess up your playroom to their heart’s content. I know what I’d rather do, if I had very little and made friends with someone who had plenty.

Hilarious! 😂

Does everyone on MN want a big house? I don't. I would like one a little bigger than the one I have now- say one room bigger- but otherwise it would just be more house to clean.

I can't win on this thread. I get accused of not opening up my home because I have meet ups in public spaces. When I say that I do, it doesn't go down well.

Can't you see the difference in tone between 'open up my home' and 'invite people round for a barbecue or whatever'?

The fact that you automatically assume it's because of your higher social standing that they ended the friendship, as opposed to anything else, makes me think it's likely that you are either making your big house a feature of your personality (keep going on about it) , or you just act superior because of it.
I have had friendships end, some abruptly and others just drift apart. At no point have I ever wondered if those friendships ended because of my income status, or where I live.

Are you familiar with Margot from The Good Life? I'm getting that vibe.

I would say English heritage isn't cheap to attend if not members same with national trusts so what seems cheap to you with membership would be expensive to another

That's exactly it.

You don’t need to win, OP.

A charity event last year though, that’s months ago. Just invite a few people round next Saturday with the aim of sinking a few wines, feeding the kids some hot dogs and having a giggle. Let people stay over if they need. Make brunch the next morning. Repeat monthly. Enjoy your big house!

I really don't mean to sound stuck up. It is definitely not a stately home. I can see that hosting a charity event when there is a cost of living crisis and seem as if I am out of touch.

There are a lot of accusations of being smug which are unfair. I'm cautious when I talk to people especially with the economy being terrible. For example, I am going to London at the end of the month but I dare not say the real reason why.

Ha ha ha brilliant.

Agreed completely.

I rest my case!

Several points to make, and sorry if some of these have already been made as I haven’t read the whole thread.

Do not assume ANYTHING about peoples finances or priorities. None of us know how expensive things are going to become or how long this recession will go on for. Families with the largest homes are likely also to have the larger mortgages and be impacted by rate increases.

Many can afford things still, some will be on high incomes, but are anxious about the future and don’t want to be banking on future earnings or frittering away their life savings on maintaining a lifestyle. Some will be taking on extra work at home to cope with inflation so have less time for meeting up.

Some I know won’t go to activities that involve paying for parking, petrol for unnecessary journeys, or tea out, or anything that doesn’t really interest them. No tea at their house unless we are already friends because they won’t put the heating on - it’s easiest to just drop people who are new and stick with people you already know and trust rather than risk being judged for being poor / miserly.

If you move to a village, the pool of people to be friends with will be smaller which makes it harder to find your tribe. This can be even harder if the majority of people hold different political values to you.

We have small children and so do our friends thus meeting up at parks with playgrounds or English Heritage sites is more interesting for the children
Bit different from the walks in the park and a cafe for a brew that you mentioned earlier.

There's no way I'd be able to afford day trips or mornings out to English Heritage places to meet up with a friend. Whilst it might be your idea of frugal, but it's not many people's.

English Heritage and National Trust are places we go for a family day out, not a casual meet with a friend.

I go to EH sites with friends who are members. We take snacks for the children with us. Sometimes we buy a drink for ourselves, sometimes we don't.

I am going to London at the end of the month but I dare not say the real reason why.

Ooh go on, please? Or shall we guess ...

I have no doubt that your trip to London is to collect an OBE from King Charles for your chartible works 🤣