Is this weird - work related - is it cultural?

[cofingalthetime]

So just to start - I'm Irish.
So I work in a office in a small team. Colleagues has been off for 3 weeks. The first week she was off I asked the team leader was she ok, and she said she it was "personal". So of course I respect people's privacy and didn't want to pry and so I didn't ask anything or mention it again. I was in the office with TL and one other girl yesterday. And I just happened to say to the other girl "I hope X is ok, she has been off for a while" and the girl said did I not know, but X's brother had been murdered! I was so shocked, and upset that I didn't know. I asked her had flowers or a card not been sent -and she said no - that not even our Head knew what happened, that the TL hadn't told anyone, and this girl had heard it from a completely different friend of X's. (X is friends with people outside our dept, she's worked there for years).

I said we should organise at least a card from our team, to let her know we were thinking of her. That we should maybe send flowers... that I'd be happy to chip in if the company didn't want to pay (notoriously stingy).

Team leader came back into the office and we both said it to her and she said 'no no' we are not to organise anything like that. Why not I said? And she just said kept saying 'no no'.

THEN, Team leader said she had been in touch with X and had told her she needs to come back to the office as it's been 3 weeks - X had apparently been doing working from home, and some compassionate leave, and some annual leave. X asked to work from home for the time being (she lives a long way - we are doing 3 days in, 2 days wfh) but team leader said no, she has to come back properly. She even said to X that she will arrange for her to work in this horrible little office we have - that has no windows - and she can work in there on her own if she doesnt want to sit in the office with us???? I was gobsmacked. She said she has told X she needs to get signed off by a doctor or come back asap. Fair enough I know - even though managers are allowed to "use discretion" when it comes to working from home and personal circumstances - this manager likes to follow the rules to the letter. More than that though - why can't we send a card? Is that an "English" thing?? I know in Ireland there's no way nothing would have been done by now. I feel so sorry for X that she has had nothing from her work colleagues at all. I mean, am I wrong or?? Feel so bad. Have bought a card and will send it myself if team leader won't let us send a group one.

Thanks! Maybe I should get it published, there is loads more too!

Same way I see myself - all mongrels!

My great grandma (German) she was a real lady - and would often say apparently to my DM whom she brought up from age of 5 to 10, that all people were equal/the same - so be kind etc to all of them!

My DM has actually done a DNA test via site similar to Ancestry.com recently - waiting on results.

That's so funny re Scottish stereotypes - I had a lovely Scottish uncle from Paisley who was so unlike his stereotype it was unreal, a lovely, lovely man! and my ex NDNs are Scottish and again none of them and their relatives are like their stereotypes!

English people are so weird about death, they don't know how weird they are.

I get you OP. It can be really jarring to experience the English coldness to death if you weren't brought up that way.
Irish people are so weird about death, they don’t know how weird they are.

It can be really jarring to experience the Irish over-involvement to death if you weren’t brought up that way.

I think I would send a card saying thinking of you

Yep - this in spades - when I've been to Ireland for a wake and the funeral it's actually quite spooky to see a dead body laid out in their house and you're expected to sit there and keep watch!

Add to that that everyone and his wife and their dog is commiserating with you and you barely have time to grieve/get upset or gather your thoughts to yourself!

But I take both sides and like them both equally. I don't think the Irish are that weird nor the English. In fact I celebrate our differences.

As the Irish would say 'cop on!".

Although I'm sure lots of the concern is real - a lot of it is just them all going along like sheep, to the funeral, supporting the grieving family etc. And lots of people do revel in the whole wake/pub drinks side of it/funeral and do gossip about it. In small villages in Ireland that's expected as most people know everyone else's business. Not to say that people not used to this appreciate it! Nor even people who are used to it.

It’s her tragedy, and it’s for her to decide who she wants to tell, and how she wants to deal with it. Presumably the manager has a better idea that you, OP.

in such a situation I can well imagine wanting work to be an escape to normality, and not reacting kindly to finding out a colleague had been sniffing around for info so she could confront me with her condolences. However well intentioned, I would lose my shit.

Surely empathy is responding to the individual and their needs, even if those aren’t the same as yours would be.

not English or British, incidentally.

It’s not only Irish people who look at death differently to English people other cultures do 9 nights where they celebrate the deceased life.

And? Lots of cultures do lots of different things. But in this thread the OP has specifically asked whether it’s an Irish vs. English thing, and lots of posts have implied the English way is “weird” as opposed to just “different”.

I've suddenly remembered that episode of Derry girls where the elderly Aunt dies and the girls are eating scones on top of the open casket.

The "wee English lad" Is horrified, and the girls are like...

The English are so weird 🤣

This thread in microcosm

More posts have implied the Irish way is weird as opposed to just different.

Although the Irish side seems more switched on to the fact that there is a cultural difference, lots of Brits are adamant that it must be OP being weird, despite all indications and evidence to the contrary!

I'm not sure that it's a different cultural attitude to death, so much as a different cultural (and sometimes within-culture) attitude to personal privacy.

Not rft but you're being nosey@cofingalthetime. Your colleague isn't a friend otherwise you would know what was happening. There are cultural differences of course but calling English "cold" is just offensive.

I'm not Irish or English, but Irish folk always seem to say "aw it's an Irish thing". I lived there for a while, and everything was 'Irish' even though it was the most common thing everywhere.

No, I wouldn't say it was a cultural thing, it's just a sensitive topic and the manager perhaps thinks it's best to be sensitive and let her be justnow.

because she is not in Ireland and the people involved are not Irish!🙄

Exactly! No one is saying the OP is weird full stop: they’re saying it’s weird she wants to do bereavement at her colleague, despite clear indications of what the colleague actually wants.

Reported

OP works as a Data Protection Officer but she is unhappy in her role

Bloody* *hell, I bet she is! A Data Protection Officer whose main aim in life is to avoid protecting data!

Although I'm sure lots of the concern is real - a lot of it is just them all going along like sheep, to the funeral, supporting the grieving family etc. And lots of people do revel in the whole wake/pub drinks side of it/funeral and do gossip about it. In small villages in Ireland that's expected as most people know everyone else's business

The Grinch who stole the funeral...

Let's count the tropes:
The Irish are sheep - tick.
The Irish have the gift of the Blarney/like to gab - tick.
The Irish live in small villages - tick.
The Irish like a drink - tick.

'Small villages in Ireland' - you realise they're full of Germans, Dutch, and Poles these days, and people who grew up in the Dublin suburbs but can't afford to live there, and commute to Dublin.

Reported the above post for offensive stereotyping of an entire country.

Really interesting question. I have been here so long now I don't notice cultural differences. I do remember when my DF died and I went home for funeral I was really surprised to see work colleagues of my DS and DB in attendance. They had traveled miles. That is unlikely to happen in my workplace in London. I do find my work colleagues to be super kind when I have had death in my family but low key. To be honest I prefer that as I am a bit shy.

I think maybe the situation you describe is a bit different because it must be very traumatic and so privacy might be more needed.

I don't think it's cultural it just sounds like this individual wants to keep this awful bereavement out of her work environments (that level of separation is often easier in England than in Ireland). You need to respect that.

Even in Ireland if someone requested this I am sure it would be respected.

Yet another ‘Irish are generous, English are tight’ thread. Yawn.